I was working on finding my joy, my connection to God. Intrusive thoughts were hampering that, and I got stuck on one.
But because I was headed towards better, I saw them in a whole different light. I thought, if people love their guns so much, why don’t they want to experience them fully?
If you really loved guns, you would want to hold them, caress them, fondle them, kiss them. And if you were really, really in love with guns you would want to experience them as fully as you could. So while you were kissing it, you’d just pull the trigger and it would take you to God instantly. That is the truest fullest expression of experience of the thing called a gun. That would be the ultimate experience of that creation.
Yet, people that swear they love guns can never bring themselves to fully experience it.
You know what I love?
I love art and music and cuddling kitties and seeing my kids smile. I love relaxing in sunshine and playing with my children. I love seeing my husband smile and relax. I love love. I love companionship. I love yoga, comfortable exercise, and being healthy. I love helping others heal and relax and feel better.
Did you know that all of my things take me to God too?
I let myself do them as much as I can, and I experience them in as many ways as possible, and as often as possible. Yet, I’m not sure that any single one of my loves could take me to God as fully as the gun. I’m not sure I could ever find so much joy and pleasure in any one of my desires that I would get to release to God immediately.
Oh, I’ve tried.
I have immersed myself in art so much that a whole day disappears, and I never ate or drank or even needed to go to the bathroom. My mind only registered art.
I have immersed myself in music enough to loose a few hours at a time.
I immersed myself in birthing two children. With my son I barely noticed 12.5 hours had passed. With my daughter I barely noticed 24 hours passed.
I have immersed myself in work at several points in my adult life and looked back to a whole year having passed and saying “where did the time go?”.
But never has one of my loves taken me all the way to God, wholly and completely.
The gun, it’s unique. If you are willing to experience it as fully as it was intended, it’ll take you straight to God.
Maybe we should all make love to the gun.
Or maybe that’s why we’re so damn afraid of it.
We’re afraid of what God would say if we experienced it fully and completely. If that’s the case, why do you love them?
Things that seem questionable to me are not things that I find love and joy in. I have tried things as an adult I knew immediately felt wrong. I have avoided things that didn’t even need tested or tried to feel wrong. My body tells me things it doesn’t love and I walk away from them as best as I’m able, even when it’s inconvenient.
If it feels good and feels better that is what we are supposed to reach for, to the fullest of our ability. No matter what that is. No matter if it is daunting, challenging, inconvenient, or expensive. If it brings joy, go there, fully and completely and it will connect you with God to the fullest of it’s ability. All of this world is creation, and all of it has a place for some reason, experience it as fully as you are able.
Food for thought.
May you know what you truly love, and be able to experience it fully. May your loves take you as close as possible to God. May you know God loves you, and supports everything that you really love.
Last night I used mechanical means to help elevate my mood- mostly herbal/plant based. **(See Below)** Something my father would not have done, no he would have wallowed for days and slept it off not talking to anyone for ages- that or he would have started yelling/screaming over everything.
I am not my father, because I have chosen better. I chose to reach for better and do better no matter what. I choose to make better decisions no matter where I am at, what might have caused it, or why. So, I didn’t withdrawal or yell at anyone, I took my herbal aids and rejoined life.
So, I apologized to God for taking the easy route and used the elevation in mood to reach for the combination of solution for myself. I chose to ignore the cause behind it, because I was certain enough that I already knew the cause. Besides, just because you think you know the cause doesn’t mean you can’t still reach for solution. On the flip side, even if you have no clue what the cause is, you can still reach for the solution. I chose to reach for better, because I know that no matter what the topic is there is always a solution after the fact. It doesn’t matter if it’s disease of any kind, depression, or external stressers and world woes, EVERYTHING has a solution if we choose to reach for it.
So today, I salut the Sun from my office window while I wait for my first client to arrive, knowing that sunshine, a little art therapy, a supplement refill, and some much needed exercise will be large factors in my solution.
This is my new office, I’m still not quite used to it, but I’m getting there.
I have fully moved into it and rearranged a few things several times, including my artwork being reframed. I still stub toes on my rolling stool, and have to stop and think where I put things when I need them, but generally I am starting to settle in.
I do appreciate having more space and an actual desk. It’s already been helpful. I do appreciate having easy access to the ceiling-bar so I don’t hurt myself anymore. I do love the East facing window on sunny mornings. The few cons will dissipate over time, especially once I figure out solutions for them. First is, I really need to find some kind of no-slip stoppers for the table feet, it migrates across the room as I’m working on people. Mildly obnoxious, but relatively easy to fix.
I’m the meantime, I have spent the last 12 to 14 hours reaching for better. At this point my extra herbal boost has worn off, but I’m still reaching. I’m still aiming for good and improvement. I have thought about my beautiful children and my adorable pets. I have appreciated the home which I worked so hard to get.
