Tag Archives: rant

KMA to no one in particular.

These are all the real things that no one wants to hear, but feel spectacular when I acknowledge them.

Go ahead and kill me. We’re all going to end up dead anyway. Every last one of us at some point, it’s inevitable. And I’m not like 99% of the world afraid to die. Hell it’d solve a lot of my problems. I’d never have to work to pay bills again. I’d never have to take responsibility for shit I didn’t cause again. I’d never have to tell people their real problem preventing their own progress, or better yet problems with the systems they buy into. I’d never have to rub on people in futility doing my damnedest to convince them to just fucking relax and let go for once. I’d never have to work and do all the other things too. I’d be free and easy, and I know that is in my vortex. Besides, who fucking wants to stay here anyway? Does anyone actually enjoy life for real? Ever? Everyone and every government wants to spend all day everyday fighting each other and everyone else too, all in a stupid war to see who can convince the most that they are right and powerful. There aren’t fun pleasant things to even talk about anymore, let alone go do without significant discomfort or hassle. It’s covid this, politics that, doctors this, and on and on and on. Everyone missed Thumper’s lesson 40 years ago, a whole lotta not nice going on all the fucking time. So yeah, just fucking kill me and get it over with. I asked for easy, I asked for fun, I asked for better, I reached for all of them, and I’ve got this bullshit that is nothing like what I asked for. Can’t eat anything hardly at all, let alone anything I want. Still fat and ugly, still an assload of problems I can’t fix. Still praying for better daily, still working myself to better vibrations, like this is doing wonders for the way I feel- it feels spectacular. How about I just go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow. That’s the death scenario I know is in my vortex. I’m totally fine with that. I’m over fighting. I’m over hearing complaining about everything in the world. I’m over listening to everyone else’s negative ninies, and having no way to release it without repetition. I’m just over it, every bit of it. This world sucks and I’m totally willing to go. Heaping steaming pile of toxic waste sludge from mankind’s careless stupidity. So much toxicity there is nowhere to turn or run to. My organs are trashed from repeat viral infections and medicine has no fix only costly lifetime treatments for symptoms, which I really don’t even care to try and navigate anymore. I’m over it. I’m over lazy doctors and useless treatments. I’m over trying to come up with money I don’t have. I’m good. You’ve trashed my whole family with repeat diseases. Just let us all go. How about tonight in our sleep we all die. End of story. Sleep. No living again. I’m good with that. Hell it’d end at least our 5 portions of Epstein-Barr/Mono and Covid viruses. Hell the whole world should just let go. You want to end Covid, just let it win. Everyone that hasn’t had it will be the only survivors, and *poof*: no Covid ever again. I’m good with that. I’m a willing sacrifice. Go ahead, make my day, end the suffering for once and for all. I’d have no pain, no stiffness, no headaches, no digestive trouble, no diarrhea or constipation, no loss of energy, no fatigue or exhaustion, no brain failures, no discomfort of any kind. I’d feel better than I’ve ever felt before, because there is no health or lack of it, if you no longer have a body. And no disease or resistance is possible once you’re dead, I’d be my full genius self again. There would be nothing to worry about, no place to be at a certain time, no things I’d have to do. Just done. Financially off the hook for all eternity, if everyone died we’d all be debt free instantly, and there would be no credit agencies or big banks anymore. That actually sounds quite wonderful. I like the sound of that, even knowing that you can’t flow money at all once you’re dead, if that were true Nathan’s ex would have used the afterlife to repay the debts and ripples she caused. And go ahead and give the divine mother back her planet. If we’re all gone then she’d have a much easier time fixing all the shit that we have done. We’ve raped and pillaged and plundered and poisoned everything and everyone until disease has touched everything and everyone. There is no one safe, even our land, our waters and our air, have been poisoned beyond human repair. We will all die eventually because man is too stupid to know when he’s done too much. Man is too stupid to know when to stop. Just fucking stop. The divine mother would have a much welcomed relief if we all just died- now. Do you have any idea how many problems would be solved in one fell swoop by all humans being destroyed. Maybe just maybe it’s the best thing that has ever happened. I simply just ask that for my family, we all go at once, easy peasy, no mess to clean up or financial problems, just 5 burials that the state can manage (maybe- I’m not sure any government can manage anything useful or good anymore). And if everyone was gone all the toxins from all the manufacturing would end because there would be no products to make to sell, because there would be no people to sell to. There would be no fossil fuels to consume because the few people left could survive on the turbines already up and running. And housing, there wouldn’t be enough people to sustain mortgage companies, and there would be billions of empty houses. The few people left could just pick where they want to live, end of story. All of the pollution would suddenly cease. It seems like a great plan to me. Solve everything at once, mass genocide. It’s all good. And it’s not like we’d be missing anything anyway. Once your buffet of choices is all just piles of toxic shit, it leaves humans saying “no, I’m good, I don’t need any more suffering”. Once there’s toxic choices to the left, to the right, front and back and center, one decides none of it is worth it. I had a client tell me “Live in Christ, die in Christ.” They were trying to express peace with death. Well there’s not anyone really living in Christ anymore, so we might as well all die in Christ. This is really seeming like a win+win the more I look at it. We’d all be free, we’d all find relief, even the planet would be able to recover eventually. Sign me up, under one condition, the willing (myself included) get the easiest, quickest, most seamless transition.

