Tag Archives: polyamory

BZ

That’s short for busy. Seems I have so much on my plate the humor of abbreviated text speak for busy is quite appropriate.

First, I’m still working 6 to 7 days a week. I’m still processing paperwork and prepping for finally getting a home of our own after 14 years of hard times. Still working toward my business goals, complex as they are; especially now that I’ll have a home which will accommodate more possibilities. Also I’m still aiming for getting a second vehicle again, though that will likely be accomplished next tax season, over 4 months away- *sigh*, it’s okay.

Now add to that I’ve been reading a book on loan from the Chiropractor: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. It has gotten me very excited. It’s a book that teaches basic financial literacy, and is validating that I’m on the right track. I have a very, very long ways to go before I accomplish any goals that the book references, but they were already on my horizon. Knowing I’m aiming correctly is great, now I need lots of diligence, and probably several years before I start to see any real results. It’s definitely a very long range goal structure, but one I’m confident I’ll eventually master, and all on my own.

As for that ‘all on my own’ bit: I had a small argument with God this week. I was shown (hard to explain, but kinda like a daydream) that my diverse array of abilities and my strength, my uniqueness, even elements of my appearance, make me attractive to others. Essentially, the message was I could totally be a female ‘player’.

I told God and Nathan, that’s not the point, it was never the point. Nathan replied simply with “I know”.

As much as it feels good to acknowledge that I am attractive to others, and more than one person at that, I know my desires are for more than that. Polyamory was never about being a ‘player’. Polyamory is about love, emotional support, the physicality of daily living with loving life-partners: significant others. And yes, I would like to not have to choose one gender. I would love to honor all of myself by having life partners that honor all the different parts of me, and I can reciprocate with the same for them.

My biggest glitch in acknowledging that I’m attractive to others is that those I intuitively know are attracted to me, are still quite silent on the matter, and I’m not sure I can do or say anything to change that. I don’t know why they choose silence. Perhaps it’s because of how we met, or their perceptions of my marriage to Nathan, or lack of understanding of polyamory in my life, or simply the intimidation thing I seem to carry into infinity. I don’t know. I can’t fix it, so it just is.

One day someone attracted to me will admit it and ask me lots of questions. When that day comes I’ll do a happy dance for their courage, but especially that they even attempted to get to know me as a person. More than anything, I love the feeling of connecting with someone on a deep level, knowing we are enjoying learning about each other. I love the feeling of being appreciated and cared about. That: “someone actually cares enough, to genuinely want to know all of who I am” in an unconditional accepting way.

Nathan has always been that for me, I just wish there were others too. One day perhaps, for now I continue on my own with Shiva’s/God’s help. I told God I’m very appreciative, super thankful, for having the divine connection and all the non-physical help that it has brought. Yet, my ideal would be both. To have that connection with God and also feel the next closest thing to it in people in my life. I have moments like that with Nathan, and it makes me think how wonderful it would be if there were others willing to be in my life that I felt that intensity with on a regular basis…. In daily living. *Sigh*

Anyway, tangent aside, I am looking forward mostly. I continue to do everything I can to improve my life and life for my family.

Nathan mostly took care of my computer glitch, and I finished it off, to then accomplish 2 designs for others.

I also finally spent a while fine tuning my dome designs. Making sure proportions were accurate, I then started placing interior elements and correcting line weights/alignments. It’s a very slow process mainly because I’m super meticulous, but also because I’m literally fine-tuning decisions we’ve talked about and thought about thousands of times.

I’ll end with 2 sections of the plans that saw significant changes. Aahhhh, it’s so nice to dream big sometimes, especially when I can do something about it and make it visible.

May you all be happily busy. May you feel the loving connections in your life daily. May you have things to look forward to and goals to aim for. May you see the validation you seek, and may your dreams be big, but still reachable.

Siva Hir Su

Pause.

I’m having a series of redefining moments.

It started with the guy at work. Very intelligent, very handsome, but because he’s just gone through a divorce he’s in player mode. I’ve discovered that’s a huge turnoff for me. He’s literally thrown himself at all the women, with exception of the lesbian and the woman that threw herself at him first. It’s very unbecoming.

It’s one thing to explore to define what you want and are interested in. It’s entirely another to be outwardly vocal about playing the field and throwing around innuendo like candy.

The former I can respect because: if you didn’t honestly know, and needed a few experiences to point you in the right direction, but were able to utilize that to focus in a specific direction, then great. Sometimes, if you’ve never experienced certain things, but find them intriguing, then you do need to give it a try to see if it’s really a fit for you or not.

Where the turnoff on the latter comes in, is that even though he seems very intelligent he’s made very clear that nearly anything goes right now. It’s simply because he can, not because he is invested in any way, shape or form, even to redefine his preferences. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

It’s the same conversation I had with Anya when the older teens introduced her to porn. Just because she had the technology to look up what they were talking about didn’t mean she should have. She can’t unsee what she saw, she can’t unlearn certain concepts. My point to her was that if she’d brought the question to Nathan and I, we could have given her the most PG version possible and then she would have avoided the trauma of that learning experience.

