Tag Archives: self-love

Reaching for God’s View of Me

Theme song for this post 😆: https://youtu.be/x-EVWQAsZNA

That’s me at a Crows coffee, and that’s my post-work decalf almond milk mocha. I took a sip before realizing the barista had made a heart in the foam, and then wanted to capture it despite the deformity… first world problems right.

A new friend told me I needed to work on myself without being too hard on myself. I asked him to define that, and he fed me some of my own past advice: meditate and do things I enjoy. That was inspiration for the coloring and whatnot this week. It was very needed and I’m very appreciative of the reminder.

It stirred in me today many thoughts. I have to say after a segue into fantasy world which I got an interesting energetic kick back, I realized I needed a moment of how do others see me. Nay, I needed a moment of how does God see me. (By the way “your own personal Jesus” just started playing on the loud speakers at Crows. Te he ☺️.)

To that end; a long time ago I read a post from another blogger that was a mirror writing exercise. I thought I had already done such an exercise, but can’t find my old post to link to, so I’m going to start over with the selfie above as my mirror.

________________________________________

This woman in front of me, young, but with slight sprinkling of white hair implies having really lived in few years. It also denotes an acceptance of her own tawny hair, which the sun seems to bring out slight rosy highlights within the strands. I see vibrant soft skin with round plump rosy cheeks, a warmth that comes from within. Rich earthy eyes glazed with a slight moisture is creating an appearance of fatigue being held at bay by that inner fire. I see the determination to keep going. The gentle smile on her lips seems to give off gentle happiness or perhaps some reserved emotions mixed with joy. Head held high, carrying an air of confidence. Though no makeup covers any portion of this face sprinkled with slight blemishes, there is still beauty, and despite being late in the day her appearance is still tidy. This is natural raw beauty, unadulterated, just as God created. Additionally, she wears colorful beads and a Halloween scrub top. Seemingly contrasting, yet fun and whimsical. I know they are outward expressions of elements of her personality. The willingness to show her rawest self, with care, is a quality of strength. Strength of independence, strength of acceptance of her own very unique self. That kind of strength comes from a sense of self, an inner knowing, likely from facing demons many times over.

It takes guts to be completely yourself in a society bent on conformity and homogenized blandness. A society aimed at convincing the masses that a very small fragment of slim, large breasted, tanned, makeup covered, body-hairless women are beautiful. This woman is anything but that, yet still secure and confident in what she really is.

…. [I ask God to help me word non-physical views of me]….

This womans’ strength and confidence have grown so much that she now carries an air of compassion for others still fighting their more plentiful demons. Everyday she fights battles to help people to relax back into their own God given bodies.

She has a kind and gentle heart and she does her best to share it with those that will let her, even often sharing it with those that refuse her. Despite many hurts over her lifetime, she continues to fight her demons to push anger, fear, and hatred as far out of her being as possible. Her fight is to reach the light of God, to feel God’s grace. Her goal to show others how possible it is. She wants to heal herself completely to be an example of how even the most difficult battles can be won.

Her body still shows the journey, as losing nearly 100 pounds doesn’t disappear instantly. Though fatigue sometimes rips at her convictions, she inherently knows she is proud of her saggy skin and stretch-marks, as they are proof of her victories. Besides, there is still more journey left to do, and surgery might make that shorter, but then the victor is somehow less noticeable from her perspective. The slower route leaves much more evidence of her “I did it my way” & “HA, I win”.

Her strong hands heal others daily, and despite wishing for all of those caresses to be on her own skin, she knows it’s her path.

She gives of herself constantly, striving to help God make this world better each day. Wanting to teach by example, that we can all change for the better. She gives time, she gives intellectually, she gives physically through labor, she gives emotionally and energetically, she gives monetarily when she can. Though she often feels like she has little to offer, she really offers far greater each and every day than anyone ever acknowledges, because no one person sees all of her gifts. She gives everything of herself, especially when she sees commitment in return. When those around her step up, she gives doubly, even at risk to her own well being. She hopes one day to experience some sort of validating ripple effect of her efforts, or even see the good results once across the rainbow bridge.

She remains committed to her husband and children, and wants nothing more than to have others join her family. She sacrifices in many ways great and small, just to keep her family well cared for.

She strives to be a great ally to anyone needing one, and does her level best to respect and honor those that helped her from the past.

