Tag Archives: relationships

It takes Guts

I woke this morning at 5:30am my time, feeling a burning in my chest and arms. A very familiar sensation of the past five years. The image that immediately came to mind was not as I expected, an image of someone I’d only ever seen via Nathan’s searching for answers. It was the person that by logical deduction I had placed on the left of my heart, assuming I had correctly labeled the person that held the right side. Yet this morning the sensation was all over. Why was the sensation all over when I most definitely had two people causing halves to activate in tandem as previously? And why did I get a mental image of just the one person? I don’t have the answers.

I had already written both off and started to move on. If the universe wanted me to do anything different, then timing is pretty lousy from my perspective. I don’t have my higher-self view or understanding of this at the moment. Nothing. Thin air.

With that being said I had to stop and take a moment to evaluate this person in relation to my now. If either one or both of them wish to come back into my life there would have to be much truth telling and rebuilding of trust. I would be very hesitant to relax into anything.

That being said this damned connection is so strong, and so persistent, even 5 years later, that I have to acknowledge the divine does seem to see value in maintaining this connection for some reason. I am not one to discount anything the divine sets in motion.

So frustrations and distrust aside, I would probably be willing to attempt to start over. My guts in this scenario would be stepping back enough to allow them the space to come clean and make things right. Yet, I would then have to continually remind myself I’m giving them a second chance. At least until that feeling place could guide me like it did early on, when I first felt the lies versus truth in energy. That will take great restraint on my part to not have knee jerk reactions. Just listening with an open heart after being hurt would take a massive amount of patience for me.

As much as I want to, I’m not sure I’m up to it. Though sometimes it just would depend on the day.

As I write this I then sit wishing that Republicans would find that same space. (I’ll keep this aside short since I prefer not to talk politics). I sorely wish for those good, honorable, respectable, intelligent Republicans to stand up and proclaim the Injustice that Trump has brought to their party. I know they exist and for the life of me I can’t understand why they are letting others ruin their party.

I’m not a republican, but I have never before hated the party as I do now. It’s all because of one man’s lies, manipulations, and espionage, and the rest of the party towing the line blindly or crookedly (depending on their actions). Where are the Ronald Regan’s of the party. It seems we have a whole party playing Tricky Dick-ery, except this time they failed to have the sense to keep it on American soil.

Lastly, if I hear constitutional crisis one more time I’m likely to punch the person that says it. There was no constitutional crisis when Billy Bob was being held accountable of abuse of power and lies over getting a blowjob. There was not constitutional crisis when Richard Nixon abused power and manipulated that election. Neither is there here. Trump has sorely abused his power and put our country in jeopardy involving foreign governments. He needs impeached and removed from office along with everyone that helped.

Republicans find your balls, have some guts, do the right effing thing.

That’s all I’ll write on that for now.

May you all find your guts to do the right thing, have an open mind, and work through obstacles of any kind. May you let love overcome fears. May you see God’s influence and understand connections. May you have a happy, blessed and fulfilling life. May you trust those around you and your gouvernent. May you see things working out for the highest good. May you feel safe and loved.

Siva Hir Su

Addicted To Love

This evening with my children was good, great in fact. Once I figured out how to reel in my children’s scream reflex, it went much better.

I was able to sit with Ian and let him use the paint program on the computer. He did his auto-writing again, this time digitally. I understood that was happening, but not what the message was. I only noticed that I knew some of the characters that showed up in his scribbles. There was again hindi and telegu characters, and I am amazed that something I barely understand myself is showing up in his “writing”. Whomever he is connected to asked me very quietly, through his voice, what I was listening to. When I went to respond Ian came back fully and was very confused about what Kaleo was. I explained it was a band name and I didn’t name them, so I wasn’t sure why they were called that.

Later I put our Jason Mraz Pandora station on and danced with both Katherine and Ian. It was much needed connection time. I felt very blessed to be with my children, especially having figured out the magic mix of what they needed to ground and relax with mommy.

It has been a very feel-good mushy evening, and at this point both are working on bedtime rituals.

At one point I found myself thinking about my Indian person because an Ed Sheeran song played that I listened to when I was talking to them. I got an image of them being very angry, and directing it at me. I apologized profusely and started crying quietly. Yet, whomever I was connecting with said they really weren’t mad at me, they were mad at themselves for not being able to come forward and tell the truth. That made me even sadder. Nathan caught me with “the look” on my face, and buddy came running and gave me a head-butt. Nathan told me he always knew something was up when buddy did that, and asked me what was going on. I asked him why I love people so easily and why was he (Nathan) the only one willing to be as honest and affectionate as is humanly possible with me. Why was he the only one that could really show me the love I give so much.  I just don’t understand how 2 people so willing to build family and work toward common goals keep having train wrecks of one sided love. He replied with an I don’t know, but the story isn’t over and maybe they will at some point. He’s so damn optimistic, but sometimes at the least helpful times.

