Tag Archives: progress

Abraham reminder.

Watch another Abraham video. It’s titled: “Abraham Hicks NO ADS – How to Auto motivate When You Feel Lazy”. I can’t guarantee it’ll stay up long, sometimes links I post disappear pretty quick.

Anyway, it was a reminder that I am efforting a little too much. I kind of knew that, and it was why I said I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions.

I’m having difficulty, and doing my best to pull up. I’m doing all the things, but it is slower going than I want. I’m also having a heck of a time keeping my focus on the things that are going right. When Abraham said to chill out, take a nap, or meditate, my knee jerk reaction was “I AM!!!”. At least as much as possible.

Those moments do help and do work, in the moment. I’m just having difficulty sustaining them in between. For instance, when I worked out today I totally zoned out to the music pumping in my earbuds- so much, that when I went to check a notification on my watch I almost lost my balance doing 4.4 mph at a 4 incline on the treadmill (and yes the numbers were a conscious choice). It was almost really bad, but I caught myself just in time.

Despite my faux pas, I refocused and zoned back into my treadmill workout.

I’m frustrated with myself, with my lack of results, with things not being very close to my desires in many ways. I do feel like I am reaching for impossibilities, and that’s without comparing myself to others. It’s bogging me down.

Here’s the deal. No one chooses to be crazy. And I’m not really crazy, but I do still feel like my brain is not fully functional, because I do frequently have extreme difficulty controlling it. 7 years of practice with many actions to help proper function and encourage healing, and I still have these bouts, periods where making my brain cooperate is like pulling teeth.

It is very frustrating. Especially considering that I was born into imbalance and it got much much worse, long before it started to get better. Born an orange baby from jaundice due to high blood sugars during my mom’s pregnancy, and then dysfunctional family life early on, some of which continued all the way into adulthood. I have literally fought my entire life to stay alive trying to find healthy, trying to find balance, trying to find proper brain function, and trying to convince myself that I even want to live- that life can be enjoyable.

I have gotten this far by my efforts, and after reaching adulthood- with some support from my husband Nathan. No one else got me here. My family sure as hell didn’t, out of all of them there is only two that I feel like even put effort into mental health like I did, and ones of those is my younger brother. Bonus half the time I feel like God even forgot I was trying.

Mental health problems are a modern problem. They were present before the industrial revolution (some very interesting history on that), but they have become much more plentiful since. There are many reasons and also many hypothesis for that, but the acknowledgement of this being a modern era concern is just the same. We diagnose them more frequently and more accurately than once upon a time, and generally people seek treatment more frequently than in history. However, the numbers are still in a generally climbing curve. That implies that what we are doing as a populus is encouraging mental disease and disorders, not actually solving anything.

This really could be said for all disease, we have more diseases to label and diagnose, more symptoms to treat, more avenues to seek symptom treatment, but disease from allopathic medicine is rarely solution/healing oriented.

So sometimes I do get angry at God. I am doing the work. I am reaching for better. I am practicing techniques to allow as much healing as possible. I put forth as much non-resistant effort as I can find time for- all to get my brain to cooperate. Yet, 7 years and it is still a challenge more frequently than I like, and often more difficult than I can handle alone.

Where is my miraculous healing that meditation is supposed to enable?

So I ranted at my divine masculine today. Ultimately, I feel like having been left hanging by the divine has caused all my concerns to be greater, harder, and longer, and I often wonder what the hell I did to deserve it.

Yet I still reach for better as much as possible.

So I told my divine masculine:

If there really is no spoon, then why can’t you just stand here? Why can’t you just give me a hug and tell me it’ll be okay? Why can’t you just acknowledge all the things I desire and remind me that they are worthy goals? Why can’t you honestly tell me how you feel? Why can’t you be lovingly supportive like my husband and help me figure out solutions to make things go more smoothly? Why can’t you just heal my brain so it stops doing this to me? Why can’t you remind me of the moments of feel good knowing which I have had? Why can’t you tell me do this and you’ll get that thing you want? Why can’t you be strong and capable and still caring, gentle, compassionate, and loving? Why can’t you love on me, heal me, and kick anyone’s ass that gets in the way of that? Why can’t you give me helpful advice and do things with me to help speed my progress? Why can you help support me so I can work less and have more time for me and my healing needs? That’s what I want and need from my divine masculine.