This man is doing the same thing but with real humans and in real time. That’s bound to end up in someone getting hurt, or a medical problem (pregnancy or STD), and potentially both. That kind of reckless disregard for consequences is very hazardous and speaks to a lack of integrity.

I’ve told Nathan about him hitting on me and that I suspect he hasn’t even tried googling me yet. I suspect that if he had, the innuendo would have gotten more intense. As it is, I’m currently experiencing the same level as everyone else he has in his sights. Though I’m flattered that he’s acknowledged me as a possibility for him, he’s not really even close to one for me. Especially if he can’t snap out of the BS quickly and regain his senses.

I told Nathan the unfortunate side effect of me being who I am, is that I tend to bring far more to the table for others, than they do for me. I cited several relationships where I changed paradigms for people, but I benefited in no way. Several others I managed to enjoy a little intimacy to still end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick. One couple in particular were not interested in me or Nathan as partners, but they were perfectly happy taking advantage of introduction to polyamory and Camp Gaea. It’s just one of many such situations I’ve contributed to.

Yet acknowledging these things, I’ve had to step back a bit and admit that each and every situation has provided me with lists of “do’s & don’ts”. Every situation has provided clarity. The couple I just referenced for example, in hindsight I can see that several of their habits are far too unhealthy for my needs and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. So, I may have opened their minds and shifted their paradigm, but I gained great clarity on what kinds of people and their habits I’m looking for.

So I’m a very complex person with complex needs, wants, and desires. As evidenced by the array of music I listen to. Below is just a short sampling of what’s accessible on my phone, of which I’m in the midst of listening to on shuffle.

That brings me to my bullet points of redefining today- I’ll list them below the music screenshot.

  • I asked for tall dark and handsome with intelligence and financial stability (to help with myself feeling more safe and secure), but it needs to come with integrity and sensibility and an awareness of consequences.
  • I still wish I had my Indian people back that I let into my heart. My heart aches for that connection. C’est la vie.
  • Polyamory is a must: an understanding that intimacy is exchanged because of a foundation in love, and an ability to share of ourselves and contribute as family.
  • Respect for myself and my family is a must. I’m not a trophy or a touchdown, and my goal continues to be building a bigger family. None will be cut to enable another’s entry. Once I am fully committed and invested, I intend to remain as such.
  • Respect is earned, and love is found and grows.
  • People need to start investing in me as much as I do them. Otherwise I’ll just quit investing altogether. I can always keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I need more heartache like another hole in the head. I need to see genuine interest and caring interactions before I invest in another relationship again.
  • I need people to understand I didn’t get where I am overnight. If I tell you I have allergies that have taken decades to figure out, and I don’t have willpower because my body is chemically addicted to those allergens, then you should be supportive and not consider it a fun game to get me to eat that shit. It’s not a fun game to give an alcoholic liquor, and it shouldn’t be any different with me and a doughnut.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If you find you’re interested, you better define why. I may be a bit jaded and cynical at this point and distrust flirtations and innocent placations. Having someone promise the world to me and turn around 6 months later to literally take everything back will do that.
  • I care about ME.
  • I love ME.
  • I respect myself.
  • I know I’m strong and intelligent.
  • I know I have integrity.
  • I know I consider consequences.
  • I know I make choices carefully.
  • I know I value others.
  • I know I am consistent regardless of my being different from the masses.
  • I know that I care about myself and others.
  • I will wait patiently for others to begin reflecting these things to me.
  • I know I am strong physically, mentally, and emotionally and my strength has come from overcoming many, many challenges.
  • I know that in time my willpower over my allergens will increase as the chemical dependence on them decreases, it’s simply another challenge of practice makes perfect. I look forward to more people around me being supportive of that journey for me, and helping me to build my willpower.
  • I look forward to being around people that have faced similar challenges and really understand how to be supportive. The kind of people that can help me increase my health and finish reaching some of my goals, because they’ve already gone through the journey.
  • I look forward to people with more pieces to completing my puzzle, more keys to unlock the paths still unrevealed. More progress.
  • I look forward to more people that can see all of me and can handle it.

May you all have redefining moments. May you all see what you seek. May you all have a healthy level of self-love, self-respect, and self-admiration. May God send you the people to help continue your growth.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Wishes and Dreams

Today the work theater presents “The Greatest Showman”. I’m only 15min into my resident-sitting-movie-gig, and it’s a reminder of the threads that have kept me going. My wishes and dreams.

It seems that my wishes and dreams may be working their way into reality. That reversie card I wrote about, may be finally at play.  It seems the messages from the divine (or simply the other side) are getting louder.

