Tag Archives: pondering

Ponderings

So this week has been cold as eff for Kansas City, and it’s only supposed to get worse in a few days. It means I’m in for a frigid birthday. Merh, nothing new, I’m used to it, in all my life I’ve only had 2 mild weather brithdays. I don’t mind the snow, it’s the bone chilling cold and frigid wind that gets to me.

Though as a kid I remember enjoying a few classic winter style. Snow forts and snowball fights. Sledding down manmade hills of snow and playing king of the hill once everyone got tired of climbing up and down. Hot cocoa and toddler sized personal-pan birthday cake. To be fair, all that combined, I probably ran off all the calories and some, playing in the cold winter weather. But most birthdays fell on school days, or now as an adult workdays, and they were just nothing special, especially since I never got to take them off.

My birthday is so close to Valentine’s day that I used to get jealous of all the girls that got flowers and chocolates delivered to them. Being just after Christmas, resources were always already thin, and celebrations were always small.

Now I am in a better place and I know focusing on those elements is not helpful. So, I’m going to ponder what that translates into for me.

I had thought about getting myself a She-Ra action figure from when I was a kid. It would be nostalgic, and potentially a good investment, but only if I leave it in the box. Though I can afford a figure like that right now, I’m still not convinced it’s worth it. It’s not exactly a cheap toy to buy an original in the box, but the nostalgic value would be in playing with it. It would loose it’s sentiment pretty quick if I just tucked it on a shelf away from my kids’ grasp. Yet, I don’t afford myself time to do childish things anymore, I’m too busy being responsible and acting like a boring adult. So the cost/value scale might not balance fully.

So I’ve not bought an action figure for myself, even though I kinda want to. No, instead I took the day off and booked myself a 2 hour massage session. I picked a guy near me that proclaims he does similar work, we’ll see if it’s adequate to get through 7 weeks of only having received self-care and husband-care. I’m crossing my fingers it is, especially since I told him up front what I was looking for and needing.

Beyond that, my husband is working on some sort of surprise he says. I hope so, I could really use a nice surprise. He did that a couple times before. My 21st birthday was my first actual birthday party ever and he invited all our friends at the time. Then my 35th birthday- I was reaching third trimester of pregnancy (with Katherine) and he took me to dinner with a half dozen friends and their significant others. Both were spectacular in my book, I was speechless the second time he pulled it off.

I would love for a good surprise, a happy surprise. I would love for the weather to perk up up some. I would love to enjoy a good meal, a warm treat, and some good company in addition to my family. I would love to feel like life was normal and pleasant again. I would love the universe to surprise and delight me as well. Flowers would be nice, I always like flowers. I think all flowers are beautiful, but I love ones that are growing still, or that last a long time after being cut and smell good.

I like feeling loved and wanted. I love feeling like I matter to others.

I love feeling like I look good. I love feeling beautiful. Nathan and I just did a closet purge to enable us to get new-to-us clothes that fit better and look nice. It was really nice to be able to do that, and I love some of the new items. It would be nice to be able to wear one of them and feel good for a bit.

Yet, above and beyond all of this, I know that God loves me. I feel my connection and I love how it feels. I like that feeling more than anything else, and know it doesn’t take much for me to get there anymore. I like feeling good, and between my booked massage and my ability+desire to meditate, I know I will feel good on my birthday. Anything and everything else will just be a bonus.

I am worthy and deserving of a good birthday with a wonderful surprise. I deserve to feel good and feel loved and beautiful. I know I will have a good birthday next week no matter what.

May you see what you desire. May you have wonderful birthdays. May you find ways to accommodate even decades old desires. May you have fun and find your childish side occasionally. May you know you are special and deserving of everything you want. May you always feel good. May you know that God loves and supports you in everything you do and all that you are.

Om Shanti

Red, Black and White

More than just colors, they are frequent reminders in my experience. Good reminders of my childhood and connections. They have become more frequently present than they used to.

In my childhood black and white were the colors of my stuffies that served as the 3D prop for my connection to my ET. My divine protectors. I called the 2 stuffed pandas Mr and Mrs Checkers. I spoke to, and felt, Mr Checkers far more often than the Mrs. I would rarely feel her and don’t remember ever hearing her voice, I just knew she was there, and would talk to her to make sure she didn’t feel left out. They helped me in so many ways and guided me through many challenges. I am so very grateful.

When I was about 3 or 4, a summer or two before starting school, I remember playing outside in my sandbox, and despite having Mr and Mrs Checkers inside on my bed as usual, I was still talking to him as I played. I felt him and heard him. The only thing I remember from that conversation was that he told me he was going away for a while, but would be back. I asked why and was answered with he just had to. I felt very sad and he repeated that he’d be back, not to worry. Yet I felt him leave and knew he was no longer around me.

I always still talked to him and Mrs. Checkers, frequently in fact, it became my way of essentially talking myself through challenges. By the time I was in middle school fighting depression due to bullying, they and my cat were my cuddling reprieve. To this day I still have those two black and white stuffies sitting on a shelf, but now I blog to fill that need. That sandbox conversation was the last time he responded to me though, that is until about 5 years ago.

When I made the one connection with that stranger, my Checkers came back to me. I could feel, and hear him again. That’s when I had the messages through movies and other situational elements where I started referring to Mr Checkers as my ET, or My Shiva. It was clear to me that the names were more for me than that spirit. The connection to the divine was more important than anything else.

Now, after having him come and go again, I just wonder why. That divine connection means so much to me, I want it all the time. I want him, and that seems so black and white to me.

