She exposed herself
Bared her scars
For all to see
Owning her self
Knowing her scars
Were proof of
Just how far she'd come
None could take that from her
She had found her power
She was more beautiful than ever
Regardless of what anyone else
Thought or saw
She was beautiful
She was already loved
And now she knew it
He exposed himself
Bared his chest
For all to see
Owning his self
Knowing his appearance
Was proof of
How much he'd grown
Even admitting his past
Had less than stellar decisions
None could take that from him
He had found himself
He was more beautiful than ever
Regardless of what anyone else
Thought or saw
He was beautiful
He was already loved
And he was beginning to see it
They were two very different people
Living two very different paths
Both were equally amazing
Both were equally wonderful
They were learning and growing
They were being human
They are loved
By those around them
And by God
Growth is all we seek
Expansion is our life
Everything that builds us
Lifts us up
Keeps us going
Makes our world a better place
That is God's work
They are doing it
So can you
Grow in beautiful imperfection
Find your self
Know you are loved
It's all that is needed
To help our world heal
~ Treasa Cailleach
I’m on a wild goose chase trying to figure things out about myself. There is old programming in my brain that needs rewriting like a computer, and I’m just not certain how to accomplish that.
My intuitive input told me to look at my early childhood as that is where programming started. I just wasn’t sure what I was looking for so I sent my mom an email to ask. I simply asked her what she remembered from when I was about two years old.
This was most of her reply (I cut some unrelated info):
I got you a big baby doll for your 2nd birthday. It was almost as big as you. Dad got fired from his job, I was working at a nursing home, we got into the moble home based on my income only and moved to Randolf acres. I worked overtime so that I could buy you the green turtle sand box. I thought dad was going to kill me. Literally. There were two little girls living across the street. You played with dolls with them and in the sand box. Your oldest brother had been sharing the little bedroom with you. He slept on the top bunk. He left for the Air Force and then you had the room to yourself. Your other two brothers shared the bigger room until the second oldest went to Coast Guard Academy.
I think you were happy. You were healthy at that time.
You were a “Cookie Monster” at two. You would sit in your high chair with your hand up and open and close your hand wanting animal crackers. If I ran out you would drive me crazy till I got more. You were around 3 1/2 when we moved to Indiana.
You used to talk to an imaginary friend but I never knew who it was. I thought it was because I worked nights and your brother was at school, and you were lonesome. You would line up all of your stuffed animals and dolls and play school. You were past two then. More like three to five. You watched Bob Ross and all the other artists on TV and drew and colored pictures. One of your favorites was a lady who did old barns and rural scenes and she always had a cat somewhere in the picture, sometimes hidden in plain site.Thank you Mom. 💗
After reading her email I saw the pattern of repeat, at least where it started.
I find it interesting that Nathan is unemployed (though his is health related and my dad was career related), and I have spent most of my working the last 8 years in nursing environments. I have also repeated the overtime to make ends meet/provide a few good things for kids, and especially the buying a home on my own. Even things such as kids sharing rooms and a turtle sandbox. I find it interesting that our repeat moving/changing-homes pattern is also similar to the pattern of my childhood.
Although I don’t feel like Nathan is going to kill me, sometimes I feel like the situation and all the hours could. Yet I keep pushing myself, striving to keep reaching for better. Then I have moments where I just wish to throw in the towel and give up. I have enough, I don’t need anything else for this lifetime. Then I acknowledge that my extended chill-out times only get me so far and usually end up in financial strain.
Additionally, somehow reading mom’s comments on being a Cookie Monster, makes the allergen addiction (dairy/grains) less of a pressure knowing it started when I was that young. It’s easier on oneself when trying to break an addiction, if you acknowledge something that’s been happening for 36 years, is not likely to be broken overnight. I will simply keep asking for only things which are good for my body to be present. That is the best way for God to help. If I’m not presented with addictive options then it’s easier to say no. I do still need to reach for some self-control though, or I’ll find myself going to the store to replenish them. That’s the hazard of being an adult with means to do so- yet usually I’m not that person.
And my not-so-imaginary friend. What’s his purpose? That’s at the heart of it all. Why did he leave and come back? Why didn’t he help me figure out solutions to the programming before it became such an ingrained problem? Though I appreciate my mom’s acknowledgement of his existence, it leaves more questions than were answered in those regards.
I’m hoping that eventually I’ll build my dome home and we’ll stay put for the rest of my life. If I ever make it that far, a lot of the other elements will also change. Yet, I’m concerned that since my kids are all in or past the age range of my initial query, that they now have the same programming. That is super frustrating.