The last week brought messages from my friend’s late uncle about her grandfather’s ill health. He worked very hard to warn her using me as the middle woman. It took days to figure out because I knew they were messages, but it wasn’t until I started showing her pictures of the messages that she put the pieces together. She’d sent me a copy of a picture of the uncle to show me who was communicating, and later in the evening his picture (on my phone) opened itself right as she was being informed grandpa was being taken to the ER.  It was eerie, but fascinating validation. Luckily by morning she learned that grandpa had a very treatable temporary setback. He’d be okay.

That was in the midst of finishing my portion of my taxes to get them turned into my accountant. I really hope she’s able to work the same magic as years before, because between baby and moving we’ll really need a decent return.

Speaking of moving, that’s part of the reversie card. 

We never did find an adequate yet affordable home. However, my friend (Hannah) with the talkative deceased uncle, has offered their home, and to simply split the existing costs. 

We’ve been friends for several years, but lately we’ve discovered how intensely we share goals, hopes, dreams, skills, preferences, and even health challenges. We grok each other, an understanding on a deeper level. We’ve gotten very close, and I feel like she’s family in my heart. So, when they offered their home, and even to help make necessary adjustments to accommodate us, I couldn’t say no. I feel like it’s an honor to have her support and love. I can’t see the full puzzle being put together yet, but definitely feel like she’s a very important piece, and one I’m glad to call family. I definitely feel my heart blossoming and growing with more love for a greater family than I could have imagined. 

I’ve shared with her my thoughts on all my previous messages and including the picture with the elephant figurines and the happenings with the boy, and she is in agreement. She agrees that he’ll eventually return and I just need patience and to keep my hopes and dreams alive. 

What’s more is what she’s found in helping prep for our full move in. She’s found her bulbs of the ‘Lily of India’-5 of them, she’d already planned on planting them, but they’d already begun to sprout in the cellar storage. 

Then there was the elephants her grandmother played with as a child. She knew they existed, but as she was sorting belongings she found them, 5 to be exact.

It gives me goose bumps and spine shivers every time another sign like that shows itself. It’s validation that I’m not crazy and that at least some things I see are indeed messages. I look forward to seeing the full manifestation of all of these divine signposts. To that end I keep repeating “my miracle is on its way, just keep believing”.

It was one such moment that I realized the car in front of me had a plate that said “4SHIV”. I snapped a picture and sent it to Nathan and Hannah to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. (I’d put it here, but I don’t have their permission and the photo would give away their state which could jeopardize their personal information.) Regardless, both Nathan and Hannah validated it very much said what I thought, and we all had an OMG’s moment. I pointed out, there was enough characters for the A on the end of Shiva. I was left with a strong sense it had to be for me because the shortened version isn’t commonly used here.

 It was very much a perfect alignment of astronomical odds that I know was a message for me from the divine. For that I am forever grateful. It’s those seemingly small kernels that mean massive amounts to me and help me get through this chaotic time of 3rd trimester diet craziness, moving, working an insane amount, squeezing in taxes, and then doing my best to have at least a few minutes of quality time with my kids before falling over from fatigue each night. It will all be worth it when my growing family is using our miracle to build Atira.

I very much look forward to that. Those will be wonderful days.

Huzzah!

So, I’m 165 posts into writing, having begun Januray 2016. Nathan has reiterated that I have written at least enough for one novel, maybe 2 or 3. I was curious and discovered that I could get accurate word stats if I upgrade to a paid wordpress account. Perhaps I’ll do that after a paycheck or two from the new job. It’s not really in the budget right now. Of course I know how to manually tally each post up to find my overall total, but I’ve definitely not got the time to wade through all 165 posts to do that! So for now, I’m just going to acknowledge that Nathan’s probably right and I’ve written a lot.

Who knew? I sure didn’t, I went into this writing thing kicking and screaming. I felt like it was too much like when I was in college. WORK! Now I see the benefit of writing; especially since I’m no longer writing about arbitrary subjects dependent on some arbitrary class I was required to take. Now I see that when you write about things that matter to your own little slice of the universe, it actually feels good. It helps me process, it helps me to vent at times, I can think things through and put relatively coherent thoughts to my feelings- be they good or bad, positive or negative. It has helped me to say things that I really didn’t have any other way to say them. It has also helped me to define things, like how do I know when something seems to be divinely influenced- logic leaves the room, but I still feel things so intensely I must say something, I must at least attempt to put words to my thoughts and feelings. So in that respect writing has been huge.

Now that 165 posts has been 1.75 years worth of my life, and a retelling of some of my history.

The original goal of the blog was to write about building a safe comfy home. That fell through.

