Tag Archives: processing

Kidneys

The great
Filter
Removing
What doesn't
Work, perform
Or function
Tries that
Failed
Be gone
Leftovers
Junk unneeded
Cleaned out
Removed
Leaving
Only the
Best choices
To continue
Advancing

One of the
Best bodily
Symbols of
Flowing
One flow
Pumped through
Allowing another
Flow ongoing
Cleansing
Flushing
Outward

Spongy
Beautiful
Supple flesh
Supporting
Entire
Bodily
Systems by
Eliminating
Useless for
Allowing
Greater
A small
Bean
Growing
& Flowing
Universally
Complex More
Working hard
Constantly
Bettering
Everything
It touches
For the
Goodness
Of all
I hope to
Be half as
Amazing
As my
Kidneys
And maybe
By go time
Miraculously
Meditatively
I'll have
Three
2 for me
And one to
Share

~ Treasa Cailleach

May you figure out how to grow new organs. May you understand your own balancing act. May you see your goodness in all the ways it counts most. May you love all the parts of your body, your internal universe, and see how it all works together to support you as a whole. May you know you have the capacity to heal anything and see the results manifest in front of your eyes. May you know you are a divine being. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Image courtesy of: https://clipart.world/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/Kidney-Clipart-Free-Picture.png

Liberating Clearing

I told a client of my current emotional processing of immensely intense stretches releasing deeply held traumas. I said: “It is not for the faint of heart, but that I felt like God was going to smite me if I didn’t do it to the fullest of my ability.”

Between pain, screams of anger at God, intensely deep stretches pushing my own limits, and resulting trauma release responses, especially crying, I feel like I’m making more progress.

My hips are a bit unstable at the moment, and tender doesn’t even begin to describe some of the remnants needing mended. Yet, when I am just sitting I feel more balanced and stable than a week ago.

The process has included many mental image moments that I simply have no idea their true accuracy. The mental images are the closest translation of what my body has been holding.

  • There was an image of a nurse holding me upside down by one ankle (postnatally).
  • There was an image of mom’s belly being so tight from overwork that I was compressed to her spine, in an inability to move fully and properly as a developing baby should.
  • There was a feeling of fear in the midst of a fight, that feeling stirred when an argument hits maximum and you’re afraid of what the other will do.
  • There was a ‘fallen and I can’t get up’ moment where legs felt like they were so tight I simply couldn’t get on my knees and get to standing. (It made me think mom had fallen, but I called her and she’s fine.)
  • There was what I can best call a rebirthing moment. In reality I was born C-section, but I had a fairly clear moment of what it might feel like to be born as my children were, right in the midst of transitioning between hip opening stretches.
  • The neck thing I carry in C1/C2 turned loose as I was working on a spot in my low back. As I was working on releasing the low back L5/SI area, it felt like whiplash had happened at some point. I was wracking my brain for any actual memory of such an event to my lower spine, and all of a sudden clunk in my neck. If the two are truly connected, then the only thing I can place it with is the time I fell on my head off of the end of a slide as a toddler. I’m hoping I released both ends well enough to keep it gone, but have enough experience to know that things are rarely once and done. May I know how to repeat well enough to accomplish full release in as few repeats as possible.
  • There are probably some other moments I’m forgetting, which is likely a good sign.

Anyway, after all of this and more I’m wrapping my brain around elements of pain retention. How our body traps it, not just for us, but for generations. I have been repeating “Heal me and my children as far back as necessary, down to DNA and mitochondria for here, now, through birth and to generations past.”

Then this morning, I was fortunate enough to get a moment of meditation in. I had a strong awareness that I am going to be able to walk away from something soon. In that way that once you really understand something it gets easy. I feel like I’m going to be faced with one of the common topics of my life, for about the last 5 years, and that I’m going to be able to say no easily. The same way that women that have truly worked through abuse can recognize it much faster and refuse it before anything comes of it. It only sort of confused me.

Abraham swears there are no tests and that God isn’t out to get us or punish us. Jesus was fond of similar sentiments.