I had a moment where I thought about the divine and how the divine has saved my life with giving me the tools and information to fix my health on several occasions, especially in regards to my depression journey. I was expressing that sentiment to God, that I love God, as much as I love those people that don’t return the love to me. In reply I literally heard- Imagine that you are god and that response is nearly everyone on the planet. I love them all, but very few actually return that love to me.

That made me sad too.

It made me think. Perhaps we all have this love thing all effed up. Perhaps we’re all doing it wrong or have learned the wrong things as showing our love.

I know for me when I think about my love for the divine, I think about all those smaller moments that have accumulated in being able to say that god has saved my life. I think about how the divine literally moves through me when I am working on people in my office. I think about how I know that god force allowed into my body provides me very real healing moments. I think about all the warm fuzzy sensations in my body which I feel when the divine presence is in me. Simply thinking of these things makes me swell with gratitude and I literally feel more love. I naturally turn that love back to the source of it all, that divine presence. It is definitely a very addictive feeling place for me.

I openly admit that I occasionally get the divine flow confused with the mental connection I have with that person, because they both strengthened in my life during the same timeline, and at times can have a similar feeling. Because of that I do sometimes visualize the divine in the same way, to be able to provide a hug or kiss as a sign of my affection. Yet, I know that the feeling place is the most important aspect. That feeling place has no face, has no ability to truly hug or kiss.

It just is.

How does one show love to something that is all around you and within you?

How does one prove to God that your love is genuine?

For me, I tend to think of how I show my love to other people:

I try to notice things they have done. I try to show that I have noticed their effect on our shared environment or good interactions they have with others. I try to give love by giving gifts or giving of myself. I give affection, I support in any way I can. I try to notice the little things about them, their likes, their preferences, their interests. I do my best to be kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving.

What if that is really all God wants?

  • What if God just wants us to notice those people, places and things which the divine has influenced and/or created?
  • What if God wants us to think about the positive effects the divine has had on other people and things?
  • What if God just wants us to notice the positive interactions that people have with each other?
  • What if God wants us to give gifts to him by giving gifts to each other?
  • What if God wants us to give affection by giving affection to each other as often as possible?
  • What if God wants us to notice the little things that the divine accomplishes each and every day?
  • What if loving God really is as simple as being kind, supportive, loving, and forgiving as frequently as humanly possible, even when you are presented with ample excuses not to?

All of these things can be attempted continually, not just on Sundays or when begged by charitable organizations.

That makes me think of the client a week ago. She is one of the beautiful women I had noticed, and I happen to know we share an awful lot of the same challenges. I was simply thinking that she was such a beautiful person that I wished that she knew that, that she could see her beauty instead of all of the challenges. I know I wish that for myself quite frequently.

As I was thinking all of this, that voice I hear more and more often, quietly nagged me to be honest and tell her. I replied I can’t, I’m not supposed to. I was again told to say it, that she needed to hear it. So, I gave in, and in the gentlest way I said the following: “Please don’t take this the wrong way; I’m not sure if you’re having a tough spot, but I am being told you need to hear this. You are a beautiful woman and even though I know you share many challenges like I face, you are amazing and a wonderful person. You really are a beautiful person.” She had replied that she was having a rough spot and did really need to hear that. She thanked me and we both shed a couple of tears. After the massage she gave me a hug.

Something that technically inches toward encroaching on board ethics was exactly what the divine needed me to voice in that moment. I could have held to my excuse and avoided possible ramifications all-together. As it is, I took the gentlest route around it that I could, and she will never know that I briefly contemplated the physical attraction to her. I was able to look past the excuse in that moment and find the happy medium to help pass a message from the divine that she really needed to hear. Those are the moments that I cherish and look forward to. Those are the moments that I am extra grateful for, and honestly hope that God knows I am doing my best to oblige as frequently as possible.

I love knowing that I am helping God to heal and help people, I love feeling God’s presence, and I love being able to pass that feeling on to others. I love knowing that God loves me, even when I have had a life full of less than stellar moments. I am addicted to love, especially God’s love. One day perhaps that will manifest in the family I have so very much desired. Perhaps that one day will be after I die. Regardless, I will continue to do my best to give my love to the divine presence that saved my life and said I could call it Shiva.

Siva Hir Su

Why I prefer “chick flicks”.

So I was contemplating my preferences after my recent acknowledgements, and in the process came to an understanding as to why I prefer “chick flicks”.

I was literally attempting to put words to my quandary of why do men do the machismo thing more than in the past, or so it seems to me.

