Tag Archives: self-awareness

Acknowledging self

Even though I have my moments where I feel like I’m a hot mess, the last few days have helped me to see more of my value.

My down slump was caused from pre-cycle hormones bumping up against bitter cold weather and fighting off a head cold gleaned from a co-worker. Despite a nasty combination, I only went into hiding one day.

I blasted my immune system with my classic combo of Vitamin C, Colloidal Silver and Olive Leaf. In larger frequent doses it always works, and I don’t have to deal with the unpleasant taste of oregano. Today I only have remnants of sniffles.

All while this was going on I still managed to do my job. Still managed to go look at homes for sale, filed for mortgage approval, and found a possible home that we’re crossing fingers will go through and become ours soon. (Prayers welcome).

In the process I discovered that a government debt I paid in full in September, which had already been removed from my TransUnion records, was still showing in Equifax. I submitted a dispute which was returned as invalid because there was an unrelated debt agency saying I still owed it.

When did credit bureaus start favoring debt collectors? I’m sorry, but bureaus like TransUnion and Equifax were supposed to be unbiased agencies that made sure information was accurate.

If I tell Equifax a debt has already been paid and removed from my TransUnion report, and that was the basis of my dispute. Then why on Earth would they take a third party debt collection agency as correct. They should have verified with TransUnion, or the original debt which is a government agency. It boggles my mind that my written statement of it having been cleared including necessary pertinent information was completely disregarded.

So today, I fully intend to ream someone verbally to ensure that shit gets fixed. 2 months after the fact I should not be having to fight for Equifax to report correct information. At what point is our government going to hold Equifax truly accountable for all the damage they keep perpetrating on the American people. Data breaches, incorrect data processing, favoring 3rd party agencies, this shit has to stop. Equifax needs disassembled. Just sayin’.

Anyway, rant aside, I also had moments of self acknowledgment yesterday working on clients. Between discussions including my birthing stories, a client thanking me for the nudge to change her diet (which worked completely), and even moments where I spoke on random knowledge I have (home improvement and things like conductivity of certain metals). I was able to step back momentarily and really see my intelligence and how it helps others and even myself in a wide array of ways.

It’s not often I even see that part of myself being so self-critical, but yesterday not only did I recognize it, I even took a moment of self-appreciation. It felt good.

I also had a moment of great appreciation for my work environment right now.

I had just gotten a regular adjustment (Tuesday or Saturday- my days are blurring together again) because my neck and shoulders were tight. Tight almost always means an adjustment is called for, so that day the owner-chiropractor adjusted me. It was indeed needed and felt very relieving. I was appreciative.

But like all humans I occasionally do something stupid, and yesterday morning was as such. In my rush getting into the car to head to work, I clobbered my head on the doorframe of the car. I literally heard and felt the crunch in my neck, and thought ‘so much for that adjustment I had, I’m going to regret that later’. By the time I arrived at work I conceeded I did need another adjustment. I admitted my folly and asked if that would be possible and the other chiropractor said certainly. My schedule didn’t actually allow for time to accommodate it until the end of the day, but once accomplished I felt great again. Bonus, the acupuncturist gave me 30 min on her Beamer and I felt spectacular. It was very needed and I’m very grateful he was able to accommodate second adjustment in less than a week.

May you all have moments of self-awareness and self-appreciation. May you all have adjustments you need and good health. May the universe be kind to you when you have your human moments of folly. And may you have good credit and agencies that diligently report accurate information.

Siva Hir Su

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

________________________________________

This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

________________________________________

This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

Creatively pesky-tarian?

That’s the best title I can come up with for the range of things I wanted to write about. I’ve had several things come together that seem drastically different.

The creative comes in with a continuation of playing with my new computer. Last night I sat down for just a few minutes to explore the paint program. I actually have 2 choices: Microsoft Paint 3D or Corel Painter Essentials. I chose to explore Essentials, and had so much fun. I didn’t do much of a picture, again just getting my feet wet. But it was enough to know the program’s potential.

The pesky-tarian comes in, because the results of several weeks of educated guessing boils down to becomming a pescatarian.

I’ve been struggling with high sugars since I was at the previous job, but had assumed it was because I was being exposed repeatedly to my known allergens. A simple cause and effect I already knew of. Yet, after changing positions and cleaning up my diet quite significantly, I was still having trouble. However, the trouble had dropped to just being my fasting numbers, my daytime reads were normal to occasionally low. So I knew it was something about my dinners.

After trial and error over several weeks: changing things, adjusting portions and times, making note of meal choices; I finally think I’ve solved my latest puzzle.

