I should not have had children. I can’t handle the ones I have. I can’t be a responsible parent because it’s killing me. The stress, the worries, but most of all the knowing that I have passed on the traits I tried so hard to stop. I have perpetuated the damage that my parents wrought on me, especially that of my father. I was not able to stop it and I’m watching my children repeat those bad behaviors. Plus I even passed on the resulting disease. Everything I do only seems to make it worse instead of better. I can’t fix this and I wish I’d never caused it to begin with. I should never have had children. I’m sorry, please forgive me. The universe only made it very difficult to bear children, it didn’t eliminate the possibility. I should have given up before I even started. If I had let myself completely go I’d already be dead and there would have never been a child to begin with. I think that was my biggest mistake, trying to fix something that wasn’t worth the effort. I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Can I go home now? No more battles, no more striving, no more trying, just peace.
These are the deep dark thoughts of my brain that I do my best to ignore. They eat at me anyway. Bonus I know my father thinks them. You see when I get on the wavelength of these thoughts I even start to take him on. Right now my left foot is swollen and I just had a moment where I felt like I was stuck in his failing body. I lost it on my whiney children because of the 3D reality in front of me, but I felt like I was standing looking at my adult sister. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep and never wake up. My brain is trying to calculate the easiest way to ensure that. I had the realization I should have never lived to begin with, and I can’t take back the love I have for my children, but I felt distinctly like they didn’t give a shit about my existence.
See I don’t have to call my father, because every single negative trigger in my universe takes me front and center to his psyche and his current existence. It literally kills me a little every time it happens, and I use every bit of my being to stay away from it as much as possible.
My real, sane, prayer is that it ends very soon. I can and will heal if it ends. I also pray that the divine fixes what I can’t. My beautiful children deserve the same healing and the same disease to stop. I do love them, I don’t wish any of this negative toxicity on them, but they have already been poisoned. I beg the divine to fix what I can’t. For their sake, for their children’s sake, for the world’s sake.
May you never know the agony of living like this. May you never fight tooth and nail to fix generations old damage. May you never be faced with an invisible force that you are powerless to stop. May you never wish death upon yourself. May you find a way to gain control of what is normally under your will. May you find a way to safely manage those horribly damaging things that aren’t. May we all get through these times and clear the other side safely. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.