Then it began to include writing about my work as a massage therapist, it seems that as well may eventually come to an end. It isn’t tomorrow, too many bills to pay, and now an extra child to plan for. However, I simply can’t foresee continuing to work 6 or 7 days a week indefinitely.  I think it would eventually kill me. This is definitely a “temporary” situation, and being that I’m a bit burnt out on doing massage, at the moment I would think it would be the first to be given up. I do enjoy helping people, but I do also like making plenty of money and I also like having benefits, neither of which really truly happened working as even a successful self-employed massage therapist. Which, by the way, was more of a success than any job I had doing the same work. The next most successful moment was working for the one chiropractor, that is until he worked me too long and hard, and I almost didn’t make it home one night. Good wages or not, that one was simply not worth it.

In my blog I’ve covered things that bug me, get my goat so to speak. I’ve ranted and raved, and written well thought out arguments for my views on a few topics. That, I think, is when I realized that despite the original goal of this blog, I was simply writing about me.

SO, then I decided if I was going to write about me, why not just write about everything. Everything became equal fodder, nothing was off the table. The topics began to include my views on life, god, the divine, my religious beliefs, polyamory and my family. I knew going into many of those topics that I could be treading into murky treacherous waters. I simply have a much more diverse view of the world than much of mainstream society, and when that happens, it’s likely that you can get not so pleasant feedback. Fortunately, of all my readers, I’ve gotten no negative feedback and for that I’m simply grateful. There were moments after posting articles that I would stop and console myself preemptively, knowing that my words would be different, not what much of America would want to read and think about. I knew I could get some scary comments, yet none ever came. For that I am utterly grateful. I am very appreciative that my simply process here has for the most part been well received, and I have welcomed and appreciated every last bit of support.

I write all of this, just to solidify for myself that writing has been a good endeavor and that I should keep plugging away. I have scarce time these days, so it may become increasingly challenging to commit to and follow through with writing. In fact the only reason I have time now, is because I went to invoice on my half day off, and the new processing system for the one corporation (4 of my buildings) had not been set up, and thus invoicing didn’t happen. It’s okay, I’ll have all of the 3rd “off”, so I can catch up then. just a few days behind schedule.

So then a quick update is in order while I still have a few moments left.

My son has missed me so much that he is very clingy and when I go to leave he erupts in tears. My daughter is even more huggy, she always was, but it seems like the time apart has actually caused appreciation to manifest in my family in a more noticeable and visible way.

My husband is still struggling to keep up, and thus he still shows frustration. He spent several days driving around looking for properties to call on, so the house work fell grossly behind- something that always causes friction between us. I simply hope that after 14 years of marriage/life-together, he figures out how to make practical hands-on time-management improvements based upon what I have tried to explain thousands of times. That’s all, and at this point I still struggle to see those improvements depending on the day.

The saving grace is that I can acknowledge that:

  1. we are drastically different personalities and we’ve always disagreed on what is most important. For instance, I can’t stand clutter, but Nathan has always had a high tolerance for it.
  2. he is struggling internally as much as I am, but often in different ways. He does still have a heart condition. His meds do affect his cognitive abilities, and even at times his emotional stability. We now know that his kidneys are struggling a bit- not truly failing, but something he’ll have to make adjustments for. We know that he has high cholesterol and needs to make adjustments for that as well. The one we’re still waiting to find out on is the Melanoma, initial blood-work didn’t give us that answer. If he does have it, it may or may not be easily treatable, the biggest catch if he does, is finding the tumor(s) and removing all of them. So, I can’t hold him to the same standards as most others because he is literally facing challenges every day just being alive.
  3. I love him. Truly and deeply. That makes everything else somehow worth it. I’ve agreed with the saying before that love is not a potato, but when you love someone to that extent, you’ll do whatever is in your power to help them and be with them. My Nathan is no different, and since we long ago chose to combine our lives, I’ve stuck it out and everything we do, we do as a family.

Finally, my down time last night and today has been filled with thoughts of the boy. I haven’t heard from him for a while again, but this is wedding month, so I think that all has been going on. It would definitely take priority.

I had done my best to push him out of my mind, and of course all I managed to do was eliminate obsessing over him. I never did completely forget about him, but being so busy, the thoughts were fewer and further in between. Yet, last night I felt him, again this morning, and again this afternoon. I feel like he has finally admitted he has feelings for me, because that was the way it felt. Before, I would send love and get that pit in my stomach in return- the kind you get when you want something, but you are afraid of the consequences. But the last 24 hours I have felt warm and fuzzy and all melty on the inside, and there was a mental interaction that I think has great ramifications. Only time will tell on that one.

I think for him it was originally an either or decision, but now that he’s committed to the wife (who has been told about me at least once, he posed a question to her about me early on) I think he’s now beginning to wrap his brain around logistics of polyamory. MY hope is that he is filling the wife in on all of the details that might have been glazed over at earlier discussions.