I really am good with that.

Besides, no one really wants to hear me either God. I know how you feel. Let’s commiserate on the other side: we’d be demiGod and demiGoddess smushing humans together, and letting the Earth heal.

May you find your least resistant thought. May you see the easiest solution as valid, regardless as to what that is. May you know that you deserve more than pain and suffering for a lifetime. May you know that the divine always knows what is best; it is totally okay to release, let go and let God. May you see that your life made an impact even if it was brief. May you know you did your best in this world. May you forgive yourself and all of humanity for our stupidity. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti


Echo, Echo, Echo….

Last night my husband and I took advantage of a digital doctor appointment to get set-up with Medicinal Cannabis Cards. Only a couple of minutes in, the doctor stated “Insurance and Medicine don’t cover tools that heal.” I heard an echo, and Nathan laughed looking directly at me.

She referenced several tools, which I have been attempting in vain to align myself with the resources to accomplish, for myself and my family. She then proceeded to talk about the different elements of medical cannabis and which bodily systems and functions they affected to enable better functionality. She broke down the different CDB’s and terpenes and even the variations of THC and how they affected the body. I was already familiar with some of the data and information, but she gave charts and graphics that really helped narrow down our particular needs and expand our knowledge. I am very appreciative that we will soon be able to access a much more specific array of cannabis tools to help regain health.

Now if I could just get the resources together to do the I-V Oxygenation therapy and even potentially I-V Nutrient therapy for myself and my family. I don’t know how, but I know I need the universe to really cooperate with me.

See 11 years after Nathan’s original diagnosis, and 10 years since our health journey began (& 7 since I got intensely serious), we are still struggling to show success of any kind, and short resources that could potentially make the difference.

We trusted a system that was intended to be a safety net for both the patient and the medical provider. We were told by the hospital, that Nathan was sick enough that we needed to apply for disability to ensure he got care and the hospital got compensated.

We fought and fought. We gave up briefly, then fought some more.

He is finally classified as disabled, but we only got $560.00 in SSI and not a stitch of disability thus far. The lawyer claimed $150 of that and the hospital still wants us to pay them the $110,000.00 we owe them. His student loan is a mountain of paperwork away from being a headache though, not that anyone cares to help with that either. And his recent new diagnosis of Kidney Failure, a different hospital has offered to do standard dialysis, and they are helping him get set-up with medicaid.

He’s gotten more input from the Acupuncturist at the clinic than his team of medical professionals put together.

I have stated the following, many ways, in many posts, but feel the need to reiterate.

I can only speak for the American medical systems, as that is what I have dealt with for a decade.

There is no safety net if you really need it. There are just a lucky few that manage to squeak past all the hurdles and loopholes to actually get what the system promises.