All of this, and she still aims to care for herself. She still wants to have fun and play. She still enjoys letting her inner geek or musician or artist fly. She still dreams big and fends off becoming jaded. She still holds out hope for her home country and her world to reach for better, for equality and acceptance, and to protect people’s rights. She knows we can do it together if we just practice simple concepts and support each other.

________________________________________

This strong, loving, emotional, supportive, healer is very appreciative that you read my moment of reaching for a broader view of myself and my efforts.

I wish for you to have a similar moment. It helps to step back and reword things from the perspective of what God might tell someone about you. Even if we’re not entirely accurate or forget things, it still helps to take a break from being too overly critical of yourself.

May you see your beauty. May you see your strengths. May you see your effect on this world. May you appreciate yourself a little more. May you always understand and appreciate that God loves you just the way you are.

We are all accumulated experiences of a human body, powered by God force, and sustained by God’s grace. Know you are doing your best and that is good enough.

Siva Hir Su

If I ask you to fix it, then at least make an attempt!

So, I’m a practicing massage therapist. Unless I’m working on someone over the age of 80, I fully intend to fix whatever is in front of me. If I can’t completely fix something, I get as close as humanly possible with the time allotted.

I have traded for 6 years with a therapist of the same caliber. When she retired she asked me to replace her. We traded once after her retirement and we’ve had trouble linking up our schedules to do a second trade.

I tried to schedule a trade with a few other occasional trade partners and the one therapist at the clinic. It seems my current schedule just is not conducive to trading right now.

Yesterday I cried uncle, and resorted to paid massages until I can figure out another trade. I knew that even an hour of regular deep tissue wasn’t going to be the same as my usual 90 min trade, so I went ahead and set up 2 hours.

The first one was at a place called “Hand & Stone Massage & Facial Spa” then an hour later I went to “Massage Envy”. The first place charged me extra for deep tissue saying that I had the best therapist available for that on that particular evening- $70 first time appointment for regular price of $95. Massage Envy admitted they didn’t have a deep tissue person available, so I knew that was not going to fix anything significant. Yet their intro price $55, for a normally $75 appointment.

The clinic charges $80 and I’m feeling like that’s totally not enough.

The comparison was night and day. My deep tissue appointment really just scratched the surface, and the second appointment was only slightly less pressure. There really wasn’t enough difference to have justified the extra charge at the first massage, and neither of them were anywhere near what I provide at the clinic.

I felt severely ripped off, but knowing that spas like those pay their therapists like crap, I tipped well. I spent $170 including tips, to walk away with 100 minutes of hands on time that left me feeling like it was a good start, instead of the 90min fix I’m used to.

I ended up going home to do 3 cycles on my Homemedics massage roller mat, and followed that with detailed instruction for Nathan to polish off most of what was missed. I still need to get a fix it massage scheduled ASAP.

Where this really gets my goat and why I decided to rant about it here today, is that I asked for a service and received inadequate results.

For instance: I specified that I was a massage therapist and sorely overdue for my massage. I specifically asked the ‘deep tissue’ person to stick to upper body, mainly arms shoulders and pectoral muscles.

She almost forgot that I requested upper body only and ended up doing my glutes in a pretend correction. Something a seasoned therapist can spot easily. Then, she barely grazed my pectorals, and was horribly ineffective at releasing any chronic areas, even a little. She barely grazed my rhomboids (shoulder blade) a couple of times which left me screaming in my head: “No! Go back, go back, you missed it!”

Here’s the thing, if you charge extra for deep tissue, it should actually be a deep tissue massage. Additionally, there’s no reason she couldn’t have worked my pectorals at least enough to count it.

Here’s the deal, I have no desire to see or touch anyone’s junk, and in 12 years I’ve only been forced to see that 3 times, all of which I put the kibosh on by pulling out a towel. Yet, when someone brings a problem, a hurt, that lies where their junk is, I still fix it. It’s called, keep it covered with the sheet, and if you really have to get super close-you have them hold it out of the way. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man and his penis or a woman and her breasts. Move it over and I’ll get the job done. There’s been twice where a womans breasts were so large I had them lay on their side to allow gravity to get them out of the way. Effing get creative if you have to, but fix the damn problem. So if I, as a therapist, tell you my pecs hurt and I’ve approved working on them, them you better damn well do it. Grazing them with your pinky finger doesn’t count.

