Tag Archives: releasing

Catching Up: 1

Emptying into Thanks

With everything going on and not writing, my body is accumulating the stress too much. Even with all my other tricks, I feel like I have 10 tons piled on my shoulders. It doesn’t help I’ve had all the allergens this week and that too pissed my body off.

That being said I acknowledge that I need to empty in all the ways, and it just takes time. I’m doing my best to accomplish that as usual.

I am super grateful for the help I have received this week.

Both work locations were kind enough to help ensure shifts we’re covered. Shifts at the clinic were so last minute that the office staff just had to call all my clients and reschedule them. I hope the clients are understanding. The other job I tried the phone tree and failed, having to relegate to management to solve my inability to come in.

The homeschool group provided several meals and funds for several more via “MealTrain.com”. One parent sent their teen to help ours wrangle kids on Friday and Saturday, and then the same parent took everyone to the zoo on Monday. Another parent helped with logistics of getting Nathan home after discharge.

The office staff has been very supportive as well. Hugs and genuine concern from everyone has been expressed, and they are encouraging me to care for me too. The chiropractor adjusted me even though his schedule is packed, and the acupuncturist is treating me here in a little while, and her offer stands for Nathan while the port heals. I can’t express how much that means to me.

I am so overwhelmed that I’ve cried on nearly everyone, and those that didn’t get tears could probably tell I was doing my best to hold them in. It’s an odd combination of too much piled on me, but also overwhelming relief because the last time I went through this I had no one. Of course, at that point we only had Anya part time, so my load is 4 times as great now with extra kids, pets and work. Just knowing others genuinely care and want to help is tear provoking. It’s literally the two extremes simultaneously.

Even our poochy has been good. When Nathan got home Zen didn’t jump or hug as usual. He sat to get petted and sniffed Nathan’s incisions and port through his shirt. He knew daddy was hurting bad and was being an extra good dog giving loves without being rough. It made both of us cry.

The hyper sensitivity is getting us, and I’m officially exhausted not having had a recuperation day in a solid month. Questionable moments aside, because we had/have help, I think I will make it through.

For those of you aware and following, thank you for your prayers and support. My world is committed and challenging, but the uplifting energy helps me immensely at times. This is one of several posts to empty my brain, and all comments are welcome, feel free to spread the reading love out. The posts won’t disappear.

May you find your stress relief efforts are adequate. May you have the support you need around you always. May you know you don’t have to carry it alone. May you understand that others care for you and want well-being for you. May you understand the significance of everything. May you give yourself a break, and care for yourself especially in tough times.

Om Shanti

Hello Sun

Thank you God for an East facing window next to a desk just for me.

Last night I used mechanical means to help elevate my mood- mostly herbal/plant based. **(See Below)** Something my father would not have done, no he would have wallowed for days and slept it off not talking to anyone for ages- that or he would have started yelling/screaming over everything.

I am not my father, because I have chosen better. I chose to reach for better and do better no matter what. I choose to make better decisions no matter where I am at, what might have caused it, or why. So, I didn’t withdrawal or yell at anyone, I took my herbal aids and rejoined life.

So, I apologized to God for taking the easy route and used the elevation in mood to reach for the combination of solution for myself. I chose to ignore the cause behind it, because I was certain enough that I already knew the cause. Besides, just because you think you know the cause doesn’t mean you can’t still reach for solution. On the flip side, even if you have no clue what the cause is, you can still reach for the solution. I chose to reach for better, because I know that no matter what the topic is there is always a solution after the fact. It doesn’t matter if it’s disease of any kind, depression, or external stressers and world woes, EVERYTHING has a solution if we choose to reach for it.

So today, I salut the Sun from my office window while I wait for my first client to arrive, knowing that sunshine, a little art therapy, a supplement refill, and some much needed exercise will be large factors in my solution.

This is my new office, I’m still not quite used to it, but I’m getting there.

I have fully moved into it and rearranged a few things several times, including my artwork being reframed. I still stub toes on my rolling stool, and have to stop and think where I put things when I need them, but generally I am starting to settle in.

I do appreciate having more space and an actual desk. It’s already been helpful. I do appreciate having easy access to the ceiling-bar so I don’t hurt myself anymore. I do love the East facing window on sunny mornings. The few cons will dissipate over time, especially once I figure out solutions for them. First is, I really need to find some kind of no-slip stoppers for the table feet, it migrates across the room as I’m working on people. Mildly obnoxious, but relatively easy to fix.

I’m the meantime, I have spent the last 12 to 14 hours reaching for better. At this point my extra herbal boost has worn off, but I’m still reaching. I’m still aiming for good and improvement. I have thought about my beautiful children and my adorable pets. I have appreciated the home which I worked so hard to get.

