Tag Archives: pregnancy

3rd Trimester is Kicking My Ass

Well that and life in general. It seems everything has been piling up and I’m beginning to wonder when that improvement I’ve been working so hard to find will actually start manifesting physically. It’s mainly why I’ve not written for over a month, I knew I didn’t have much of anything nice to say and I also was having trouble finding words that would be helpful to anyone.

I’m going to glaze over the life part to get to the something that might be helpful to others.

My birthday party that Nathan and Hannah threw me was great. I got to see and talk to and hang out with people I haven’t seen in ages, and the restaurant they chose made allergy free food for me. It was great. The following day however, I fell off the bottom of the emotional scale. That’s happened a couple of other times of late. I’ve worked too much, slept too little, exercised too little, then when I tried to compensate for the missed exercise, it made matters worse. I missed the sun (and other people), I’ve been stressed to the max, and that’s just the normal stuff. I still haven’t even touched my taxes, and now have an impending deadline. Then Pregnancy threw in an extra curve ball that compounded everything.

Third trimester hit the end of January and problems started with massive hives twice in a row. I immediately thought of my allergies (I originally wrote about here and go into detail here) and acknowledged that I must be hyper hyper sensitive due to 3rd trimester hormones, especially since both bouts were triggered by Thai food. I thought, clean up my diet and all would be well. So much for that….

My midwife has asked me several times if I was ever diagnose with PCOS and I explained that when it was brought up as a possibility it was before HCA/ACA and I was uninsured, so the necessary blood-work and ultrasound were forgone with a “that’s probably your problem” from the doctor. Additionally, later I found the improperly diagnosed thyroid issues, I talked about here (and to a certain extent here).

So, the latest puzzle hitting at the third trimester with the questioning on PCOS from my Midwife got me thinking hard and working effortlessly over the last 2 weeks to find a solution. Yet, sometimes you have to figure it out on your own.

I went back to my most preferred thyroid resource and went digging through the piles of information there. This Page led me realize that I had swung really high on thyroid response and was having many of the symptoms of Hyperthyroid, though not consistently, and fortunately my blood pressure was least affected. I began to wonder how much of my hives was allergies and how much was hyperthyroid. I immediately backed off of anything that was originally intended to help counteract (low) hypothyroid issues. It didn’t immediately fix the anomalous blood sugar spike I was having in the morning in correlation with the racing heart-rate. It also didn’t solve the hives immediately. I continued to itch.

I then questioned some of my choices intended to help with milk supply since that was a trouble area for me with Ian.
My midwife had encouraged me to use progesterone cream because not only was I low on Progesterone in first trimester, but it would help build healthy breast tissue. However, I remembered (and double checked) that progesterone can be used to raise low thyroid function because at one point I used it for that very reason. So I nixed the cream knowing that it would take a week or more to level out and quit altering thyroid function. I also questioned whether or not the 2 supplements I had added right at 3rd trimester were contributing. Mainly because I had added Holy Basil right before the first outbreak of hives, and Goats Rue right before the second outbreak. Both are intended to increase milk production, but it was plausible that the hormone shift induced by the supplements could have contributed to the hyperthyroid swing. So, I decided to nix those as well in hopes that if they played a role, my woes would quickly resolve.

It did begin to help after a couple of days, or so it seemed until I had a couple of more blood sugar spikes. In closely examining my food choices I discovered that I had literally had minuscule amounts of dairy and soy in correlation with the spikes. So, regardless of the severity of the thyroid concerns, I was indeed intensely hyper reactive to my allergies. FRUSTRATING. A double whammy.

So I started looking and found a couple of pages about the play between PCOS, thyroid, and 3rd trimester hormones. Here is one of them.  My frustration then became, OK- I’m not alone with this problem, but this site didn’t give a solution. I know that a regular doctor is going to do 2 things: offer medications, and insist that I not do home birth. However, I have gotten so far without significant issues that I simply couldn’t give up this late in the game. So my quest continued. I looked up things to do for insulin resistance and found this page, which was all things that I had done in the past, and some of them I had been slacking on. Yet another thing to work on.

So for the last week, I’ve done mostly fine, one oops.  However, it has been very, very difficult.

What it looks like:

52 hours of work & some of  every stress reducing technique I know.

SMALL Meals or snacks every 60 to 90 min.

Testing my sugars 8 to 9 times a day to make sure I don’t go too high or too low.

Drinking almost 2 gallons of liquids a day between: water, coconut water, cider-vinegar water, and green tea. Throw in the occasional plain unsweetened almond milk to help not completely hate life.