Additionally there’s simply no reason that she didn’t get my rhomboids, or really any of my shoulders and arms better than she did.

Except for the fact that I kept redirecting myself to mantras, I would have left both massages infuriated.

As it was, I’m glad they at least accomplished a good start, and that I was able to figure out a solution for the rest. I wish them as therapists well, but sincerely hope that the one doesn’t keep selling herself as a deep tissue therapist. They both need to specify that they are solely relaxation specialists, and people like me won’t waste our time.

May you all have the fixes you need and great massages. May you all have the schedule to accommodate self-care and good results from that self-care. May you enjoy your days and be free from pain or discomfort.

Siva Hir Su

Do you enjoy vanity?

I found myself saying: it must be nice to be vain; that is after experiencing the 3rd person this week to comment on the lines the face creadle cover made on their face.

I’m from the perspective of- I like my massages, and so what if the face creadle cover leaves lines on my face. At least I got a good massage to combat and eliminate the stress this world produces in my body. I’d much rather have face cradle lines than the look of weary and downtrodden stress-bots that most people carry.

Then I started thinking, do people really enjoy vanity? The kind of vanity that is afraid others might notice your massage face. What is your brain telling you that makes massage face a bad thing?

Why would you even want to carry stressed face like everyone else? What is so appealing about sameness, that you want sameness even when the reality of that sameness is an element you work to undo every 1 to 3 weeks?

To me relaxed massage face or genuine glowing happiness and joy are the best faces to have, and anymore they are both rare.

Mostly, I have enough sense to get my massage and then go home. The few times I haven’t, I later thought: what the hell was I thinking, I’m not functional after a good massage. So I tend to think others would do the same.

I guess not; and in your instant worry about lines on your face and trying to be functional afterward, you’ve just wasted what your $80 just paid for. The moment you go back into worry, your body begins to ramp up your stress response and literally within minutes to hours it will be as if I never worked on you to begin with.

However, that is my job security.

No matter how well I demolish your stress and built up tension, I know that it’ll come right back. It comes back with every negative thought, every stress induced action, every repetitive motion, every moment of WORK, every worry. Frankly, most of society is really good at that side of the equation and really lazy on the stress reduction side of the equation. Why do any real work on/for yourself, when you can go pay someone to do it for you, and convince yourself that your occasional massage is adequate.

The real work, I used to give as homework, until I realized my words were bouncing off of thin air.

Now, I just willingly accept your $80/hour and smile politely when you make remarks about the lines.

The real work:

Self-care, including but not limited to:

Meditation

Yoga

Epsom salt baths

Regular Mag-a-hol usage

Supplements including but not limited to Magnesium, Potassium, Fish Oil, and Turmeric

Self-massage with a variety of easily accessible tools, some as simple as a tennis ball or foam roller.

Better diet choices to reduce inflammation

Consistent and ample sleep

Regular Sunlight

The not so hilarious corker here is that all these same things fight depression. You can read “The Depression Cure” yourself for the science of why, but in simple terms.

Stress=Inflammation=Tight Muscles

Stress=Inflammation=Pain

Stress=Inflammation=Depression

So tight muscles are usually experienced alongside pain, and as statistics are showing, increasingly alongside depression as well.

Massage fights the tight muscles element and can combat stress itself to a certain degree, but unless you work on the whole package, you will never find whole relief.

So go ahead and waste many dollars and many hours seeing therapists like me to convince yourself you’re doing what you can to feel better. I’ll gladly accept the job security, and inside laugh at your vanity over lines.

For those willing to do the work, I’ll gladly answer direct questions on any number of topics.

May you all have abundance of self-care and a famine of stress and worry.

Discernment

So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

Already on the bus.

So I’ve finished reading “The Energy Bus” and realize now that I’ve already gotten my bus going. It’s been a slow start, bumpy ride, with a few breakdowns already, but my bus is generally pointed the right direction and moving.

Really I’ve been driving my bus for a while, but just need more focus and helpful passengers

I have my committed passengers, in for the full ride- my family by marriage and by giving birth.

I have my semi-committed or part time riders, people in my daily and work life that are generally as helpful as they can be, but can’t necessarily stay for the whole ride. Sometimes they’re on and sometimes they’re busy on their own bus.