I have appreciated myself, all the things that I have done and accomplished, despite my angry and bitter father trying to convince me not to. He may have been right about poverty plaguing me for years, but pretty much everything else he got wrong, and it makes me wonder if I gave him too much power on the poverty topic anyway. He was determined that the only way to get through life was follow status quo and do all the things you’re supposed to do. I realized that every single thing he told me not to do, are the things that actually help me feel better and enjoy life. And things he was adamant were ideal, are the things that bring me the most discomfort.
Working hard and having a job in the system are miserable. My art degree and doing artwork are uplifting. The idea of crunching numbers all the time as an engineer would, is horribly boring, mind numbing. Being able to help people every day is uplifting.
Doing the safe, tried and true that society deems as functional may keep you safe and relatively stable; but it’s exhilarating to acknowledge that I have supported an entire family, on my own, when it was risky, when I was supposed to just go get a job, when what I was doing could have failed miserably. I kept a family afloat when everyone around me wanted to convince me it was foolhardy and unsustainable.
I have worked as a massage therapist for 13 years, when my class was instructed the career-life of the average massage therapist is 5 years. I help people everyday with things when their doctor told them they’d just have to live with it. I help people even when they refuse to let go and make my work difficult for me.
Beyond that I help outside of massage. I’ve made and donated signs and artwork of a variety. I’ve supported food banks and homeless shelters. I’ve donated belongings to charitable organizations. I helped my father escape a hospital when he doesn’t want to be in the system anymore. I am currently helping Autumn regain her footing in life, including transportation, setting up appointments and doing my level best to help her with emotional support and pain management. And though my reader base is small, I know I’ve helped at least a few people know they aren’t alone and that anything can be fixed if you allow God to help you see the solutions. I know my words have helped being some understanding and some relief too this crazy world of ours. I know my words generally help people see how to reach for better and know they aren’t alone.
My failures and missteps have given me lessons to learn and grow, and my words help others learn those lessons more gently. My father may have created an environnement of abuse and damage that caused many long-term problems for me, but I turned those problems into lessons for myself and everyone. I learned from them and grew and have shown everyone they can do it too.
I have chosen to learn things just because I find value in them, and I know I can learn anything that I want to. The bonus is God has my back and guides me to knowing which things are best for me. When I feel good, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do, even when it doesn’t make sense at the time.
We all are in this boat together. If you are having these same/similar realizations, then please know God wants us to succeed. The fate of humanity lies in us being able to maintain our connection and work together for solutions for all. No matter where you are, what you are doing, where you think you are headed, always reach for better and reach for solutions. Humanity needs us to do that more than ever.
I know that we can do it. We have already broken down so many of the old dysfunctional beliefs and paradigms. Just because they said this or that, doesn’t mean it is true for us. When they realize that their ways no longer apply, they will probably all exit, and that’s okay. There no reason to keep pummeling new generations with outdated, useless beliefs and paradigms. Humanity needs to learn and grow and reach for better and many of those old ways prevent that. We all must focus on the solutions that allow for goodness and growth for all of human kind. Only if something supports humanity as a whole should it continue. It is time that the light wins and we get our lives back. It is time for the solutions that enable living wholly and completely.
May you see your solutions easily. May you know what to reach for and how to put solutions into place. May you see how to come together with others to create lasting relief for everyone. May you see that even after something seemingly negative there is always a solution to be found. May you see that you can do anything and there is no need to hide from anything, there is no need play it safe. If you stay connected anything you do is safe. May you understand God supports you. May you know you are loved and that all learning lessons are good lessons, and that you can learn anything you want to.
Siva Hir Su
**=… … This is purely my own suggestion based on what I do for myself, and though I’d love to be compensated for it, I currently am not. … … I highly recommend several supplements as solutions for managing systemic depression, as often (but not always) depression is a symptom of mechanical failure within the brain and/or body. Those would be: A good methylated B-complex at high doses, magnesium- dose may vary, fish oil – also at large doses, Adrenal Caps by Solaray especially if stress is a factor or cause, CBD oil and/or cannabis products. These are all good for general causes of depression. Oftentimes hormones or thyroid play a role and you’d want to address those as well. … … My current favorite general booster is “Free and Easy Wanderer” tea pills available from MayWay, I have to take a lot when I really dip, but if I take enough it’s way better than any prescription antidepressant that I’ve ever tried, and the bonus is that I don’t have to take it every day- only when I drop, it also doesn’t have any side effects that I’ve noticed.
My divine masculine is on my mind. I know that the divine has the ability to manifest in infinite ways and multiple people, especially for my desires with both family and career.
I know that my divine masculine loves me and wants to honor me in all the ways I desire. I know that I have already done more than enough to prove myself to myself, and that I am enough.
So I’m taking this knowing to focus on my preferences and alignment to allow my DM to manifest in my life. Most of these pertain more to family relations, but some aspects could also apply to career/work relations.
My DM loves me and cares about me, and they are willing to state that to me. Not just willing, they care so much about me that they are drawn to tell me directly. Their caring is more important to them, than any perceived risk in telling the truth. So my DM will tell me in very certain and clear terms. If someone doesn’t care enough to do that, then they are not my DM manifesting.
