Tag Archives: relationships

Upside Down

Abraham Hicks has often said to not give a lick what others think. One should live a life that feels good, not try to fit others’ moulds. Happiness lies in being the self regardless of others’ opinions.

My only question in response to that is:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

My early days of school I had two really good friends that I did everything with. Yet, moving because of dad’s jobs crushed that, I was too young to keep up with them without parental assistance, and I am certain they think I just fell off the earth.

I spent all of middle school, at two different schools, being bullied as the new fat kid, and my parents told me to just ignore them and move on. And as a family we did, moving twice more by the middle of freshman year of highschool.

In highschool, it was rough to try and make friends. I figured out I was too smart and fat to be the popular kid, not geeky enough to hang with the science kids, not sporty enough to spend time with athletes, and not dramatic enough to chum with the theatre kids. So since my solace was already music, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in the band or practice rooms. When not there, mostly for lunch hour, I hung with the misfits. Being a small school, there was the pot-head, the 2 pregnant girls, the confederate-flag-flier, the pick-pocket, and about 4 of us that just didn’t fit with anyone else. They were my friends for all of the rest of highschool. I was never invited to parties, picnics, or any other gatherings. If I wasn’t playing in a band function or in class, I wasn’t around other kids. I didn’t even get to date, and when I was old enough to go to prom, I went as a 3rd wheel with the 2 friends from the misfit group that were dating. I was always the odd one out.

College wasn’t any better, transferring schools twice due to financial dilemmas. My roommates freshman year were mostly good people, but one of the 3 had a horrible personality clash with the rest of us. We battled it all year and after I transferred home to community college, I never heard from any of them again. I didn’t go to parties, and only dated one other person before meeting Nathan. Having been set up with that person I gave it a fair chance, 3 dates, and I was horribly unimpressed by our mismatch and gave up.

Nathan was the first person to invite me to anything. He was the first person to genuinely care how my days had gone and what I was up to. He invited me to social functions and gatherings, introduced me to his wife and girlfriend and all of his friends. He met my friends from high school, which at that point were renting space in my mobile home. He even knew some of the people from my highschool from having had met them in other venues. It was nice. We meshed well and he was genuinely interested in me, who I was and what I was about and who I hung out with (even if it was infrequent).

Fast forward to KC. When we got here we landed with people we thought were decent friends. The helped us get here but very quickly got frustrated when our job search didn’t pan out as well as hoped. Finally, one of them got us in with less than spectacular jobs at the school bus, and we were given a short deadline to get our own place.

7 months later Nathan had his hospital journey and I did my best to reach out for help to everyone we knew. Nothing.

By that point my highschool, and our few college friends, were scattered to the winds (and still are). So I really wasn’t surprised they couldn’t help; but I had hoped even some of the newer KC friends would at least give some helpful tips/resources, send some get well cards, or pay a visit. None of them did anything. It was very very frustrating.

On one hand, the sink or swim situation made me stronger and even more capable. On the other hand fumbling through medical and welfare systems and trying to avoid homelessness alone was really shitty. I would have given anything to just have someone to talk it over with.

Later we we met a couple that moved in next door. We got along really well, and we are still friends, but their friendship has mostly manifested in facebook posts and the occasional online invite to a party or gathering. It’s just not the deep friendship I crave.

I also have noted that I seem to screw up the few good friendships I did manage to create.

This very blog started 5 years ago when one friend in our homeschool group gave us an extra trailer on her property to live in. It needed a lot of work and she said that when she gave it to us. I thought I could handle it and started the rehab. 2 years into the struggle I gave up and we moved back to the city, unfortunately never getting that trailer to real usability. It seems to have ended the friendship as she doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It makes me sad, because I really did try. I wanted to make it work in a very significant way, I just couldn’t handle everything that the trailer needed to be a safe home, on top of life itself, and it exhausted me in many ways just trying.