It’s been hard long enough, and I’ve done so many things to help, that I feel like I’ve earned that. But maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I just want to be the healthy beautiful venus with my poly family and my Atira community and businesses. I want love and connections and prosperity and a lighter work load and support from my loving poly family. I was supposed to have more than one partner in love and business- combined! I was supposed to have more, and I’ve worked a long time, practicing at aiming at that goal. I know these things are already in my vortex and in full detail and complexities clearly defined. They’re there. I want to allow them here.

It feels like too much to ask and nearly impossible, but I do keep reaching for examples that prove otherwise.

I reach for the Will Smith’s (the actor) of polyamory. I reach for the businesses owned and operated by spouses or significant others. I reach for the clinics that are closer to what I envisioned. I reach for the intentional communities, especially the high dollar complexes like I desire (like when I learned of the Cerner complex being built in Arkansas that has literally everything I want, but in standard modern construction instead of my domes). I reach for the proof of things not being impossible and remind myself as frequently as possible that I am enough. I reach for the knowing that I am strong enough. I am intelligent enough. I am capable enough. I am patient enough. I am kind enough. I am loving enough. I am beautiful enough. I am working hard enough (hell probably too much). I’m giving enough. I’m helpful enough.

I am enough in all the ways.

I know I can do all the pieces of the dream, and what I don’t know how to do myself I know how to learn or find someone that can. I’m just having a hell of a time getting them all together at once, and finding the funding to make it happen and keep it going.

So I’ll focus some more and do my best to stay on the positives. I’ll do all the things over and over again. I’ll make my brain cooperate, and meditate, and do as much as I can to allow. And I’ll keep allowing as much as possible so that my divine masculine actually can start filling in the gaps and hopefully provide my much desired healing so it’s not so hard. I’ve asked enough for 3 lifetimes, now I really do just need to shut the eff up and let it in. Somehow.


May you have stable mental health and clarity. May you be able to maintain focus on the feel good knowing of your inner being. May you allow all of your asking to manifest. May you find your progress to be great wonderful strides towards better and better. May you never plateau on your improvement, but still enjoy your life and your journey. May you know your are enough and can do it. May you fully and deeply, understand and believe, that nothing is impossible. May you believe in your ability to beat the odds. May you know your divine connection(s) love and support you and are doing the best possible to guide you to your desires. May you allow fully for that divine force to accomplish great things for you.

Om Gum Ganpatiye, Om Namo Narayanaya, Om Shanti

For those unfamiliar with mantras, my ending essentially translates as a salutation to the divine to break obstacles, allow for protective flow, and find peace. 3 prayers in one to 3 divine aspects.

Improvement?

I was able to leave work a couple of hours early today. I knew I must take the opportunity to slide in an extra workout. I texted my husband and he decided to go with me.

I changed into my old workout outfit. It’s probably almost a decade old, and the shirt has had paint on it for longer than my 6 year old has been alive. The pants gained a bleached area after moving into our previous home about 2 years ago.

Nathan picked the treadmill, and I chose to do a combo of elliptical and rowing machine. We both did a full 45 min workout, and I did my best to maximize mine (HR, speed, resistance, etc.).

I started with the elliptical set on a big incline to maximize focus on quads and glutes. My quads have been weak and my glutes have been chronically tight; sometimes that’s a sign of weakness, but it’s also potentially just because of the nature of how I stand while working.

Either way, I wanted this workout to help in as many ways as possible. So, I picked my machines based on muscles I wanted to work, and the duration for helping my brain function.

