Tag Archives: reach for better

The world needs more like my mom.

First I wanted to share a YouTube video that was a good reminder for me. I told a friend the thing I dislike the most of everything going on is the polarization, fighting, and fear that an awful lot of people wish to participate in. This video is a slight twist to things I’ve suspected and suggested myself, but her words are better at conveying it.


Now for my intended topic :

For every failure my dad demonstrated, every trauma incurred by him in my childhood, my mom showed brilliance. In fact she is the one that I credit for keeping me from being completely like my dad, and teaching me better ways to live .

My mom was my protector, as much as she could be. My mom was my support, the kindness in my world. She taught me how to care about others through kindness and her own personal charity workings.

She knew how to apologise, and her biggest faults were apologizing too much and falling prey to dad’s dominance and a general poverty loop.

My memories of mom are exact opposites to the memories of dad. Where dad is mostly negative memories with a smear of positive ones, my mom is mostly positive ones with a smear of negative (and really the few negatives tie back to dad in one way or another).

My mom was the person in our family that was always doing something to help people that were less fortunate.

I remember one Christmas season my mom was worried that we ourselves would not have a holiday celebration of any significance, and knew she needed to rely on K-Mart’s layaway program to even try to provide a holiday. However, she knew someone that was struggling even worse than our family was. Their family had 3 small children and when she went to put our toys on layaway at K-Mart she picked 3 small toys for the other family to include in her layaway purchase. I remember her being worried about timing because the last payment was due right before Christmas, but ultimately she made it work and both our family and theirs had a holiday that year.

Then there was our next-door neighbor when I was about 4 years old. It was an elderly lady that had emphysema from having smoked for her whole life. The lady lived alone and had no close family to help her. She continued to smoke even while using oxygen. My mom promised her that she would come clean her mobile home and make some food for her if she promised not to smoke while her and I were there. The house always smelled strongly of cigarettes and I disliked being there, and often the lady would have a cigarette ready to light as soon as we left. Yet she never actually smoked when we were over, and my mom did continue to help her every week until we had to move away. My mom never charged her anything, only asked she pay for any groceries paid for on her behalf.

My mom was big on helping at Christmas time. She would always find an acquaintance or co-worker that was having a particularly difficult year. Sometimes she would give gifts, sometimes decorations. Occasionally, if we were having a good year she would do both. I remember several years where I helped her pick presents for other little girls. One year she helped a Mexican family she worked with and provided much of their Christmas. They had moved to Iowa City not long before that holiday season and were caring for elderly extended family from Mexico. She provided them a whole array of inexpensive decorations and small gifts for kids and even bought them a turkey. My father was very upset with her because she had helped a Mexican family in such a large way. I have always respected her choice and it always bothered me that my father kept pointing out their race.

Help is help, and anyone struggling to get through life deserves help. Those barely getting by, need the boost of a little holiday cheer sometimes, and kind hearts make the world keep functioning. That is a lesson my father missed, because he would help anyone that was white, even druggies, but not a hard working Mexican family. Charity is not about skin color, but honoring someone’s journey as being more difficult than deserved, and making an attempt to help another’s life be just a bit better than yesterday. Everyone deserves that moment.

My mom was also a nurse that mostly worked in nursing homes. Mostly working evening and 3rd shifts, there were several times that my mom would have to take us to work with her and Dad would pick us up on his way home. Hindsight being what it is, I now wonder if those supposed long shifts were parts of his affairs with other women. Regardless, what I remember on those nights is how mom always got along well with her co-workers and was kind to residents. There was one nursing home I actually enjoyed going to because they had a resident cat. The cat had made friends with mom because she was the only one that was really kind to it. So, when us kids went, we were accepted by the cat as being friendly as well. It would hang out and let me pet it the entire time I was there. The same nursing home also had a huge fish tank, or what seemed huge to me, and I loved watching the fish. But really, I remember my mom rubbing backs and convincing people to take medicine because it was good for them. I remember her patiently explaining to people that she would help them as soon as possible.

Is it any wonder I have spent nearly 8 years working with elderly? Or that I get along with my mom far better than my father?

Despite working mostly nights when I was a kid, my mom still cooked and cleaned and took care of us children during the day. I remember when I was really little trying to pry her eyes open and asking her if she was ready to get up yet. She would just say “a little longer can you watch your shows please”. I would watch all the PBS shows including Bob Ross and another lady painter that did adorable little animal paintings. That’s where I got interested in art. When I would get bored with TV I would pretend. I would play family or school or tea party, or lay in sunbeams with my kitty and daydream that the dust flecks were fairies. My stuffed animals were great friends when my mom was resting from her work shift. Then around lunchtime she would spring into action, make me lunch and start cleaning, laundry and prepping for making dinner. As I got older she would let me help by showing me how to dust or make Kool-aid.