Yet, there is that momentum thing, when something has been rolling a really long time it takes on a life of it’s own. Some event has to stop that momentum, and sometimes it is simply the measure of knowing ones’ own strength to stop it oneself. Being able to face it one last time and say “nope, not today”, but actually stopping it dead in it’s tracks, not just diverting it. Diversions only slow the momentum, it’ll just keep rolling and eventually cross your path again. No, one must be strong enough to fully and completely stop the ball or assume the impact.

My awareness this morning helps me know that I am strong enough to stop it myself and stay standing. I am not certain which topic it is in regards to, or the details, but I am much more confident in my capabilities to handle whatever it is, and take the higher ground.

May we all have life affirming moments and an awareness of our capabilities. May we all see ourselves as strong enough to stop something with momentum. May we know we are on the right track and heading in the right direction. May we understand our strengths and use those to lift our weaknesses up. May we all process traumas so that we can be more functional, healthy, and help our children heal to stop the parade of generational trauma. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Withdrawn Again

I’ve set my site to private for now, so if you’re reading this in present tense, it means you care enough to have reached out on some level. I thank you deeply from my heart.

For those that may read this way later, if I reopen my blog, I wish you only blessings. I needed space and felt too much scrutiny to stay public for now. Writing is my way to process my world and it helps me reach for better. Sometimes I feel like others miss that point, and judgments are passed improperly. I needed to process without scrutiny for a change.

I have had moments that are hard to put into words because they involve the unseen. I’m getting information, but not enough to matter. One of my duo is hurting and I feel it. The other seems to be trying to be supportive, but I don’t understand what I feel and why, and neither will reach out to me and tell the truth. I have reached out several times to the one which I think I feel as being the supportive one, without success, and feel like they must think I am crazy. I also wonder if I am crazy or becoming a stalker, I had thoughts about trying to go overseas and find them, but I don’t know enough truth to even make that attempt. I would be the crazy person wandering the streets going up to complete strangers trying to ask them questions based on half truths and unknowns, and that’s assuming I could navigate language barriers. I don’t want to be that person, so I am trying yet again in vain to disconnect.

Then the american guy. There’s been thoughts and feelings there too, but that seem to be falling flat. I had a discussion about one of my hopes with another person, and their perspective left me wondering what the hell I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve got it all wrong and there isn’t any hope. Again, I can’t fix the problem, because it is bigger than anyone lets on. Solutions could be found if I and others were respected and we all came together, but at the moment I feel like it would be better to just walk away quietly.

Pile on top of that my father. I suspected that he has been digitally stalking me, and this week I had validation, a couple of times over. With him too I wish no malice, but his negativity is a thick lead blanket threatening to drag me down and drown me. I know I can not get through to him to create the understanding needed to change that, I’ve tried several times over. I’m fairly certain that he is the one that keeps creating the energetic ripple of ‘Nathan needs to go’. He simply refuses to even try to get to know my husband, my love, my reason to keep going. Sadly it is probably based on some old long standing grudge over being replaced by a black person years ago. What he fails to see is that the companies that replaced him with a black person, did so because they could get an equally or more skilled person at half the cost. It was okay for the company as a cost saver, but disrespected the black person’s value. Beyond that if my father had been offered the job at what they gave the black people he would have been offended by being under valued by the company, but doesn’t see that is what they did to the person they actually hired. So it’s ludicrous to hold the grudge in the first place, but it causes him to think the worst of all black people, even my husband. Two children later, he still wants me to leave my love, and won’t even acknowledge that I do indeed love Nathan. I simply can not stand for that, so I’ve gone private.

This lesson I am struggling with. I love these people with all my heart, but they are hurting me energetically and emotionally, and disrespecting me. They don’t understand that refusing to see all of who I am and what I care about, is that which hurts me. I don’t want to be hurt by their negativity- I know I deserve better, but I do care about them, my compassion is allowing me to be trampled. I am allowing myself to be hurt by their actions and their state of being. I don’t know yet, how to prevent their negativity from hurting me. I just know there is a way to still love them and not be hurt by their actions and vibrations. One day I will figure it out and it will no longer matter.