When I have sat with this, I get messages that seem to imply they will both be heading back here to KC soon. Though, I think she must have some commitment that she has to wrap up first, because the messages imply him and later her. Regardless, it seems that the divine/other-side is supportive of us all sharing one home and acting as one extended family. That message I love and very much look forward to. So much so, that I told Nathan to contemplate that as he looked for houses. Nathan’s response was why don’t we continue as planned and we can always adjust at a later date. I said sure, and perhaps the rent to own situation might allow for additions or adjustment to floor-plans!

Who really knows. All I know is that right now, I still feel really, really good about this man, and can’t wait to hear from him again, I also can’t wait to find out more about his now wife. I really do want to make her feel welcome if she makes the choice to support the polyamory decision. I want her to feel the loving supportive freedom that polyamory can provide. That would be ideal.

Anyway, I have just run out of time, so until next week- Adieu! Be well my readers, and thank you so much for reading and being supportive of my very unique views and life.

Dancing like Sugar Plums

So I’ve referenced having had visions of the man on several occasions. It seems that if he returns to my life it is likely not any time soon (unless he’s scheming something and not telling me- entirely possible I’m sure). I know I have given him links to my blog in the past, so this particular post could potentially bite me in the ass.

However, I feel like I need to document what those visions I’ve had were, and take that risk. Partly for me to cling to them because they feel so darn good, and partly as documentation. A, just in case they do pan out, I can validate myself by saying see- I wrote this post back in August 2017 when I was under the impression you had left the mid-west. How was I to know they would actually come to pass?! Honestly, the idea of that conversation feels really, really good! Keep doing that, beating that drum, my 808.

Anyway, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this all in perfectly coherent order, or even very clear, but my goal is to describe all of the insights I’ve had.


The very first one I  had, was giving him a hug. That simple. But it was like a memory of really hugging your mom early in life. I could feel his clothes rubbing my skin. I saw and felt the brown suit-coat he was wearing, I slid my arms between the suit-coat and his shirt and felt the warmth. I could feel the muscles in his back, and smell- the gentle smell of a clean man. I could see his face (but initially on the first several instances I couldn’t see his eyes), I saw the shape of his chin and his cheeks. I whispered in his ear “Thank you” with his name several times. His initial reaction was almost stunned still holding his arms open, and after a few moments he very gently hugged me back. It was a long hug, very comforting.

After experiencing that several times over, I did eventually see his eyes. Beautiful deep brown eyes like Nathans, but his seemed to have honey colored flecks in them. Very expressive and full of emotion. When I first saw his eyes, they were full of fear. Since then they have softened, but still seem to carry concern.



The next vision I had was in a dream. I literally had a dream of myself looking in a big oval mirror. The mirror was very fancy and unlike any in my daily life. I was standing there checking myself, and stopped in awe. I had seen what I was wearing, like really seeing it for the first time, like I had no idea that’s what I had on. It was my reaction in the mirror that caused me to step back in the dream. I could see that I was wearing a beautiful bright red sari with thousands of gold and silver beads on it. It was like the Indian version of the dresses the Jersey gypsies wear in that reality show. Very glitzy and glamorous and very beautiful. I’ve never worn anything like that, even the one time I did wear a sari it was a relatively plain blue one. In the dream I was just in awe at the intricacy of the beading, and how good I looked in it. It was so beautiful that I wanted to cry.

My wedding dress for marrying Nathan was a simple renaissance style dress that I made myself. It cost $200 in fabric, and many hours of sewing, and though I was happy with it, I knew it was not the beautiful traditional wedding dress that most women have. I never really wanted the white dress, but I think I always wondered if the dress I made was as beautiful as I hoped for it to look. I think I convinced myself that it was beautiful enough, but I know there is probably part of me that had wished it was fancier to show how important the occasion was. I know I had looked at some beautiful handmade dresses from England that were made with rich brocade fabrics and had embroidered details. They were the inspiration for my much more plain results.

So, then this dream with the beautiful glitzy red sari, I did actually cry. It was such an amazing dream, and one that is still somewhat unbelievable to me. I have no idea how that would ever actually be possible.


At that point though, I was hooked on this man. After those 2 visions, I thought this guy must be a sure thing. So I created a visualization to guide a vision. When I do that I start by meditating, getting myself into that nice comforting space. Then I start with what I know and build on it, eventually turning lose the reins to see a response. So, I started with the visage that I saw in the first one, the hug. I created him walking into a place like Panera.

I greeted him and hugged him again. Then asked him to sit in a booth and I sat across from him. I told him I’d waited what seemed like forever for that moment and that I was really happy to see him. He just nodded.