Then eventually I started school, being the youngest for many years, and she actually got a full amount of sleep.

I remember spending holiday time baking a whole array of tasty treats with mom. I ate far too many things right out of the oven, but it was just SOOOO tasty. The best part was knowing that many of her delicious treats were for others. Should would make goodie baskets for friends and co-workers, she would give breads and cookies to neighbors. She baked pies to help other families have good holiday dinners. And it wasn’t just at Christmas. When our zucchinis would ripen she would bake loaves and loaves and give away nearly half of them. At Easter she would bake cookies and muffins and give them away with chocolates. On her birthday she would always make two cakes, one for home and one for work. All year round she would cook goodies and half always went to other people. When I was in highschool a neighbor made pickles and she would trade goodies for pickles. They would combine their leftovers for other neighbors to get some of both.

When times were really tough for my mom in Utah she would drive across state line to buy butter by the car full. She would take the butter to her neighbors and sell it cheaper than the Utah taxed butter but more than she paid. When she wasn’t running butter she hauled manure, because one farmer would pay her to clean out animal stalls and another would pay her for the load as fertilizer for crops.

She made dolls and crocheted doll dresses by hand. She baked for profit and for fund raisers for school. She crocheted blankets for friends with babies and would give them as gifts whenever she could. She made clothes for us kids when she couldn’t afford to buy new ones.

I have always felt terrible because the year bullying started for me, she had made me some very pretty dresses for school. Yet, they were not dresses found in stores, so kids noticed. They teased me for not having store clothes and then I didn’t want to wear the dresses. I knew it hurt my mom’s feelings, but the kids were hurting my feelings. There was no good solution. It was the first time I struggled with a problem like that. I have always wanted to make up for it and felt I never could.

I love my mom and I really appreciate everything she did for us and especially for what she tried to do for us. I know she did her best to keep dad’s anger at bay and protect us when she couldn’t keep it away. I know she had more than a few ingenious moments that kept our family afloat when times were tough and she made dollars go far further than most people manage. She was strong and compassionate and caring on multiple levels. She put her kids first and God second, and was always doing her best to make our lives and the lives of those she knew better. She is a kind human being and that is exactly the kind of person this world needs more of. I aim to be like my mom as much as possible, and hope maybe one-day I’ll figure out a step even slightly better.

I love you mom.


May you always have a kind person in your life. May you see acts of kindness all around you and find ways to do them yourself. May you have loving caring parents and be successful in protecting your children from the hurts of the world. May you forgive yourself and others when hurts seem to multiply or affect those you want to show love. May you know your presence in the world is helping others to have a better experience. May you know you are leaving a positive mark on the world. May you know you are loved and safe.

Siva Hir Su

Everyone’s concerns matter.

So I had a topic come up through Nathan and that is the purpose of this post. However, really quick I first wanted to share a couple small happy dance moments of the last couple days. 1) I took my much needed Epsom salt soak and my tummy now falls completely below water level. It’s a sign I’m finally slimming down even though the scale barely shows anything. 2) I had a massive energetic barrage between my father and clients that threatened to drag me down. I not only was able to clear with Nathan’s help, but then I found my way to climbing the emotional scale and I even had some very intense in-the-vortex honoring-myself moments. The two put together have left me feeling very good today. I hope everyone has those breakthrough moments.

On to the intended topic…

Nathan brought to my attention a Facebook post from a friend. She is essentially upset over anyone that isn’t worried about all the disappearing children and human trafficking. She went OFF over anti-maskers, black lives matter protests, and pretty much any other moment of news that wasn’t her topic. It made me think, and I’m not sure she would like my response, so I decided to write it here.

First, yes children are going missing, and in much larger numbers than previously. Some theorize that it is a nasty conspiracy to depopulate the earth or to hand over humans to aliens. Some simply believe it is because of racism and refugee populations. Some believe it is our government or the 1%’ers trying to experiment on people without getting caught. The biggest problem here is that 1) large quantities of kids have vanished without a trace, and 2) a few kids have escaped from warehouse sized facilities full of kids, and the children are not being handled like border crossing facilities. The escapee descriptions and locations are what have told us that.

It is a problem, and one that many are not aware of. However, that is no reason to get mad at everyone else in your experience.

Getting mad at others over your concern not being dealt with is only contributing to the divisive fighting that is holding the world back. Especially when considering that many people don’t know this information about kids because it is being ignored (some say covered up) by the media. Covid has taken center stage and BLM is a close second.

