Tag Archives: positive thinking

Flogging Story So Far

Listen: https://youtu.be/BZGkxlLZZsM

I am thanking God I’m alive, yet acknowledging that Nathan and my couple of friends might be sick of my fitness puzzle updates, I thought I’d write it out. My story so far does make me who I am, and currently it’s kinda pissing me off.

Despite having birthed 2 children, losing weight during pregnancy, to reach 190 pounds twice; I’m shaking my head as to why the eff I’m hovering between 200-225 now.

At this point I can honestly acknowledge that I’m doing spectacular by all reasonable definitions. I already knew I was doing decent, but there were a few people that thought I wasn’t eating enough and thus causing my body to think it was starving. Because of their doubts I began to use my Samsung Health Tracker app to its fullest potential to find out for certain if my knowing was accurate or if their doubts were.

I have to say, except for the fact that it doesn’t track the calories I burn doing deep tissue massage, I’m really enjoying the accuracy and details it allows me to track. When I enter food I can pick brands, specify my particular serving, even down to individual ingredients for things like my breakfast shake, and it does all the math for me. I love it.

As you can see below, my worst day of food intake (when I’m at the old job) is the number of calories that many people consume as normal. Yet, for me that now only happens once or twice a month. Most days fall more in the range of what I took in on the 26th, which is more of the 850 to 1100 calories. Which, by the way, gives me plenty of energy. I actually struggle more on the high calorie days, because usually those involve succumbing to my food allergies.

That reminds me of a cartoon that Nathan found a few days ago…..(he’s been sharing memes on this topic with me because I’m ranty about it, he’s trying to help me find levity.)…

Anyway, I find it interesting that my nutrient balance score is low. I have been watching that score system and basically I get a better score when the protein to carb ratio is in a certain range. Unfortunately, I usually eat few carbs. My food intake still has carbs, but much lower ratio than most people. I also try to focus on healthy fats and I eat seafood or use pea protein powder for my proteins since I have had issues recently with red meat and never did do well with dairy or soy. I’m betting they factor that into their algorithm as well.

Moving on: in addition to these super healthy lower calorie days, I’m getting plenty of exercise. Beyond doing massages- which do burn calories, I’ve been doing more yoga and core exercises (leg lifts, variety of crunches, and planks) and walking a ton. Today I’ve done 30 min of yoga, about 40 min of core exercises, and then took an hour walk, keeping up pace with my Flogging Molly mix. My app only counted one of my jogging bits as running, but I picked up the place several times during my walk to keep up with the music. That’s despite the cold weather. *I really do love Flogging Molly for exercise.* My average steps per day is generally over that which the app recommends with few exceptions, and the one high-calorie day I hit 18,000 steps, nearly 8 miles of walking!

I’ve also been reeling in my blood sugars, finally getting my fasting numbers to begin to normalize. I have to say that the walking increase has helped with that, but making sure my dinners are on the light side also did. And blood pressure never was a concern, but I’m logging them anyway to make sure it stays that way.

My stress levels are even doing great and even when I push my speed with the walking/jogging I’m still keeping lower heart rates.

I swear that this meme is too true. Too close to home, but still funny.

Damn those genetics.

Anyway, I’m definitely feeling like all my work should amount to something visible. I have nothing to show for 4 months of dedicated exercise and food control. Except slightly better blood sugars. Oh well, I suppose I know, and regardless of people’s assumptions, I still know I can lift my husband (and most of the people I work on). I’m healthy despite having an obese body. Rawr.

I’ll leave you with 2 appropriate funny memes, and my usual blessing.

May you know your hard work matters. May your determination net visible results. May you see your improvement, and may you enjoy a healthful life.

Siva Hir Su

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Yet More Clarity

I’m totally over experiencing more contrast. I’m okay with some smooth sailing for a while, but to get there I must endure the remnants of my previous creations and keep reminding myself of the better things yet to come. So every negative ping is an opportunity to focus on what my inner-being is saying to me. So I’m going to just list some things by category (no particular order) that are the higher vibration positive thought of my negative pings of recent history.

Political Pings result in:

My Government works fairly well most of the time, and classically we as a country have fared better than many countries in the world.

