Tag Archives: polyamorous

Contrary to popular opinion

My latest notification from the electronic ethers was to listen to this song.

I suspect it is because of yet another negative tangent from my SJ, or someone connected via that channel. I’ve had quite a few messages the last few days that reflect that. I keep reminding myself it isn’t my wavelength, and proceed to refocus on what is in my vortex.

Regardless of whether a person is in my heart or not, on this topic I will not budge, and anyone wishing to be in my life simply has to come to terms with polyamory and any jealousy.

My paradigm includes polyamory for many reasons.

  • I had an ingrained knowing at an early age that you could truly love with more than one person. Being raised by Christian parents, with an ample supply of Disney movies, I was indoctrinated with the concept of monogamy and had convinced myself it was just who you met first.
  • Then I met Nathan. The result: I fell in love with a man that had a wife and a girlfriend. When they left him one at a time, I was already his friend and my love grew for someone going through a rough time in a way that showed real inner strength.
  • We have lived through several partners that took residence in my heart, but didn’t take residence on our mutual journey of life.
  • I have had to acknowledge that love is abundant, it can be everywhere and have many facets and manifestations.
  • I love my biological family, my half brother and my half sister. I also love my family of choosing including, my step-daugther. People that share no or limited biology, yet are my family as much as anyone. They are in my heart fully and completely.
  • Additionally a  knowledge of basic anthropological concepts and human history, means I am aware that the idea of monogamy was instituted by patriarchal societies that wished to own women and keep them in degraded more subservient positons. I am not willing to allow that aspect of owning another person into my paradigm. Women are equal to men and have just as many rights, and I fully KNOW I could never own another human being.
  • Christianity benefitted financially from this concept so much, that it then created rules and reasons to justify monogamy and restrict alternatives. Beyond the fact that Christians refuse to admit Jesus had a wife, (despite multiple sources in support of that) there has even been much contemplation of his missing years and why the texts refuse to speak of those times. It has been suggested that is due to one of many possible reasons, of which non-monogamy and homosexual behaviors have both been suggested.
  • I am also aware that many matriarchal societies had no such requirements, and several ancient societies were very open and accepting of LGBT concepts and polyamory. Chinese culture, as well as Muslim harems, are examples of multiple female households. Also many kings over time and in many countries claimed multiple wives, going from King Tut of thousands of years ago to the Thai King of the 1800’s which “The King and I” is based upon. Additionally, Greeks and Romans both were open to multiple adult households, and even when a primary relationship guided the home, there were often what we modern people would refer to as mistresses or ‘a mister’.
  • Beyond all of these is my sexual identity of being bisexual: I refuse to limit myself because the greater paradigm can’t let go of a stubborn belief based on control and ownership.
  • I am not to be owned or controlled, and I respect others the same. I will never limit anyone in a way that is unacceptable to me.
  • Jealousy is merely a symptom of being focused on your lack of something. It doesn’t matter if it’s jealous of a house, car, other material belongings, or a particular relationship. The easiest way to dispel jealousy is to focus on the things you have that do match the desired thing. So if you are jealous over a partner having another mate, because of polyamory, you just have to remind yourself you have the right to a second mate as well. You remind yourself that your person does love you. You remind yourself that we all have the freedom to choose and the fact that someone stays with you means they chose to be with you. You remind yourself that you love them and you are open to even more love. You remind yourself that you can’t own or control others for any good outcome, and freedom encourages even more respect and trust between partners. You remind yourself of all of the good things that you do have and can have if you want. That will dispel jealousy given enough focus. Practice makes perfect.

Beyond these broad reasons as to why polyamory is a must, I have to acknowledge my direct reasons.

  • Nathan is my first true love, the first person to have a full grasp of my heart outside my birth family. His daughter, my step-daugther, was second. I still love them both with all of my heart.
  • Nathan is a kind and loving man.
  • He is the father of my children and a very good dad at that.
  • Nathan is a good homeschool parent educator.
  • Nathan is very patient.
  • Nathan is very supportive in many ways.
  • Nathan is an excellent house-husband and photographer.
  • Nathan is open and accepting of others and other relationships.
  • Nathan and I both want anything that provides happiness and greater ease in our family.
  • We are able to compromise and work towards common goals even when those goals include multiple people.
  • We both love each other enough to keep reaching for better. Did I mention Nathan is supportive.
  • Nathan and I both look forward to other people to be partners and best friends.
  • I love my husband, the father of my children, I do not own him and never have. Our legal marriage was more for taxes and social security than anything, and we acknowledge a fully committed poly family will require additional legal hoops and documentation to protect all involved and fully committed.
  • Nathan and I mesh really well and get along in lots of ways. We have plenty of common ground and because of that I know he would get along well with anyone I’m attached to. He’s very accepting of a wide array of people as being potential family. It has kept us both hopeful of finding committed partners.

I am not saying that I think others must follow my paradigm. I simply acknowledge that this is what works for me. There is no rightness or wrongness in either polyamory or monogamy. There can be problems with either relationship paradigm. There can also be huge blessings with either relationship paradigm. Polyamory does require better communication, does require good time management, and does require working on any limiting beliefs one may hold.

I will not second guess inspired thought from my childhood when I was much more open to guidance from the divine. If the divine didn’t want me to be polyamorous, then I would not have had that thought as a small child, and I would not have met a polyamorous person so early in my adulthood (19). My personal situation has definitely been divinely guided towards this new and different paradigm and I am strong enough to handle it, all of the ups and downs and everything in between. It has it’s challenges but is most definitely worth it.

Beyond that, I don’t even expect partners to be non-monogamous. I only expect that they honor my relationship with Nathan as all that it is, and make no steps to alter it in anyway. If SJ returns and tells all, comes clean, and is too entrenched in the old paradigm, that is fine- they can continue to restrict themselves as long as Nathan is respected. I wish for anyone in my life to be there because they want to be and it makes them happy, beyond that I am flexible. Day to day life will adjust accordingly and in the flow intended by our alignment.

I always hope that everyone I meet has good days full of happiness and fulfillment. I always hope that everyone I meet finds their alignment to their source, especially knowing it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. I hope the same for those I love and call my family.

May we all have good days full of alignment. May we recognize our moments of divine guidance and understand that God would not put something evil in our path. Those are contradictory elements, God can not control that which is the opposite of divine influence. May you know that you are in alignment enough to know you are generally allowing good God force to flow in your life in a variety of ways. May you know God loves you and see that love in many ways in your life. May you see the many ways that you already love, and the many people that your heart already cares about. May you know you deserve better and that you can have anything that you allow your beliefs to include. May you allow divine goodness more than restrict it.

Siva Hir Su

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su