So, first one should acknowledge that your concerns may not have even crossed another person’s awareness. Secondly, one should note that there are many concerns affecting humanity at this time. Thirdly, one should acknowledge that bringing people together on the same page is the only way to create lasting helpful solution oriented change. Fourthly, one needs to acknowledge it is difficult at best to solve multiple problems large scale at one time. Fifthly, one needs to be aware that we will never truly solve all of the problems: that would cause the universe to cease energetically, but also it is impossible because for every rule, law, or solution to be implemented there will inevitably be someone (or several) that find a way around and continue the problem in new ways. Sixthly, if you only focus on things to be upset over and problems, then you will continue to get things to be upset over. For humanity to solve problems, we must all focus on solutions that have already manifested.

So my response would have been calm the fuck down and figure out a way to orient to solutions as a whole. Covid and black lives matter have been concerns for a while now, and for good reasons. The missing kids are important and need to be returned to their parents, but we are up against a huge battle already before introducing this additional concern. The only way to solve any of these problems is to come together as a whole-humanity and work together towards solutions. We have not been able to do that on anything for a very long time and it is the reason everything keeps dragging on so horribly.

Here’s the deal, the world is full of bad shit including disease, and modern media has selectively shown you the worst of the worst to trigger fear and aggression among people. It is a vicious cycle many people keep buying into.

If you want to choose pandemic, the media shows you Covid and scares the shit out of you, but you’re a 100 times more likely to die of heart disease or cancer than covid. That’s a pandemic that is really scary, especially since both are usually linked more to diet and lifestyle/life-choices than genes.

If you want to choose racism, the media will give you everything related to black lives matter (which they do matter), but largely ignores the continued improper treatment of Mexicans at border control stations, and completely ignores the plight of the Hondurans and other south American refugees. Also, here in the great USA we completely ignore racial or religious problems across the globe (Jews/Hindus vs Islams, Indians vs Pakistanis, etc.) We also still feel the need to discriminate against Chinese and Japanese, especially since Covid gives us a reason to hate China.

If you do indeed choose missing kids as your concern, the media will give you the latest youth to be murdered or show you flyers for Amber alerts, and you’ll always get texts on any local Amber alerts. But, to find out about the hoards of Missing kids you have to go looking for it.

There are many problems we as humanity face: global warming, barrier reef dieing, species reaching extinction, air pollution, corporate greed, manipulation of politicians, lack of access to healthcare, lack of access to education in many parts of the world, lack of access to clean water. There are many more I could list.

To solve any of them, we need to come together and focus. One problem at a time to create change and hopefully find lasting solutions. It is the only way anything will really be solved. Here’s the kicker, if we really did do that in a focused way as a whole mass, solutions would come so quickly that we could solve a large list in no time, even one topic at a time. But the coming together in a very focused way is our biggest hurdle.

Beyond that we really simply must reach for better. If humanity continues fighting with each other and only seeing the negatives, then that will be what we continue to get- negatives and fighting. We will never solve every problem for all time. So, we need to learn to just acknowledge the problems and honor differences with each other, and then reach for the times where even people with differences came together and created positive change. The movements that were led by Martin Luther King, and Ghandi are two such great examples. Those are times in history when people came together in very focused ways and created wonderful miraculous change for the better. We need more of those moments, and reaching for them and focusing on how change was created will help enable more of that.

We must find a way to do this for ourselves and our humanity. It is the only way to keep progressing and shift consciousness in big positive ways. Next time you get upset over something, please remember my observations. Then ask yourself: can you help bring awareness to the problem and help humanity focus on solutions for it or anything else?

May we all find a way to focus on solutions. May we all find a way to accept each other’s differences and focus on common goals. May we all reach for better: days, thoughts, solutions, vibrational alignment, and overall experience. May we all see God’s guidance. May we all reach for solutions to the many significant problems we face as humanity. May we all learn to love and accept each other knowing there will always be negatives, but most of humanity wants the better. May we all see the common ground of desiring safety, security, love, family, community, support, and access to health, education, and clean water. May you see that God really wants us all to live better lives and have many things to look forward to. May you see God wants us all to live happy lives doing what we love and know we are safe. May you understand that God never splits humanity, we are all one people and God loves all of us regardless of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or country of origin.

Siva Hir Su

A WTF moment.

I’m still not sure the exact mechanics of it, but late this afternoon I had a WTF moment with myself.

In a nutshell I got stuck on my body image and people that dropped me like a bad habit.

I was doing mostly great. I’ve been battling fatigue for a few days now, but I suspect that is mostly to do with the giant energy-vampire vacuum that is my father. Otherwise, I have managed to maintain everything else and my mood has stayed up since my explosive argument with dad. I’ve even been managing to get power-yoga workouts in the 3 times a week that is supposed to be a good maintenance routine. Yet right in the middle of my last client today my mood tanked.

I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I was mentally running through all of the things I have accomplished and strides I have made for improvement. I was honoring myself.