I told him about working with Reiki and how it is really just another form of energy that science is just now starting to contemplate. That science hasn’t even scratched the surface of it yet. I asked if I could demonstrate it for him. He nodded again. So I had him hold his hands palms up on the table and put my hands just above his, but not touching. I ran through all of the Reiki elements I have been trained on, plus the 2 that have been “given” to me in more recent years. I finished by pumping pure love,  Ed Edwards style. As I did my half of the visualization I watched for his facial expressions. They ran through a whole array of expressions just like people that I’ve worked with do. When I finished I asked him if he felt anything and he nodded and whispered yes. I asked if he could feel changes or differences at points during what I did, and got the same response.

The first time I did that, that was where I ended (more like ran out of steam, it takes a lot of mental energy to do something like that). I repeated the exercise another time, and on the repeat with the Reiki I told him details about what I was doing and had him nod when he felt a change, so I could move on to the next element. At the end I told him about the pumping my love to him and he started crying. It startled me, so I never did it just that way again. I told Nathan about the crying and Nathan said it made sense to him, but I still feel bad about making the man cry. So much so, that now I just send general love to him and haven’t created that space since.


Somewhere in the midst of that time frame I had another dream, this would have been about October I think. Late last fall anyways.

In the dream I was telling Anya and Ian that I was pregnant. Nathan was sitting next to me on one side, and the man was sitting next to me on the other. As would be expected Ian was unfazed and wandered off to play. Anya however did the “but, but…” protest that I think all older siblings do, especially when they’ve had to help with youngers. I replied: “Well, it’s perfect really. You are your mom and Nathan; Ian is Nathan and me. This baby is me and (the man- I said his name in the dream). It’ll be a perfect blended family, and everyone that’s still alive is here. We’re all one happy family.”

That was where I woke up. I told Nathan the next morning, and he replied “Yeah, I knew that”. I said really, you couldn’t have filled me in. Nathan joked: “Well it seems I didn’t need to!” Geesh.


The kiss came shortly thereafter while I was driving. Just as vivid as the hug. I literally felt his lips touch mine.


I also had several instances where he was thinking about me and I felt it very, very intensely in my body. One of them we conversed about an hour afterward and he confirmed what I felt. There have been several lesser in intensity.


One dream, was a projection of the first time we’re intimate. It was so vivid that it is still surreal to think about. Obviously being a public blog I’m not going to give details on this one, for the sake of any minors that might come across this. However, it is so vivid that I look forward to finding out how accurate the visuals are. I’m pretty sure that if my visuals are accurate I could go clothing shopping for him. It was amazing and left me reeling  with perma-grin the whole following day.



More recently, in response to questions I’ve had, both Nathan and I have had visuals on his soon to be wife. We just wanted to know what she looked like, and how she acted, her general demeanor and disposition. I think we’ve gotten that answer.

I saw her sitting at a desk very focused on books and papers in front of her. Nathan got a similar vision. We both have seen her as very slender,  average height to tall-ish, almost like Anya’s current build. She seems quiet and I’ve only ever seen her hair up in a bun. She also seems very subdued and like she doesn’t want attention, but she’s very pretty. I feel like she wants platonic love (like parents and kids, or siblings share), but isn’t ready or interested in sex or other types of intimacy: because in my visuals she will take hugs every time, but shys away from other actions.

That’s ok, I just wanted to know. I don’t know why I want to know so badly, except for the fact that at some point she may be brought into my life by the man. I don’t like being blind-sided, and I feel like I would be more outwardly welcoming to her with some level of knowing- i.e. my actions try to meet her needs. Otherwise, I feel like if she is willing to deal with me and my family, and accepting of being family with us, then she is welcome anytime, and I’ll do my best to help her feel welcome.


Another vision I had sitting on the sofa watching TV. I literally glazed over watching TV, and started daydreaming. I looked down while in the daydream and saw the man’s head resting on my belly. I realized that he was listening for the heartbeat of baby. I reached down and felt his hair, and rested my hand on his shoulder.

It was a very brief visual, but one that made my heart swell. I felt an expansion of love that was very great and amazing.


Recently I have had moments where I felt like my cheek was being touched. I’ve felt sensations on my lips several times. I have felt hands on my shoulders. All very comforting. Those I can’t specifically say relate to him, but I think of him every time I feel something, so in a synchronicity sort of way, I do feel like they at least encourage thoughts of him.



Then there was the energetic interaction I wrote about in the 2 blogs: “The Why of Love” (June 30th) and follow up in “If nothing else my garden is doing great.” (July 1st). I literally heard him say “It’s not just me, it’s my whole family, my whole life, it’s everything.” I felt like we were having a conversation. One that ended feeling very good in another intimate type feeling interaction. Again very vivid and very surreal. That one was so intense I was almost in disbelief that he wasn’t in the room. It didn’t help that that particular interaction caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was actually in the middle of doing something else when it started. It literally distracted me from doing part of my regular routine. I have yet to understand how I’m having such intense experiences with not a stitch of mind altering anything in my system, and especially when the subject at hand is thousands of miles away from me.