I have at least one passenger, maybe 2 or 3 that I’m hoping are like the character Michael. Where they removed themselves, but ultimately come around, and end up finding themselves wanting to make positive changes too, and join my bus again. That would be nice, not just for my bus, but for them- their state of being- and because it will validate messages I got what seems like forever ago. May we all master only feeding the good dog.

So far I’ve already ejected a few of what was termed “Energy Vampires” from my bus, and there’s one big one that needs to go yet. Fortunately, those from my biological family have mostly removed themselves from my life, so that’s one less hurdle.

With all that being said, this book leaves me acknowledging I have steps to go yet.

I have used this blog to write about Atira many times, but it’s scattered through multiple posts and partial posts, and I’m not sure I’ve ever reinforced the entirety of the complexity of that to those on board my bus, even if part time. I think it would help to get more concise with my desires, vision, and focus so that there is one document I can reference. Maybe even to give them copies.

I still have a ways to go to ensure I’m only feeding the good dog, and fueling my bus with positive energy. I have the basic idea, but have some practicing to do to maintain it, because I do let fear and stress get the better of me frequently.

Also, I totally spend too much time worrying about people that don’t get on my bus. I will get better at acknowledging maybe it’s too soon for them or they have other reasons for not joining my route. It’s not personal to me, it’s personal for them and their journey.

Additionally, I still have a ways to go on demonstrating my own enthusiasm and love. I already do both, but often allow myself to be easily deflated, especially when my efforts go unnoticed, unacknowledged, or unresponded to. Then once I’ve been deflated, I definitely still struggle to get back up and give another go.

I also need to find my purpose in everything better. It’s easy for me when what I’m doing is part of my vision for Atira, but much much harder when my task-at-hand is seemingly unrelated. That is evidence of not fully knowing that “everything happens for a reason”. I must trust more and find how everything relates. How does what I’m doing fit with my journey and fuel my bus.

Lastly, a huge must: start having more fun and enjoying the ride more. It’s not that I don’t at all, but I really succumb to stress easily. I’m latching onto the books’ phrase “you can’t feel stressed when you feel blessed”. That is my biggest new goal. To be “too blessed to be stressed”.

With that I wanted to share the list of rules the book went over:

And finally, I wanted to share an Abraham Lincoln quote (below) from the book that really resonated with me. My life journey fine-tuned to that direction after the online stranger woke my dreams up in me. I realized I may fail, I may never actually get there, but giving up all together- ignoring who I’ve become- is far worse than failing. I must remain true to who I am and where I’d like to go, if I’m to ever find consistent happiness and have any chance at all of possibly making it there. I want my light to shine bright from here until my dieing days.

Again, thank you for hanging in with me and joining at least the written part of my ride. I sincerely hope you benefit from my words in one way or another.

Get to the root…

So, this week I’ve been contemplating a lot. I’m missing my new friend, but also some of my old friends. I’m also still fixated on my desires a lot. I’m just attempting to glean some understanding without necessarily ruminating, so my brain has been jumping around a lot to avoid over thinking things and creating a negative loop. It’s amazing how strong my desire to make sense of things is.

To that end I find that I’ve been arguing with myself as to whether or not I’m making the divine messages up. Like: “Really, do you really think there is someone or something that is using license plates and bumper stickers to communicate!”; followed by: “but it’s just a little too coincidence”, and on and on.

Then as if they’re listening to my brain (because I’m not saying all of these things out loud), whomever is trying to communicate with me has taken to commandeering my email box. Things that I’ve subscribed to for years, and google has directed to my social folder for the entirety of that filing system, are now “randomly” showing up in my primary folder. This morning was emails on the topic of desire versus expectation. The subscriptions were: Abraham Hicks daily mail, Seeds 4 Life Blog, and Brittany Walkins an EFT weightloss guru. all 3 I’ve been long time subscribers to, and 90% of the time they end up in either my social or promotions folder. This morning all 3 were in my primary folder and all 3 were essentially saying the same thing. I’ll quote the Abraham and Seeds 4 Life ones here (Brittany’s was a v-log):

The Essence of My Every Desire Can Be Fulfilled… If your time-space reality has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, it is our absolute promise to you that your time-space reality has the ability to deliver, in full-manifested form, the reality of the desire it has inspired. Any and all desires can be fulfilled unless you are holding yourself out of alignment with your own desire. The feeling of competition or shortage, or limitation of resources, means you are out of alignment with your own desire.