Anyway, the bigger picture is that there is indeed detrimental programming in my brain, which is impeding my personal growth. When I contemplate trying to solve that connundrum I keep cycling back to how computers are handled; especially since I’m familiar with several very influentially smart people referencing the human brain as being like a computer.
From my rudimentary knowledge there are options involving both software and hardware.
To me hardware options for the human brain/body would be something like lobotomy, brain damage, or a new body. Plus perhaps options I’m not aware of or don’t feasibly exist. None of those are realistic or desirable to me. Enough said.
However, like Windows 10, sometimes software upgrades are not compatible with existing hardware.
So, I perceive that I need the brain software upgrade that is compatible with my existing hardware but propels me to better function and speed, just like in a computer. Something that allows the positive forward movement in the most efficient way possible. That which creates less distress and frustration because the cogs are spinning. Less hourglass waiting, and more efficiently being productive. Less stuck, and more financial growth. Less hours worked, and more income brought in. More time to play the games like when I was a child playing school or watching painters.
Yet I need this software upgrade in the most efficient way possible as well. In computers you can uninstall and reinstall better functioning software. Or you can simply overwrite software with the upgrade if they are similar enough. I’m honestly not certain how to accomplish either with my brain. Plus, even in computers you often find glitches later where old programming wasn’t completely overwritten and it can hang things up.
I feel like in some ways I did manage to override the old to a certain degree. A house instead of a mobile home. Fewer kids, and the determination to keep it that way. Being more fiscally responsible as the mortgage company put it. Keeping debt low and working with cash mostly, only using credit enough to boost our scores back up. Working primarily as a contractor making my own schedule and earning my own business contracts through my own dependability and skill. Pushing myself to think bigger and reach for better.
But even with these changes, I’m essentially doing the same thing slightly better.
Abraham speaks of some leaps being too large to handle and if you attempt too large of a leap it can cause horrible problems (lottery winners that end up destitute) or death. I definitely don’t want that. But I do want a larger improvement than I have managed thus far.
I want the kind of noticable shift where even people that don’t know me very well notice. Like when your employer upgrades computers when you’re gone and you come back and you’re like “OH, that’s different!”.
I suppose if you’re reading this and know computers well, is there a suggestion? Do you have any hypothesis on how to override old programming in the human brain?
I know the slight adjustments I’ve already made were a combination of pretending when young, and meditation as an adult. I know that’s part of the key, but feel like there’s more to it than that. That there are other pieces to the re-coding of brain software. I just don’t know what they are, and how to maximize their effectiveness.
So, may you all experience a realization of your growth. May you all find easy software upgrades. May you all find the personal growth you seek. May your life improve in all ways. May we all be supported by God and understand the unseen better.
Siva Hir Su
So I have come to a place of resignation. My humanly efforts will likely never get me to my great grand dreams of Atira. So I’m letting them remain dreams while I work with the here and now in front of me. Assuming they will always be dreams, and were never actually intended to come true, somehow takes the sting out of their feeling so far out of reach.
Anyway, I put a lot of time on my grand dome home design last night, and some more today. I used it as a distraction from a hiccup in the mortgage process for our good enough home. ( I’ll post images of the dome designs last.)
Essentially, even though I single-handedly supported and kept my family with a roof over their heads for the last decade, it came down to needing a cosigner. I make enough for the loan amount we requested, but because I took a “real job” for most of the last 2.5 years it affected my self-employment income levels. They can’t count the job because I’m no longer full time there, but they can’t count previous tax returns for the same reason. It came down to 3 options.
1. Fully audited profit and loss costing 10 grand and taking 30 days, but which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made as much as I say I did.
2. Start over with another mortgage company and risk losing our choice house because the seller might not agree to time extension.
3. Scramble to find and file paperwork for a cosigner, and cross fingers we make it through completely by Thursday this week.
Nathan’s dad agreed to facilitate the third long enough to enable doing a refinance ASAP later.
Which, by the way, I will not use the mortgage company we chose at the start of this process. I was livid that this current company didn’t catch this hiccup right away. I would not have paid for the inspection and thus not have gotten attached to buying a home until after this year’s taxes had been filed, and then could be counted without using a costly time consuming process.
As it is, I spent 2 days doing everything I would for my taxes for them to say they really needed the audit. Then I oscillated between livid angry shakes and wanting to cry because all my efforts still don’t matter to anyone else. I screamed a few times when alone, and ranted at the mortgage broker twice over the phone for her fuck-up.
At this point we’re half packed and I have already set plans in motion for the logistics of the move and post move. Not to mention having taken 4 days off of work when holidays are already eating 2.5 days. So, I find myself convincing my brain that it will work out, and we’ll move on-time for a Happy Yule and Merry Christmas. When that slips, I switch to a pleasant distraction or meditation, and occasional pacing.