Regardless of others’ opinions on how one should voice their concerns, at least we have the freedom to do just that in any way we choose; and eventually companies will realize how much that is a good thing and support all of those in their employ that choose to make intense valuable statements to help right wrongs in our history.

I understand that our military has fought for those rights, and they were trained very well that the flag is what they are fighting for. I also understand that the flag is merely a symbol of our greater democracy and ALL of its constituents, so really the military is fighting for all of us and all of our rights. Thus, I would think that there are those in the military that understand what they are truly fighting for- a major part being: our freedom of speech and to be able to generate positive changes through that freedom. So, regardless of how someone chooses to make a statement, ideally our military should acknowledge that they did fight for all of us. Additionally, if someone feels they need to make a big statement using the flag as their tool, then one would hope that everyone could realize it is just a tool, just a symbol, and see how important that statement is. As Summer Osborne sang “It was not just for some, it is for every single one”. If we have citizens that feel it does not reflect them or protect them, we should correct so that they will feel it holds that value for them as well. If the flag is to be a symbols for everyone, then make sure solutions point to that, or acknowledge that currently it is only protecting some, and make improvements so that one day it does include all of our citizens.

I know that my government does have some people in it, that really do care about the citizens of the country. Those people are doing their best, to find the best solutions, for the broadest portion of the population, that their decisions affect.

I know that really when you boil most of the apparent differences down, at the heart is a country wanting to be heard and wanting decisions in our government to reflect that.

I know that it is possible for love, and definitely acceptance, to overcome the negative issues in our country right now. It may take time, but it is certainly possible.

I look forward to seeing more people in our government that want to come together and find common ground to find the most solutions possible. I know that this coming election is a period that could generate many more of those individuals. I sincerely hope that our population can look for those most ideal representatives and place their votes for those candidates in confidence.

Our government can and will start doing better as people begin to focus more positively and on more solutions.

Home pings result in:

I’m totally ready to settle down, find my for-a-long-time home, my home-base to launch travels from. I know that this move may not be that ‘final’ move, but I’m getting closer to being able to do that. I’m listening to my inner-being better and eventually it will guide me to the resources and circumstances to be able to accomplish that. I really really look forward to that day. I remember the story from “The Secret” where the one guy moved something like 6 times in 4 years, but his last move was his dream home. I’m hopeful that I could be on that same trajectory right now. In which case its perfectly ok that I’m having to move again.

I have enjoyed being in a house with running water and efficient/stable electricity and internet. Having gone through a period without those things has definitely helped me to have a  much greater appreciation of them now. I look forward to our next home having as good if not better utilities.

I also have enjoyed being in an environment that was in better state of upkeep and with some color on the walls. It is nice and helps with a feeling of home and coziness. I like that a lot. I look forward to a home in excellent repair and the ability to make rooms the colors we choose. That will be nice.

Our neighborhood has been good, it’s quiet and cozy and everyone looks out for each other, they are friendly and welcoming. I appreciate that cooperativeness in neighbors, and look forward to our next neighborhood being that or even better.

I did enjoy being in the country, but I do also enjoy being closer to work. I am hopeful that we will find a home that is really close to work and has a touch of the feel that being in the country brings. I am sure that somewhere near work I can find a home with lots of trees and a little more secluded from the busy thoroughfares, because that does sound so wonderful and I know that God/my inner-being will help guide us to that.

I have especially appreciated that this home has fit within our budget even with having taken time off for having the baby. I am very appreciative that we had enough to get through, and I know that we will find another home that fits the bill. We will continue to have enough. God will continue to make sure we get through. Everything will be ok.

People pings result in:

I love feeling loved and I love feeling appreciated, and I love giving both in return.

Sometimes things just don’t work out, and I love knowing that I don’t have to let my heart get broken, that it is a choice and effort of focus. Even if I’m not there yet, I can be with a little (even a lot of) practice. If I practice well enough the next people in my life will meet my desires more readily.

I love that my husband is so very supportive of me in every way that he is able. I really appreciate that he has made great efforts and strides in keeping to his promises, no matter how big or how small. He has done much better at staying on top of things and getting everything done that he says he’s going to.

I am appreciative of when people tell me things and then follow through. I know that things do happen and people are not perfect, but I acknowledge that they have the best of intentions when they tell me things. I look forward to people giving me honest responses that include what could happen if “plan A” does not quite work out, what is their “plan b, c or d”.

