Tag Archives: prayers

2 was too much.

I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.


These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.

See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.

My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.

May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Heal first.

I’m a slow writer because of dyslexia and I only have 30min to convey what I need to say. I apologize for any typos in advance.

Om Mani Padme Hum … The jewel in the lotus. Your heart sparkles with the jewel of healing. Love yourself for surviving it all. Love yourself for knowing you did wrong and wanting to make it right. Love yourself for doing your best even when traumatized and fighting disease. Love yourself because you matter to god. Love yourself because that is the way to heal everything, inside and out, top to bottom, and all around. You are special and even when you’ve done something horrible there is always a way to heal and make amends. That is our purpose here to make amends for worngs from as many places as possible, even and especially when it is our own misdeeds. Make it right and love yourself even more for doing so.

Heal the world.

Heal our bodies.

Those that survived deserve healing.

Everyone alive deserves healing in whatever that means.

Heal my mystery person. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, and I know the darkness they carry isn’t theirs. They didn’t deserve it to begin with. They deserve to heal.

Heal my brother, I love him. Our childhood was rough and I wouldn’t have made it through without him. I know we have both hurt each other many times over the years and I hope he forgives me because I know I forgive him. He was traumatized more than I, and he managed to survive and have a family. He deserves healing as much as anyone.

Heal my husband. I love him too. He is my light and my love and has always been there for me when I needed loving support. He deserves to be fully healed.

Heal my mom and dad in whatever way that means. They did their best and I forgave them years ago. I love them. They deserve healing.

Heal the system to actually help people the ways that matter. We need answers and fixes for disease damage. We need treatments that first do no harm, and the system needs to put those treatments first and cover them as much as any treatment. There should also be balance and equality in what is offered and covered, if Viagra can be covered for men than abdominal reconstruction should always be covered for women.

We are alive and breathing in this moment. This is our chance to try again. If we all work together and focus on what is needed then we will overcome.

I have had a week of low backs and hips, everyone that has been on my table has struggled with it in some fashion. Feeling safe and secure and like we can move forward is at the heart of that problem. Heal everyone so that they know it is safe to move on in Whatever that means for them. Heal them so that they know they are supported and secure in themselves.

Heal every ion, every atom, every molecule, every cell and organ of every living being in this world. Anything that isn’t truly alive can be transformed into something helpful. Nothing is created or destroyed, but all can be transformed into their best selves and heal.

I call all the archangels, I call of Christ, I call on Shiva, all the divine beings and great masters from all time. Hear my prayers, hear all of our prayers. We deserve healing and we deserve help and now is the time to do so. We are reaching for you help, let it be so.

May we all know that we are loved and supported by the divine. May we all survive this shift. May we all heal and live better lives. May we all know we are loved and forgiven. May we all see the light and allow for miracles in everything.

Om Shanti

Peace to all in the universe.

Short

This is a short call for help. I am going to do my best to suspend the storyline of my family, because I simply can’t handle the possibility of amplifying anything.

Please see that our current reality is simply the worst of the storm about to pass. Please know we are in healing crisis and need every prayer to get through. All of us, but especially Nathan, and Katherine. I’m on top of my shit and it sucks, but I know I’ll get myself through, so my pleas are to protect my family should I fail.

See us as whole and complete, healed from all of the toxic elements. That our bodies have shed the toxic and healed fully. That all damages have been healed and improved. That we have more than enough help and more than enough resources to get through. Please see us feeling better and better, faster and faster. Please see us enjoying life again. Every positive that I have ever written about, focus there.

While you are at it, see the whole world heal and improve. For even though I know I’m in the midst of the worst, I also know it’s not just me. We all need the relief of healing fully.

May we all feel better and begin to see the calm return after the storm begins to clear. May you know your prayers matter. May you live life fully and enjoy your days mostly.

Cho Ku Rei, Dai Ko Mio, Siva Hir Su

Above all, Om Shanti: Peace BE in everything in the whole universe.

It’s going to be okay.

This statement is for everyone tonight.

I took my cannabis medicine. It helps me heal body and mind, but it also opens my already sensitive energetic awareness even more.

I found out the sister of one of the clinic staff is having really bad health trouble, and I don’t know the details.

I know I want to be there to help support the person I work with in any way I can.

I’m currently tapped out financially, and I already work a lot. So, I’m broadening my umbrella of being of assistance. I gave her a hug to help with tears, but I am doing all the Energetics I know: prayer, Reiki, bioenergetics, holding space, and mantras. The goal is directed at everything being okay for her and her sister and her entire family. I will keep saying those prayers and doing the Energetics every moment I have to spare.

In the process, it caused an inspired thought that you can take with a grain of salt because it could be completely wrong (as follows).

EBV/Mono is called the stress disease because it feeds off of stress and 2 generations didn’t fix it. What if Covid is the newer version? What if Covid is feeding off of stress before it’s a physical manifestation, before organs begin to be starved of nutrients from the physical stress response. What if the reason Covid is causing long term mental effects and things like POTS is because it’s taking our energetic stress patterns and amplifying them.