I am determined that not only am I getting this home on time, I will also have it paid for in full in 5 years or less. On my own.
There is an element of wishing I had my other person, my significant-other. As much as I feel good about eventually finding the “HA I did it myself!”- especially knowing I do always get to see that light; there is another much larger part wishing I didn’t have to work so hard to prove my deserving-ness to others. Like really, if the damned mortgage broker had paid attention, this process could have waited 5 months and been much smoother on me. Yet, if there was a significant-other that was part of the family, then the cosigner would have been an original intention with extra legal protections for that person, not a last minute back-up plan. There are just so many ways this could have gone better and easier, but alas I have no significant-other life-partner at this time, AND I got the crappy mortgage broker that is only used to dealing with people that have “good jobs”. RAWR!
Anyways, rant aside, my distractions have been worthwhile. There is the poly-family dome-home designs for Atira. There have been wrap-ups of shirt designs for other people. There was holiday gifting and cards to write, and brainstorming a white elephant gift for an upcoming parent holiday party. Additionally, there was quite a bit of time invested in reading books, working with the stock market, and playing Magic Cards with my friend and people he knows.
I have to say that the card games were a blast. I finally felt reacquainted with the game enough, that I ventured out to play at the store with a full group. We did the new Commander Style, and it was great fun, especially since I was getting to test out a brand new to me deck that was a gift. I played 4 rounds, I think, though my brain was mush by half way through the last round. One round there were 5 players at the table and it was a lot to keep up with. Luckily I was not the only one in the “newbie” category, so they went gentle on me. I still died every time, as I’m not up to speed enough to win one yet.
The funniest moment to me was sitting at a table full of people my age and the one teenager looked just like one of the kids in the home-school group. I knew it wasn’t the same kid by name, but it was uncanny how similar they were. I appreciated that the players which I knew were very skilled and good at strategy, were kind to the teenager and the even the two of us older but currently inexperienced players. What was also funny was all of us older players reminiscing of back in the day when we played using certain cards. At one point someone played a card that was “Llanowar Rebirthed”, and I found myself saying I remembered playing a green deck that had Llanowars (not re-birthed) in it. That stirred a whole conversation on old cards. It was good fun. I had a really great time, and look forward to another day like that… Hopefully my schedule will allow for it sooner than later.
Finally I really wanted to check in on my progress with weight-loss and my health in general. I know that I have had lots of positive comments lately, but with the holiday season and my known food fails, I haven’t been able to see my progress myself. I still feel like I’m just treading water. So, I had Nathan pull some really old pictures.
First were my High-school Senior Portraits, done by a highly respected local lady in 2001. I know I weighed 280 pounds.
The following are from 2010 to 2012, before I started my health journey, my peak I weighed 300 pounds ( I quit weighing myself at 295, and I know I exceeded that for quite some time.) All of these pictures were taken by Nathan, some in professional mode, some in family mode.
The next 3 were from 2013, as I was beginning my health journey, and just before I had lost enough weight to conceive Ian. They were taken about a month after our trip to Cleveland by train where another passenger told me about Iodine and Borderline Thyroid conditions. That had led to the beginning of loosing weight, and was I definitely beginning to feel better.
Finally, these are current. Top left (red velvet shirt) being from right now.
I can kind of see the changes, but I have to really look at the pictures from a shapes and contour perspective to see the differences. I wish I could tell better. I suppose I will never be the size 6-8 person that we’re all supposed to be able to maintain. Perhaps that is like my dream of Atira.
Anyway, I am really attempting to see the positives, and it seems that I am having to stretch quite a bit to do so, so I’ll leave you with links and Images of Atira. I will eventually get my dome designs finished and 3-D models rendered. Considering this is a sideline for fun, I’ve gotten quite a ways in my very rare spare time.
Finally for those designs in progress: I haven’t touched the first floor at all yet, so I will put up the rest. What you can’t see here are all the guides and rulers and grids that I have used to align everything and make sure proportions are accurate. The jpg for the crows nest looks massive in comparison, but it is merely an export output result, it is very much the appropriate size in the CorelDRAW file.
May you all see your good. May you be aware of your progress. May you have an easy time conveying your strengths and deserving-ness. May others appreciate you and may your life improve incrementally in noticeable ways. May you see the good in everyone and feel the love. May you have dreams that are more reachable, and may you have solutions for your here and now. May you always feel the knowing that everything is okay and you will get through. May your tough times be short lived and well rewarded.
Feel the Love and Be The Change
Siva Hir Su