I had thought about how at one point men in media were shown as dashing, handsome, wholesome, and multi-talented. I thought of moments like are found in a myriad of movies, but especially I thought of scenes from Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire movies, I thought of Casa Blanca. Actors from that era were expected to be good looking, but also excellent dancers and singers, they had to be strong, and often were required to speak multiple languages.

I’m fully aware that even though that was the standard in media, our society still had the full array of everything you still find today. Yet, there was an understanding in society that those were qualities that earned respect and showed your integrity. Those were the virtues that even regular working class people strived for, that even the average Joe reached for.

I then thought about movies today. There’s a whole lot more blood and gore. There are strong men, but every time you see a strong man- a superhero, someone dies, and often many people loose their lives in such movies. Going back a bit there are those Rambo type war stories, there are zombie apocalypse movies, and straight up superheroes like spider man. In all of these movies their strength is for one goal, take down the bad guys at all costs. I would agree that usually what’s chosen to define the bad guys is clear and agreed upon by societal standards, yet each and every movie includes the loss of innocent lives.

I realised that even though I acknowledged that those are all present in our world today, I prefer not to watch it for entertainment.

I prefer to see strength demonstrated in other ways, and I suspect I’m not alone. It’s why feats of herculean strength are now demonstrated in games: Olympics, Ninja Warrior, Highland Games, and the like. The games eliminate the blood and gore while still demonstrating strength and agility. I appreciate that, it’s a much more civilized and palatable way to experience that virtue.

That then brought me around to Hallmark movies and why I love them so much. They are wholesome, the people are genuine, there is kindness and love. Yet you still are treated with complex stories that could happen to regular everyday people. It takes the complexity of this world, but focuses on happier more joyous aspects and outcomes.

Though I mostly prefer heartwarming stories like those, I will watch other movies. I still prefer movies where the people demonstrate intelligence and strength without so much blood and gore. I also greatly like fantastical movies like Harry Potter and the less gory science-fiction like Star Trek/Star Wars.

I suppose that is why I like Will Smith so much. Beyond also being polyamorous, he’s good looking, charming, charismatic, and many of his movies he’s able to accomplish great things with a minimum of blood and gore. I really truly appreciate that.

I told Nathan it’s one of the things I appreciate most about him. Even though he doesn’t look like a hallmark actor or Will Smith, he embodies many of the qualities that they do, and he’s cute to me, and that’s what counts.

So then I sat to define what I appreciate most about others, and admitted that looks are a relatively small factor. As far as looks go, I appreciate this:

Really what I’m trying to show is that I find appreciation in a wide variety of people and body types. I have discovered that only the severely unhealthy people are unattractive to me. Those people that have given up on their health, or just didn’t care to begin with. I’ve known several of those people and just can’t even contemplate a relationship with any of them. I’m sorry, but Yuck!

What is it I do appreciate about people that makes me desire them then?

Hmmm…..

  • Kindness
  • Concern
  • Thoughtfulness
  • Intelligence (As Queen Latifa would say I get lady wood there.)
  • A belief in something greater than us.
  • The ability to learn and discuss complex topics (quantum physics is one I find particularly fascinating, even if I have trouble keeping up with it).
  • The desire to keep learning.
  • Strength of physical, mental, and emotional aspects.
  • A desire to do better, striving for more, self improvement goals.
  • Loving
  • Supportive
  • Striving for equality and social justice is pretty high on my list.
  • A desire to help make the world a better place.

Yet there’s more….

  • I like a good challenge, someone that makes me think or improve myself even more.
  • I like encouragement when I’m admittedly not at my best, you don’t always have to challenge me.
  • I like knowing I’m appreciated.
  • I like knowing they notice small things about me.
  • I like when they take criticisms or input as a challenge for improving themselves as well, and likewise do my best not to stir that pot too often.
  • I like people that work well together, especially since ultimately I hope to build Atira through my chosen family. It would be in our best interests to be able to work and play together and not get sick of each other.
  • So an ability to compromise, problem solve, and find a balance in challenging situations is very exciting to me.
  • I find good communication skills quite sexy too. If you can tell me work flow concerns in one breath and follow that with coherent sentimental thoughts in your next breath, I might faint on you.
  • I love when people can make and keep priorities. For instance I know I need a certain diet, certain amounts of sleep and exercise, and certain balance between work and recreation. Most of the time I’m able to maintain that, occasionally I fail. I prefer those around me accomplish the same.

Though I feel like there are many more qualities I could define, those are usually ones that I look for evidence of first. At that point then I’m usually familiar with a person enough that it becomes about analyzing their interactions or their behaviors, and their words. I start looking for alignment between the two. That represents integrity and honesty to me. If I get to know someone and one of those starts to show gaps, it almost always becomes the undoing of the relationship. I’ve been hurt enough times that I simply loathe intentional mistruths and/or manipulations. For a long term relationship, I simply must have honesty and integrity.