My DM cares more about me than any external input. My DM trusts that God wouldn’t stir such strong desire and caring if it didn’t matter. They may be working on fine tuning their connection just like me, but they feel their connection enough to trust our interactions and the posotive emotions behind them. It is the security in that knowing that helps them to find their voice when telling me about their desires and concerns. If someone isn’t trusting their connection as such, then they couldn’t possibly even be allowing enough of God to be manifestation of my DM.
My DM has mastered their fears enough that any needs for protection or secrecy are no longer a factor. This means they don’t feel the need for weapons for protection, that they don’t need to hide a relationship because they are secure in their own being. They know they can handle scrutiny and petty attacks, but they are also aware that this world brings what you focus on. So if they focus on a world that is more open and accepting and reaching for better equality, then that is the world they will see. It means that if they focus on loving support and kindness of strangers, that is what they will experience. There is no need to be afraid of attacks via words or with weapons if one is focused on a safe, open, accepting world.
My DM sees all of me, including my needs and desires, my hopes and dreams, and they accept of all me. Not just accept, they share most of the same dreams and desires. They have so much in common that they accept the rest unequivocally. The accept me as a whole, and love me for being me. Anyone that doesn’t is not my divine masculine manifesting wholley.
My DM knows that I am my own person and that I will not be owned. My DM respects my rights and my own sovereignty and I respect the same in them. They trust that our connection is more important than any laws or paperwork that were originally intended to protect such connections, but have since become misconstrued and misused. My DM is willing to explore alternative options to meet my/our special needs, and if someone isn’t willing to explore alternatives then they are not my DM.
My DM knows that even though I have the body of a woman, that I am more complicated than that. My DM accepts me as being both masculine and feminine, and accepts that I love Nathan very much. My DM understands that in regards to Nathan, I am the masculine role and I love Nathan intensely and fully intend to keep my relationship with him strong, but also need to honor my feminine half and allow myself to be in the feminine role more frequently. Because of this my DM understands, accepts, and shares my desires for a poly family; so if someone doesn’t understand, accept, or share that then they are likely not my DM manifesting.
My Divine Masculine feels me and senses me, and knows me on a deeper level that might be hard for another person to understand. They know they don’t need to try to explain it to others, but they also know it is safe to talk to me about it- that sharing the experience of our connection only strengthens our connection further. We are equals and equally trust each other and openly share willingly. If someone is unable to do that, then they must not be my DM manifesting.
My DM wants to figure out how to move forward and create a future with me. They care enough to make that happen, even or especially if there are perceived risks to do so. I look forward to having those conversations and figuring things out with them. I have gotten much more sure of my connection and what I feel. I know I am on the right track.
An Abraham audio I listened to on the way to work this morning provided this clarity and I am glad I finally had the moment to put words to it. In the audio Abraham listed off several statements followed by “because I want to”. There were a few statements that some people would cringe over. But Abraham pointed out that the cringe-worthy statements would feel better than lower vibrating statements, but were not fully connected either. The point being made was that moving upward is always good, but ultimately the real goal is to reach the extremely good feeling of being fully connected to ones own divine force. That if you are all the way connected then it only feels really good. The moment you are aware you don’t feel really good, you are no longer fully connected, and you need to do whatever necessary to climb back up to full connection.
My most difficult aspect of thinking about my divine masculine God force is that I know God is a plurality, but I am hoping for just a couple/few to manifest in ‘reality’ for the long-haul. When I acknowledge the way the divine plurality feels about me, I always find the good feeling easily and know everything is just as I have described here. Then I think about people in my life that had moments of connection to my divine masculine, some fleeting, some more sustained, it gets me a bit confused. The fleeting moments I kind of understand as they were situational, and I evoked it from them as I managed to allow better for a moment. I still don’t understand why or how my father sustained it when I was tiny and never ever sustained it again. I know I was somehow partly to blame for that, but at this point feel like it is futility to even try to fix it, since he can’t see me for who I am and what I care about, and is so unwilling to change.
And those 3 others that sustained it longer, but have yet to come around. That’s where I am most confused. I thought for certain I’d found partners, but at this point the whole package (described above) has not manifested. I gave up on them figuring out that either they couldn’t fully manifest what I desire, or my thoughts about them was hanging things up. Either way, the stall out has left me deciding that giving up seems to be the best answer for now. Hence why I’m writing to focus on the generic side of things. Focusing on the things I know are aligned, and not on the people that ghosted and pushed me away, seems to be the easier route for me for right now. Only God knows if my new focus will bring them back or align me with more appropriate manifestations. I am truly and honestly open to either, as long as it is forward motion and in alignment with my higher self.
I love Nathan and my children, and they will be in my life for the long-haul. I also still, desire more in addition to my current already manifested reality, and that ensures I will keep living to keep reaching for more/better.
May you see the alignment of your desires. May you understand your thoughts in regards to manifestations. May you sense God’s love and acceptance of you. May you know you are good enough and deserve everything you desire. May you know your desires stir life force that helps you keep moving forward. May you always have worthy goals to reach for. May you live long and prosper and feel God’s love and support.