So, if you’d be the person that might eventually die of a heart attack, you end up with cardiovascular concerns from Covid. If you’re the person that would eventually end up with Alzheimer’s you’re getting the mental problems. If you’re the person that has stress that would manifest as  digestive disorders, then it has gone there.

I thought of Nathan’s kidneys and looked it up. Louise hay references kidneys as being related to shame and failure (pic below), and Traditional Chinese Medicine references kidneys as related to fear. They are overlapping emotions, and I can see how he’d be carrying those emotions.

My thyroid was already struggling from EBV but I was doing my best to fix it. I’m having difficulty continuing that post Covid, because it caused my thyroid to struggle even more. I’m also having other strange moments/symptoms, but no one thing has been severely impacted, but I’ve also spent the last 7 years doing my level best to heal myself in all the ways. Everything has been a work in progress and I’ve devoted as much brain space as possible to realignment. Perhaps my efforts spared me worse fate.

What if all our setbacks are based upon how our vibration was aimed when we caught Covid? It makes even more sense when you apply it to the fact that old people were impacted the worst and young people were impacted the least, and the fact that impoverished people were also hit hard. If the Energetics orientation is really the case, then it should be reversible by dealing with the vibrational alignment in each area. Do the work and heal the damage, it is just that you’ve got less time to do that now because it lept you ahead on your trajectory. It’s not completely irreversible until you’re dead, the least it can do is buy you time, the best it can do is heal you completely and give you your life back.

I’ll take the cue from Abraham Hicks on this one: “It’s all okay, because it’s all I’ve got.” I’m alive and breathing, and the world is still spinning. “As long as I’m breathing, anything is possible”(from my hot pink pocket poem).

Just know that and figure out how to make it fit with every topic of every moment, and voilá- Covid is solved…. After months and months of incessant repeating. Or maybe days and days if you were mildly impacted. Maybe hours if you’re the happy go lucky kids.

Vibrational alignment is always connected with disease, but Covid may have just made it a more direct and speedy connection with faster physical manifestation.

Regardless, it is all okay. Even if we all die the universe will continue to march through time with new creatures in it’s ever expanding nature. The universe will never die.

May you find your healing you seek. May you see how you can be of assistance to others in every moment of your life. May you see how to fix your alignment and with the improved alignment see everything else in your life improve too. May all of our prayers be answered in the best and highest good for all. May you know the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Inching up again. 

I’ll make this post short.

Yesterday sucked.  People suck. I’m ashamed to live and work in a metro where innocent intelligent people are killed by dumbasses carrying guns that can’t tell a criminal from a green-card holder.

I sent well wishes and my concerns to my friends that were probably impacted by the Olathe shooting.  That’s all I could do.

Then I forced myself to start climbing out of my emotional hole. I walked a mile on the treadmill. It’s all my lungs could handle.  I’ll do that again this evening. I feel better,  but having asthma always makes post sick hard. It’s always more difficult for me to breathe after having been sick,  usually for about a week or 2 afterwards.  I’m hoping forcing myself to exercise will help the breathing in addition to my mood. Plus, I keep doing breathing treatments,  at least once a day- it ensures that I avoid pneumonia.

I’m not spectacularly better,  but inching in that direction.

I left for work this morning crying on Nathan’s shoulder,  asking forgiveness.  I told him “please know I love you even when my brain doesn’t work”. I meant it. I do love him and the kids.  Sometimes I care too much,  and that mixed with malfunctioning brain, and hopelessness is a really bad combination. 

He left me to drive away with the solace that he’s slowly seeing the pattern that triggers episodes like that.  He said it’s not reliable yet,  but the pattern is emerging. I hope we’ll both get to where we can stop it before it gets that bad.

I’ll continue to ask the divine for help, with fixing my brain and with providing some incentive – some kind of improvement to want to keep making myself try. 

That’s all I can do for now.  My prayers already include others,  but after the shooting,  I will send many more for other’s sake.

 I really wish that God would grant me the ability to create Atira. I so badly want to provide a real tangible positive ripple in this world. I’m not sure how much  good my prayers,  meditations,  and mantras do, especially considering my constant battle with the negative malfunctions inside my brain.  Atira manifesting would finally show the positive effects in a real tangible way for myself and hundreds,  even thousands, of others. I wish for that. 

But for now I send peace and love and prayers for everyone being lumped in with the handful of terrorists in this world.  I pray for clarity to strike the United States so that everyone could realize that olive skin doesn’t make you a criminal,  and that those “out to get us” are an extreme minority of misguided individuals led by an even tiny-er minority that have managed to create mass hysteria. Every time someone buys into the mass hysteria, the tiny minority of fear mongers wins.

I will not buy into any of it, I have my own brain to fix, and my own life to improve. One tiny step at a time.

Many blessings on this Shivaratri weekend.