And that brings me full circle back to Hallmark movies. They are chalk full of honesty and integrity and showing how if you’re not honest what damage it can do. So I’ll end with a thank you to Hallmark. Thank you for wholesome movies that show the importance of honesty, integrity, and kindness.

May you all have your defining moments of greater clarity. May you all find an abundance of honest people in your lives, and may you experience many examples of integrity. Above all may you find the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Pause.

I’m having a series of redefining moments.

It started with the guy at work. Very intelligent, very handsome, but because he’s just gone through a divorce he’s in player mode. I’ve discovered that’s a huge turnoff for me. He’s literally thrown himself at all the women, with exception of the lesbian and the woman that threw herself at him first. It’s very unbecoming.

It’s one thing to explore to define what you want and are interested in. It’s entirely another to be outwardly vocal about playing the field and throwing around innuendo like candy.

The former I can respect because: if you didn’t honestly know, and needed a few experiences to point you in the right direction, but were able to utilize that to focus in a specific direction, then great. Sometimes, if you’ve never experienced certain things, but find them intriguing, then you do need to give it a try to see if it’s really a fit for you or not.

Where the turnoff on the latter comes in, is that even though he seems very intelligent he’s made very clear that nearly anything goes right now. It’s simply because he can, not because he is invested in any way, shape or form, even to redefine his preferences. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

It’s the same conversation I had with Anya when the older teens introduced her to porn. Just because she had the technology to look up what they were talking about didn’t mean she should have. She can’t unsee what she saw, she can’t unlearn certain concepts. My point to her was that if she’d brought the question to Nathan and I, we could have given her the most PG version possible and then she would have avoided the trauma of that learning experience.

This man is doing the same thing but with real humans and in real time. That’s bound to end up in someone getting hurt, or a medical problem (pregnancy or STD), and potentially both. That kind of reckless disregard for consequences is very hazardous and speaks to a lack of integrity.

I’ve told Nathan about him hitting on me and that I suspect he hasn’t even tried googling me yet. I suspect that if he had, the innuendo would have gotten more intense. As it is, I’m currently experiencing the same level as everyone else he has in his sights. Though I’m flattered that he’s acknowledged me as a possibility for him, he’s not really even close to one for me. Especially if he can’t snap out of the BS quickly and regain his senses.

I told Nathan the unfortunate side effect of me being who I am, is that I tend to bring far more to the table for others, than they do for me. I cited several relationships where I changed paradigms for people, but I benefited in no way. Several others I managed to enjoy a little intimacy to still end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick. One couple in particular were not interested in me or Nathan as partners, but they were perfectly happy taking advantage of introduction to polyamory and Camp Gaea. It’s just one of many such situations I’ve contributed to.

Yet acknowledging these things, I’ve had to step back a bit and admit that each and every situation has provided me with lists of “do’s & don’ts”. Every situation has provided clarity. The couple I just referenced for example, in hindsight I can see that several of their habits are far too unhealthy for my needs and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. So, I may have opened their minds and shifted their paradigm, but I gained great clarity on what kinds of people and their habits I’m looking for.

So I’m a very complex person with complex needs, wants, and desires. As evidenced by the array of music I listen to. Below is just a short sampling of what’s accessible on my phone, of which I’m in the midst of listening to on shuffle.

That brings me to my bullet points of redefining today- I’ll list them below the music screenshot.

  • I asked for tall dark and handsome with intelligence and financial stability (to help with myself feeling more safe and secure), but it needs to come with integrity and sensibility and an awareness of consequences.
  • I still wish I had my Indian people back that I let into my heart. My heart aches for that connection. C’est la vie.
  • Polyamory is a must: an understanding that intimacy is exchanged because of a foundation in love, and an ability to share of ourselves and contribute as family.
  • Respect for myself and my family is a must. I’m not a trophy or a touchdown, and my goal continues to be building a bigger family. None will be cut to enable another’s entry. Once I am fully committed and invested, I intend to remain as such.
  • Respect is earned, and love is found and grows.
  • People need to start investing in me as much as I do them. Otherwise I’ll just quit investing altogether. I can always keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I need more heartache like another hole in the head. I need to see genuine interest and caring interactions before I invest in another relationship again.
  • I need people to understand I didn’t get where I am overnight. If I tell you I have allergies that have taken decades to figure out, and I don’t have willpower because my body is chemically addicted to those allergens, then you should be supportive and not consider it a fun game to get me to eat that shit. It’s not a fun game to give an alcoholic liquor, and it shouldn’t be any different with me and a doughnut.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If you find you’re interested, you better define why. I may be a bit jaded and cynical at this point and distrust flirtations and innocent placations. Having someone promise the world to me and turn around 6 months later to literally take everything back will do that.
  • I care about ME.
  • I love ME.
  • I respect myself.
  • I know I’m strong and intelligent.
  • I know I have integrity.
  • I know I consider consequences.
  • I know I make choices carefully.
  • I know I value others.
  • I know I am consistent regardless of my being different from the masses.
  • I know that I care about myself and others.
  • I will wait patiently for others to begin reflecting these things to me.
  • I know I am strong physically, mentally, and emotionally and my strength has come from overcoming many, many challenges.
  • I know that in time my willpower over my allergens will increase as the chemical dependence on them decreases, it’s simply another challenge of practice makes perfect. I look forward to more people around me being supportive of that journey for me, and helping me to build my willpower.
  • I look forward to being around people that have faced similar challenges and really understand how to be supportive. The kind of people that can help me increase my health and finish reaching some of my goals, because they’ve already gone through the journey.
  • I look forward to people with more pieces to completing my puzzle, more keys to unlock the paths still unrevealed. More progress.
  • I look forward to more people that can see all of me and can handle it.

