Tag Archives: respect yourself

Where’s the magic? Revisited.

I thought about the end of the new reboot of She-Ra. I won’t spoil it except for noting that her reason to stay, to fight, was the magic of love. It was enough to conquer overwhelming odds.

Yet, just two posts ago, I wrote of the magic of our world and how it is missing (and in some cases being manipulated).

There is the magic of focused thought and the magic of love. Both can move mountains and change the world. Both are obviously absent in the majority of the masses.

Fast forward to this evening. I had a long winding thought journey to get away from external influences. I knew I was being triggered by others again, and was pretty sure of the sources. I’m not going to rehash to journey because I made it through. I cleared the vibration and found my alignment.

My results are, that like She-Ra, I am willing to stay and use all of the magic for good if the magic of love is evident. I know I can overcome fairly overwhelming odds already, I have done it for myself and my family many times over.

Now, I acknowledge that I am deserving of better. I am deserving of those in my world honoring and respecting my being, fully and completely. I am deserving of love shown and focused magical thought from those around me. I am deserving of people that have worked on healing themselves as diligently as I have worked on myself (eliminating addictions and excuses). I am deserving of being surrounded by authentic people who are fully honest with me about who they are and what they feel (I have always been able to tell when someone is lying and there’s some serious truth serum needed in my experience). I am deserving of an accepting environment, where everyone is safe to be themselves and grow on their own journey. I am deserving of a space where people unable to meet those qualities, simply don’t involve themselves, we simply no longer connect and attachments dissolve.

I am so deserving of better things/people in my experience for myself, that I am willing to fully and completely let go. I can stay, or I can go. Whatever God’s guidance dictates. If my current experience can deliver the goods, so to speak, then I will stay and wait for the reveal. If my current experience is unable to deliver, then I will do whatever God’s choice is, including exit life willingly.

Sometimes in our journey we collect so much junk, straight up crap, from sloppy thinking, that the good would be more easily found via exit from current life experiences. I believe my father is there, and honestly keep praying that he relax enough to get that and facilitate that. I believe that is also why, despite efforts to keep elderly alive during Covid restrictions, they are all still checking out (en masse without catching the virus). The more walls on their path, the easier it is to see the only option really is OUT. At that point they just relax enough and it’s done.

I know I have collected a lot of junk over my 37 years of doing and living for others and by others rules and obligations. So, I am honestly not sure where my solution lies. I’m still waiting for the next step answer.

What I do know is that in many aspects in my life, I am certain that I no longer owe anyone anything, nor do they- I.

I have helped many people in many ways, and a large group of them got to take the lazy route because I took responsibility for the load at that moment.

Now it’s my turn.

I deserve better and I have never really been a lazy person, so I think I deserve a taste of what lazy looks like. I deserve enough resources and support to see what lazy is really like. I deserve to see more of the good in this world, here where I already am and everywhere. I deserve more love expressed, from more than just my husband, and if it’s impossible with my current junk, I accept exit.

I leave the decision up to my higher self and God. I love me no matter what the answer.

May you know 100%, your deservedness and your love for self. May you know what you desire. May you be honored and loved in multiple visible ways. May you get to experience all the moments you desire. May you know that you owe nothing to no one, and no one owes you anything either. May you feel your connection to the divine and your positive vibrational alignment. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

I didn’t realize.

I don’t know if it was the adjustment to my Om Shanti mantra practice, or if the chaos subsiding was enough to let in messages. All I know is I’ve had one.

I’ve heard of references to “downloads” and I suppose this would fit. For me it’s more like my mind is keenly aware of certain moments or memories and how they fit together. Just like when you are placing puzzle pieces and you have the “AH, That’s where it goes” moment.

I was not aware that I was accomplishing what others would deem impossible or near impossible, but that is the message I got.

I was having a conversation with someone that has had dealings in the drug world and is doing their best to get back to clean living. They were explaining how hard it is to get by in this world, and expressing exasperation over the difficulties. They explained that when they were dealing drugs they were bringing in 5 to 6 grand a month and it was not really enough for their situation, but they also said that their previous acceptable clean job topped out at about 3 grand a month and that was when they were married and had a two income household.
They were essentially explaining how expensive it is to live in America right now and meet the demands of just regular survival.

