Dad is gone. “Kicked him out” of my house and my body.
Not really: it was the most polite goodbye I could muster, but definitely down right cordial compared to many of his moments.
I did follow good-byes with lots of sage-smudging, a few mantras, a celebratory drink and treat.
My house now feels like my home again. Much more relaxing, much more peaceful and buoyant, save for two energy filled toddlers’ chaos.
And my body: Thank the Gods!
I now feel like me again. The heavy cloak of negativity has lifted. The quicksand of energetic muck has cleared. I no longer feel like I am struggling to overcome an army of demons. I killed the army of demons. I now know I can hold my own. I made it through the hardest part.
I am strong. I am capable. I am caring. I am kind. I am doing so much better, that I was able to survive a negative vortex and my positivity got even stronger.
I am beautiful. I am confident. I am intelligent. I do have valuable qualities. I have knowledge others could benefit from. I am doing it. I matter. My opinions matter. I am supportive. I am successful.
I am open and accepting of everything as helpful to our universe in some way. Sometimes it’s just a great example of what not to do, and an excellent comparison tool to see your own progress.
I have made something of myself and I am worthy of many great things. I have done it on my own, with God’s guardians watching out for me and guiding me.
I am caring for a family, housing them, providing transportation, working to provide all that, earning my way. Yet, on top of all that, I am taking care of myself and healing my body. I am healing! I have more and more proof every day and I’m starting to get excited!
My intense deep-dental-cleaning went well, no cavities despite ignoring dentists for 20 years. What I do works, and my teeth show it. All those cavity pocks when I was 15 have disappeared, my teeth have healed enough.
My thyroid no longer pokes my voicebox at all. I suspect another ultrasound would show the nodules as being gone.
My skin is indeed shrinking and people are starting to notice. I wish it was twice as fast, but at least I know it’s happening. That’s enough for now.
Acné is gone, even when I have a minor oopse. It took a painful weekend of dad’s doing, with 5 “bad” meals to get acne, and a week later it’s already mostly disappeared. My watch and necklaces have finally quit causing contact psoriasis, and a little scratch healed 3 times quicker than usual.
My body is literally healing. I withstood my own father and I’m healing. I’m doing so much better. This is relief, this is progress, this is forgiving myself, this is honoring myself.
Right now I am so grateful for my own progress, for my own acknowledgments of self. I’m satisfied over how far I’ve come, and looking forward to seeing the rest of my journey. I am feeling immense relief.
May you have good release moments. May you find not just forgiveness for yourself, but acknowledgement of how for you have grown. May you see and honor God’s guidance. May you know you are love and worthy of anything you desire. May you find ways to help others and make the world a better place. May you be understanding of the growth process and supportive of any steps that help our whole civilization to improve. One drop sends a ripple through an entire ocean. Be a drop of positive change.
I’m still not sure the exact mechanics of it, but late this afternoon I had a WTF moment with myself.
In a nutshell I got stuck on my body image and people that dropped me like a bad habit.
I was doing mostly great. I’ve been battling fatigue for a few days now, but I suspect that is mostly to do with the giant energy-vampire vacuum that is my father. Otherwise, I have managed to maintain everything else and my mood has stayed up since my explosive argument with dad. I’ve even been managing to get power-yoga workouts in the 3 times a week that is supposed to be a good maintenance routine. Yet right in the middle of my last client today my mood tanked.
I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I was mentally running through all of the things I have accomplished and strides I have made for improvement. I was honoring myself.
Then* smack* it hit me. I’m still not what society deems beautiful. I don’t fit the dominant paradigm and it isn’t for a lack of trying.
I do eat like a rabbit and have for the majority of 7 years. My food fails are currently even a fraction of what they were while pregnant and that produced weight loss and healthy babies simultaneously. So why is progress so damn slow now?
Then my brain took the side tangent of why it possibly matters. My brain decided to remind me of the few whom I wanted, that pushed me away. They did not want to choose me.
I couldn’t seem to help it, the two elements felt connected.
In the end. I’m frustrated over slow to non-existent progress. I’m down over body image and wanting the others. I know I shouldn’t care about them, but I still do. I’m feeling a huge “it’s not fair” moment. I work so diligently on improvement, every day doing something to better myself, and that’s in addition to the myriad of things I do for others.
I had a conversation with God last night after my half of a massage trade, asking why they don’t help as much as I need (beyond the obvious of not as good of a therapist as I’m used to). I got the message that I need at least 10% of what I do for others to be for me and God. That is what the intent behind tithing is. Care for that which keeps everything going.
Yet I countered God with I do way more than 10%. I trade 5% of my time. I do self care another 10%, Nathan works on me another 5-10%. I get chiropractic as much as needed, which varies depending on my schedule and everything else. I exercise which helps me increase my strength and decrease problems. I take supplements that cost almost 10% of my income. I eat my super healthy, allergen free, rabbit food so stringently that 6 out of 7 days a week look exactly the same. I meditate daily, and I do multiple other things for health benefits with my remaining spare time (IR treatments, acupuncture, mechanical manipulation, inversion, etc). If you account for every ounce of effort for my health it is way way more than 10% of my work-time/finances.
