Tag Archives: release

Liberating Clearing

I told a client of my current emotional processing of immensely intense stretches releasing deeply held traumas. I said: “It is not for the faint of heart, but that I felt like God was going to smite me if I didn’t do it to the fullest of my ability.”

Between pain, screams of anger at God, intensely deep stretches pushing my own limits, and resulting trauma release responses, especially crying, I feel like I’m making more progress.

My hips are a bit unstable at the moment, and tender doesn’t even begin to describe some of the remnants needing mended. Yet, when I am just sitting I feel more balanced and stable than a week ago.

The process has included many mental image moments that I simply have no idea their true accuracy. The mental images are the closest translation of what my body has been holding.

  • There was an image of a nurse holding me upside down by one ankle (postnatally).
  • There was an image of mom’s belly being so tight from overwork that I was compressed to her spine, in an inability to move fully and properly as a developing baby should.
  • There was a feeling of fear in the midst of a fight, that feeling stirred when an argument hits maximum and you’re afraid of what the other will do.
  • There was a ‘fallen and I can’t get up’ moment where legs felt like they were so tight I simply couldn’t get on my knees and get to standing. (It made me think mom had fallen, but I called her and she’s fine.)
  • There was what I can best call a rebirthing moment. In reality I was born C-section, but I had a fairly clear moment of what it might feel like to be born as my children were, right in the midst of transitioning between hip opening stretches.
  • The neck thing I carry in C1/C2 turned loose as I was working on a spot in my low back. As I was working on releasing the low back L5/SI area, it felt like whiplash had happened at some point. I was wracking my brain for any actual memory of such an event to my lower spine, and all of a sudden clunk in my neck. If the two are truly connected, then the only thing I can place it with is the time I fell on my head off of the end of a slide as a toddler. I’m hoping I released both ends well enough to keep it gone, but have enough experience to know that things are rarely once and done. May I know how to repeat well enough to accomplish full release in as few repeats as possible.
  • There are probably some other moments I’m forgetting, which is likely a good sign.

Anyway, after all of this and more I’m wrapping my brain around elements of pain retention. How our body traps it, not just for us, but for generations. I have been repeating “Heal me and my children as far back as necessary, down to DNA and mitochondria for here, now, through birth and to generations past.”

Then this morning, I was fortunate enough to get a moment of meditation in. I had a strong awareness that I am going to be able to walk away from something soon. In that way that once you really understand something it gets easy. I feel like I’m going to be faced with one of the common topics of my life, for about the last 5 years, and that I’m going to be able to say no easily. The same way that women that have truly worked through abuse can recognize it much faster and refuse it before anything comes of it. It only sort of confused me.

Abraham swears there are no tests and that God isn’t out to get us or punish us. Jesus was fond of similar sentiments.

Yet, there is that momentum thing, when something has been rolling a really long time it takes on a life of it’s own. Some event has to stop that momentum, and sometimes it is simply the measure of knowing ones’ own strength to stop it oneself. Being able to face it one last time and say “nope, not today”, but actually stopping it dead in it’s tracks, not just diverting it. Diversions only slow the momentum, it’ll just keep rolling and eventually cross your path again. No, one must be strong enough to fully and completely stop the ball or assume the impact.

My awareness this morning helps me know that I am strong enough to stop it myself and stay standing. I am not certain which topic it is in regards to, or the details, but I am much more confident in my capabilities to handle whatever it is, and take the higher ground.

May we all have life affirming moments and an awareness of our capabilities. May we all see ourselves as strong enough to stop something with momentum. May we know we are on the right track and heading in the right direction. May we understand our strengths and use those to lift our weaknesses up. May we all process traumas so that we can be more functional, healthy, and help our children heal to stop the parade of generational trauma. Above all, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Letters.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I heard another message. “Write goodbye letters”.

I figured it was intended for those about to leave my world for the afterlife. So then my question was who’s the 3rd, it could be one of a couple people, and none of the options seem good to me. They aren’t people that have lived long happy lives and are ready to go, like my parents claim.

So then my mental response was “I guess I’ll just write to everyone, just in case”, and for anyone I’m fairly certain is staying in this world, I’ll just thank them for everything I can think of.

At this point in the day I’ve accomplished one and I’m about to sit down and work on the rest. I’m betting there will be tears shed.

Additionally, I just finished utilizing the broken furniture from my children’s destructive stress, to burn and release the old, to allow for new to come in. I symbolically added an object that has been on my alter since a little over a year ago, to symbolize a particular element needing let go of. I also added two statues that symbolize the same element in my life. After I finish my letters to family (et all), I’m going to make photocopies of them, to burn for myself in our fireplace. It will help release those elements as well.