Then the friendship that helped us get back into the city ended in chaotic blame. There was a problem, we may or may not have actually caused. It was something that could have started any number of ways, but we took all of the blame. Every last bit, and there was a torturous splitting of ways that still leaves me hurt. There are so many elements of that relationship that I had hope for, but there were people involved of poor character and I couldn’t tolerate the abusive nature of the one person. It was too much like my father and having overcome that, I was not kind in responses to their behavior. I feel like the blame that was placed on us was unfairly extreme, especially knowing that it could have been caused by other factors, and I had gone out of my way in so many other ways. I had literally spent thousands on supplies, groceries, utilities, and work I had done to make it functional for us all. Yet, not a single ounce of my efforts was acknowledged, only the assumption that I or my family was to blame for the problem. AND Abraham does say often that everything in your experience is your own fault, so whether I directly caused it or not, it was at least energetically attracted, thus my fault I suppose.

There have been other friendships that ended when I quit putting forth the effort, feeling like they were one-sided, and I guess I was right because the moment I quit trying they ceased.

So for the last 2 years we have had no significant interactions. Only the pair that used to be neighbors, and we’ve attended a half dozen of their gatherings.

I told the current office friend:

“BTW: funny, not funny, you have to live. You’re my only actual friend right now. You’re the only person beyond Nathan that has conversations with me outside of my table. … Thank you for caring.”

She replied with friendships aren’t easy and it takes work. I told her I do my best, but it never seems to be good enough. We talked about several other things and she told me it will get better. I hope she is right.

I’m not saying this to be Debbie-Downer or sound whiney. I’m genuinely curious.

On one hand I wonder if I should have let the depression win when I was younger and there wasn’t anyone beyond parents and siblings to care I died. If I had killed myself before Nathan, then it would have been the least impact. As is it, if I ended my futility game, it seems like it would now be a burden to my loving husband and children. That keeps me trying to reach for better.

However, I have reached a place where I’m just tired. Maybe its a little of everything all trying to burry me. Maybe I’m just rehashing old negative patterns. Maybe it’s letting too many other people’s energy or thoughts into my awareness. Regardless, I’m tired of trying to do all the work, tired of always having to improve myself, tired of fighting for better when it doesn’t really seem to matter. I am ready to just give into the loner mentality. Accept that aloof independence like a cat, as after all I have always tended to identify with cats. One doesn’t have to have anyone in their life, existence can be done alone or together, and maybe I am supposed to experience this life from the loner perspective. If that is the case “Resistance is Futile”.

Then again maybe life really doesn’t matter, any way you look at it. Maybe it is a construct created by others to persuade you to keep torturing yourself. If that is the case, there aren’t even very many others in my life to matter. The handful that would care hardly seem worth the struggle, only Nathan carries the pang of regret in that statement.

My life matters to less than a dozen people, and 4 of those would be merely inconvenienced by my not showing up to work. The rest are all family, either biological or via Nathan.

Abraham says that life shouldn’t be effort. That we can find ourselves and our inner being, and thus find happiness without effort. If we do that we will have all of the good things, and supposedly in a fairly consistent flow.

Yet, I find those moments of release and still mind, through effort. The ways that work best for me are mantras, guided meditation, yoga, or doing artwork. All of those require some effort on my part. The extra kicker is that it doesn’t last. The moment I stop doing one of those activities, my brain seems hell-bent on either just hamster-wheeling or heading back to negative. So my meditation feeling wears off fairly quickly.

Very few days, do I manage to stay buoyant, and those days are the ones I manage to keep the hamster on the positive thoughts. It’s not as rare as it used to be, but for as much effort as I have put into it, it doesn’t manifest as frequently as I would like either.

So then pile on top of this, the knowing that I don’t really have any friends, and especially none that can help me pull up, I wonder why I’m here.

Sometimes, I would just like someone to talk to and work through things. Because I struggle to do it on my own, I keep hoping that there would be someone to help. Someone that cared as much as Nathan and maybe was a bit better at helping. Nathan tries, but he either plays whipping boy or tries to over compensate and becomes obnoxiously bubbly happy. Neither really works for me, and I always feel horrible about having hurt him when he turns into whipping boy, even if it is all just verbal. I need the middle road to work out of a hole and reach for better, and in my adult life, that middle road has been found through herbs and mirror work all by my lonesome.

I give my heart to people and genuinely care about them. Will it ever matter?

So yes, my quandary from above:

What does one do when they have done their best to do that, for many years, and have very little to show for it? Specifically in relation to relationships.