Yet it has given me another moment of understanding how God must feel at times. God wants to love us all, and wants us to love each other, but we are so busy picking at each other and being so selfish that we hurt each other. I know God loves us all based on our core spirit, even someone as horrible as Trump. That man is so busy hurting other humans that I know God must be very sad over the way he is treating other people. Additionally, I find myself hating him for all the hurtful actions he has done, but God wants us to find love and compassion for all, not just some. We are intended to be lifting each other up and celebrating love and positive actions, but we are too busy picking at each other to care. Our picking, hurtful actions and hate of others: they all hurts ourselves, because they cut our connection to God.

This moment has been amplified over the horrible storm that hit the Midwest this week. It affected much of my family, as several of them live in Iowa in the path of the storm. Yet very little has made the news about it. When Nathan and I went looking, after having talked to my mom, we found a few articles with pictures from just a couple of towns. Yet this storm has been called an inland hurricane and decimated hundreds of miles of land across 4 states, and millions of acres of crops were ruined. It was worse damage than caused by the 2008 Floods to hit Iowa. In recent history Joplin Missouri was decimated by a huge tornado and the country rushed to the rescue, those same 2008 floods also had the country rush to the rescue. We have rescued so many areas from such horrible things, but right now the country and the world are so busy arguing over politics, masks, and Covid that this massive horrible event is going ignored. My mom said it could be another week or two even until her area gets power back, and the flattened substation that services her home serves most of a two county area. People are running out of perishable foods, fuel, and there is no electrical service and thus anything impacted by loss of electricity. There are hundreds of thousands of people without power across 4 states and in several major cities, but the death toll is not astronomical, so hey lets not care or anything.

Except that death is not the only cause of suffering, neither is disease. Yet, this suffering of hundreds of thousands of people is fixable in short order if we came together and even acknowledged it. Just like Joplin, Puerto Rico, Wildfires, and the 2008 Floods: we could bring quick solutions if we cared. God wants us to see the quick solutions and do them, God wants us to help each other, God wants us to set aside differences &/or fears and help each other in every way, not just some ways for some people.

But I am one singular confused person, trying to sort out my own puzzle, and figure out how to prevent allowing people I care about to hurt me. The best I can do is go get my mom for a visit and spare her from sitting in the dark alone for days on end. I might also be able to bring her neighbors a bit of something to help them get through. Beyond that I have no idea what to do because there doesn’t seem to be any official system for helping in a broader sort of way. It’s saddening.

I know I am here in this world to help others and do my best to bring the light. Sometimes that seems to be extra difficult. Sometimes, I simply have to try and find my way back to the light myself. You can’t give light if you are having trouble seeing it yourself.

I am valuable, I am worthy. I deserve love and respect and truthful apologies. I am a good person and I am doing my best. I deserve to have others see that and acknowledge my improvement. Yet, I deserve to see my own improvement and my own progress and I deserve to have things I desire without penalty. I deserve the ability to overcome suffering, especially because of things outside of my control. I deserve to feel more at peace, and I deserve to be able to love others without being hurt. I deserve better understanding and higher vibrations. I deserve to be accepted as I am, for who I am, wholly and completely and find full healing for my brain and my body. I deserve for those that I love to come together and love each other and support each other, because that is what is right for humanity, but also simply because I love them. If God loves them and I love them, then they are worth others loving as well. They all have value in one way or another, I want for humanity to start seeing the value, the love, the good, and the reasons to come together. I deserve to enjoy life and see the good more.

May you see the good and enjoy life. May you understand life’s lessons. May you find ways to support God and humanity. May you focus on uplifting the world and being there for fellow humans. May you accept the good in others and work on finding common ground. May you accept others simply because someone you know loves them. May you see everyone’s value. May you want to get to know others. May you find ways to drop the negatives and allow God’s goodness in your life. May you reach for feeling better and helping the world.

Siva Hir Su.

Abbreviated NLP

After last night’s purge, I still feel raw emotionally, but somehow the other memories have seemed to become more distant all on their own.

There’s memories of my brother and I being told we were fat and lazy and good for nothing. Memories of being told that my brother and I would never amount to anything. A strong memory where I was being bullied at school and my father’s response to my mom was that I was just being a whiney bitch and needed to suck it up.