Excerpted from the book, “The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships”

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Upcoming Abraham Workshops:

Boston, MA – May 6    Stamford, CT – May 13    Buffal, NY- May 27

Desire Connects You With the Thing Desired and Expectation Draws It Into Your Life – Bob Proctor

by Johanna Rosberg

Desire is an incredibly strong and useful feeling. Whenever you think about your desires, it starts a connection within the universe. It puts you and your thoughts on the same frequency as what it is you desire; it creates an invisible wire between your energy and your desire’s energy.

That desire, and the invisible connection, is the start to getting the things you want in life. The next step is to plainly expect your desires and wishes to come true. You don’t need to understand how or why or when that will happen, you just need to expect it to happen.

To expect things to come true is the very key to actually getting them. It’s that expectation – that joyous sensation it creates within you – that keeps you on theRead more of this post

 

Now these 3 subscriptions are not my only subscriptions, they are just the only ones that got moved from essentially bulk mail to primary mail today. It is also not the only time it has happened. This has happened with other combinations of email subscriptions 3 other times this week. I find it interesting that the universe is literally emailing me using other people’s words. Every time the message is an answer to a question I had the day before.

So now I know that I need to move from desire to expecatation. Yet, I’m not entirely certain I know how to accomplish that. I know that yesterday after asking the question that this morning’s emails answered, I spent the day listening to EDM music to lift my mood up. It has worked, and I continue with that theme today. I need the energy of the music, on top of the positive messages that EDM usually carries. The mantras I normally listen to are very positive and helpful, but calming, sometimes too soothing. EDM makes me want to move, dance, jump. Very helpful, but I’m not certain it will accomplish moving into expectation!

So then I think about what am I to be expecting. Simply put- a miracle. Yet, it is much more complex than that. I am expecting many things to fall into place in just the right way so as to completely change my world.

In evaluating that I start to realize things, have epiphanies so to speak.

One such epiphany has to do with diet and weight. I’ve been analyzing what my body seems to be wanting. Essentially my body wants lots of nutrition and little calories or carbohydrate intake. I’ve been craving green drinks, alkaline water, minerals, and broccoli, things like that. And every time I consume something higher in calories or carbohydrates, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and searching for more. Then it occurs to me, my early childhood likely resembled my current eating habits. My mom did much the same as I’ve had to do with little Ian. She was unable to breastfeed after a couple of months, and also had to return to work not long after I was born. I was left in the care of my dad and older brothers with formula as the feeding solution. I’m sure that my dad was mostly attentive, but at the time he was working a job and taking evening classes for his  engineering degree. So, mom took care of me afternoon and early evening, and dad did late evening and night, with the boys taking care of me in the mornings. I suspect that my brothers were less than attentive, and dad probably covered the basics. So early in my life I was definitely consuming essentially protein and vitamin shakes (that’s really what baby formula is), and that was likely mostly happening during probably a 6 hour block later in the day. Now, if someone had explained to me decades ago that: the pattern set in the first 6 months of my life, combined with what we know of how we are nutritionally evolutionarily designed, essentially equaled green drinks, protein and minerals, with few calories consumed in the afternoon- that would have been problem solved before it even started. I’d already be in ideal physical condition. Now that I’m finally figuring this formula out completely, I have literally decades of conditioning (and weight) that I’m having to overwrite/loose, combined with what government agencies and food producers have convinced everyone is correct- which is pretty much the opposite. That analogy I’ve used before of an alcoholic having to live in the liquor store, now gets more complex because the alcoholic now has to fight his brain and every customer telling him that there’s nothing wrong with a drink at every meal, and standing there trying to tell well meaning people “no drink thanks”. So, now I’m faced with fully knowing the battle, but now the battle is even harder. Not impossible, just really difficult. Seeing the problem and the key to the solution is 2/3rd’s of fixing the situation. All that is missing is appropriate action now, and every day.