I’m doing the work to improve myself, have been for years. I care about others, maybe too much. However, it is not in their opinion of me so much, as I do mostly what I want- I don’t shave, I wear what I want and don’t wear makeup, I work when and how I want, I do jobs that I want, and when I have a chance for recreation or hobbies I do mostly what I want. No, I care as in they are human beings I would like to know, I care that they are getting by okay, I offer assistance when I can, and I am always willing to make time for people I would like to know.

When do I find my reciprocation that makes it all worth it. When do the relationships I desire manifest? When do I align with others that are also doing their best to improve themselves and can honor and respect me for my efforts. I do want those significant others, but I would also love to have genuine solid strong friendships. When will there be people that care about me as a human, as much as I do them?

It’s not whine fest, just an acknowledgement of my law of attraction process and another topic that isn’t manifesting as noticeably as I thought it would have by now. Clarification from Abraham or Shiva is welcome.

May you have your clarifying moments to provide greater understanding. May you find that you have ample friendships and/or significant others. May you feel loved and supported by both humans and God. May you find your inner being in easy least effort ways, and manage to maintain that feeling mostly. May your hamster-wheeling cooperate with you. May you find that you have just the right people in your life when you need a certain kind of pick-me-up. May you have all of the support and guidance you need. May your loneliness always be replaced with a sense of feeling the divine. May you understand all of your challenges. May you know the angels are watching over you, and it is okay to live life upside down, that you will still have everything you want and desire eventually.

Siva Hir Su

Lyrics
Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
'Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (go there)
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Watching people scurry by
Rushing to and fro
Oh, this world is such a crazy place
It's all about the go, go, go
Sometimes life can taste so sweet
When you slow it down
You start to see the world a little differently
When you turn it upside down
I don't care (care, care)
I'm halfway there (no way)
And I'm just soaking up magic in the air
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
You got to slow it down (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And then you pick it up (woa, yey, yo)
Come on and try a little topsy-turvy back
To front the right way round
Take it slow, slow, slow (you gotta pick it up)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (let me see you slow it down)
Hey, yo, yo (tell me something, something)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
I'll tell you what (I'll tell you what)
What I have found (what I have found)
That I'm no fool (that I'm no fool)
I'm just upside down (just upside down)
Ain't got no cares (ain't got no cares)
I ain't got no rules (ain't got no rules)
I think I like (I think I like)
Living upside down (living upside down)
Source: LyricFind

Contrary to popular opinion

My latest notification from the electronic ethers was to listen to this song.

I suspect it is because of yet another negative tangent from my SJ, or someone connected via that channel. I’ve had quite a few messages the last few days that reflect that. I keep reminding myself it isn’t my wavelength, and proceed to refocus on what is in my vortex.

Regardless of whether a person is in my heart or not, on this topic I will not budge, and anyone wishing to be in my life simply has to come to terms with polyamory and any jealousy.

My paradigm includes polyamory for many reasons.