Daily Supplements Drastically changed: Taking 18 to 20 cinnamon (3-4 of which is right as I wake up), 7 bitter melon (1 at wake up), and 6 to 8 Glucose Optimizer, all for blood sugar control. The upside, the rest of my supplements dropped way off (with the removals for thyroid concerns), down to just my usual amounts of magnesium, fish oil, turmeric, and half of the RDA gummy vits.

MY food menu also drastically changed. So much so, that I cry over it frequently. My safe list is so tiny I’m miserable.:

PLAIN meats, PLAIN nuts, PLAIN veggies, Blueberries (small quantities), Simple salads with literally 2 dressing options (they were the only ones I could find that didn’t have any traces of an allergen), and Real dark chocolate that is low sugar and 100% dairy and soy free (that’s like 3 choices BTW). Garlic, onion, parsley, cilantro, turmeric, and peppercorns seem to be my only safe seasonings. Even a store bought broth based vegetable soup had something in it that I reacted to, and I would have thought it safe based on the looks and conversation with the deli clerk (my guess was maybe traces of either MSG or peppers).

I’m sick of looking at plain everything and it takes me forever to eat a handful of nuts because of my over-exposure. Yet, I’m so close, I must keep trucking.

My biggest hesitation is I told Nathan that after I give birth I’m likely to quit eating. I’m so over food, but according to the one site about PCOS and late pregnancy hormones- it was  implied that if I go off of the diet too soon, I’m likely to end up even worse off. I simply can’t handle that. So, if I get too sick of this protocol by birth, I’m likely to just quit eating and go on an indefinite liquid fast. I really keep hoping that my miracle healing takes place. Beyond that I told Nathan that IF I have any other children, it will be a long, long while away. I need to invest serious time and resources to healing my body before I put myself through this again.

Hopefully I can heal my body enough to reset to at least what I had with Ian, before having another child.

I really wouldn’t even contemplate another child if it weren’t for those damn visions I had with the boy. If he was merely a representative place holder in my visions for someone else, then it explains the inaccuracies, but it means that one more baby is likely in my lifetime. If the visions really were accurate and he’s coming back into my life at some point, then I’ll definitely end up pregnant one more time. Either way, that one more time will not only need to be far, far into the future, but it will also be my last. I can say with certainty that be it damage from things in my life, or genetics, my body was not intended to carry more than 3 children, regardless of how much I might want more. So if I end up with more children it will be by other means. C’est la vie.

Denial, more than a river in Egypt…

Beyond being one of my favorite jokes, I have to find there’s humor in that even for me. My comforting blanket of denial has been uncomfortably yanked from around me.

Like a child shivering from cold, I shiver at the “reality” I’m left with.

I’m pregnant. Blood work confirms suspicions, and it lines up perfectly with the lost twin theory.

 The miscarriage I’d put at 6 weeks due to the size of the small glob of tissue that had been a fetus (knowledge that’s a drawback of being very body aware and nearly equally educated), and that was about 2 weeks ago.

 Blood work puts me at 8 weeks, which means that I did loose one of a multiple pregnancy. I’m sincerely hoping it was indeed one of 2, and not more.

I say this because I was torn over 1 baby, multiples would scare the living daylights out of me. Neither mine nor Nathan’s family has a record of multiples, so I didn’t even register it as a possibility.

That being said, I know the event of conception, and I guess I’m glad that I’m down 1 at the moment, because it could be much worse, or is it better in this instance?! What do I mean? 

That night I had been thinking of the qualities in Nathan that I loved, that I felt reflected his connection to divinity. I felt love so strongly it was wonderful. As things progressed I felt connected to the divine, had mental images of divine archetypes. At one point I literally felt like the divine had overlapped with Nathan. The experience was blissful. More than just orgasmic. I felt the love through my whole being.

I remember thinking afterwards, especially the next morning that it was very different than usual in a most wonderful and divinely influenced way. My brain instantly knew it could be significant, but pulled that comfortable blanket of denial around me.

After the miscarriage I’d hoped that it was solved and that life would straighten out before another one of those special moments happened again.

Yet, it seems that for whatever reason everything is upside down.

Today someone is nagging me from the other side. Like usual I hear & see, but don’t fully understand. I really have to work on that.

There’s only one message that seems to be getting through, and it’s to do my best not to worry. Believe it’ll be all right. 

I may have interpreted previous visions and dreams inaccurately, but the nagging is suggesting to me that I wasn’t completely off. Something in all my intuitive thoughts was accurate, enough that I’m being nagged to hold onto the positive feelings from them.

I’m just not used to this. Before when I got something strongly, I knew it was accurate, and sure enough it always ended up so.

Perhaps this time I’m off because there was so much information and involvement. There were multiple aspects at play, so perhaps that’s what threw me off.