There was definitely a connection between portions and time, if I ate too much too late it would definitely cause higher numbers. I already knew that from pregnancy, but I was perplexed that it wasn’t a complete solution. I was missing something somewhere. I became meticulous about the what of my meal choices, and began to notice a pattern. Meat was causing higher numbers. Just when I ate chicken, turkey, or beef (a rare occurrence).

After consulting with the internet and one of the practitioners at the clinic, hypothesis is Lone Star Tick disease. She confirmed that she has a couple of clients with confirmed diagnosis of such concerns, so it’s within reason as a possibility. Especially since I spent 2 years surrounded by cattle and poultry, and having known I was bitten by a variety of ticks. I could pay for bloodwork to confirm diagnosis, or I could just eliminate the concern. Especially since I have documented cause and effect enough to know for certain I am having a typical-for-me reaction.

So, I begrugingly chose the latter. I’m now a pescatarian. Yet after a week off of meat, I’m feeling much better. I’m struggling with inflammation less, my numbers are consistently coming down, and even my exposure to gluten on Sunday was far less noticeable to my system: I still got my telltale sugar spike and red bumps on my face, but the bumps are clearing up twice as fast. That I am very appreciative of.

So, I take the trade off of only vegetable, fish, or egg protein, for much better overall health. I can live with that.

Finally, I wanted to note a realization from work. One of the things I love about being a massage therapist is being able to feel muscles and people relax. It’s why I work slow. I realized the other massage therapist works fast because he likes to see the muscles relax, he can watch range of motion improve with each stretch. I’m familiar with that concept, but I prefer the tactile aspect of holding a tight muscle and feeling it’s sigh of relief in relaxation. It’s more a note of self-awareness. It is just an aspect of me, perhaps because of my recognition of my hands doing God’s work. I like to feel things through my finger tips, I like creating things with my hands. Massage lets me do both: feeling the change in creating muscle relaxation. I also really enjoy feeling the energy flow of Reiki, that’s an extra level of wonderful sensitivity.

So, I leave you today with the following well wishes: May you have your moments of creative happiness. May you find solutions to all of your health concerns, and may you see the aspects of yourself that bring you joy.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Pause.

I’m having a series of redefining moments.

It started with the guy at work. Very intelligent, very handsome, but because he’s just gone through a divorce he’s in player mode. I’ve discovered that’s a huge turnoff for me. He’s literally thrown himself at all the women, with exception of the lesbian and the woman that threw herself at him first. It’s very unbecoming.

It’s one thing to explore to define what you want and are interested in. It’s entirely another to be outwardly vocal about playing the field and throwing around innuendo like candy.

The former I can respect because: if you didn’t honestly know, and needed a few experiences to point you in the right direction, but were able to utilize that to focus in a specific direction, then great. Sometimes, if you’ve never experienced certain things, but find them intriguing, then you do need to give it a try to see if it’s really a fit for you or not.

Where the turnoff on the latter comes in, is that even though he seems very intelligent he’s made very clear that nearly anything goes right now. It’s simply because he can, not because he is invested in any way, shape or form, even to redefine his preferences. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

It’s the same conversation I had with Anya when the older teens introduced her to porn. Just because she had the technology to look up what they were talking about didn’t mean she should have. She can’t unsee what she saw, she can’t unlearn certain concepts. My point to her was that if she’d brought the question to Nathan and I, we could have given her the most PG version possible and then she would have avoided the trauma of that learning experience.

This man is doing the same thing but with real humans and in real time. That’s bound to end up in someone getting hurt, or a medical problem (pregnancy or STD), and potentially both. That kind of reckless disregard for consequences is very hazardous and speaks to a lack of integrity.

I’ve told Nathan about him hitting on me and that I suspect he hasn’t even tried googling me yet. I suspect that if he had, the innuendo would have gotten more intense. As it is, I’m currently experiencing the same level as everyone else he has in his sights. Though I’m flattered that he’s acknowledged me as a possibility for him, he’s not really even close to one for me. Especially if he can’t snap out of the BS quickly and regain his senses.

I told Nathan the unfortunate side effect of me being who I am, is that I tend to bring far more to the table for others, than they do for me. I cited several relationships where I changed paradigms for people, but I benefited in no way. Several others I managed to enjoy a little intimacy to still end up feeling like I got the short end of the stick. One couple in particular were not interested in me or Nathan as partners, but they were perfectly happy taking advantage of introduction to polyamory and Camp Gaea. It’s just one of many such situations I’ve contributed to.