May you all have redefining moments. May you all see what you seek. May you all have a healthy level of self-love, self-respect, and self-admiration. May God send you the people to help continue your growth.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Getting Somewhere… I think.

I needed help, I sent prayer requests to everyone I knew- regardless of religious preference, with the basics of what was going on. Even though I choose to reference myself as a Pagan, and view god in several different manifestational aspects, I see everyone’s connection with God as vital and helpful, so I ask anyone that is spiritual in any way, for support when I need it.

The church at work has come through with some help in a variety of ways, I am so grateful. I am really seeing how churches are really like companies, they bring people together for a common purpose and get the job done. Their purpose is just the spiritual side of things, and solidifies my belief in goals for Atira. I look forward to one day finding my pastor for the Temple of Atira at the heart of Atira community.

So, I needed a home, good enough for now. We’ve found just that. My husband stumbled onto a house in an OK neighborhood, not the best, but not the worst either. When he called, the landlord had 2 houses and one other person interested. We looked at both and put in our request, and I let God decide which was better for us right now- knowing they were essentially the same house, neighborhood, and cost. When the landlord called back, we got the one with the basement that is about mile closer to work, but no central air.

The house was a $100.00 per month over our goal. I had already expressed the need for a significant raise to my manager when they were contemplating hiring me back full time. So I told God I’ll definitely need that raise and then some if I’m going to start chipping away at getting ahead of my ball of mess.

The very day that my husband secured our new home with a deposit, my manager called me in. The offer: Tuesday through Saturday 8 hour days, $16/hr to start since I’ve jumped in and helped out so well. Once they figure out who is landing in what roles permanently, I’ll be bumped to $17/hr, and when I complete their online training program that will earn another $1/hr. So the faster I complete that, the better. IF I can get my A1C down from pregnancy/allergies and reinstate my medical card on my CDL I’ll get another bump (though that was more vague).

Regardless for now, I will have to continue to do massage. I’m giving the care-giving job nearly 3 weeks notice, and that will give me time to adjust my massage schedule. All will have to be set by October 28th, as that is the start of the first week full time for the offered position. I’m moving 2 of my buildings and as many individuals as possible to Sundays. My Mondays will stay the same fully booked at 2 of my long standing facilities. I will officially be working 7 day weeks, every week, but my days will be shorter with a 15-20 min commute and Sundays being most likely half days. I’ll actually get to see my children a little more than right now. So that’s a bonus.

As part of my new role I’m jumping into a book that the company started a couple of months ago, and each week they covered a couple of chapters during the weekly meetings. Since they’re already on chapter 24, I am cramming the reading of the book into one weekend to get caught up, so that I can present the next pair of chapters on Tuesday.

It’s called “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon, and so far I’m just hitting the chapters where the 10 rules for life are being started. The chapter I’m on (7), ends with a writing exercise, so I thought it apropos to write my answers down here.