10 min into the elliptical my clothes were bothersome. They are now so baggy that they catch on things. While still in motion I tied a knot in my shirt hem, and pulled my pants up higher and cinched in the drawstring more. I then had to pull my sleeves up as high as possible to get them to stay put.

When I got home I realized they were 18/20W or a 2XL. When I originally bought them I was not quite at my largest and they were comfortably loose. I do remember when I hit my largest they were no longer quite so comfortable and that was one of many signals to acknowledge I needed to fix things. That was over 7 years ago.

Now, I know I wore a fitted size Large scrub top last week that wasn’t quite so tight anymore. I wouldn’t call it spacious or comfy, but it’s not restrictive like it was when I bought it in the frame of mind of being hopeful.

So I’m down from an 18/20W plus size to a solid 14/16 regular, and still shrinking, not quite to a size 12 yet.

This is quite possibly the slowest process I’ve ever noticed, but it is progress. The bathroom scale is still useless registering 217-220 depending on the day, but I’m definitely slowly inching smaller.

I still get frustrated over my tummy because it shows bloating so readily, but I’m definitely smaller. When I stand with proper posture and I’m not bloated, my tummy is smaller than my breasts, the last times that happened was directly after giving birth to my children. It makes me feel good.

This all helps me feel better. The exercise itself, the results, being smaller, feeling better physically, it all helps my mood. This on top of all of my regimen is a big helper, but I’m still inching up.

It’s not taking me weeks or months anymore, but it’s still taking me multiple days to climb out of mental health pits. It is improvement, but I look forward to hours instead. Nay, I look forward to never falling to begin with.

I’m not sure I’m ready to contemplate what that puzzle looks like yet. I’ll get this one down better first.

Anyway, I wanted to share my efforts and the noticable measures of improvement. I will keep plugging away and eventually I will be back up again.

May you have moments of appreciation and validation of your efforts at improvement. May your brain always cooperate with you. May you have stable mental health and a healthy body inside and out. May you know you are doing better and find ways to love yourself for it. May you know you’re loved and supported.

Om Shanti

I didn’t realize.

I don’t know if it was the adjustment to my Om Shanti mantra practice, or if the chaos subsiding was enough to let in messages. All I know is I’ve had one.

I’ve heard of references to “downloads” and I suppose this would fit. For me it’s more like my mind is keenly aware of certain moments or memories and how they fit together. Just like when you are placing puzzle pieces and you have the “AH, That’s where it goes” moment.

I was not aware that I was accomplishing what others would deem impossible or near impossible, but that is the message I got.

I was having a conversation with someone that has had dealings in the drug world and is doing their best to get back to clean living. They were explaining how hard it is to get by in this world, and expressing exasperation over the difficulties. They explained that when they were dealing drugs they were bringing in 5 to 6 grand a month and it was not really enough for their situation, but they also said that their previous acceptable clean job topped out at about 3 grand a month and that was when they were married and had a two income household.
They were essentially explaining how expensive it is to live in America right now and meet the demands of just regular survival.

A long while later, I remembered a conversation with my father where he pointed out that he was making $55/hour when we were kids. I had simply responded that is what I make, but I can’t handle 40 hours a week of hands on time, so I don’t draw the full salary that he did. It’s also why I keep doing other things on the side to supplement my massage income, and thus work constantly.

My “download” showed me that my father was a salaried engineer with benefits, and he couldn’t afford to keep us in a solid safe home, our home was a mobile-home trailer. He could never figure out finances well enough to do many of the things I have done. He had spent a massive amount of money moving our family all over the Midwest chasing the next best job that hardly ever actually was. When he wasn’t spending money on moving us, he developed a porn addiction and racked up thousands of dollars in credit card bills which caused conflict when mom had to try and pay them off more than once.

Then this new conversation, the person is a single person living in the same area that I am. They too can’t make 5 grand go far enough. They are only supporting themselves and still have nothing to show for it. No savings, a repossessed car, and nothing to catch their fall.