Yet acknowledging these things, I’ve had to step back a bit and admit that each and every situation has provided me with lists of “do’s & don’ts”. Every situation has provided clarity. The couple I just referenced for example, in hindsight I can see that several of their habits are far too unhealthy for my needs and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. So, I may have opened their minds and shifted their paradigm, but I gained great clarity on what kinds of people and their habits I’m looking for.

So I’m a very complex person with complex needs, wants, and desires. As evidenced by the array of music I listen to. Below is just a short sampling of what’s accessible on my phone, of which I’m in the midst of listening to on shuffle.

That brings me to my bullet points of redefining today- I’ll list them below the music screenshot.

  • I asked for tall dark and handsome with intelligence and financial stability (to help with myself feeling more safe and secure), but it needs to come with integrity and sensibility and an awareness of consequences.
  • I still wish I had my Indian people back that I let into my heart. My heart aches for that connection. C’est la vie.
  • Polyamory is a must: an understanding that intimacy is exchanged because of a foundation in love, and an ability to share of ourselves and contribute as family.
  • Respect for myself and my family is a must. I’m not a trophy or a touchdown, and my goal continues to be building a bigger family. None will be cut to enable another’s entry. Once I am fully committed and invested, I intend to remain as such.
  • Respect is earned, and love is found and grows.
  • People need to start investing in me as much as I do them. Otherwise I’ll just quit investing altogether. I can always keep doing what I’ve been doing, and I need more heartache like another hole in the head. I need to see genuine interest and caring interactions before I invest in another relationship again.
  • I need people to understand I didn’t get where I am overnight. If I tell you I have allergies that have taken decades to figure out, and I don’t have willpower because my body is chemically addicted to those allergens, then you should be supportive and not consider it a fun game to get me to eat that shit. It’s not a fun game to give an alcoholic liquor, and it shouldn’t be any different with me and a doughnut.
  • Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. If you find you’re interested, you better define why. I may be a bit jaded and cynical at this point and distrust flirtations and innocent placations. Having someone promise the world to me and turn around 6 months later to literally take everything back will do that.
  • I care about ME.
  • I love ME.
  • I respect myself.
  • I know I’m strong and intelligent.
  • I know I have integrity.
  • I know I consider consequences.
  • I know I make choices carefully.
  • I know I value others.
  • I know I am consistent regardless of my being different from the masses.
  • I know that I care about myself and others.
  • I will wait patiently for others to begin reflecting these things to me.
  • I know I am strong physically, mentally, and emotionally and my strength has come from overcoming many, many challenges.
  • I know that in time my willpower over my allergens will increase as the chemical dependence on them decreases, it’s simply another challenge of practice makes perfect. I look forward to more people around me being supportive of that journey for me, and helping me to build my willpower.
  • I look forward to being around people that have faced similar challenges and really understand how to be supportive. The kind of people that can help me increase my health and finish reaching some of my goals, because they’ve already gone through the journey.
  • I look forward to people with more pieces to completing my puzzle, more keys to unlock the paths still unrevealed. More progress.
  • I look forward to more people that can see all of me and can handle it.

May you all have redefining moments. May you all see what you seek. May you all have a healthy level of self-love, self-respect, and self-admiration. May God send you the people to help continue your growth.

Be well. Siva Hir Su.

Discernment

So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

It’s not a tumor

Or a gallstone.

After 36 hours of resting and detoxing, Epsom baths and super-clean minimal eating, I was better enough to do a half day of work. Or so I thought.

I went in and after an hour, my headache and body pain flared again. I was exasperated.

I worked 6 hours and went home to rest and detox some more. I even did cupping to pull out toxins. My body really needed that.

After all of the rounds of cupping (both shoulders and back), I ended up with big dark circles and blisters from severe muscle congestion, all over my upper body. I looked like a giant octopus had attacked me, but I felt so much better.

I was certain at that point I must have accidentally ingested too much actual pepper.

I knew the dinner theater trip I took with residents had served veggies with red peppers in them, but thought I’d picked all the bits out. I must not have, or there was something else I missed, because several of my allergens cause body pain like that. However, this round was super intense because I haven’t experienced the burning in my chest, shoulders, and arms before.

Needless to say, I’m back to the brain-mouth argument over foods in my environment. My brain knowing that the reaction sucks enough to say no, but my mouth knowing how tasty everything is. It’s a never ending battle that my will-power wins when I’m pregnant, but often loses when I’m the only one to suffer.

So to reset, my goal is to stay clean from here on out, a monumental challenge in the environment I work in. I just can’t afford the reaction and resulting pain and time off it causes.