  1. My vision for my life (including health) is:
    • I want to heal both my brain and my body. I see myself at a healthy weight (150-160 lbs) that is easy to maintain, almost effortless. I see myself having healed my digestive system so that it rarely reacts to small things and a place where only bigger intrusions become noticeable. I see myself being able to tell others that I have healed my brain enough that depression rarely rears its head, and I am generally in a good, happy place in life. I see myself in a place where I love myself every day, all day, and finally put a stop to self-degrading and self-limiting beliefs and language. I want to own my health fully and completely and know that I can sometimes have things without it hurting me physically or mentally. That I have built a fortress of good health.
  2. My vision for my work, career, job, and team is:
    • Ultimately, I see owning my own community: Atira, but not just for elderly. I see having Atira help adults of all walks of life and thus help many, many families. You can’t please everyone, but you can build a community that attracts only those that it desires to please, and that is my end goal.
    • I can see how my current work is giving me an eye into the vast complexity of what an organization like that means. I am getting a first hand glimpse into what it takes to run such a vast community, especially staffing needs and logistical breakdowns, and I can see that I have quite a ways to go before I solidly know how manage something so complex. I am grateful for this opportunity and it’s guidance, and I know that in time I will have the knowledge that I need to go and Start Atira.
    • I see that though it is a process to learn all of the things needed to build my community, I am the only one that controls the flow. I am the speed of the river, so I am the only one that can dictate how long it will take me to learn all of the things I need to know to accomplish building Atira. I state here that I wish to keep things moving: as soon as I master one step, I wish to be in a stable footing to take the next step comfortably. I know that the step I’m on is entertainment coordinator, and I am comfortable with some of the elements, but still working on logistical juggling and paperwork aspects. It will come quickly. I will find my groove. When I do and I can demonstrate maintaining the flow for a few months, I look forward to the next step: managing a team of people that do the leg work for an organization.
    • I know that I will need some minimal additional training to make that next step in someone else’s organization, so I ask that the universe provide the opportunity at little to no cost to me and in a manner that I can easily fit it into my work schedule and life. I foresee this training being more easily accommodated after the first of the year, and after I have nearly mastered my current role.
    • Once I master my current role, and gain the additional training I see that the logical next step is to find a new position with that added training. I know that taking steps forward like that can seem daunting, but it is an important learning experience and I acknowledge that I have done it many times before and will be able to do it again and again until I have mastered each level along the way to running a full community. It will come in time, and I just need to remind myself of that occasionally so that I remain patient with myself and with the process.
      • Here I want to be clear, all these steps are to further my end goal of Owning Atira Community, even if it takes decades. I don’t merely wish to learn how to climb the corporate ladder and work my way up another person’s company. I see other companies, careers, and jobs (even my massage work) as real life training to reach my life purpose, and work toward my life goal. I trust that the divine will put people in my life that can help me accomplish that, with the understanding that at some point I may have a job just like they hold now, maybe with the same company, maybe a different company. The company is of less concern to me, the goal of learning what I need to learn and making the money I need to make are of more importance.
      • That which betters me, and helps me help my family and others, is of utmost importance. I want to be the best I can be for my ultimate goal of having a self-sustaining charitable-community/company to better this world in the name of the Divine.
    • I know God supports my end desire, and so he supports my steps to getting there, Everything will come in proper timing and easily for me to acknowledge and carry out. The divine, the universe will provide if I trust.
  3. My vision for my relationship and family is:
    • I love my husband, and want to do better at showing it. He deserves that, because he has given everything he could to me. He has given me the best of himself repeatedly over the last 14 years, and literally saved my life more times than I can count. The challenges I see him face, I know well and I wish more than anything that we both could feel adequate in our familial roles.
    • I still want family- bigger and more supportive than just my husband is able to accomplish. I think it would go a long ways to helping us both feel more adequate, enabling us to relax into knowing there are more hands and more dollars to spare. I know that the people we have attempted that with had similar wishes and desires, but for many reasons not needing stated here, it just didn’t work.
      • I look forward to finding the people that do fit our needs, mesh with us optimally, and have the same desires, and hold the same level of flexibility and forgiveness for general lapses on anyone’s part. We’re all in this game called life, learning how to get through, and mistakes will get made, none of them are the end of the world, but that has to be acknowledged on all sides. The ball can and will get dropped, but someone has to be willing to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together. That is family. Sticking together and helping each other pull up even in adversity, knowing that acting in the good of the family will eventually pay off in furthering the success of the family- be it more love, happiness, success, or prosperity.
        • Sometimes being selfish means finding a way to align your needs with a greater cause. (Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak). I’d love to have a family full of people that can do that.
    • I want to spend more time with my children and have days off, while still making more than enough.
      • As I’ve said several times I would go nuts if I just stayed home with kids, that is my version of aligning selfishness with working for the greater good. Right now that means working 7 days a week and having every evening to be with kids. However, I would love to get to a point in my wage earnings that I could comfortably work 4- 10 hour days and have part or all of the other 3 for kids, I think that is my happy medium-nearly ideal. Because, right now I work 6-10 hour days with a 7th shorter one, and I still count my blessings for the evenings I spend with them, but do get down for wishing I had more time with them. I also tend to have a shorter fuse when I work too many hours, so 4 long days is more manageable than 6 long days.
      • Ultimately that means higher dollar per hour wages and having to let go of something somewhere. God/the universe will help me straighten that one out in time.
    • More cuddle time, and more fun time. This links back to both bettering my relationship with Nathan, and with the kids, and with finding family. It’s hard to do if there’s no time left to do it. My time equation is out of balance at the moment, but when alignment is found, my time equation will balance with time for fun family activities and time for cuddling everyone. I look forward to that.
    • I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the good things and fun times, and realize that I overcame challenges and adversity to help our family have better.
    • I want them to know I ended up being a positive influence in their lives.

