Tag Archives: self-awareness

Acknowledging self

Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

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This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

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This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Creatively pesky-tarian?

That’s the best title I can come up with for the range of things I wanted to write about. I’ve had several things come together that seem drastically different.

The creative comes in with a continuation of playing with my new computer. Last night I sat down for just a few minutes to explore the paint program. I actually have 2 choices: Microsoft Paint 3D or Corel Painter Essentials. I chose to explore Essentials, and had so much fun. I didn’t do much of a picture, again just getting my feet wet. But it was enough to know the program’s potential.

The pesky-tarian comes in, because the results of several weeks of educated guessing boils down to becomming a pescatarian.

I’ve been struggling with high sugars since I was at the previous job, but had assumed it was because I was being exposed repeatedly to my known allergens. A simple cause and effect I already knew of. Yet, after changing positions and cleaning up my diet quite significantly, I was still having trouble. However, the trouble had dropped to just being my fasting numbers, my daytime reads were normal to occasionally low. So I knew it was something about my dinners.

After trial and error over several weeks: changing things, adjusting portions and times, making note of meal choices; I finally think I’ve solved my latest puzzle.

There was definitely a connection between portions and time, if I ate too much too late it would definitely cause higher numbers. I already knew that from pregnancy, but I was perplexed that it wasn’t a complete solution. I was missing something somewhere. I became meticulous about the what of my meal choices, and began to notice a pattern. Meat was causing higher numbers. Just when I ate chicken, turkey, or beef (a rare occurrence).

After consulting with the internet and one of the practitioners at the clinic, hypothesis is Lone Star Tick disease. She confirmed that she has a couple of clients with confirmed diagnosis of such concerns, so it’s within reason as a possibility. Especially since I spent 2 years surrounded by cattle and poultry, and having known I was bitten by a variety of ticks. I could pay for bloodwork to confirm diagnosis, or I could just eliminate the concern. Especially since I have documented cause and effect enough to know for certain I am having a typical-for-me reaction.

So, I begrugingly chose the latter. I’m now a pescatarian. Yet after a week off of meat, I’m feeling much better. I’m struggling with inflammation less, my numbers are consistently coming down, and even my exposure to gluten on Sunday was far less noticeable to my system: I still got my telltale sugar spike and red bumps on my face, but the bumps are clearing up twice as fast. That I am very appreciative of.

So, I take the trade off of only vegetable, fish, or egg protein, for much better overall health. I can live with that.

Finally, I wanted to note a realization from work. One of the things I love about being a massage therapist is being able to feel muscles and people relax. It’s why I work slow. I realized the other massage therapist works fast because he likes to see the muscles relax, he can watch range of motion improve with each stretch. I’m familiar with that concept, but I prefer the tactile aspect of holding a tight muscle and feeling it’s sigh of relief in relaxation. It’s more a note of self-awareness. It is just an aspect of me, perhaps because of my recognition of my hands doing God’s work. I like to feel things through my finger tips, I like creating things with my hands. Massage lets me do both: feeling the change in creating muscle relaxation. I also really enjoy feeling the energy flow of Reiki, that’s an extra level of wonderful sensitivity.

So, I leave you today with the following well wishes: May you have your moments of creative happiness. May you find solutions to all of your health concerns, and may you see the aspects of yourself that bring you joy.

Siva Hir Su