A long while later, I remembered a conversation with my father where he pointed out that he was making $55/hour when we were kids. I had simply responded that is what I make, but I can’t handle 40 hours a week of hands on time, so I don’t draw the full salary that he did. It’s also why I keep doing other things on the side to supplement my massage income, and thus work constantly.

My “download” showed me that my father was a salaried engineer with benefits, and he couldn’t afford to keep us in a solid safe home, our home was a mobile-home trailer. He could never figure out finances well enough to do many of the things I have done. He had spent a massive amount of money moving our family all over the Midwest chasing the next best job that hardly ever actually was. When he wasn’t spending money on moving us, he developed a porn addiction and racked up thousands of dollars in credit card bills which caused conflict when mom had to try and pay them off more than once.

Then this new conversation, the person is a single person living in the same area that I am. They too can’t make 5 grand go far enough. They are only supporting themselves and still have nothing to show for it. No savings, a repossessed car, and nothing to catch their fall.

Now, I don’t really have anything to catch my fall except myself and God and $250 in stocks. But it’s been enough for a decade, and I’m going to trust it will continue to be enough.

I have however supported an entire family on what I make for 11 years, even though that family has grown. When that journey started I was making less than $25,000/year. I currently make about the same level of income that the ex-drug-dealer was bringing in, topping out at about $5500 on a good month. Yet I have bought a good solid safe home, I have managed to find us a really good second vehicle and keep our first old car running. I keep my kids clothed and the whole family fed. I keep the utilities on and running. I even manage to get basic entertainment and holiday decorations for my family covered, and every once in a while we get to eat out. AND I still offered a room in our home to a woman that needed it, free of charge until she can get her normal back.

Now, I have on several occasions put too much on credit cards, and had to spend awhile paying them down, but I did, and it was never because of an addiction. I have also spent most of my adult life relying on second hand thrift stores for much of our necessities, but I’ve gotten really good at finding the beautiful gems in the sea of well worn and tattered choices. AND I only relied on government assistance the first year after Nathan was diagnosed with his heart stuff.

I have and continue to support myself and 5 other people, on what two others told me was not enough. I have always known that our budget was tight. I have always struggled to try and find a few more dollars here and there, hoping it would enable me to be able to fulfill desires for someone in my family. I have worked as hard as I simply could, to be able to make things better for my family in any way I could figure out.

And mostly I have. Our home is beautiful to me. I love it a lot. It’s not my dream dome, but it is very literally the best home I’ve ever had. I am so very grateful to be able to go there every night and sleep in a comfortable bed, knowing my entire family is safe and comfortable. I am so grateful that it is the safe reprieve for my family, and that they can do all of the things we call a part of life from there. I am grateful that my children are being educated there, and avoiding all of the covid nonsense affecting public education. I am grateful that I have managed to supply TV’s and toys for my family and kids, it keeps them entertained through long days of Covid restrictions and bad weather too.

I am grateful for all of it, and I know that there are certain elements that God did help me with. God guided me to the right choices and when my patience wore thin, I would always get a break or a boost from somewhere. I wish I was able to allow more, I would love for bigger relief and less work, but I am very grateful for what I have managed to allow.

On top of it all, I have slowly chipped at healing myself. Only Nathan by my side to help (worthless doctors only pretending to). Again, I’m not fully there, and wish I could find a way to allow more. BUT, I have still accomplished a lot. When you consider my aforementioned financial hurdles and accomplishments, and then layer on top of that that I have mostly overcome debilitating depression, given birth to two children at home, and slowly rebuilt my body- I really should be congratulating myself more. I know that God has helped me with that too. God has guided me to try supplements or having conversations with people that fill in blanks and answer questions I needed answers to. God had given me the gift of Reiki and some nights it turns on and works for me without any effort. God has helped me find pain relief and enabled me to work in a clinic similar to my dreams, so that I had access to even more tools to improve me health. I’m not an Abercrombie model, I’m not a professional athlete, but I am pretty damn healthy and strong considering the challenges I have faced my entire life. I know I still have a ways to go, but my recent “download” made it clear that I need to appreciate how far I’ve already come.

I have kicked some major ass in both finances and health, and with no one but Nathan supporting me. He did his best too, sometimes that was a bigger challenge for him because of his health journey, but he has stuck by me. Not only has he been there for emotional support, but he has followed my lead and everything that I try to do, he puts equal effort into. If I change my diet, or exercise regimen, he matches suit. If I note something is imbalanced in finances and we’re having trouble keeping up, he helps me figure out how to make the scales balance again. He puts as much effort into everything as I do, and for that I am utterly grateful. I love you Nathan.