And with that I have completed chapter 7 of “The Energy Bus” 17 more chapters to catch up by Tuesday…. if there are more exercises to write down, you’ll get another post from me. Thank you for being patient with me when I’m down, and thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate the support knowing that there are people out there that find my words at least interesting enough to check in occasionally, and the occasional comment lets me know that my process is helping others at times. For that I am utterly grateful.

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

Gud Wryter 2… What to trust.

On May 12th, I wrote my original post “Gud Wryter” discussing my thoughts of what contributes to being a good writer. Since then, I’ve been mulling over related thoughts. It has occurred to me that people without dyslexia don’t really realize the complexity and ramifications of having dyslexia, and some people with severe dyslexia don’t believe that I was able to learn to compensate for having dyslexia on my own. I fall somewhere in the middle, mild enough dyslexia that I was able to figure out ways to compensate for it without extreme interventions, and thus I’ve always gotten along fairly well in school and work environments.

To that end I thought I would demonstrate my level of dyslexia by typing a post without using any spell-check or auto-correct functions. I decided that this would be better suited to a computer, as my android phone tends to put in completely different words when I misspell my intended word. So the following is my unedited writing on my topic today “What to trust.” I’m going to have a very hard time not going back and editing this! 🙂 ….

_______________________________________________

I sit this morning porst route, all up in my head. I’ve learned through therapy that what I’ve aways alled “hamster-wheeling” is really termed ruminations. It’s when your brain mulles over something so much that it builds into being intesne emotion based reswponses, often negative. I’m working with my new therapist on exercises to help break the habbit, and find that its bvery slowly starting to help.

REgardless, this morning I am discovering that I’m having difficulty trusting my intiuition., and runminating a lot. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, 3 posts ago, I wrote about a lvoe interest in my polyamorous world. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have fallen in love with a man I’ve never actually met face to face.

We’ve been messaging for the better part of a year, and it seems to me that he is a wonderful guinine man. However, I’ve had more meaningful and deepre interatcions with pepole in person. Not just a few times, but hundreds of times in my lifetime. So why then, am I falling in love with theis man.? There’s literally no real, life-ecperience reason to be in loe with him. It’s just a bunch of messages, that for most normal people would at best equate to a really good friendship.

Yet, I fele that he has chosen me very carefully and in doing so, opened up some connection that was probably already there. a latent deeper spiritual connection. IS it from a past life, or just something that we are supposed to learn form inthis lifetime? I don’t really know, I just know that for me it is really intense, and seeminlgly out of nowhere and for no reasson.

Nathan, my sonderful supportive husband, is fully aware of our interactions. I’ve shard every interatcion with Nathna and asked his opinion at every step of the way. Nathna has let em vent and air my frustrations and quandaries aloud on many many occaisions. He agrees with me that I am feeling something beyond our interactions. He has helped to calm my fears and talked me through every concern and every moment of feeling like I’m going crazy. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive persn in my life.

Now, I tend to be a spiritual person, as I posted about in my “320 million reasons” post, it sometimes means that I get anggry with god when things dont go as I think they should, but, I do acknowledge that there is a divine presence of some kind. Whatever this force is has always porvided me helpful synchronistic clues when something is important to my life journey.

These clues helped me when I met Nahtna and was falling in llove with him. I got information about his then wife and girlfirend and though I was hesitant to share that information with him, he swares that it helped him through points ofollowing when both his wife and girlfriendd left him in rapid succession. This same source prepared us when Anya’s mom was about to pass away by telling us it was coming when no one else would admit it. This same source helped me through a very trying pregnancy, esnsureing that I had a very happy healthy and supre smart baby. This same source has hekped us find rental homes at times, and has helped me make discisions when I felt like there were not any good decisions to be made.

To be fair though, I don’t consider myself psychic. These messages have only ever pertained to my direct life experiences. I have never gotten intense messages like this regarding other people, and definitely never with strangers.

Now this source is telling me things about this man that I’ve been talking to. It’s been conveying to me through a variety of means, all manner of input regarding this man. I know my intrepretations are leaning in hte right direction, because I’ve always gotten this intense tingly sensation up my spine when I’ve “hit the nail on the head” so to speak. That sensation has always been present, and we’re talking about a decade of divine message intrepretation.

