Tag Archives: possibilities

My Polyamory

I have intentionally not written much on this topic because about a year ago I went and posted a bunch of links and good info from other sites. There are so many aspects to look at and perspectives to consider that it is all just too much for me to even attempt.

However, Nathan suggested that I write at least once on my experiences and opinions on the matter. So, I’m taking his advice.

First and foremost Polyamory is many loves, a plural relationship based in a foundation of love.

From the view of a successful balanced poly family, I’ve not had much luck, at least in maintaining such a plural commitment. However, I have had lots of fine tuning and reevaluating, which Abraham says is always a good thing. I’m going to agree.

Nathan and I used to be, what gets labeled “Unicorn Hunters” by more forceful poly opinions. We were ‘significant-others’ seeking a single bisexual female to balance my bisexuality. After several failed attempts to find our good fit, we relaxed into accepting that our perfect woman might come attached to another person. It might also happen that we find several people to meet both mine and Nathan’s needs and desires.

Our hesitation with accepting the concept of multiples, initially was brought on mainly by fearful thoughts of: how do you get multiple adults on the same page and keep them in agreement and in cooperation. Especially regarding children in the family, rules of behavior, setting expectations, and even logistics of cleaning and cooking. However, at this point in our marriage we have come to the conclusion that those are challenges any relationship faces regardless if there are 2 or 12 people. We also now have lots of experience dealing with each other and multiple attempts at significant-other additions. We’ve also come to conclusions that some things are easier if approached like companies handle staffing: creating schedules and assignments of tasks, which can always be adjusted and changed as needed.

So at this point we’re much more open to alternate options and arrangements for our family structure, and have a better grasp of the interpersonal needs that entails. Our main goal now is that a variety of needs and desires are met, and that all adults act like adults and remain considerate of the family as a whole when making significant decisions. If those decisions are likely to impact the family in a huge way (move, replace belongings, or decisions regarding educational or medical concerns) then the family should be consulted with a proposal before final decisions are made.

Informed consent is a mainstay of poly whether it’s in regards to sex, reproduction, or any familial life event. Furthermore, informed consent requires a certain level of communication skills. You may have a great idea, but if you can’t make your case well to those involved it’s likely to fall flat.

So those elements have become our biggest priorities.

Beyond that, previous relationships ended due to factors involving but not limited to: personality clashes, instability due to processing previous traumas, and a lack of commitment by one or multiple parties. So we have simplified our request to the Divine that: future partners have their own stuff figured out at least well enough to cause only more minor bumps, previous severe traumas have been healed likewise, and that all parties be willing to commit enough to work through remaining glitches. All relationships have bumps, bruises, and fights, but it’s the severity and willingness to work through them that enable the relationship to last. Everyone coming together to learn and grow and heal, leads to happy long lasting family.

Acceptance of our humanness, and unconditional love allows for infinite growth. To me that means that I might get mad or frustrated with someone, but as long as I can refocus and remember we’re all human and that I do love them, then I can work through the upset to find a solution. That is the place of understanding that I aim for everyone in my family to hold.

There are also factors like honesty, openness, truthfulness, cooperative attitudes, and open mindedness which would be very important.

Finally, I wish to add compromise. A mainstay of finding solutions is learning how to compromise. There is almost always an answer that everyone can live with. It may not be perfect in everyone’s opinion, but gets the job done. Finding those compromises is paramount to maintaining family cohesion, and adults wishing to be in my family need to demonstrate an ability to compromise.

In conclusion, my ideal of Polyamory has evolved over the last 15 years to be less about the fine details and more about overarching qualities that I wish for people to exhibit.

Not to be too cliche, but can’t we all just get along, and all you need is love, would be the more concise mentality.

May you all find your family based in love and acceptance, but which committedly works through compromise to ensure everyone just gets along.

With love, be well. Siva Hir Su.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Hurumph.

Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving. I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.

Love and Bro-mance

I love my husband. Very, very much. Last night I got caught in an illusion of fear.  Fear of losing him.  It was in the midst of a panic attack, which hindsight probably means I can drop my thyroid dose again. I’m testing  that theory today. 

Regardless,  the panic felt real.  It felt concrete.  It felt like impending doom.

Yet the positive side of  that was a strong desire to cling to him and tell him every thing that I love and charish about him.

I explained to him that all of my frustrations & upsets and none of them are enough to want to let go of him. I told him I loved his smile, his beautiful eyes, his strong arms. I loved his desire to right wrongs, his compassion. I love that he is smart and creative.  I love that he is kind,  gentle,  and a good dad.  I love that he is open minded and truly appreciates women. I love that he has stood up for women’s rights and done his best to help change the world. I love that he is passionate about certain things. And above all I love his desire to have  a great big loving family under one roof. I told him ALL the details about why I love him.

I said that I hoped one day we still get our poly family because I rather enjoyed thinking about the possible interactions when I thought we had partner(s) inbound. I told him how I knew there would be good times because he’s so easy going that if another man was in our lives he’d probably end up making such good friends that his bro-mance might overshawdow my loving commitment. 

I told him how I had already imagined that I’d go ask one of them to do something with me & that they would look at each other and say “sorry we already made plans to go do…”. It makes me smile and laugh to think of things like that.

I also thanked him again for being so strong to pull me out of dark places.  I thanked him for being understanding and being good with conflict (I  qualified that with: just work on your skills of verbalizing what’s in your head). I told him about how I figured he would be the best intermediary keeping our family together and talking  to one another.  He’s a good balanced ambassador & mediator. I also found light in his prospective reactions when I would have created some silly conflict because of my stubbornness (which is usually the case); he’d probably laugh at us and walk away to watch from a distance. The comedic possibilities are endless when acknowledging love at being the glue in a family. 

 Ultimately,  I really love my husband and I  hope to one day see all of our dreams come true. So today I focus on that, and him being happy and healthy. I will still think of those bro-mance moments,  but perhaps a little more generalized than when they first came to mind, and maybe there will be another woman too. That would be nice.