I look forward to being surrounded by many people that work as diligently on finding their inner-being as I am working. Inspired people, lead to inspired actions, and then everything flows smoothly and easily, and everyone ends up happy. I love that idea.

I love that I am beginning to see my fears and angers for what they are, and I’m beginning to use that to push myself to find the god-force view of things. I look forward to all of my family being able to do that too. In fact I look forward to everyone around me being able to do that. It will propel us all too better days and away from restricting ourselves to rehashing the old negatives repeatedly. We all want improvement in one way or another or many ways, and finding that other view does seem to be an efficient way to find that improvement.

I have realized that as much as I enjoy mutuality with others on good or fun topics, I love so much more, finding mutuality with my higher-self that sees everything in the best way possible. I really, really care about what influence I’m under, and even though I’m still working on catching myself, I get better at it every day that I keep practicing my focus.

I know that when I’m the most hurt, most upset, most angry, it is the biggest and best opportunity to really learn how to refocus and find my inner-self; and even though it’s not instantaneous, it can be done fairly quickly if I really focus. It’s really rally satisfying to know that.

All of the negative situations and people in the last couple of years has really helped me to learn this process. I’m doing amazingly better than I was in 2015 and 2016. That is priceless, and means eventually my river will feel like smooth sailing. I am hopeful now, that it will even be such, very soon.

Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is merely to learn how to not do what they did, how to remain focused on higher more positive responses. Again a push to keep practicing. I prefer so much for feel secure and safe over fearful. I love so much to find appreciation over anger. I love knowing that by working on my thoughts I am improving my life in ALL ways. I am literally healing every aspect of my life, one thought at a time.



The one thing I haven’t had as many negative pings lately is on my health. I still have some saggy and floppy bits from having baby 4 months ago, but they are working on retreating, so I know they will firm up eventually. Beyond that I’ve had so many people telling me that I look good these days that I am very happy with my progress. When others know I’ve lost weight and see my glow, I know I am doing well. It helps me feel so much better knowing my efforts have paid off, and it is very encouraging so I’ll keep at it. I love feeling good and I know that my beliefs have have led to this path to finding feeling good. Eventually those beliefs will improve and create ease, but for now I will stick with the resulting path of least resistance to physically having optimum health.

Thank you Abraham/Collective-Consciousness for all of your guidance.

Thank you God/Shiva/Poseidon/Cuernunnos

Thank you Goddess/Kali/Gaea/Brighid

 

Must keep dreaming!

Since I have nothing positive to say about my current reality, I’m going to ostrich. Or is it put my head in the clouds? Either way, I’m sure as heck doing everything I can to pretend reality doesn’t exist for as long as it takes to write this. Maybe a while longer.

My grand dreams, even though they still seem so far out of reach, I know they are worthwhile.

I dream of a big spacious dome home, indestructible and energy efficient, safe and comfortable for my big chosen extended family. Next to a dome greenhouse big enough to feed us year round, and even have some leftover to share with those that need it.

That big family, I’ve been unable to stop contemplating since the boy and the possibility of his wife entered my awareness nearly 2 years ago. It doesn’t help that the universe is feeding those thoughts with thousands of references to him and related things, which I know mean something, just not what.

For instance this picture:

I encountered this at one of the Sprouts stores we frequent. The elephants were a broken incence holder, I’m assuming an employee arranged them with the other elements, but I never did ask. I only knew it was synchronicity which I knew meant something for me. The panda, I associate with Anya. The dragon, I associate with my fire baby Ian. That’s 2 of 4 little objects, plus 5 larger elephants. I can’t help but turn that into 5 adults and 4 children, it’s just what my brain wants to do, and I have to be honest, it’s a very happy making thought for me.

Where I get lost in “what if’s” is in the vagueness. I see 2 amorphous kids (the pebbles) and knowing now that I’m pregnant with just one, I’m wondering where the other is. I then think there are 5 elephants while the 2 are still pebbles. Where are the other 3 adults that show up before my current baby is no longer amorphous? The only ones I would accept as family that quickly, seem to have made it clear to me it’s not really a possibility. But that takes a step back in reality. So I’ll dream that things suddenly  change and those I love are suddenly not just available, but willing to take a polyamorous leap with me and Nathan. Maybe that’s what the green reversie card means.