Memories of discussions about puberty not being on time, mom’s concern was there was something wrong medically, and dad said that I was just too fat and just needed to loose weight. At that time I was maybe only 30 or 40 pounds over average weight and it was a huge blow to my confidence. That really started the I’m fat and ugly self hate. Little did they know I had already dealt with the molestation 5 years prior and had begun to internalize that experience. The emotional damage from all of it, if dealt with then, could have healed and I might have lost that 30 pounds and found normal. As it is, dad’s comments and the lack of true assistance compounded matters and I spiraled into thyroid dysfunction that took another 15 years to even properly diagnose. Add another 6 years of my journey aiming to find real healing, and that takes you to my now, not perfect but better than 6 years ago.

All of these memories reflect my biggest fear: that of being like my father. I have had just enough moments that were similar to my father, that I am scared shitless of ending up like him and traumatizing my children. It is pushing me to do better, try harder, work on myself even more and use all the tools to manage my emotions better.

My NLP message to myself is:

You are a beautiful woman on an incredibly hard journey. I am sorry that you wanted love from others when they simply could not do that, and in fact they could only see the worst response possible. They are off the hook. They will eventually have to take responsibility for their actions, but that is no bearing on your beautiful spirit. I love you. You are worth love, kindness, and respect.

You are amazing. You are strong, far stronger than many women or men. You are healthy and you are finding your way to healing. You will stop this karmic cycle because you can see the problem and have already found some solutions. You are not stopping an empty Prius on dry roads that can stop on a dime. No, you are stopping a karmic freight train, fully loaded with intense emotional baggage, on rails covered in God’s tears. It is going to take a while but can be done. You will do it.

You will master your emotions and find true whole body and whole spirit healing, and you will show your children how to do it too. You are far kinder than your father could even try to be. Your few mistakes are just that and everyone forgives genuine mistakes, so I forgive you too. You are worth respect, you are worth being heard and understood. You have found so many solutions all on your own, that you are winning the war. You and your connection to the divine is all it takes, that is what is guiding you through this journey. You are your own Joan of Arc, and that is the biggest blessing of all.

No one can do this journey for you, and you are the only one that chose this journey. Before even being born you wanted this extremely difficult challenge because you felt you could handle it and come out the other side a far better person. So far, you are accurate. This journey has made you stronger, kinder, more compassionate, more caring. You give people assistance even when they have not earned it or made any action to right their own wrongs. You see the deeper spirit of others and want so much for them to find their way to better. You want them to reconnect and be better. You want to help God even when they don’t want to help themselves.

Your strength is not just mental and emotional, it is physical too. You have taken many steps to better yourself and you are doing it. You are healing your body. Soon people will look at you in disbelief, because what they will see is a person so beautiful it will be hard to believe you ever lived through any of that. You will simply radiate health and love and compassion. The Mother Teresa of your childhood that helped so many, is within you and slowly working it’s way to the surface. You can and will do it. God is rooting for you.

You have protected your family in so many ways, but even more you protected your brothers growing up when you were just a little girl. Simply by being you, carrying the light of innocence, you prevented worse things you didn’t even know about. Your determination to be a better person led you to protect your husband and his daughter when life went wrong. You even aimed to protect your father from himself and the medical system he failed to prepare for, you want and still do want him to have whatever he wants. You have done so much for your little world that you deserve good things. Let God give you the good in life. I love you and you deserve so much more.

You are loved. You have a kind and loving husband and God is now felt even when wading through other’s difficult muck. Your kids forgive you for your mistakes, they love you too. You are doing great and the love you already have is enough, but there will eventually be even more.

You deserve to have nice things, and it does not make or break other people if you do. You can have things you want and if someone else gets upset over it, it is their own internal problem. You have done so much and overcome so many things that you deserve every reward that you desire. You are a good person and good people deserve to have nice things and go fun places. Good people deserve to travel and see and learn and experience it all. You have every right to have a wonderful life and full health. You deserve happiness and joy in all aspects of your life. Let God show you the way and know you are loved more than any one person could ever manage. I love you.


May you see your traumas dissapate and even disappear. May you see your full worth. May you love and respect yourself in your entirety. May you release others from any of that responsibility. May you know that God supports you and wants better for you. May you find a way to allow all the good to flow into your life. May you know you are loved wholley and completely.

Siva Hir Su