Then* smack* it hit me. I’m still not what society deems beautiful. I don’t fit the dominant paradigm and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

I do eat like a rabbit and have for the majority of 7 years. My food fails are currently even a fraction of what they were while pregnant and that produced weight loss and healthy babies simultaneously. So why is progress so damn slow now?

Then my brain took the side tangent of why it possibly matters. My brain decided to remind me of the few whom I wanted, that pushed me away. They did not want to choose me.

I couldn’t seem to help it, the two elements felt connected.

In the end. I’m frustrated over slow to non-existent progress. I’m down over body image and wanting the others. I know I shouldn’t care about them, but I still do. I’m feeling a huge “it’s not fair” moment. I work so diligently on improvement, every day doing something to better myself, and that’s in addition to the myriad of things I do for others.

I had a conversation with God last night after my half of a massage trade, asking why they don’t help as much as I need (beyond the obvious of not as good of a therapist as I’m used to). I got the message that I need at least 10% of what I do for others to be for me and God. That is what the intent behind tithing is. Care for that which keeps everything going.

Yet I countered God with I do way more than 10%. I trade 5% of my time. I do self care another 10%, Nathan works on me another 5-10%. I get chiropractic as much as needed, which varies depending on my schedule and everything else. I exercise which helps me increase my strength and decrease problems. I take supplements that cost almost 10% of my income. I eat my super healthy, allergen free, rabbit food so stringently that 6 out of 7 days a week look exactly the same. I meditate daily, and I do multiple other things for health benefits with my remaining spare time (IR treatments, acupuncture, mechanical manipulation, inversion, etc). If you account for every ounce of effort for my health it is way way more than 10% of my work-time/finances.

With all the effort I put in, I am still morbidly obese by all standard measures. I’m only 20 pounds lighter than my father carrying multiple gallons of water weight due to congestive heart failure- so much fluid he can’t reach to wipe his own ass.

Yet I can almost put my knees behind my head, and I can pick up people that weigh as much as I do, even dead weight elderly people. That’s in addition to hours of deep tissue massage. Last week I did over 25 hours of deep tissue, and one of those hours was so deep I had to climb on the table and use my knee for the person to get their desired results.

It is seeming very not fair, and it doesn’t help that I work with people that have it easy- eating all manner of bought prepared foods and smoothies, and still looking like Abercrombie models. I would love to have the acupuncturist’s body, or the chiropractor’s either one.

But my lesson here is to love what I have because it is obvious that I’m not getting out of it any time soon.

I don’t hate my body, it keeps me going, it is strong and flexible most days. I can handle way more than most people physically speaking. I have massive endurance and there are definitely elements of my body I do really like. I love my hair, though right now I could really use a haircut. I love when my skin is tanned, it is so soft and smoothe and the tan makes it seem to glow like when I was pregnant. I love the definition I have in my calves, when I stand on my tip toes you can see the outlines of the muscles. My bones are strong by evidence of only having broken a couple of really small bones in bad accidents (a window falling, a table getting dropped on my foot), like if a bone hadn’t broken I would be wonder woman. I like that my toes and fingers are all in good proportion and in good condition. I never have trouble with athletes foot or plantar fasciitis. I can pick up my kids and carry them for a long time. I can walk miles without trouble. I’m even finally beginning to regain my core strength.

The one thing I want to change CAN, at least technically speaking. I seem to be having a devil of a time allowing it to. Simply put I want my skin to skrink and take those extra pounds away. I watched a Dr Oz episode one time where a lady like me had 40 pounds of skin removed. That is what I need, but I know for certain it is possible without surgery. I just want to figure out how to allow my body to do it, and do it much faster. I’ve read and researched several times over, and I’m already doing everything that helps (exercise, saw palmetto, Hyaluronic Acid, collagen, Infrared treatments, ultrasound treatments). If it helps I’m currently trying to do it as much as possible. Yet months into my stepping up measures, and I have very little to show for it.

The cover photo is stock image from pexels, and as much as I would love to look like that, I’m currently having difficulty believing it is possible.

This is what I looked like after Ian’s birth. It’s the smallest I have been as an adult:

This is an advertisement picture for a swimsuit, but close to what I would love to look like:

I am certain that my body can heal, and I really, really, really want it to. Today’s emotional tank didn’t help, but I know what I want and how to mentally get there. Just more practice is needed. Apparently lots more practice, and letting momentum win this one.

For now I am going to let it go and try to find my happy again. Perhaps more herbs to counter cyclical hormones.

May you have an easier time loving your body. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that others find you beautiful in the best ways. May you know your goals are reachable. May you know you have made progress in all ways. May you know there is a reason why you still care about others, even when they don’t care about you. May you know how to make the best of things that hit hard or sneak up out of seemingly nowhere. May you know that the important people or things will eventually come back around and have lasting meaning. May you know you are on the right track. May you have plenty of energy and endurance to get through.

Siva Hir Su