With all the effort I put in, I am still morbidly obese by all standard measures. I’m only 20 pounds lighter than my father carrying multiple gallons of water weight due to congestive heart failure- so much fluid he can’t reach to wipe his own ass.
Yet I can almost put my knees behind my head, and I can pick up people that weigh as much as I do, even dead weight elderly people. That’s in addition to hours of deep tissue massage. Last week I did over 25 hours of deep tissue, and one of those hours was so deep I had to climb on the table and use my knee for the person to get their desired results.
It is seeming very not fair, and it doesn’t help that I work with people that have it easy- eating all manner of bought prepared foods and smoothies, and still looking like Abercrombie models. I would love to have the acupuncturist’s body, or the chiropractor’s either one.
But my lesson here is to love what I have because it is obvious that I’m not getting out of it any time soon.
I don’t hate my body, it keeps me going, it is strong and flexible most days. I can handle way more than most people physically speaking. I have massive endurance and there are definitely elements of my body I do really like. I love my hair, though right now I could really use a haircut. I love when my skin is tanned, it is so soft and smoothe and the tan makes it seem to glow like when I was pregnant. I love the definition I have in my calves, when I stand on my tip toes you can see the outlines of the muscles. My bones are strong by evidence of only having broken a couple of really small bones in bad accidents (a window falling, a table getting dropped on my foot), like if a bone hadn’t broken I would be wonder woman. I like that my toes and fingers are all in good proportion and in good condition. I never have trouble with athletes foot or plantar fasciitis. I can pick up my kids and carry them for a long time. I can walk miles without trouble. I’m even finally beginning to regain my core strength.
The one thing I want to change CAN, at least technically speaking. I seem to be having a devil of a time allowing it to. Simply put I want my skin to skrink and take those extra pounds away. I watched a Dr Oz episode one time where a lady like me had 40 pounds of skin removed. That is what I need, but I know for certain it is possible without surgery. I just want to figure out how to allow my body to do it, and do it much faster. I’ve read and researched several times over, and I’m already doing everything that helps (exercise, saw palmetto, Hyaluronic Acid, collagen, Infrared treatments, ultrasound treatments). If it helps I’m currently trying to do it as much as possible. Yet months into my stepping up measures, and I have very little to show for it.
The cover photo is stock image from pexels, and as much as I would love to look like that, I’m currently having difficulty believing it is possible.
This is what I looked like after Ian’s birth. It’s the smallest I have been as an adult:
This is an advertisement picture for a swimsuit, but close to what I would love to look like:
I am certain that my body can heal, and I really, really, really want it to. Today’s emotional tank didn’t help, but I know what I want and how to mentally get there. Just more practice is needed. Apparently lots more practice, and letting momentum win this one.
For now I am going to let it go and try to find my happy again. Perhaps more herbs to counter cyclical hormones.
May you have an easier time loving your body. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that others find you beautiful in the best ways. May you know your goals are reachable. May you know you have made progress in all ways. May you know there is a reason why you still care about others, even when they don’t care about you. May you know how to make the best of things that hit hard or sneak up out of seemingly nowhere. May you know that the important people or things will eventually come back around and have lasting meaning. May you know you are on the right track. May you have plenty of energy and endurance to get through.
I’m a little stiff right now, but otherwise feeling better. And the stiff is no surprise because I walked 8994 steps today at work, inside one building, and no treadmill was involved. Just lots of back and forth, over and over again.
My one house call client asked if I was up to returning to giving her massages. I asked her to let me answer in the morning so I can see how stiff pans out overnight. I just know that I have to kneel and bend over a lot to give her a massage. My knee is still bruised, but I can kneel on a foam pad or small pillow and be fine there, but I definitely want my back to be normal before doing any significant bending.
Anyway, I am glad I am generally feeling better and I’m also very glad things are inching towards normal. I’m still certain Kansas City was an area hit long before our government did anything, so I’m betting the numbers of illnesses will be much lower than projected. I’m just happy to see more things open and more people participating in society again.
I’m also glad that my efforts at Thyroid healing are working. I’ve lost a little weight, generally feeling better- energy and emotions wise, inflammation is starting to subside, and even the pressure on my throat and voicebox has backed off. Those are all really good signs. I am hopeful that if I stick to protocols religiously I will have good results at next round of testing and sonogram.
I attempted to start writing my courses today, but didn’t get far. I sat down on my lunch break, and it was cut short by pseudo emergencies with residents. So essentially I started the Word doc and then looked up the formal structure I needed to fulfill. My handwritten notes did not actually get turned into any typed text. It’s a start, some notes and the details on what needs written is still aimed in the right direction.
I did hit a moment of overwhelmed at the end of a crazy day of work and looked at Nathan when he’d arrived to pick me up. I asked seriously if I was insane. He replied “only in the membrane” jokingly referencing the song. When I scowled at him, he said “No, you’re very intelligent with good information to share with the world. It’s a big task but you’re up to it.” I appreciated his real answer much more than the joking one.
All in all, today was a very busy, but very good day, and regardless of my momentary overwhelmed, I got this shit and will kick some intellectual arse.
May you have good busy days. May you find your knowing of being on the right track. May you know what to do and when. May you know you’ve got this, no matter what this is. May you appreciate your own abilities and feel better and better. May you be loved.