I don’t honestly know. I’m not sure I even trust myself at the moment. I’m not sure I really know anything at the moment.

I just know someone is nagging me to believe and hold onto the love, to know it’ll be alright.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Between boughts of nausea, I’m going to just breathe and believe and say “thank you” over and over, again and again.

I did want another child, just in a safe, comfortable, clean, nice home. So maybe it’s just happening in reverse, and I’m just dense.

Just believe.

Bonus the first prenatal appointment is set for October 4th, because the midwife estimated we’d be able to hear heartbeat by the first week of October. “Ten-four, loud and clear, good buddy.” – I think that’s a quote from some movie or TV show from my childhood, regardless it’s been ringing in my head since the appointment was set.

Just believe and breathe.

Suspicious inner conflict

I suspect I’m pregnant. Not sure, can’t bring myself to find out for sure.

I’ve had stress induced false symptoms before, and I’m hoping that’s what’s happening again.

First, I don’t feel ready for that journey again. It’s a very difficult journey for me with my particular genetic stew and practical desires for birthing. I want another home birth when it’s time because it was such a wonderful loving experience the first time, & the water was the perfect way to go for me.

However, for me that means nearly 10 months of very regimented sleep, eating, and exercise schedule. Meticulous food planning and healthy diet requirements, that most would cringe about. It’s very manageable, but takes a ton of support, and even more diligent efforts on my part.

Those are all things that are already dogging me to begin with. It’d mean likely needing to move back into the city and overhaul my schedule again. Which, if I am pregnant means a tight time frame for accommodating that.

Beyond that, it’s counter to the dream I had about the man, my other love interest. He’s supposed to be dad of baby 2, or so I thought. I’ve always trusted my intuition, and though I’m susceptible to doubt just as any other person, my intuition has never been wrong.

So, if I’m actually pregnant then that intuitive dream is off or inaccurate. That would be a first, and would likely cause me to doubt everything. I’m not up to that challenge either.

So, as much as I look forward to having a child again, sometime in the future. I’m not up to the challenge right now. I’m just not.

So I’m putting off finding out, hoping natural processes kick back in and things resume normal cycles. I’ve given myself 2 weeks to de-stress & work on righting necessary activities to encourage that. If at the end of 2 weeks, still nothing, then I’ll take a test.

If negative, patience with myself.

If positive, no clue. I’m just not ready.

I swear it’s like god waits for me to post blogs sometimes before answering me. Just finished at the gym & between writing my thoughts down & a really good workout, I’m back on track. Definitely NOT pregnant. Whew!

Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.

So in my last post I wrote of a hormone swing causing my blood sugars to be high, no matter what I do. It’s quite literal.

I told a friend that I hadn’t had anything that wasn’t green, chicken or turkey in 3 weeks, and I was eating very small servings of everything.

She laughingly joked greens and foul, or foul greens. Ha ha. If it wasn’t for  the fact that I can’t  stand the sight of a salad right now, I might probably think that was funny.

I have gotten to where I’m certain that I’m eating about 500 calories on an average day, a nibble at a time about every 2 to 3 hours. It really is like when I was pregnant with Ian, but more extreme. The only up side being I’ve lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks.

That being said, acknowledging the pattern similarities and the fact that I know I had a hormone swing at the beginning of this mess, I can’t help but wonder if I am indeed pregnant.

Here’s the thing though, the hormone swing happened exactly 1 week after the only possible event to cause a pregnancy that’s happened since Ian was conceived. Between being careful out of financial reasons, being careful out of health reasons, my lack of sex drive to begin with, and Nathan’s struggle with Heart Diesase medication induced ED- it’s not like we were having careless sex on a regular basis. This was very much the only possible oops that could have led to such an outcome.

Now further more, the oops was on Sept 24th. October 2nd I’m at my midwife’s reunion party where she holds a potluck at a great park with a wonderful playground for all the families she’s helped to come have fun for the afternoon. My midwife Amber jokes: “so are you pregnant yet?” I scowl. She says “What?!”.

I explain I know I’ve had a hormone swing because my neck locked up and I’m fighting dizziness so bad it’s making me nauseous. I explain that it’s worse in the morning, food helps alleviate it, and that it is just like what happened when I got pregnant with Ian. I also tell her that I’ve taken my sugars and they are much higher than they were running the last time I took them (a couple of months prior). I tell her that I’ve been peeing on sticks trying to glean if that is indeed what is going on, and that I have plenty of test strips that are good till late next year- I’d bought a 50 pack online when Jennifer had recommended it for cost effectiveness. Amber laughs. She says: well just keep doing that then and let me know.

1 week later- nothing. I update Amber. We have a short discussion to refresh her memory of Ian’s conception. She says keep testing.