May you see your accomplishments. May you understand how far you have come. May you see your value to others. May you see that you are successfully doing your best and setting a good example. May you understand that God is as appreciative of us as we are of the divine. May you find ways to allow even more and even better into your life.

Om Shanti.

2 Things:

No Love at the King

In the house buying process, there are moments where you set appointments and everyone has to show up to accommodate.

One such moment, we ran very early. Unusual for us, being we’re usually a few minutes late, but it necessitated finding someplace to burn 30 minuets. Burger King was our only available answer.

I haven’t had fast food at all in over 2 years, and it’s been probably 3 years since I’ve set foot in a Burger King.

We ordered fountain drinks and a small bite to eat. I got as close to my needs as BK had available. Our “meal” cost all of $6.00.

As I went to get my drink of choice: tea; I discovered that there was no unsweetened tea available. I went with raspberry tea, because though it’s been a while, I thought I knew what to expect.

We sat down and proceeded to consume our time and our food.

I took one sip of the tea and nearly gagged from it’s overly sweet consistency. It was far sweeter than I remembered raspberry tea being. Then I took a bite of my food and I could taste the extreme amount of sodium in it. It also tasted just horrible to me.

I should have immediately spit it out and thrown the rest away.

Did I?


Two reasons:

First, I suspect that the short span of time the food was in my system was just enough to trigger the old patterns of addiction. My brain launched the familiar chemical storm response to an old, well ingrained trigger. As I’ve said before, there’s a reason they’re called addictions.

Secondly, I was trained very well from an early age not to be wasteful because there are people in this world starving. I had the luxury of buying such a meal, I should not waste it.

So yes, between the two I consumed most of what was in front of me, only dumping half the drink down the drain.

Feeling dirty, I then looked around and realized that the whole environment was like my meal. I saw all the dirt, the uncleaned surfaces, the dingy decor, the burnt out lightbulbs. The visually unappealing environment was nearly depressing.

I realized there was no love at Burger King.

No one had put any love into any aspect of this experience.

No one had made the food with loving care. No one had cooked the food with loving care. No one had served the food with loving care. No one had cleaned with loving care. And evidence of litter on the floor and on tables indicated that patrons had shown no loving care either.

I felt that was the reason that fast food was so hard on as person’s physiology. I also felt sad that this moment was evidence of millions of people’s daily existence. I wished for better for everyone.

I sent a prayer as we left to head to our nearby appointment.

My prayer started with a request for the food to impact my system in the gentlest way possible. Then I prayed that those millions of consumers find the love for themselves and God. That our society finds a way to show the love more and respect each other in every way, even down to cleaning adequately.

Show the love, even or especially when you work somewhere that you could just get by with a minimum of effort.

Western Medicine- Please Acknowledge:

Just because studies document averages, doesn’t mean we are all average.

I’m one such person, breaking pretty much every widely accepted norm. I am not average.

My thyroid personal-normal skirts the high side of the acceptable range of function.

My body wants an hour or more of exercise nearly every day. One day off is okay, but 2 or more and my body starts down a slippery slope that becomes difficult to stop.

My body does not tolerate many foods that are considered normal healthy foods for average people. Nightshades are a perfect example, but also chicken, turkey, beef, pork, walnuts, and nearly every grain. For any average individual, any one of those foods may be okay, but my body no longer tolerates them.

My body needs more fluids than the average acceptable intake. I drink a minimum of a gallon a day, usually quite a bit more.

My health puzzle has found many solutions that are not pills, but work quite well if I am able to maintain them.

My blood sugars are indicators of my puzzle pieces falling out of place, not true disease. When I keep my puzzle completely together my glucose numbers are perfect all the time, without medical intervention.

My body is ultra sensitive to changes that are not for my highest benefit. Simple as that.

Please, please acknowledge that some of us are unique, different, and the average solution is unnecessary and perhaps hazardous. That’s all.

This ultra sensitive unique person will continue to work on myself and my puzzle, which often includes blogging while on a treadmill, just like right now!

May you feel the love in every way, especially your food experiences and health journey. May you find everything you need and desire and have an easy path. May information always come when you need it. May your health providers work with you as an individual. May we all find our puzzle and the love and fortitude to keep it together.


Siva Hir Su