I would love to have that family: 5 adults, 4 kids, in a big comfy dome home, each with their own room. It’d be even more wonderful to have that dome home in Colorado or Oregon or Washington- near mountains, and with enough resources to start building Atira. Now that’s a happy dream.

I dream of lots of things that make me happy. Equality, acceptance, love, peace, and most of all happiness. They are all ideals, but ones I’d  love to see physically manifested in my life. Yet, the key to that is healing my brain. Also another wonderful  dream, and one that actually is in reach. I’m getting there, just not there yet, and I’ve got no idea how much  longer it’ll take. One day maybe soon. It’s nice to think that my brain will work right all the time and I’ll really find happiness.

Circling around to family in domes building Atira; I think how wonderful it would be to have kids learning and growing in nature, yet with the resources to acknowledge it’s a comfortable choice. Reminding them it’s not forced out of necessity, that they could do anything else they wanted. A perfect blending of modern comforts and natural world relaxation. That would be nice too.

I want my kids to know they could have anything, but learn to say I don’t need it.  I think it’s the lesson I’ve been chasing all my life, because I was raised to believe everything I really wanted was just out of reach. Perhaps I’ll really learn it when I’ve healed my brain.

I want my kids to play, and have fun, and still learn the basics for getting through life. Something that’s completely attainable with enough loving attention. 

Beyond that there are thousands of tiny dreams. Like, hopefully having a pond with a canoe and paddle boat,  wanting a small playground/swing-set like many families do. Wanting a hot-tub and nice pool ( although as I’ve said before I know the pool is a pure luxury and fairly low on my list). It’d be nice to have a couple of riding horses (I know Anya would love it). I’d  love to have bunks in the kid’s rooms so they can have friends over regularly. I do want my kids, and family in general to be technologically literate so more than one good computer would be helpful.

 Oh, there so many more, but those seem like the important ones. I have ideas about furniture and storage/organizational space, my ideal kitchen (which other than needing to accommodate lots of people, is otherwise fairly normal), things I’d like to have for ambiance and relaxation, and ideals for cleanliness and upkeep.

The trick here though is convincing myself that these are tangible possibilities, and not just the proverbial wet-dream. I really hope all the visions I’ve had, all the clues I see, are real. That the divine really is doing its best to help me heal and find my way to these dreams. I hesitate in believing not because of a lack of faith, I’ve experienced enough to know, I’ve felt the divine in action. No, I hesitate out of a fear that my brain is now playing different tricks on me, and it’s all false, and eventually I’ll realize all of that, and feel hurt again. My fear is the reason my faith falters, but knowledge is power.

 So now, when I realize I’m feeling that fear, I tell myself the inner truths I do know & believe. My hope is that it is enough for now, that it will get me through and over this hump. That perhaps it’ll help push my cart  over the hill and toward much, much better days. Sending love to those I miss, and hoping for brighter days.

Hurumph.

Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving. I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.

DesperateMEasures

WIN_20170514_193325

I’m sitting in the garden to write this. I struggle today. Again I thought all was well, going great in fact. Yet, today all my triggers hit me. In about 24 hours, I’ve been overwhelmed by money, time, desires vs reality, food (and my lack of ability to stay strict indefinitely), and a strong feeling that I’m not good enough to do what I want and need to do, not to mention that my family needs more from me than I can give and they seem to only care about me when they want something. My messages seem to fall on deaf ears.

Nathan says it’s all in my mind. He says he knows I’m struggling, and that it’s probably from my lapses in diet and sleep. I just don’t seem to know anymore.

Regardless I have done everything I could think of to pull out. Supplements, Thyroid med, good healthy food, gardening, even trying to spend time with Ian (though he didn’t seem to care, maybe that’s just his age talking). I’m basically shut down emotionally, and struggling to open back up. When I am in a work day I do fine, great in fact. Yet, my home days are as hard as ever to stay buoyant. Today I broke down twice, and I have resorted to my break in case of emergency herb, to keep from doing anything drastic. Right now I’m just at my wits end.

So, desperate measures, for me, myself, and I. I’m writing. Maybe if I get the feelings out, and follow it with something positive I can pull my brain out of this suck-tastic nose-dive of depression.