They want you to stay sick, because if you really can’t pay, eventually the government will one way or another. See that $110,000.00 we owe to KU Med, if we never ever pay, eventually they will completely write it off, and the government will give them concessions on their taxes. They know that. But it will continue to haunt Nathan’s credit report for as many years as they can drag it out. Tell me how that is okay!!!!

Bonus: if you stay sick, they keep making money on treating your symptoms, regardless of how expensive of a process that may be. There is no incentive for them to get you well. Again, how is that okay!!!!

But I am just a disgruntled bitter person wanting my health back from a disease that they could have solved 80 years ago if they had really want to. They don’t want to solve viruses, because they make too damn much money off of them, and doctors toe the line instead of standing up for what is right and healing their patients.

In July of 1946 the World Health Organization or WHO defined health as:

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

Tell me how Covid or Epstein-Barr or any other chronic virus, being allowed to run rampant, is creating health for anyone, especially our entire society. Tell me how shutting down society for a year, causing businesses to close, and people to loose homes and jobs, knowing full well that Western Medicine has no real solution for any virus, is enabling our world to find Health.

The WHO had no problem breaking their own goals of promoting health to try and “STOP” a virus, but they also have no problem enabling insurance companies and medical institutions to keep ignoring the real problems and the potential solutions right under their noses. Because the solutions make less money than the symptom treatments.

I am furious right now, and it has been directed at god more than a couple of times the last couple of weeks. This shit should have stopped 40 years ago, but just keeps being perpetuated by old greedy mostly-white bastards, and the rest of the population just lets it keep happening because they refuse to educate themselves and join forces to make it change. There will be no solution to this mess ever if that doesn’t happen. You can’t find a solution if you never try.

If you just wallow in the problem and throw your hands up in the air as “they said it’s all we have” then that is exactly what you will continue to get.

As for Nathan and I, we are doing our best to move towards our own individual solutions as quickly as possible. It does mean I have been extra extra busy and am now writing less. Please keep us in your prayers that we find all the solutions and resources we need.

May you have the solutions you need. May you know exactly what to do. May you see the falacy of things that will not help you. May you find a way to keep progressing towards better. May things generally start to get easier for you. May you know you have your health under control and stabilized as much as humanly possible. May you always have supportive medical staff. AND above all else, may you know that God loves and supports you, even when it seems otherwise.

Om Shanti


Just because everyone is riled up about Covid does not mean other diseases disappeared.

I just had a really frustrating conversation with my current doctor’s front desk.

I have had a wicked sore throat for a little over 3 days. The point at which eating dinner made it difficult to do anything else, I reached out to the doc after hours by phone.

I explained it is my throat and ears. They hurt really really bad, and the mucous is massive, thick and some color. I have absolutely no other symptoms. No headache except when I try to swallow something- it is definitely reactionary pain in my head. No fever, not even close. No difficulty breathing, and keep in mind I am technically an asthmatic. No chills, no sweats, no body aches.

My symptoms are literally a super painful six inch swath of my body.

Having actually had strep in college, I am painfully aware of the similarities I am experiencing right now. I informed doc of this over the phone and reiterated it has been going for 3 days, and there has been no progression or worsening, but it’s not getting better and I’m having difficulty staying hydrated.

He said ok, I will send in a script for a Z-pack antibiotic and you’ll need to come by the office for a strep swab tomorrow.

Ok, I’m down, seems easy enough.

Then I call the front desk this morning to figure out when I need to do that, and the front desk girl wants to go- it might be covid and we don’t test for that here. I tried to run through all the reasons it might not be covid and strep needs to be treated properly, but she’s so afraid she couldn’t hear me.

There is a serious problem here.

Strep is a bacterial infection that can run for weeks if untreated. It can also do horrible irreparable damage to surrounding tissues and organs, not to mention the very real risk of dehydration and related problems.

Just because you’re afraid of covid, doesn’t mean other diseases disappeared, and if you fail to treat the real disease because it might be covid then you are letting people suffer needlessly.

This isn’t the first such instance I have come across. I have heard of other people that got covid positive tests at first symptoms, but when they failed to get better, doctors finally did further appropriate testing to find out it wasn’t covid to begin with. I have heard of strep, and rhinitis, and others. Leading some to believe that many of the covid tests are coming back positive when it might not have been Covid at all.

