Tag Archives: reaching for better

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ┬┐Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

Angry at whom?

While at the wedding, I sent an angry message, which I can’t forget. To be honest it was drunk texting.

I’m torn between letting it drop knowing I won’t get a response anyway, and simply apologizing.

Essentially, I am angry over lies and ghosting and getting hurt- at least on the surface.

In my message which I’ve now reread a dozen times hoping I would see a response, I saw my errors. I saw my assumptions. I saw where my mind has filled in blanks grasping at thin air for understanding.

In reality, I’m mad at myself.

I’m angry because:

  • I let myself be attached.
  • I let myself get hurt.
  • I can’t let go and move on, despite desperately trying to do so.
  • I perceive that the other-side/God keeps reminding me of all of it.
  • I don’t understand why the other-side/divine keeps reminding me, since that’s never happened before; or why I can’t let go and move on, knowing I’ve been able to with others.
  • I put hopes for myself in another.
  • I did make assumptions and fill in blanks that were not mine to fill in. I let feelings and sensations stir my imagination.
  • I made an assumption that because I felt a person’s energy in a certain way, that they must have been special or different. That the intensity and way in which I experienced things must have somehow dictated more importance for me because of the way I feel others on a regular basis.
  • I allowed a connection to interfere with my worldview.
  • I loved an idea so much that I’ve held myself apart from it by focusing on it’s absence.
  • I’m disappointed in myself for being hung up, stuck in a mental loop, unable to let go enough to fully restart.
  • That I’ve allowed this experience to shadow my current reality and I’ve begun to distrust everything that even slightly seems similar.
  • I question my now, myself, and my experiences, because that one instance fell flat.

Now, as I’ve told Nathan many times, once I acknowledge the problem, I can do something, anything to fix it. I make an attempt for improvement. I make an attempt to rewire my brain or reach for better.

So in this instance reaching for better would be:

  • I want to detach- let go and move on.
  • I want to see my growth and healing.
  • I want to see how this experience helped me to be a better person.
  • I want reminders in my experience to cease.
  • I want understanding and clarity.
  • I want the truth, an answer, an explanation.
  • I want to know why I felt everything that I did, and why I felt them the way I did.
  • I want to know what my dreams were and what they meant. I keep cycling back to my dreams: when they are that vivid, they always have an element of truth that will eventually be clear. I’m ready for that clarity.
  • I want to see my hopes fulfilled. I want to see and feel evidence of my desires in me and around me. I want to feel God’s support.
  • I want the blanks filled in, the truth as it pertains to me. Why is the divine continually reminding me of them?
  • I want to allow things in. I want to accept the process.
  • I want to restart.
  • I want to know for certain that I’m discerning something unique in my life.
  • I want to eliminate doubts.
  • I want certainty.
  • I want to be confident in myself.
  • I want to delight myself.
  • I want to regain a solid world view and find confidence and trust in moving forward into new situations.
  • I want to trust myself again, and have knowing that I am feeling things accurately. I want to have more evidence that I’m accurate in discerning other’s energy and how it relates to me (bodywork vs significant resource vs significant other).
  • I want to feel protected and that it is safe to love.
  • I want to dispel fears and find confidence in attracting someone to love again, in addition to my Nathan.
  • I want that someone to choose me… as in they could do anything they want, have other options available, but choose me because they connect with me on an intense level…. and they are open and honest about it even if that seems daunting, a challenge. (That doesn’t mean they have to give up other options, just that they choose me, also, as well, in addition to, or because they didn’t connect as well with the other options.)

That’s a good start. From here now I look for evidence of the answer, and keep an open mind and watch for synchronicity. My solution will come eventually.

May you all have refocusing moments. May you all have redefining clarity. May you all find your way to improvement. And finally, may you find your solutions and path forward.

Siva Hir Su

Chasing the rain away.

Watch “Devil’s Dance Floor” on YouTube

We’re on about a week of cloudy days here in KC, with several having been rainy as well. I appreciated the cooler temperatures, but would love to have the sun back, and thus I’m reaching for something enjoyable.

A conversation yesterday at work stirred my desire to listen to some Hypnogaja, but a few of their songs lean toward dark and depressing, so I followed up with some Flogging Molly. Their song Devil’s Dance Floor (above) is my all time favorite workout song because I really get moving when the song kicks into full swing, so that definitely helped today.

I’ve never seen many live shows, and thus can name all of them.

By the time I graduated college I had seen: Hypnogaja, Paul McCartney, James Galway, Wylde Nept, and a few non-descript small time groups.

As an adult I have seen: America, Kaleo, Kongos, Dropkick Murphy’s, Flannigan’s Right Hook, and Nothing But Thieves.

Needless to say I would not be offended by getting to see a few more live shows. For now, I continue to enjoy recorded music, as I have an ample supply of that, which regularly grows even larger.

My kids however have not developed an appreciation for a large array of music yet, so I have to be more careful of my choices when around them.

I’m not sure why I show that respect though, except that I love them….

Today I was greeted after work with a teething 1.5 year old and a just plain loud and complainy 5 year old. It was almost like they were competing to see who could be the most obnoxious.

Lunch had been made, but they hadn’t eaten for dad and older sister. It wasn’t until I sat to eat something that they both decided they wanted to eat…. or should I say be fed. I ended up with 2 children squaking at me like baby birds, competing for bites of my meal, which was leftovers of what they had already been offered.

So I literally got 1 in 3 bites, sharing the rest with each of them in turns. It was quite comical, and I commented to Nathan and a friend that I think I now understood why my mom always said “monkey see, monkey do” & “kids, cats & puppy dogs”. It’s definitely one of those afternoons.

As much as I had hoped this afternoon would go a bit differently, I’m still grateful for the time with my children. If only I can figure out how to turn their volume down a few decibels.

May you all have peaceful fun with kids, good music to listen to, and great times with friends and family.

Siva Hir Su