Lastly was the lunch meditation at work on July 27th. It was the really good day right before the 2 bad days (wrote about those in “help is on it’s way”). Anyway, I had intended to just have a quiet moment to recenter and ground a bit.

I seemingly slipped into deep meditation very easy on that particular occasion, and instead was drawn into more.

Right away I was taken by an intense visual of a peregrine falcon in dive. I know what this looks like because it was the logo for a small business I worked for at one point. However, in the meditation it was like a real peregrine was right in front of me, super vivid and super intense. That image was swept away by a view of mountains. I felt something on my neck and realized that I was being kissed from behind. I felt hands running down my shoulders and arms. It was nice. I felt a tug and stepped backward to follow it, the view of the mountains was a view from a very large window, curved at the top. The hands guided me backward and I felt the cool sensations of glass block on my back (something I’ve always wanted for the bathroom in the top of the dome). I knew I was in my dome house that I’ve always dreamt of.

The hands were the man. I could hear Nathan and the kids in the background (probably downstairs I inferred). We laid on the bed and I could feel the satiny sheets on my skin. It was so beautiful. I felt so beautiful. I felt loved. I felt peace and calm. I felt like everything was perfect, had gone perfectly, I was blissful. The interactions were all blissful. The breathtaking view was amazing and I just kept thinking this is it, this is the dome. This is Atira.

I know that the energy of that meditation was real, because the rest of the day everyone kept commenting on how good I looked, and complimenting me. What I intended as a quick 5 min grounding turned into a 20 min blissful vision of the future that left ripples for the rest of my day. The gratitude is still intense for me.


That is all of them. At least up to this point. I hope they do come true, but even if they don’t I enjoyed all of the moments. Every last one of them felt good, and still do. I can’t imagine that all of that feeling good doesn’t help. According to Abraham Hicks and Ms. Hay, good feeling visions like that are inspiration and lead to good manifestations in the future. So even if he doesn’t come back, something else good will. That I am going to hold on to, and use this as a reminder.

Finally, thank you for reading all of my ramblings. I know I use a lot of words and write a lot. Nathan teases me about it all the time, because I originally didn’t think I had anything to say that anyone else would want to read. Now I find that I’m mostly writing for myself and it’s a bonus that others find it interesting enough to read. That I appreciate very, very much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

If nothing else my garden is doing great. 

You may have noticed a lack of updates about the physicality of our lives. It’s because there is precious little to report. I’m doing my best to not be upset about that.  It is what it is. “I am where I am and it is ok. It has to be because it’s all I’ve got. ” – Abraham Hicks

It’ll sort out in time,  especially since I’m staying buoyant more and more. I’m going with the flow more these days than previous,  so it has to improve eventually.

Anyway, in the meantime.  I’m enjoying garden happiness.

Radishes & herbs. The thyme & parsley are doing the best,  but I’ve got a little cilantro and sage as well.

The beans and snap peas did so so. & everything else is right in the middle of its growing season. 

My flowers are starting to be pretty…

& I’m enjoying watching the birds on the feeders,  but I’m apparently not even a decent wildlife photographer. So you’ll have to take my word for it. 

I’ve seen cardinals,  bluejays, other jays, nuthatches, your usual chicadees and finches. Momma Carolina Wren nested in the birdhouse again this year. Gold finches & orioles. There’s some kind of small brown & rainbow esque bird I see occasionally,  and lots of woodpeckers of a variety.  I’ve seen some beautiful barn owls & I can hear a great horned owl every night. Though a schreech owl can also be heard at times.

I’ve seen kestrels, peregrines, gryfalcons, some kind of dark hawk I think might have been a Harris hawk. Oh, and lots of vultures, there are about a dozen within a mile of home and they’ll often fly as a group.  The houses have been buzzed many times. It’s really neat. 

We had to fortify the coop from a raccoon that ate a few chickens.  Opossums, rabbits, skunks,  and squirrels abound. I thought I felt the big kitty watching us at night for a couple of weeks,  but even that sensation is gone now & I never did catch sight of her. 
Otherwise, it’s just peaceful and I’ve taken advantage of that a few times now. More time for introspection in a positive way. 

Finally,  on another note,  my post from yesterday: something else occurred to me. “It’s not just me, it’s my whole life,  my whole family”. Yes,  that is who we are in a nutshell.  It’s good to know all of that about someone.  It’s good to meet someone’s family to get a clearer idea of things, an understanding of motivations,  how someone is likely to interact with others, and even how they were raised so to see how it might affect life decisions and really everything about a person. It helps to know how emotions are shown, or not; expectations that are built into family  dynamics,  communication skills/ interactions,  and even basic functions of daily life. 

I’d like that very much.  I’d like to know all of that and more. I know that’s complicated though and may or may not ever happen with anyone at this point. 

  I met Anya’s mom’s family when I was still just “the new girl”. They totally disregarded me as anything to be concerned with until Amy got sick.  Yet after Amy passed they finally accepted me as a mom figure in Anya’s life.  Things are mostly ok now. 