I feel: tired, sad, unsupported, unsafe, like I have no direction…. Like what I had intended to do, what I want to do, is yet again blowing up in my face, and no matter what I try I just can’t win. There are no good options, and the money flow is never great enough to catch up and make progress. Every time I get “enough” money it turns out to not really be enough because we’re always so far behind the 8 ball that it goes far to fast trying to overcompensate for the vacuum of things we need. I’m overwhelmed. I’m feeling like I don’t know whether to believe the messages or not- I’ve done the visualizing, I’m doing my best to have faith, yet I’m in this state again, with no tangible evidence that anything is actually improving.

Nathan pointed out that things are different because I’m in love twice over, that I have to find a new way of doing things. Damned if I know what that is, and “love isn’t a potato”- a  meal on the table or a safe, clean, comfortable home. Bonus I can’t get my daughter to do her chores, I can’t get the shipping container guy to get back to me with price quotes, and we’re burning through our savings trying to accomplish the little goals of life.

Nathan swears that he’ll do this or that, and I see some progress, but again it’s like the financial void, the hole was so deep I wonder if he’ll ever actually catch up and climb out.

I’m stressed, and I feel like I’m begging for a vacation I’ll never get. The summer is already well underway and I have no idea what to do with construction because I could dump another 5 grand just getting the rotten wood under control and new siding and not even touch the insides for another year. So I’m sitting- stalling, hoping the shipping containers would be a viable replacement and cheaper solution, if only he’d send me the damn info. Lost, forgotten, or like I’m the brunt of a cosmic sadistic joke. Like what if I’ve done all of these prayers, all of the visualizations, and God just wants me to continue to sit here poor as dirt, with no water and everything 5 times harder than normal people get. It’d all be for naught. I just don’t know. Feeling disconnected, like all my planning was worthless, but why I just don’t know. I lack clarity, understanding, none of the messages make sense to me right now. I think I know what they are trying to tell me, but how can it be true when I’m stuck in this never ending “Pete and Repeat” cycle. Having trouble trusting my intuition, and feeling like trusting could potentially screw me even worse.

Yep, that about sums it up. I may have missed a couple of feelings, but you get the idea.


Now for what I want…. I just looked up to see a female cardinal sitting on the bean trellis post. Then suddenly 2 male cardinals danced between the garden and trees, one landed on the bird feeder, and one in the tree. Maybe they’re here to tell me I’m headed in the right direction. I certainly hope so….

What I want:

Clarity, Understanding, Evidence, Validation. – I just need a nugget or two to help me stay buoyant. Something to drop out of the heavens and show me for real that there’s someone listening. Something that helps me to know what physical action to take. [Ms. Becky my massage therapist that I trade with tells me that when you feel this confused it is a good time to do nothing. But, if I continue to do nothing I feel like the savings of my tax return and what little else we saved will just continue to dwindle away a little at a time every time an ’emergency’ comes up.— Sorry that’s more of what I feel— focus Treasa.]

What is the next step? What actions do I need to be doing right now? Some divine messages on that, which could be completely clear and blatant in their meaning, would be awesome. Even if I’m waiting on divine intervention, there has to be some level of action steps I can be taking. Something to encourage the process. Right?

So lets shift, focus to those dreams of mine for a moment. This is actually an Abraham-Hicks exercise turned blog post. Lets assume (even though that idea just made me cringe-assumptions can sometimes cause problems) that the divine is about to intercept my dreams with some kind of huge miracle intervention. I do believe there is a god (and goddess), I do believe that some people get those big wonderful miracles, and I do believe that someone, something, or several of each has been listening to me and providing responses (regardless of my ability to interpret). So, if that’s the case my miracle is already on it’s way and I literally just have to hang on (for how long?).

So, acknowledge the message I got last week about letting go so the divine can do it’s work. Essentially, like a 2 year old nagging a parent for something and creating trouble before the parent can provide it, or an old man with dementia nagging the staff about another resident so they can’t actually go deal with the other resident [I had both in the same day]; I need to stop nagging about my woes and what I want, and find some peace and calm so the divine can do it’s job. Supposedly, the way to do that is assume the answer is being prepped and on it’s way, and then just amuse yourself until it manifests. (Ian sit and watch your shows and I’ll get you _____.) Abraham Hicks (via email) suggested spending time visualizing, expressing gratitude, and expressing appreciation.