I have appreciated myself, all the things that I have done and accomplished, despite my angry and bitter father trying to convince me not to. He may have been right about poverty plaguing me for years, but pretty much everything else he got wrong, and it makes me wonder if I gave him too much power on the poverty topic anyway. He was determined that the only way to get through life was follow status quo and do all the things you’re supposed to do. I realized that every single thing he told me not to do, are the things that actually help me feel better and enjoy life. And things he was adamant were ideal, are the things that bring me the most discomfort.

Working hard and having a job in the system are miserable. My art degree and doing artwork are uplifting. The idea of crunching numbers all the time as an engineer would, is horribly boring, mind numbing. Being able to help people every day is uplifting.

Doing the safe, tried and true that society deems as functional may keep you safe and relatively stable; but it’s exhilarating to acknowledge that I have supported an entire family, on my own, when it was risky, when I was supposed to just go get a job, when what I was doing could have failed miserably. I kept a family afloat when everyone around me wanted to convince me it was foolhardy and unsustainable.

I have worked as a massage therapist for 13 years, when my class was instructed the career-life of the average massage therapist is 5 years. I help people everyday with things when their doctor told them they’d just have to live with it. I help people even when they refuse to let go and make my work difficult for me.

Beyond that I help outside of massage. I’ve made and donated signs and artwork of a variety. I’ve supported food banks and homeless shelters. I’ve donated belongings to charitable organizations. I helped my father escape a hospital when he doesn’t want to be in the system anymore. I am currently helping Autumn regain her footing in life, including transportation, setting up appointments and doing my level best to help her with emotional support and pain management. And though my reader base is small, I know I’ve helped at least a few people know they aren’t alone and that anything can be fixed if you allow God to help you see the solutions. I know my words have helped being some understanding and some relief too this crazy world of ours. I know my words generally help people see how to reach for better and know they aren’t alone.

My failures and missteps have given me lessons to learn and grow, and my words help others learn those lessons more gently. My father may have created an environnement of abuse and damage that caused many long-term problems for me, but I turned those problems into lessons for myself and everyone. I learned from them and grew and have shown everyone they can do it too.

I have chosen to learn things just because I find value in them, and I know I can learn anything that I want to. The bonus is God has my back and guides me to knowing which things are best for me. When I feel good, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do, even when it doesn’t make sense at the time.

We all are in this boat together. If you are having these same/similar realizations, then please know God wants us to succeed. The fate of humanity lies in us being able to maintain our connection and work together for solutions for all. No matter where you are, what you are doing, where you think you are headed, always reach for better and reach for solutions. Humanity needs us to do that more than ever.

I know that we can do it. We have already broken down so many of the old dysfunctional beliefs and paradigms. Just because they said this or that, doesn’t mean it is true for us. When they realize that their ways no longer apply, they will probably all exit, and that’s okay. There no reason to keep pummeling new generations with outdated, useless beliefs and paradigms. Humanity needs to learn and grow and reach for better and many of those old ways prevent that. We all must focus on the solutions that allow for goodness and growth for all of human kind. Only if something supports humanity as a whole should it continue. It is time that the light wins and we get our lives back. It is time for the solutions that enable living wholly and completely.


May you see your solutions easily. May you know what to reach for and how to put solutions into place. May you see how to come together with others to create lasting relief for everyone. May you see that even after something seemingly negative there is always a solution to be found. May you see that you can do anything and there is no need to hide from anything, there is no need play it safe. If you stay connected anything you do is safe. May you understand God supports you. May you know you are loved and that all learning lessons are good lessons, and that you can learn anything you want to.

Siva Hir Su


**=… … This is purely my own suggestion based on what I do for myself, and though I’d love to be compensated for it, I currently am not. … … I highly recommend several supplements as solutions for managing systemic depression, as often (but not always) depression is a symptom of mechanical failure within the brain and/or body. Those would be: A good methylated B-complex at high doses, magnesium- dose may vary, fish oil – also at large doses, Adrenal Caps by Solaray especially if stress is a factor or cause, CBD oil and/or cannabis products. These are all good for general causes of depression. Oftentimes hormones or thyroid play a role and you’d want to address those as well. … … My current favorite general booster is “Free and Easy Wanderer” tea pills available from MayWay, I have to take a lot when I really dip, but if I take enough it’s way better than any prescription antidepressant that I’ve ever tried, and the bonus is that I don’t have to take it every day- only when I drop, it also doesn’t have any side effects that I’ve noticed.

It’ll get there.

One of my residents is Mrs. Complaint. She finds a way to complain about literally every little thing. I’ve discovered that it’s because she used to be in charge of things and now has nothing to fill her time.

I told her today, “It’ll get there, just give it time.”, when she she was expressing frustration over her puzzle. I followed it up with “it will eventually become clear”.