The latest is I have a friend (more acquaintance we used to hang out with occasionally). She’s in the hospital for MRSA also known as medicine resistant staphylococcus areolas. The infection progressed so much because of Covid nonsense that since she is now properly diagnosed, they have her on antibiotic drip and doctors are saying she’ll be in the hospital for a couple of weeks maybe longer. MRSA too can kill people and is extremely difficult to overcome when properly diagnose immediately, let alone sidelined because of Covid.

There is something seriously wrong with our medical system right now, and frankly I’m a little pissed that I just got the shuffle because of irrational fear. I haven’t enjoyed the last 3 days, and if they make this drag out forever because they are afraid I might have Covid I’m seriously gonna hurt someone.

See I already know I had a mystery virus before we had testing for Covid. I know that mystery virus fit the precise bill of what covid was. At 3 days I started to feel better and a little over a week I was back to normal. My son fared worse with mystery virus but still lived and got back to normal. Since then I’ve been exposed to at least 3 people with that tested positive shortly after I was around them. I never got sick from them.

And my current problem fits the strep throat bill. Fucking do your job. I shouldn’t have to do it for you. What the fuck am I paying you for.

But that is just me being pissed off I guess. No, no it’s not. Everyone should be pissed off over that. It’s your job to treat the real problem, not slap a questionable test on it because they’re similar and then accept the questionable test results as word of God, even knowing there are many tests both on the false positive and false negative.

I am so over western medicine half assing everything and scaring everyone needlessly. I’m beginning to wonder how many covid deaths were really something else entirely and they were treating the wrong problem. See that’s the biggest issue, when you fuck up so much that people no longer trust you to do the right thing, then you’ve already lost.

As it is, I have my Z-pack and a few days off, whether they do their job right or not. If the Z-pack works and I get back to normal, I’ll just cancel my subscription doctor and find someone else, not that I have much faith in any of them right now. If it doesn’t and they don’t do a strep swab, then I have no clue.

I’m fairly certain that if I did a Covid test it would come back positive whether I have it currently or not.

there are two concerns:

1) Being the frequent false positives of people that have chosen to take the test. Equally as many false negatives make me distrust the test at all.

2) Being that because I am certain I’ve had it, there could still be enough in my system to trigger the positive anyway. New diseases are notorious for your body hitting a stasis where you are no longer sick, but weak virus particles continue to float in your system. Some diseases like Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) have been known to cause thyroid concerns like mine and can hide in your system for years, but no one wants to acknowledge that. We simply have no idea if Covid could be doing that, so some of the false positives might be just that simple, and those people are now sick with something else and not being treated properly.

Here’s the deal, you don’t want to over use antibiotic drugs because that and over use of sanitizer are responsible for MRSA. But covid is viral. So you don’t really do anything for a virus, unless symptoms are severe enough to risk life.

If someone actually is sick because of a bacterial infection it is more hazardous to leave that untreated. We should test for bacterial infections first, then if symptoms might remotely be Covid test for that second. That way if it is bacterial you can solve it and get someone well, but if it isn’t bacterial then you can know for certain what the patient might expect, and in the case of Covid be ready if they are the unlucky few that needs hospitalized.

This nonsense of putting off a strep test because strep symptoms overlap with Covid is horribly wrong and hazardous to everyone’s health. Especially considering that for people that have had strep multiple times, they might need more antibiotics to fight it off. If my one Z-pack doesn’t solve it, and they still refuse to test for strep, they are literally risking creating a super bug. That is bad for everyone.

I’m not opposed to taking the covid test if the strep test returns as negative, but I’ll be damned to assume it’s covid over strep when I know my medical history and experiences.

May you have the intelligent doctors that do their job fully and completely. May you know that you are on the right track. May we all come to our senses and put things back in proper perspective. May you know that you are loved and supported. May you know your body has the ability to heal anything. May you have easy days and be healthy mostly. May you know that God is watching out for you.

Siva Hir Su