The colors being a symbol of things being so cut and dry. Positive and negative, this or that, good or bad. Yet, it’s not that simple. My black and white keeps leaving, and for years at a time, when I want so much for him to stay. At the same time, I have this black and white symbology in my experience when I myself am anything but that.

Bisexual, believing in God, defaulting to the pagan label because nothing else fits. No one’s rules fit me and my life. I’m supposed to pick gender for a life mate, yet my biology and psyche make that nearly impossible, I want to love them, and be loved by them all. Pregnancies broke rules, my diet, exercise regimen and body appearance all break rules of what is accepted as normal. I am literally a walking contradiction. Fat but otherwise healthy. Immune system more concerned about fighting foods than actual diseases (those are easy to kill). Stronger than most people, but looking like the Venus of Willendorf with a sprinkling of men’s chest and facial hair. It’s like my black and white got all mixed up. I’m more of a 50/50 grey.

Red now that’s a totally different color. Maybe I’m the red.

Red was the color of love growing up. I have a Valentine’s season birthday, and my favorite card as a child was one I pulled at the grocery store when my mom was trying to find a birthday card for me. Sitting in the shopping cart I saw a card with big red hearts on it, the center one was covered in glitter. I reached over, grabbed it, and opened it up. The song Für Elise started playing. Even though I didn’t know the song I thought it was beautiful. I begged my mom for that card. It was a $5 in the 80’s, which was the most expensive card you could buy. She was hesitant, but I kept opening it back up for the song to play, and she conceeded, saying it was expensive enough she wasn’t going to buy a second card for my birthday it could be both. I played with that card for months until there was no glitter left and the card literally fell apart at the seam. Years later when I learned to play piano I found out what the song was and learned to play it. To this day it is the only piano song I can play nearly all of from memory.

So red was love, red was birthdays, red was pretty cars in the posters on my brother’s wall. Red was roses, lilies, tulips, and begonias. Red was my favorite jelly shoes and Sunday best dress. Red was the patent leather belt I had for years, until I grew too plump for it to fit.

Red was also the color of my parents faces when they were super angry and the color of my skin after being spanked with my dad’s leather belt. Red was the wound on my leg for a solid month after falling on the merry-go-round. It was the color of my mom’s lipstick that I used on myself at 3yo, and then the mirror when I couldn’t aim right on myself. Red was the Ruby in the heart pendant my dad gave my mom. Red Ruby also adorned the angel pin I cherished because it was my first piece of jewelry. Red were the beautiful Christmas poinsettias that made the cats sick when they tried to eat the petals.

Today red is all of the above. All things come in red, and some are beautiful, some are necessity, some the red was not the reason for the choice. I love the color, and especially when it is an object of beauty. It’s passionate and strong like me, but loving and warm also.

Yet, I’m not sure it is me. Similar traits does not mean they are analogous.

However, every time I see those 3 colors: Red, Black, and White; especially together, I am reminded of my connection. It has literally become a trigger for me. Most days I acknowledge the sentiment, but find myself saying ” Where did you go?” Or “Why did you go?”. I ponder: will I ever understand, does it belong to another person just like me (that person I met) or is it only my divine half. Translation will I ever have the luxury of a hug, or will I only feel that embrace when I leave this body?

I wish I knew, but the fear my brain seems to enjoy so much, leaves me hesitant, you can’t close Pandora’s box once it is open.

So I find, yet again – regardless of the years which have passed, a strong desire to talk to my ET, my Shiva, my Mr Checkers.

I love your love and support. I love feeling you. It makes my heart hurt when you are gone. Please stay with me. I wish I understood better, I wish there was something I could do to help you be here with me. I loving knowing you care and love me.

I am so grateful for Nathan. He is so honest and supportive. He’s a terrible liar and knows that, so he rarely even tries to. He only hides things when he’s trying to fix something for me, like a surprise. He does so much for me that it remimds me of how I felt with you as a child. You both keep me safe and I feel so very loved when either one of you gives me attention. I wish I could hug and hold you.

It seems my puzzle fell apart over the holidays again, especially with the moving inconvenience. I know you helped me figure out that puzzle, so I’m hoping you’ll help me get it back together. I wish my body wasn’t so difficult to please, I wish I could heal my body enough that my puzzle got easier. Please come back and help me with that. I miss you.

I wish I knew what you were doing when you’re gone. I wish I could help you or others that you are with. Sometimes I feel so insignificant in this world, I want to help so much, but I struggle just to keep myself and my family afloat. I wish my puzzle and my life could get easier so that I could do good things for others and for God. I wish you were a part of that.

Do you remember when I used to pretend in my sandbox. I made communities, whole towns that did good things. Why are there so many bad people in the world, and why did one of the nastiest have to become our president. Why don’t people see what they’re doing is hurting the world? Why is it so hard for good people to stay buoyant and actually accomplish positive changes in the world. Why is it so hard for people to cooperate with each other?

I know you tried to tell me something when I met SJ. Please send that person my love and blessings. They are so far out of reach, and I’m doing my best to move on. I miss them too, but don’t have any way to reach out to them. I know you know how much I loved them, I just wish they knew, and if they do know I wish they could tell me that. I get that expansion happens because of problems like this situation, but I wish I had the solution for this one.

I wish I had more solutions for everyone and everything. I apologise for my oddities, my tangents, and for having experiences that can’t be quantified by science. Thank you for reading one such example.

May you have all the solutions you need. May you feel less odd and more normal. May you have easy health, happiness, and good fortune. May your experience be gentle on your constitution. May you feel loved and supported through a consistent connection to your divine half. May you have a happy life and blessed family. May you have a full understanding of your experience.

Many blessings,

Siva Hir Su