Tag Archives: relaxing back into myself

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

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This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

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This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Heisenberg?!

So this week has been interesting. Mostly ok.

The activities job wanted me back, but they acknowledged why I changed in the first place and asked me what my realistic request would be to take the position back. I consulted with an acquaintance, my husband, and did the math up one side and down the other. I knew my number was way out of reach. Essentially to take the job back and have a solid day off, they would have had to pay me $24 an hour to compensate for lost massage wages. Since I knew that was way out of reach, I decided I would come down a bit and try to do some of my massage in the evenings to eliminate having to release all of the one days’ wages, but still have a day off. The compromise was still $22.50 an hour. I figured that was still out of reach, but I gave them my honest carefully calculated answer.

Their response was that they appreciated me and would love to have me back, but couldn’t go quite that high. I said thank you and that I understood.

Then today, I had a really good day with a full massage schedule and everyone left with good comments on certain things I had done. Plus there was good tipping to be had. One person said it was the best massage she’d ever had, and another asked me what I put in the oil because it made her so relaxed she felt loopy. She confessed that she doesn’t get massages often, so since she loved it she’d be back, but wasn’t sure when.

As I was telling Nathan about my day, he said so you’re like Heisenberg then.

I replied “Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle?!”

He said “I’m not sure if that’s where it came from, but I was referencing the main character in Breaking Bad when he called himself Heisenberg to have a cool name to use for his cover, so that people would know he’s really good because he knew his stuff.”

I said ok and then explained what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was. Then said aloud, I guess it’s not everyday you hear a massage therapist explain particle physics. Then acknowledged I hadn’t put any brain space into that concept for over 15 years. It was a moment of wow, but damn my brain really does latch onto everything for good.

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Nathan’s show analogy is probably accurate, but in an odd way, even the principle itself kinda applies. Either way you look at it, I know my stuff. I’m good at whatever I give my attention to, and for the first time in my life I’m finally beginning to acknowledge that for myself. That feels really good.

May you all find your moment of self appreciation.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Drawing some sanity. 

After the Saturday concert (the group I played Oboe for), I way over glutened with the cookie reception. I payed for it (see my funny blog from a few days ago) & was hurting fierce.  I tried a new to me medicine & it actually made matters worse. Insta inflammation.  I won’t do that again.

By yesterday I was miserable & taking it out on everyone.  I fell in the hole hard. Nathan didn’t realize what was happening til it was too late & I’d sent a bad text to someone else.  Well damn, hope they forgive me.

I didn’t realize until this morning,  and I’ve spent all day attempting to return to normal.  I’m maybe 80% there.

Of my efforts today.  Detox & drawing were the most time consuming, though I did the drawing mostly from the swing- basking in  the sun naked. It brought me the most piece of mind of all my efforts. 

I still have swollen feet and achy joints,  but my mood is greatly improved. 

So here’s the drawing start to finish. 

The paper:

 Initial sketch:

Starting to fill in: 

Some blending:

Adding more details:

Done: 

Hint: the 2 white characters superimposed on the domes are Telugu script.  A sigil if you will.