Now, I don’t really have anything to catch my fall except myself and God and $250 in stocks. But it’s been enough for a decade, and I’m going to trust it will continue to be enough.

I have however supported an entire family on what I make for 11 years, even though that family has grown. When that journey started I was making less than $25,000/year. I currently make about the same level of income that the ex-drug-dealer was bringing in, topping out at about $5500 on a good month. Yet I have bought a good solid safe home, I have managed to find us a really good second vehicle and keep our first old car running. I keep my kids clothed and the whole family fed. I keep the utilities on and running. I even manage to get basic entertainment and holiday decorations for my family covered, and every once in a while we get to eat out. AND I still offered a room in our home to a woman that needed it, free of charge until she can get her normal back.

Now, I have on several occasions put too much on credit cards, and had to spend awhile paying them down, but I did, and it was never because of an addiction. I have also spent most of my adult life relying on second hand thrift stores for much of our necessities, but I’ve gotten really good at finding the beautiful gems in the sea of well worn and tattered choices. AND I only relied on government assistance the first year after Nathan was diagnosed with his heart stuff.

I have and continue to support myself and 5 other people, on what two others told me was not enough. I have always known that our budget was tight. I have always struggled to try and find a few more dollars here and there, hoping it would enable me to be able to fulfill desires for someone in my family. I have worked as hard as I simply could, to be able to make things better for my family in any way I could figure out.

And mostly I have. Our home is beautiful to me. I love it a lot. It’s not my dream dome, but it is very literally the best home I’ve ever had. I am so very grateful to be able to go there every night and sleep in a comfortable bed, knowing my entire family is safe and comfortable. I am so grateful that it is the safe reprieve for my family, and that they can do all of the things we call a part of life from there. I am grateful that my children are being educated there, and avoiding all of the covid nonsense affecting public education. I am grateful that I have managed to supply TV’s and toys for my family and kids, it keeps them entertained through long days of Covid restrictions and bad weather too.

I am grateful for all of it, and I know that there are certain elements that God did help me with. God guided me to the right choices and when my patience wore thin, I would always get a break or a boost from somewhere. I wish I was able to allow more, I would love for bigger relief and less work, but I am very grateful for what I have managed to allow.

On top of it all, I have slowly chipped at healing myself. Only Nathan by my side to help (worthless doctors only pretending to). Again, I’m not fully there, and wish I could find a way to allow more. BUT, I have still accomplished a lot. When you consider my aforementioned financial hurdles and accomplishments, and then layer on top of that that I have mostly overcome debilitating depression, given birth to two children at home, and slowly rebuilt my body- I really should be congratulating myself more. I know that God has helped me with that too. God has guided me to try supplements or having conversations with people that fill in blanks and answer questions I needed answers to. God had given me the gift of Reiki and some nights it turns on and works for me without any effort. God has helped me find pain relief and enabled me to work in a clinic similar to my dreams, so that I had access to even more tools to improve me health. I’m not an Abercrombie model, I’m not a professional athlete, but I am pretty damn healthy and strong considering the challenges I have faced my entire life. I know I still have a ways to go, but my recent “download” made it clear that I need to appreciate how far I’ve already come.

I have kicked some major ass in both finances and health, and with no one but Nathan supporting me. He did his best too, sometimes that was a bigger challenge for him because of his health journey, but he has stuck by me. Not only has he been there for emotional support, but he has followed my lead and everything that I try to do, he puts equal effort into. If I change my diet, or exercise regimen, he matches suit. If I note something is imbalanced in finances and we’re having trouble keeping up, he helps me figure out how to make the scales balance again. He puts as much effort into everything as I do, and for that I am utterly grateful. I love you Nathan.


May you see your accomplishments. May you understand how far you have come. May you see your value to others. May you see that you are successfully doing your best and setting a good example. May you understand that God is as appreciative of us as we are of the divine. May you find ways to allow even more and even better into your life.

Om Shanti.