 

Ok, So I’ve asked for:

Enough money to: not just rescue us, but all our friends and many homeless people- Atira Community. That’s a butt load of money. We’re talking Powerball when it’s hundreds of millions. That would be really nice. I have slowly built up quite the list of people I want to invite to help build Atira (literally give them jobs and homes). Most of them know they are on the list, but I wonder how many believe it is a possibility.

My family’s home as the centerpiece: 3 story Monolithic Dome home with crows nest on top- essentially a small patio on the top of the home. The home would be partially buried like a hobbit dome.

The 3rd floor room (because domes are curved, the usable space would essentially be one big room like a living room) would be the adulting room- no kids allowed. 2nd floor smaller bedrooms for everyone. I really believe that people should have their own room for autonomy, someplace that they can feel at ease and always have their chosen activities available, and it would also create an ability to escape when family life proves too challenging.

I envision that my room would have a small bed, massage table, drawing desk, and standard desk (for computer or painting palate), music corner, and easel. If organized well, I could fit all of that into a standard sized bedroom (10x10ish or variation- domes aren’t square).

In polyamory many families still share a room, and exchange places as desired. That’s why I have always wanted that 3rd floor adulting room. I would totally sacrifice the high ceilings usually offered by dome living, to accomodate 1 shared bedroom for intimacy without sacrificing my alone time and my alone space. [I often wonder if my lack of alone space is why I end up having days like today even when I think things are going great.] Thus, it becomes a priority, I now acknowledge that I like having loving intimacy, but at the same time, I need my retreat, someplace I can go to shut the world out for a bit, even if that means overnight as well.

Beyond that I’d like to see the family dome accommodate several bathrooms- multiple adults and gaggles of kids will necessitate that. It’s like having your extended family around 365 days a year. Most homes are not equipped for that many people all the time, so I want to make sure mine is, kitchen and living room included. Everything would need to be supersized and super organized and efficient to accommodate that. I do plan on inviting grandparents to Atira, but I will offer the choice of being in the family dome or in their own little home (I suspect all the GP’s will choose the latter).

Ideally my home will have a hot-tub as it has proven time and time again as valuable self-care for me. It keeps me going. I’d love to have a pool, but I’m ok with the pool being one of the last things we do after getting the rest of Atira built. The mission of Atira is more important than my desire to swim in my backyard. I will have pretty gardens though as all of Atira will have beautiful lush gardens.

The family dome would need to be smart technologically if for no other reason than to help us communicate and stay on the same page. We’ll have to have a home network and shared calendars and shopping list app. I also envision having roombas and the things that help keep showers and toilets clean. Dishwasher, and a great laundry room with a 2nd floor laundry shoot or dumbwaiter. It may seem stupid to go into that kind of detail, but existing for a decade without them, all while knowing those things would save lots of time and heartache, I can’t help but include them in the description of what I want.  All would be run by wind, solar, well water, and septic system. The point of our house would be to help create an easy to maintain environment that is energy efficient and kind on the environment, yet can accommodate a dozen or more people (depending on several factors that number might need adjusted).

Nathan wants a home theater (I’m not attached, and it may fall like the pool-after everything else). And there might be other accommodations based upon other family members preferences. These are merely the things I have contemplated over the years being poly-amorous and wanting to build this home and community.

I want calm, serene, organized, plenty of very adjustable and customize-able storage places, colorful (the whole rainbow in a very designer kind of way), modern, clean lines, shiny, new, good functioning, easy to maintain, comfortable, cozy, unique, with cat-walks and other pet friendly amenities (dog/cat doors, and pet-run outside). I like tile floors for durability and ease of maintenance, but woods floors are ok too. Area rugs for bedsides and bathrooms.

& the people in my life: I want good communication, cooperation, sharing-both in chores/duties and fun, caring, listening, helpfulness, affection, efficiency, openness, trusting, truthfulness, honesty, more tact (though I’m probably the one that needs the most work there), good discussions, intelligent choices, thoughtfulness. Balanced interactions, and able to work through conflicts when they arise (no family escapes conflict, and the more people in the family the more likely it is).  Everyone responsible for themselves (or their babies)- even older kids should learn to be responsible for their own rooms, belongings, and laundry. I imagine that family meals will function like co-operative houses, where main meals are planned and prepped cooperatively, and people take turns being in charge of that (the E-calendars will help with that).