It is perfectly fitting of a new moon on the new year. Release the old to be able to welcome the new, in the dark of momma Gaea’s withdrawn lunar phase. The nights of the lunar phase where momma hides the reflection of the masculine sun. There is nothing quite like the symbolism, the momentum, and energy of this moment. It is very soothing and very cleansing.

I look forward to finding out what my new year brings now that I am able to release so much.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. May peace be with us always. Om Shanti.

The fireplace burn goal is for sometime tonight or tomorrow, while we’re still in the new moon phase. The letters will be mailed to the intended recipient as soon as they are complete, so everyone will receive them within a few days.

My other message was too sit back, relax, and wait patiently. Time will tell what the messages and actions of this week meant for me and those I was told to write to: cards, emails, letters and all.

May you trust and know that everything is going to be okay. May you know that you are free to be yourself and all that means. May you know your messages are exactly what was needed and requested by your recipients. May you know every word can carry deeper meanings that you may never know the fullness of. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

26 of 27: Drifting

Sitting
Drifting
On an ocean
Of thought

Flowers
Are better
Fuzzy cat
Purrs
Soothing relief
To strained

Muscles
Neurons
Systems
Burdened
Beyond normal

Limits
Hard to handle
Time spread
Too thin

Taxing
Energy
Invisible internal
Batteries
Lose power
Fatigue sets in

Mental ocean's
Waves
Crash on empty
Thought
Shores

Empty space
Quietly
Soothing
Frayed
Nerves

Invisible
Sunshine
Warms muscles
From within

This mind
Finds vacation
Inside
Whenever
Wherever
Possible

IT simply
Must
BE
Because
Route
To distant
Beaches
Is not
Yet
Possible

Drifting
In the
Mind
Must
Suffice
For now

~ Treasa Cailleach

May you have a vacation when it is needed. May you find ways to honor your own needs no matter what life brings you. May you care for yourself enough to keep going in life. May you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

23 of 27: I Did.

I did
Everything
Plus so much more
There was only one set
Sandy Footprints
All mine

You were not there
No shoulder to cry on
No arms to hold me
No arms carrying me
Nothing felt
No caring love

My legs are
Burning tired
My arms so weak
Lifting anything is
An impossibility

My lungs
Gasping for air
My heart
Aches with saddness
My vision
Blurry fatigued

My mind
Wonders
What I ever did
To deserve
Such wicked punishment

I'm a good girl
Doing my level best
Showing kindness as much
As humanly able

I have given
More compassion
Than I've ever
Eexperienced myself

I have no shame
Doing my best
In such wicked conditions
The shame is God's alone

Where was God
Clear path not shown
Safe path hidden
No shield or sword
To protect me

The beasts attacked
Relentlessly
The plagues and vermin
Taking their toll
Repeatedly

I never went to
The House of the Rising Sun
Drinks few and
Far in-between
I never smoked
Until damage was already done
Now I beg that Cannabis
Heal My wounds

My greatest fault
Swearing
Yelling
In vain
To keep the beasts
Off me
The plagues
Out of me

Now I lay
Scared and
Scarred

My brain
So damaged
I can no longer
Determine
Reality from illusion
Afraid
Sanity is all gone

God promised it was
All okay
God promised
He was on my side

Then why do I
Feel like a
Woman
Raped, beaten,
And scorned
God forsaken
Alone and wounded

~ Treasa Cailleach

9 of 27: Shiva

Lies
Darkest destroyer
Doubts stirred
Chaotic storms
Depression
Depressing senses
Fire and brimstone
Ruin of all
God's wrath?
Or God's fallen angel?
Or extra-terristrial?
Trekking terra firma
Conjuring terror
Fears, Anger, aggression
Shiva you lie
Where's the good?
All destruction
Is followed by construction
Creation
The benevolent forces
Which make sense
Where senseless was
Make beautiful
Where ruins fell
Make new
From old
Where is that side?
Why do you enjoy
Torturing humanity?
When is enough
Enough for you?
Why do I sense you,
Hear you,
See you?
But never receive
Benefit.
Where's the good
Where's the love
I gave
Continue to give
Yet it never
Returns
Where's the dreams
I told you of as a child
I reminded you of
6 years ago
I work harder and harder
For the divine
Doing my best
Honor and respect
For the aspect I sense
What sense have I?
None it seems
Endless service
Endless karmic retribution
My sentence seems
Impossible to
Overcome
A lifetime of
Purgatory
Relief
Merely a carrot dangling
A stick inches too long
Disbelief setting in
Is healing even
Possible
Are miracles
Even real
Maybe you simply
Can't
I'm sorry
If I fell
For fairytales
Hunan's lies
Or were they hopes
Passed on through tales
To ensure we
Never fell
for futility
Archetypes
Purely for
Perpetual
Encouragement
Ants Marching
For all eternity
Life must continue
Even if dreams
Are meaningless
~ Treasa Cailleach