I met Nathan’s family early on and they liked me right away.  It did provide lots of clarity and understanding and still to this day does at times. 

Nathan met my family.  I think they liked him fairly well as an individual,  but they were very forthright in their dislike of me choosing to marry him.  He was too old, too black, too poor, and previously married with a child is always a bad idea.  To this day I know that my family dwells on my marrying him as having been a bad choice. Yet 14 years later, 8 of marriage,  I’m still in love with him,  even with all the struggles and woes. If I could change one thing it’d have been more money, a lot more.  If 2 things,  it’d be more time freedom.  Neither of those would have changed my relationship with Nathan,  only made it easier to enjoy more time with him doing more exciting and fun things.

I personally think that even if we’re  somewhat astranged from family- as in my case, we never really escape the fragments and remnants in our psyche. It’s definitely an ongoing connection that shapes who we are as people. I have already thought through introducing poly life partners to my family. It wouldn’t be easy, surely very complicated, and  I’m certain it’ll go over pretty much the same as it did with Nathan. However, I also feel my family would have the right to at least know,  they raised me, they need to see how their influences turned out. But more importantly,  my partners have a right to know that same information.  My partners have a right to know the complexity of what they are committing to, because I am a sum of all of my life experiences and family  interactions. My family is inherently part  of me,  for better or for worse. I hope that Nathan and I will one day have life  partner(s) willing to go through the uncomfortable experience of meeting my family, and the slightly less uncomfortable journey of meeting Nathan’s family. It would go miles for helping us all understand each other,  but it would also show they are guinenly committed to being a part of mine & Nathan’s family. That is priceless. 

Love and Bro-mance

I love my husband. Very, very much. Last night I got caught in an illusion of fear.  Fear of losing him.  It was in the midst of a panic attack, which hindsight probably means I can drop my thyroid dose again. I’m testing  that theory today. 

Regardless,  the panic felt real.  It felt concrete.  It felt like impending doom.

Yet the positive side of  that was a strong desire to cling to him and tell him every thing that I love and charish about him.

I explained to him that all of my frustrations & upsets and none of them are enough to want to let go of him. I told him I loved his smile, his beautiful eyes, his strong arms. I loved his desire to right wrongs, his compassion. I love that he is smart and creative.  I love that he is kind,  gentle,  and a good dad.  I love that he is open minded and truly appreciates women. I love that he has stood up for women’s rights and done his best to help change the world. I love that he is passionate about certain things. And above all I love his desire to have  a great big loving family under one roof. I told him ALL the details about why I love him.

I said that I hoped one day we still get our poly family because I rather enjoyed thinking about the possible interactions when I thought we had partner(s) inbound. I told him how I knew there would be good times because he’s so easy going that if another man was in our lives he’d probably end up making such good friends that his bro-mance might overshawdow my loving commitment. 

I told him how I had already imagined that I’d go ask one of them to do something with me & that they would look at each other and say “sorry we already made plans to go do…”. It makes me smile and laugh to think of things like that.

I also thanked him again for being so strong to pull me out of dark places.  I thanked him for being understanding and being good with conflict (I  qualified that with: just work on your skills of verbalizing what’s in your head). I told him about how I figured he would be the best intermediary keeping our family together and talking  to one another.  He’s a good balanced ambassador & mediator. I also found light in his prospective reactions when I would have created some silly conflict because of my stubbornness (which is usually the case); he’d probably laugh at us and walk away to watch from a distance. The comedic possibilities are endless when acknowledging love at being the glue in a family. 

 Ultimately,  I really love my husband and I  hope to one day see all of our dreams come true. So today I focus on that, and him being happy and healthy. I will still think of those bro-mance moments,  but perhaps a little more generalized than when they first came to mind, and maybe there will be another woman too. That would be nice. 

Polyamory

So I haven’t written much about polyamory as a general topic because there are plenty of great resources on the topic.  It’s not nearly as much of a minority as one might think.

Anyway,  I found a pintrest post image I think fits well, & thought I’d share some of my more favorite links if  you’d like to learn more.

 Image courtesy of Pinterest

More good links: 

https://polyamory.dating/recommended-websites-about-polyamory/

http://www.lovemore.com/

http://www.polyinfo.org/ 

http://polyweekly.com/

 Nathan & I have personally met Morning Glory & Oberon Zell-Ravenheart & one other of  their long-term later life partners. Although Morning Glory has since passed away,  I highly recommend their writings, especially since they coined the term polyamory and the resulting geek joke  about it being wrong for combining Greek and Latin roots.

Courtesy of Wikipedia:

The word polyamorous came to prominence in an article by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, “A Bouquet of Lovers”, published in May 1990 in Green Egg Magazine, where it appeared as “poly-amorous”.