“Can’t we all just get along?” I know these things are possible. I’ve seen poly families that figured it out for the most part. I just hope that my life can manifest it.

I can’t guarantee that I would suddenly have no more bad days with all of these things in my life, but I like to hope so. These things would essentially eliminate all of the things that are currently bugging me and bringing me down, eliminate all my triggers. If you solve all of the problems, it provides relief. It doesn’t mean there wont then be other problems to figure out later. There likely would end up being something else, probably several other somethings, but then again there would be more brains to brainstorm possible solutions, and more resources to throw at the solutions. So, even though “problems” are inevitable, the external factors of finances, understanding, and action would all be easier. That’s why I not only believe in polyamory, I love polyamory. More love also equals more support in every way. It helps with that love not being a potato thing: not so much in making love into a potato; but in that your multiple loves can help you find more potatoes, and then help cook those potatoes up into a scrumptious meal, and help serve that meal up to everyone present. Caring is sharing and sharing is caring. Loving more can literally create more abundance for everyone involved. I’ve seen it work for others and I look forward to it working in my life. I welcome my future poly-extended-family.



So, now I’ve given yet another glimpse of Atira. A more personal view of Atira. If the universe were only to give me enough of the money to buy land and build my home, I would still proceed with building Atira, it would just take longer. That being said the home is the most important for me, because that is the foundation, the root of why Atira is so important. My adult life has been full of challenges, which created an abundance of desires, and those desires are what created the idea of Atira Community as a whole. Just getting the house would essentially be the start of more hard work to make all of Atira an eventual reality. Once the root grows eventually there will be a beautiful plant overshadowing those original roots. Atira will be the same way. I could turn land and a house into the whole concept, it might just take me a couple of more decades to do so. Lets hope though that my miracle bypasses the decades. The sooner I accomplish the construction, the faster I can help lots of people.


Ok, so this ended up being a really long blog post. Apologies on that, but it has helped. I feel like I finally got some of the negatives out of me. (There’s a few still trying to fester.) And because I was intent on organizing my thoughts of what I want into a somewhat coherent readable blog, I really did focus well on the good things. I feel like I managed to shift my vibration a bit. There’s probably still some dietary remnants causing problems (why I didn’t completely shift), but at least the mental side, the basics were covered. I’m not as far down, I’ve stabilized. I foresee more salmon and supplements in my near future to get the rest. But at least I’m headed back up- mostly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Thank you for giving my thoughts some time. Thank you for your kindness, and prayers are always welcome in whatever way you prefer. I really do appreciate that people from all over the world are reading my writings and giving energy to what I’m attempting to do. Even if people don’t necessarily agree with everything that I believe, I’m certain there are few that would belittle my dreams of helping others. I think most everyone would be on board with helping our society grow and showing caring to those that need it, and any positive thoughts or energy in that direction is only helpful. I hope that one day I will get to write many blog posts about that process unfolding and get to show what good things can be done with a lot of hard work and some divine intervention.

I am appreciative of my loving caring husband Nathan, he really does do a lot for me and tries very hard to support me in many ways. I am appreciative of my kind and supportive friends. I am appreciative of all of the kind words that have been expressed to me this year. I am very appreciative of being in love twice over- that is such an amazing wonderful feeling- I like to sit with the feeling when I’m in a good place, it amplifies everything wonderful. I am appreciative of the small miracles in my life- may the messages keep flowing and may I eventually understand them all. I am appreciative that there are spirits keeping watch over me, be they dearly departed or angels or both….  I am appreciative that people find my words worthwhile and that there may be many that find solace in my journey- may my words continue to help others. I am appreciative that I continue to win the battle and wake every day with 2 functioning hard working hands- able to keep helping myself, my family, and my clients. I am appreciative that I am intelligent and determined and that I have an amazing ability to endure- I am strong in every sense of the word. I am appreciative that my loving husband sees these things even when I’m low and does his best to help me in every way he can. I’m appreciative for my loving children and furry friends. I’m appreciative of this beautiful garden I sit in to write. I am very, very appreciative that I’ve raised my vibration out of desperation. Here’s to being able to give back- CHEERS!