On the up side Katherine is still doing great. Still a few days from being a year old, and she’s climbing stairs on playground equipment (family went out while I was predisposed with my few hours of work).

She is intent on catching up with Ian as quickly as possible. She even takes his trucks and plays with them just like him. I hope she sticks to the good things and ignores his bad behavior. I’m also very grateful that she enjoys being outside so much, we’ll get lots of miles out of that.

May all of you enjoy sunshine, outdoors, progress, self-care and calm immune systems.

Good nite and be well.

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

You’re safer than they want you to think.

I’ve made the mistake of watching the news several times this week, and it’s made me fairly livid at least a couples of times.

I’m totally over all of the scare tactics, and news articles that are essentially scary commercials for drugs. Furthermore. It’s not brand specific, I only ever watch FOX by others’ choices, but I’ve seen ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN on my own accord this week, all with similar results.

So far this flu season Nation-Wide:

A total of 20 influenza-associated pediatric deaths have been reported for the 2017-2018 season. See here.

7% of all deaths that occurred during the week ending December 23 were due to pneumonia and influenza. This is above the rate considered normal for this period… see here (though just barely by the charts and graphs available on the CDC page)

That’s out of 60,161  reported cases. 

That’s not even considering the many hundreds of thousands of unreported cases because people didn’t choose to go to their doctor and get tested to confirm it was flu. 

Keep in mind my one facility had 2 viral runs, either or both of which, could have been flu, but neither was tested for confirmation. Beyond that online office visits are now on the rise, and none of those include testing for viral confirmation. Furthermore, the last time I did need to go in to a doctor for being sick they treated based upon symptoms skipping the test to save time and save me money. This time I, like many thousands of people, chose to stay home and treat with over the counter options. So let’s assume that one in two people took the test to find out it was indeed a flu strain (probably a gross underestimation), then that 7% death toll is actually 3.5%; though it’s worded “of all deaths” reported to the CDC for that week, so potentially it’s still off but just considering that deaths in homes or accidents would not be tabulated, for quite some time really. Essentially the 7% would only be those people that died of disease in a hospital, as those are the only numbers that are reported in real time, so still not likely an accurate percentage for flu/pneumonia vs total population. We have not lost 7% of our population in the last month of influenza, not even close!

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statics.

Beyond that, have you noticed that every news story ends in a plug for the vaccine (which they’ve admitted is at best 30% effective-3rd year running) and Tamiflu, which still has much inconclusive data in world research governing bodies.

They’re trying to scare you into using your insurance or cold hard cash to spend on those products because people are wiseing up and refusing to waste their money on ineffective treatments (at best, hazardous at worst).

….

To prove a point:

40,200 people died in accidents involving motor vehicles in 2016 
Number of deaths for leading causes of death, 2015 final totals:

  • Heart disease: 633,842
  • Cancer: 595,930
  • Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 155,041
  • Accidents (unintentional injuries): 146,571
  • Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 140,323
  • Alzheimer’s disease: 110,561
  • Diabetes: 79,535
  • Influenza and Pneumonia: 57,062
  • Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome and nephrosis: 49,959
  • Intentional self-harm (suicide): 44,193



So essentially, you have just as much of a risk of dieing from a car accident or suicide as the flu. Furthermore, you are currently 10 times as likely to die of heart disease or cancer as any one of the other 3 causes. Not to mention 3 times as likely to die of other accidents/unintentional-injuries. However, how many flu-style-news-articles do you see in a week about car accidents, suicide victims, heart disease, or cancer? And yes those news articles do exist, but with far, far less frequency.

They want you to be afraid because it makes them more money than if you just paid attention to your own body and went in only when you needed treatment. The catch is don’t be one of the stupid ones that brushes it off a few days too long, ignores the wheezing too long, or allows themselves to be overly dehydrated and under nourished while fighting off a simple illness- those are really the causes of dieing from the flu. Well treated, well rested, well hydrated, well nourished people that allow their bodies down time to heal- very, very rarely die from something like the flu. It’s not impossible, but your risks in that situation are miniscule. Be reasonable, and be responsible for yourself and you’re likely to be just fine in a few days

This brings me to my final thoughts.