2 weeks- still nothing. She comments that I’m one of those tricky women. She’s not concerned, especially since I’ve already made diet adjustments and I’m on top of things.

3 weeks later- still nothing. She says she can do a blood test if I think I am, but not getting a positive. I respond let’s wait on that (knowing I’m broke and can’t afford it.)

Now I’m at 4 weeks and I’ve still not had a positive pee test, but no regular cycle either. I’ve even gone through 2 packages of EPT tests from the store.

I find myself hoping that stress is what did it. That I’m not really pregnant. I acknowledge that this would be a horrible time to have a child. We’re not financially stable, and our home environment is far from safe and secure. I’ve already been on government assistance, and that is the last thing I want to do again. It is a painful process and a vast majority of people look down on you for needing the help.

With that being said I’ve been in a committed relationship with Nathan for 12 years. 7 of that we have been married. I’m 33 years old and I’ve only produced one biological child (Anya is a step-child). I like to think of myself as being as socially responsible as possible. And socially responsible people don’t willingly produce children they can’t afford to care for.

Now, that being said, if I am pregnant, it was an accident. As a married couple this was the only time in over 2 years that we’d had a mistake. I think that is a pretty good track record.

Regardless, I keep circling back to what the hell am I going to do if I am. I can’t afford car repairs, I’m already spending $650 a month just on my health needs- just to maintain, not necessarily to improve. My current children are on Medicaid, and the only reason Nathan isn’t on Medicare is because Missouri never opted in for the extras on the Healthcare act, and his disability has never gone through.  If Missouri had done the healthcare act additions we would both qualify for adult coverage- we are that poor. Yeah us- not!

Nathan tells people when we really need money for something it’s always there, but I told him this weekend that his statement is a load of manure. I have 3 repairs that I have been sitting on because I don’t have the money, and the car is still running, so I can continue to ignore them for now. And every time something vital does happen, it means we miss out on other things, sometimes for 2 or 3 months afterward. I hate that.

So, then I start thinking about I need to make certain I’m not pregnant. I check into Plan B never having needed to use it before. I discover it has to be used within 72 hours of the offensive sex. Guess that won’t fix this.

Then I start contemplating abortion. Course you have to know you are actually pregnant for that, and it too costs money I don’t have. Bonus: people that are most likely to complain that I am using government assistance are also the people that are most likely to be vocally pro-life and how could you possibly think about terminating a God given pregnancy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

Reality is that IF I had an Ideal Life Situation, I wouldn’t even contemplate abortion. I would be happy to have another child. Being that for years I was so unhealthy I couldn’t even get pregnant. My son stresses me out, but I’ve come to the understanding that it is part of being a parent. All kids stress all parents to some extent. And the happy moments do seem to be worth the stress and difficulties.

But the sad truth is that life sucks, BADLY, and it has caused me some very intense grief and depression lately. I’ve taken my anger out on just about everyone around me, including the kids. I see Ian act out the way I do. He has already learned my negative patterns. I fear that I have already done irreparable damage to his psyche.

So why on earth would I allow another child to be brought into this mess and damaged as well.

Because: Abortion is a no-good-terrible-horrible-low-down-dirty act that no respectable mother would do, RIGHT? But, if I keep the baby, I’d have to re-enroll in government assistance, and would probably end up allowing  my depression, anger, and frustrations to damage that child’s psyche because I have yet to break that pattern within myself. So, if I do that I’m no better either.

All of this leads me to believe that either I am cursed, horribly broken, or God really is just using me as a veritable whipping boy, and maybe all of the above.

I can’t fix this mess, and it just keeps getting worse instead of better.

If you are reading this pray for my family- I’m probably a lost cause.

I don’t honestly know what I’m going to do. If I have an unassisted birth, I won’t have all the costs, but things could maybe go wrong. If I have an abortion, I’ll probably hate myself even more. If I keep the baby and have my midwife back other things will go unpaid and I’ll have to do all of the horribly taxing red-tape to get on assistance again.

Of course this is all assuming that my intuition is right and I’m pregnant. I still have hope that I’m wrong and it’s a stress induced fluke. But I will have to succumb to a blood test soon if I don’t get a positive pee test- which is apparently possible (friend of a friend went 5 months showing negative even after positive healthy ultrasound).

Cross your fingers, say some prayers, send some good juju, do a spell, say some mantras for me- whatever your chosen path, if you ask, the divine might listen where he’s been ignoring me. At this point I’d take a to do list. As in if you do this and this and this, then I’ll solve the rest. Something along those lines would make me jump for joy as right now I feel like I’m lost at the bottom of a deep dark well, with no help or solutions in sight.

‘Nough ramblin’ for now. Good Night Y’all.