It’s amazing to me the echo I hear sometimes. I’ve told myself those very same things.

Yet, when I tell myself I feel like I’m a liar, but when I tell others it’s in knowing the truth behind the words.

How is it I can know the truth for another but second guess myself and get stuck on my own thoughts? It happens so frequently sometimes that I wonder what time warp I am in.

Maybe I’m just being like Mrs. Complaint and really I just need to make up an excuse to think about other things for a bit. Or even just think about those things differently. Of course, I give that a try to just cycle back around to my worries, frets, and frustrations.

I know I’m doing much better, but I would so much like to fix my broken record player. Or even just have it get stuck on more constructive helpful thoughts.

Perhaps that’s just a little more practice away from happening.

For now, in this moment of recognition, I choose to give myself the love that I’ve given to those others holding pieces of my heart. I may not be able to completely reclaim those pieces, nor do I really want to, but I can chip away at healing by loving myself just the same.

May you find your broken record stuck on love of self. May you feel the knowing of time healing all wounds, and may you release the worries, frets, and frustrations, a little at a time, to find moments of peace.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Sort & eliminate….

The shipping container idea has gone nowhere.  No responses,  nada, zip, zilch, none. I find it interesting that I have 2 grand I’m willing to give someone in cashiers check,  money order,  cash even- as long as I get something I can turn into a home. Yet nothing.  It’s just not shaking out. I’m not giving up yet,  but it’s becoming increasingly evident that I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere Missouri, and for whatever reason nothing,  absolutely nothing, is cooperating with me.

So plan, whatever letter I’m on….

Work on downsizing.  Assuming that the shipping  container will eventually manifest, I’ve acknowledged that we still possess far too much stuff to fit in said tiny home. & even if something bigger & better happens, we still have more stuff than we’re using or which I desire to move again. Also, most of what is in storage hasn’t been used in 16 months anyway, so obviously that stuff wasn’t needed. 

So, I’m using my current set of days off to remedy that.  We’ve ploughed through our storage unit separating trash, from items we really want (or that have gone in & come out of storage with changing of seasons), and from things others could use.

Where we started: 

We’ve trashed a lot.  We’ve set-up a garage sale at the unit & so far we’re about half way through the weekend and I’ve only sold a little furniture.  I wasn’t  expecting to make a lot of money,  I have yet to do so off of yard sales ever.  I was merely hoping stuff would disappear with a minimum of effort & get a little fun money in return.

Regardless, the items that don’t sell will get dispatched with. Donated to thrift, books to half priced books,  there’s a few comic books & specialty  game cards that the Vintage Stock store might take. Otherwise, I’ll take anything else to the dump. I hate being wasteful, but if no one else will claim it,  then trash it is.

As of right now the storage unit is much more sparse.  Only our camping stuff,  Jennifer’s 4 giant monstrosities (piano, deep freeze, cast iron stove, and grain bin), & Nathan’s big pile of photographic supplies/equipment. 

Nathan’s pile is 13 totes 3 small boxes & 2 pieces of large equipment. He swears he’s going to follow suit & thin the herd. That’s a lot of thinning to do, & 30 years of attachment to things I rarely see him even handle. I hope he is as successful as we’ve been with everything else.

To be fair & honest, we’ve both collected a lot over the years.  Him 30+, me 15+. We’ve also combined parts of 4 homes together: Nathan’s farm house (from when he was married to Anya’s mom), His Ex-Girlfriend’s house from the same period, my apartment from that period, and Anya’s mom’s house after she died. Now, in each instance we purged a lot,  but anything that seemed useful, neat/cool, or “pretty” was kept.  Probably what should have happened is donate everything from at least 2 of those houses, & part of Nathan’s and my previous homes. There would be less this time around.
But that’s life right.  Live & learn.  Collect things & information & figure out what’s actually useful or not. We just seem to be a little slow on the uptake. 

So, here I sit in 90 degree heat, enjoying the windy sunny day from inside the storage unit hoping someone will alleviate my need to haul things off.

Photo time: 

Left to right: camping stack, photo stuff stack, back corner deep freeze & grain barrel (with the legs to my drawing table on top), cast iron stove,  piano with my drawing table in front. 

There are a few miscellaneous items & 2 easels hiding in there,  but that’s really all that’s left.  The few boxes on top of the piano are either empty or already sorted.

View of inside from outside: 

The big ceramic piece next to my seat (behind the dolly & empty boxes) is going in our garden later today. It’s called T&A and was done by a friend of Nathan’s.  I’m certain it will stay with us for life. 

Outside view: 

All going away, no matter what. 

 There’s a tractor pull in the town our unit is in (literally about 1/2 mi away). Cross your fingers that people come alleviate me of stuff when the tractor pull wraps up!