I spend nearly all of my waking time these days working with people that have made it into their 80’s, 90’s, and 100’s. No short supply of them either, a whole generation made it through the myriad of scary life ending possibilities.
They are so old they no longer care to do anything but sleep, and many of them verbally wish to die. However, for whatever myriad of reasons they’re unable to relax into a peaceful accepting place to go home to God. They sit miserable day after day, when we as staff are doing our level best to improve their quality of life. I’ve discovered that quality of life is really dependent upon what an individual wants and desires, and all my efforts are futile when the cared for can’t even tell me what their wants and desires are. I want to help, but can’t because I have no idea what’s going on in their minds due to lack of communication (mostly a very conscious choice, very few of my people are truly unable to communicate).
So, then I wonder, would it really be that awful if someone allowed themselves to succumb to flu, or heart disease, or cancer, or the myriad of other ways that one could die. It would eliminate the self induced misery they experience daily. My wish is for everyone to be happy and at peace, and if going home to god is the only way you’ll allow that to happen, then maybe it’s time to do just that, in whatever way possible.
Beyond that, even when speaking of younger people, who’s to say that a person’s death isn’t needed or planned on the divine level. Our mortal brains are simply unable to comprehend beyond our own limited view and knowledge. My personal opinion is that many of the life end battles people (young or old) go through might just be futility in the first place; and why waste the time, effort, energy, and often risk of severe pain, just to end up dead anyway. I personally think your conversation with god is worth more than any drug on the planet when it comes to living vs dieing.
That being said, if I’d truly thrown  in the towel with my depression, I’d have died years ago. The difference is I knew, deep down, that I needed to find the solution and figure out how to live happily. There was a small part of me that knew I wasn’t done, and that tiny voice kept me trying. I think that tiny voice was the smallest shred of my connection to god, and I’m glad I listened.
So how does one threatened with a deadly disease tell the difference? Only that person would know and be able to tell. If someone knows it’s their time, we should not be ones to argue. They simply must listen for their own inner knowing, that small voice of certainty. That is what really matters in life or death battles. That is the difference that’s needed to tell if a battle even needs fought. And if the answer is fight, then fight with all you’ve got, but keep listening to the little voice, it’ll give you the answers to make the fight just a bit easier. If the answer is relax and go with whatever god chooses, then do that. I think our current society is being called to return to listening to our inner voice in all ways, even when well meaning people want to offer “solutions” to what they see as your “problem”. Our inner voice is the only thing that can really tell us those things to reduce pain and suffering.
Of course, this is all my opinion and speculation. I’m certain the medical establishment would argue with me (especially since I work in it), so take my words with a grain of salt. I just hope you find your own knowing and the resulting peace it brings. One day we’ll all treat only what needs treated, and support all the rest with trust in the divine energy that pervades everything.

“Help is on its way.” -Abraham Hicks

The sentiment is that if you relax and let the energy flow,  that your body can return to it’s natural state of healing and health. It also can be applied to attempting to live in the vortex and allow good things to flow into your life.

Lately, I find that I am working on acknowledging that repeatedly. This week I had a couple of weak days. I had an awful time finding peace, calm, and clarity, and it seemed my body ached.

I asked the friend from massage school that I’ve reconnected with, to send some prayers for me. I needed a bit of help. He offered some kind words, and I appreciated that greatly. He’s very christian and so his words were from his perspective, but even in the state I was in, I could read the broader meaning and it helped some.

I slept and the next morning I woke to a very full email box. As I was going through emails I opened one stating that it was full of inspirational quotes. The link took me to the quotes, and a pop-up for Louise Hay’s newsletter blinked up before I could even really read the quotes. I looked at it and said sure, I do like Ms. Hay’s writings and teachings. Upon submitting my info, another resulting pop-up gave me the link to download one of her live sessions. IT was super helpful and instantly helped me raise my vibration.

Essentially, it spoke of the transition period when you begin to rise your vibration and change your thought patterns for the better. How there can be an uncomfortable period of oscillation between the higher more positive vibrations and your previous lower ones.

I knew that was an answer to the prayer that I’d asked Evan to send for me, and it also directly answered my burning question from the days prior. My original question was essentially why is it that I had a really really good day on Tuesday and then spent Wednesday and Thursday down. I knew as soon as Ms. Hay said it, that it was my oscillation. A temporary result of practicing being in a better feeling place. Ms Hay suggested to just let those emotions flow, not hold onto them, and definitely give yourself as much love as ever to help the lower period pass more easily. I spent all of Friday practicing just that and sure enough by lunch time I was feeling better and by the end of the day I was right as rain again.

Ms. Hay warned that the oscillation period can be a challenging time, but that if you stick to practicing the better feeling thoughts that eventually you will have less oscillation and then eventually clear the other side all together. I look forward to those days. I do like the idea of improving my state of being. I like knowing I can change. It’s definitely difficult, but I foresee it being completely worth it, so I’m sticking this one out for the long haul. I will get myself together and figure all of this out. Help is indeed on its way.