So I’ve gotten that a lot of late. For instance, I know (believe based on these clues)  that he is afraid of ramifications fo being with me in a relationship sort of way, even though he intentionally sought out a polyamorous person. I know that becasue he hasn’t discussed things with his fiance, he’s petriified of screwing things up with his family, because he’s afraid that his fiancee wont agree to being poly. I believe that he might also be concerned about the logistis of a relationship with me. It seems He’s also really overwhelmed and confused over this stragne connection that we share, becasue he has felt it too, but it’s new territory for him. I’ve been told that we’re both having trouble trusting and listening to our intuitions. That ultimately we’re headed the same direction, but htat he’s going extra slow because of all of the confusion and fears. I’ve been shown moments with him in the future, moments that even in being just thoughts bring me great joy. I believe that I even know what he looks like even though I’ve only seen one fuzzy selfie-picture. I have felt him thinkging about me (several times), one of which was validated in a conversation with him later the same day it happened. Also, on several occcaisions I’ve felt his thoughts start out about me and turn toward the fears. Finally, at one point, he told me he’d moved to Norht carolina, and within hours of him telling me that, I got a very clear message that he hadn’t. That it was an unsuccessiful attempt at breaking the connection, he was so afraid of what he felt that he didn’t know what to do ecxept tell me he’d left hte city. The next time I conversed with him, I tried to subtly call that out, and as soon as I did I felt his reaction to  his realization of my knowing: a giant pit in my stomache and he quit talking.

I’ve sent a gaggle of messages since, and all I can think is: please let me in. I want nothing more than for him to admit the elephant in the room, and acknowledge our connection. I know he wants to know how to proceed and what to do, but I don’t think it;s that easy. I think htis is one situation where we won’t know the details until we proceed. I feel like its a one step at a time situation. In this situation the first step I feel is that he needs to admit he is still in KC and meet me. That’s all. Once that happens, one or both of us will figure out the next step. I dont’ have all the answers, but I know that he will be a wonderful part of my future. I look forward to that.

Nathan does too. Hes read our conversations, hes headr my feelings, my anxieties, my thoughts. Hes analyzed all of my synchrnistic divine messages and intrepretations, and he thinks I’m onto something. He says hes even tried to send prayers and energy to this man to help. It all makes me loce my husbadn even more. I couldnt’ ask for a more supportive person in my life. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to even be able to find love in multiplicity, and now I feel like I am on the brink of just that. The feeling of loving 2 poeple is so wonderful. The anticipation is immense. If even half of the images I’ve been shown come to pass, I’ll be on cloud 9.

I feel very deeply, always have, and with NAthan our years together have had chalenges for certain, but I would’nt have had it any other way. Our love has withstood the tests of time and we are still strong in our foundation. Would I cahnge things about our exeriences, or about our helath, Yes, most definitely, but I am ever so grateful that I have had Nathans support in all of my adult life.

Now, I feel that I could have that twice over and it makes my heart expand with joy and gratitude. I want to love this man and support hin in what ever he chooses, be there for him enotionaly. HE just has to let me.

And that is where the runmination and “hamster-wheeling”  catches me up and makes me second guess my intuition. I start thinking that every time he backs away he’s done. That he’s not coming back and that he has ignored everything ad moved on. Those thoughts make me sad and definitely create a negative snowball that overrides my knowing from divine synchronisity. MY human ego based brain for whatever reason wants to override my inner knowing and tell me the worst story ever. It becomes very hard in those moments to believe and trust myself and what I’ve seen and felt.

My therapist is aware of all of these things and I’ve told him about my relationship situation and this man. IT’s on the long list of things I want to gain control of, and so begins the anti-rumination work. Essentially we’ve started with a worksheet that helops to catch the rumination in process and stop the thoughts. So far I’ve used the worksheet’s process twice. Both times it helped to stop the snowball effect. Youd be amazed though how hard it is to catch yourself in automatic thought. Its hard to even catch myself several minuets into ruminating. But I’m committed, I want to be done with depresion, so if changing my diet, changing sllep habbits, chaging exerciese habbits, and doing these thought process homework assignments will solve it, then great- I’ll do all of that and so much mroe. I’m ready for positive things in my life, for my brain to heal, and to overcome all of my challenges- and hopefully that will include the love of another person in my life.


 

So there you have it. That is basically what my dyslexia looks like when I haven’t edited and proof-read something several times over. It’s not a 100% because I did still find myself using the backspace key occasionally (it’s really hard for me not to after years of correcting myself), so there are a few errors that I automatically corrected, but I think this is as close as you’ll get to seeing my true dyslexia. It’s a combination of mis-spelled, mis-typed (because my fingers get ahead of themselves), using improper tenses, and reversing or duplicating letters. I also tend to drop, or use too many punctuation marks. All of these things are what I look for when I am reviewing anything I’ve typed. Usually after 3 or 4 proof-reads I have found most if not all of my errors, and I can consider my typing complete. I hope this helps give perspective on what it’s like to have mild dyslexia.