  • I had an ingrained knowing at an early age that you could truly love with more than one person. Being raised by Christian parents, with an ample supply of Disney movies, I was indoctrinated with the concept of monogamy and had convinced myself it was just who you met first.
  • Then I met Nathan. The result: I fell in love with a man that had a wife and a girlfriend. When they left him one at a time, I was already his friend and my love grew for someone going through a rough time in a way that showed real inner strength.
  • We have lived through several partners that took residence in my heart, but didn’t take residence on our mutual journey of life.
  • I have had to acknowledge that love is abundant, it can be everywhere and have many facets and manifestations.
  • I love my biological family, my half brother and my half sister. I also love my family of choosing including, my step-daugther. People that share no or limited biology, yet are my family as much as anyone. They are in my heart fully and completely.
  • Additionally a  knowledge of basic anthropological concepts and human history, means I am aware that the idea of monogamy was instituted by patriarchal societies that wished to own women and keep them in degraded more subservient positons. I am not willing to allow that aspect of owning another person into my paradigm. Women are equal to men and have just as many rights, and I fully KNOW I could never own another human being.
  • Christianity benefitted financially from this concept so much, that it then created rules and reasons to justify monogamy and restrict alternatives. Beyond the fact that Christians refuse to admit Jesus had a wife, (despite multiple sources in support of that) there has even been much contemplation of his missing years and why the texts refuse to speak of those times. It has been suggested that is due to one of many possible reasons, of which non-monogamy and homosexual behaviors have both been suggested.
  • I am also aware that many matriarchal societies had no such requirements, and several ancient societies were very open and accepting of LGBT concepts and polyamory. Chinese culture, as well as Muslim harems, are examples of multiple female households. Also many kings over time and in many countries claimed multiple wives, going from King Tut of thousands of years ago to the Thai King of the 1800’s which “The King and I” is based upon. Additionally, Greeks and Romans both were open to multiple adult households, and even when a primary relationship guided the home, there were often what we modern people would refer to as mistresses or ‘a mister’.
  • Beyond all of these is my sexual identity of being bisexual: I refuse to limit myself because the greater paradigm can’t let go of a stubborn belief based on control and ownership.
  • I am not to be owned or controlled, and I respect others the same. I will never limit anyone in a way that is unacceptable to me.
  • Jealousy is merely a symptom of being focused on your lack of something. It doesn’t matter if it’s jealous of a house, car, other material belongings, or a particular relationship. The easiest way to dispel jealousy is to focus on the things you have that do match the desired thing. So if you are jealous over a partner having another mate, because of polyamory, you just have to remind yourself you have the right to a second mate as well. You remind yourself that your person does love you. You remind yourself that we all have the freedom to choose and the fact that someone stays with you means they chose to be with you. You remind yourself that you love them and you are open to even more love. You remind yourself that you can’t own or control others for any good outcome, and freedom encourages even more respect and trust between partners. You remind yourself of all of the good things that you do have and can have if you want. That will dispel jealousy given enough focus. Practice makes perfect.

Beyond these broad reasons as to why polyamory is a must, I have to acknowledge my direct reasons.

  • Nathan is my first true love, the first person to have a full grasp of my heart outside my birth family. His daughter, my step-daugther, was second. I still love them both with all of my heart.
  • Nathan is a kind and loving man.
  • He is the father of my children and a very good dad at that.
  • Nathan is a good homeschool parent educator.
  • Nathan is very patient.
  • Nathan is very supportive in many ways.
  • Nathan is an excellent house-husband and photographer.
  • Nathan is open and accepting of others and other relationships.
  • Nathan and I both want anything that provides happiness and greater ease in our family.
  • We are able to compromise and work towards common goals even when those goals include multiple people.
  • We both love each other enough to keep reaching for better. Did I mention Nathan is supportive.
  • Nathan and I both look forward to other people to be partners and best friends.
  • I love my husband, the father of my children, I do not own him and never have. Our legal marriage was more for taxes and social security than anything, and we acknowledge a fully committed poly family will require additional legal hoops and documentation to protect all involved and fully committed.
  • Nathan and I mesh really well and get along in lots of ways. We have plenty of common ground and because of that I know he would get along well with anyone I’m attached to. He’s very accepting of a wide array of people as being potential family. It has kept us both hopeful of finding committed partners.

I am not saying that I think others must follow my paradigm. I simply acknowledge that this is what works for me. There is no rightness or wrongness in either polyamory or monogamy. There can be problems with either relationship paradigm. There can also be huge blessings with either relationship paradigm. Polyamory does require better communication, does require good time management, and does require working on any limiting beliefs one may hold.

I will not second guess inspired thought from my childhood when I was much more open to guidance from the divine. If the divine didn’t want me to be polyamorous, then I would not have had that thought as a small child, and I would not have met a polyamorous person so early in my adulthood (19). My personal situation has definitely been divinely guided towards this new and different paradigm and I am strong enough to handle it, all of the ups and downs and everything in between. It has it’s challenges but is most definitely worth it.

Beyond that, I don’t even expect partners to be non-monogamous. I only expect that they honor my relationship with Nathan as all that it is, and make no steps to alter it in anyway. If SJ returns and tells all, comes clean, and is too entrenched in the old paradigm, that is fine- they can continue to restrict themselves as long as Nathan is respected. I wish for anyone in my life to be there because they want to be and it makes them happy, beyond that I am flexible. Day to day life will adjust accordingly and in the flow intended by our alignment.

I always hope that everyone I meet has good days full of happiness and fulfillment. I always hope that everyone I meet finds their alignment to their source, especially knowing it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. I hope the same for those I love and call my family.

May we all have good days full of alignment. May we recognize our moments of divine guidance and understand that God would not put something evil in our path. Those are contradictory elements, God can not control that which is the opposite of divine influence. May you know that you are in alignment enough to know you are generally allowing good God force to flow in your life in a variety of ways. May you know God loves you and see that love in many ways in your life. May you see the many ways that you already love, and the many people that your heart already cares about. May you know you deserve better and that you can have anything that you allow your beliefs to include. May you allow divine goodness more than restrict it.

Siva Hir Su

Throuple or Quadouple?

The lyrics above, I took a screenshot of: Alan Walker’s “Faded”, has been a reoccurring song reminder of my SJ. I do often wonder if that exchange is my own personal Atlantis, and still hope it’s not.

Regardless of that reminder appearing in my day, I had originally set out to write today to discuss a new, but not really new to me, concept.

I was introduced to the word-invention: Throuple.

I got very excited because the person that explained it was a woman I’m attracted to. I was psyched that she knew of polyamory topics enough to introduce a new word to my vocabulary.

So, the word itself I’d never heard before, yet the concept is one Nathan and I have discussed many times over. Essentially, based upon my new search, it’s a variation of the family of 3 concept, started by a somewhat famous/infamous triad of two men and one woman.

Once upon a time “ménage à trois” was the French phrase that many English speaking people used to describe a man with 2 women. Literally the French phrase can mean any family of three, even 2 parents and a child. However for whatever reason it often was innuendo for a triad of adults, usually 1 man and 2 women, being intimate.

Nathan and I were labeled unicorn hunters when we intended to seek that out. After many failures, we decided to redefine our acceptable arrangements and open ourselves to more options.

Fast forward a decade and I’m sitting having a conversation with a very attractive potential mate. She proceeded to describe a Throuple as really any 3 or 4 adults, but her ideal was one or two women and two men because women are more complex than many men. We connected intensely in that conversation.

I explained to her about having been labeled unicorn hunters, and that we opened ourselves up to more options. So, even though I’d never heard the word, we had discussed for many hours over many years, our preferences and okay concessions.

I agreed with this person on most everything and a few of her points made Nathan think more deeply. My current ideal is flexible in quantity, hence creating Quadouple, even quincouple (don’t want to get it confused with the babies’ quintuple). However, I do agree with women being complex enough to need more people to meet more complex needs. Plus there is always benefit to multiples in creating flexibility. The 4 or 5 concept can be subdivided multiple ways, and in varying combinations to create a seemingly unlimited way to experience each other. {A+B+C and D+E, or A+D and B+E with C being alone, and so on.} You get the idea, lots of ways to be together or separate as each individual prefers at any given moment, and it’s not restricted to intimacy, that can even been in mundane interactions.

So yes, I was very excited to have new vocabulary for existing concepts in our experience. I haven’t been able to get that conversation out of my head, and it’s been 3 days since our Valentine’s Day date. Perhaps this is a new leaf enabling more moving forward. I’m hesitant but excited.

Bonus, the date was at a Mexican restaurant that pushed literally every allergy button while getting drunk, but I took extra allergy meds, and came through the experience in relatively good condition. I did have a fair hangover with significant inflammation, but was able to manage the effects with Advil and more allergy medicine and a good amount of detox tea. I was a bit sore in joints the following day, but managed to stay out of the hole I used to fall into.

Beyond our exciting V-Day date, I had a half day off for my family to honor me with a small pleasant birthday celebration, and spent the rest of my weekend unpacking boxes that had been in storage for years. It enabled even more beautification of our new home. It was a good few days, and I look forward to more and more enjoyable days like that.

May you all find good reminders of your hopes and connections. May you find reasons to be excited moving forward. May you find exciting validation of your goals and preferences. May you find people you are attracted to, and whom are attracted to you as well- reciprocation. May you have good dates, fun holiday cerebrating, enjoyable birthdays, and good times with family. May you feel attractive, accepted, loved, and supported. May you fall in love more than out of it. May you know God is helping and guiding you. May you feel confident in everything working out for the best. May it all always be okay.

Siva Hir Su