Another epiphany that I faced yesterday, through tears, has to do with the homeless man I wrote about last. I realized that the reason I am so passionate about helping the homeless and other portions of our population that have been brushed aside, is because I feel like that person. I feel like I’ve been brushed aside over and over, sometimes by our government, sometimes by family, sometimes by those I thought were friends. I feel like I have done my level best, and yet at every turn to have been stonewalled, misguided, and lied to. I did everything I was supposed to. I aced high-school, did all the extracurriculars, volunteered; I was 13th out of 77 graduating seniors, in a school where everyone excelled if they tried, because there was plenty of help and resources to be had. I went to college and proceeded to do the same thing graduating in 4 years with Honors from a Big 10 School, despite transferring colleges twice. I continued to volunteer, was part of student organizations, continued to perform, and at one point carried 21 credit hours while working full time (just to ensure being done in 4).  Yet once school was over all bets were off. That’s where the happy showering of graces stopped. I entered the work force at the height of the housing bubble bursting. People were losing jobs left and right and I was trying to find my dream carrier. It just did not compute. I still managed to survive on less than desirable jobs, I fell in love with Nathan and supported him and beautiful Anya through a very messy and painful divorce. And shit just got worse and worse instead of better. I love them both immensely, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that finding love screwed me over in other ways.  I definitely didn’t get my house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, nice car, and a dog. Now, feeling like the 2nd chance that I’ve yet to find for myself, is so vital for everyone, that I want to make it a possibility for as many people as I can. When I do finally figure out my 2nd chance I will make certain that I can do that for others, even if it ends up being one at a time. I think it is my purpose in life. I’ve always had a desired to help people, it’s why I went back to school for massage therapy, this epiphany only solidifies that and gives it a more specific and intense direction.

The final epiphany is a very personal one. Polyamory- why does my brain gravitate to that? Simply put it helps balance that equation of love. I spent so many years hiding from bullies, running from the memory of the attempted molestation, feeling like my parents and siblings were distant at best, but more likely disappointed in me, that I need to feel more love. I know logically that searching for love outside of myself is hazardous, but the love I give myself seems to be inadequately filling an ever hungry giant gaping void that is like the alien plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”. I honestly wonder if I sat giving myself love all day every day, if I would ever fill that void, and that’s with feeling a connection to the divine. That’s why every relationship I’ve had was in a goal to feel more love. As I wrote before, the one situation before Nathan was so that I would be able to tell mere physical interaction from a loving interaction. It did help me to feel the difference. Then the goal was to find another of those. Every person I’ve been with since falling in love with Nathan, was for looking to find that feeling of love. Some of them I did but to a lesser degree, some of them just weren’t to be at all. Now that I suspect I’ve found another like Nathan I find that I’m oscillating between ecstatic over the possibility of feeling that loving connection in person twice over, and fear of having that possibility taken from me. Having faced disappointment so many times, the last thing I want is more of that. However, I know I am strong. I know I will survive regardless. I’ve kept myself from suicide enough times and pulled myself out of depression enough times to know that I will survive. I half believe that I’m nearly immortal and will probably live well into my 90’s if not past 100. I will survive, and regardless of how, one day my emotional void and love equation will balance.

Yet all of these epiphanies bring me back to this morning’s email messages. How do I get from desire: a well thought out, detailed desire, consisting of decades of input; to Expectation?

ex·pec·ta·tion (via Google)
ˌekspekˈtāSH(ə)n/
noun
  1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
    “reality had not lived up to expectations”

 

Belief huh… So today’s goal after Invoicing… find a belief place that these things will come to pass.

That:

I will get my second chance.

I will get to help others find their second chance.

I will have the willpower to stick to my new dietary knowledge and heal my body.

I will be able to build beautiful Atira.

I will be able to give my good friends jobs should they want them, and even homes too.

I will have a loving supportive successful poly-family.

I will have a beautiful comfortable Monolithic Dome home with modern amenities and with minimal impact to the environment.

I will be able to give back: to society, to the world, to people, to mother earth, to those that have stood by me over the years.

I will have LOVE in Abundance and Abundance in all things.

Those statements feel good. To find belief in them I think I’ll spend the afternoon visualizing all the details. Since Ms. Brittany was one of the emails I’ll do some EFT to help overcome some of my negative beliefs and expectations.

Goal: Positive Expectation. Wish me luck.

Image from Shutterstock.com

What’s in a Belief?

Google Surveys, giving me play store credits, has enabled me to build my already massive music library even bigger. Listening to new songs like Kaleo’s “Way Down We Go” and old favorites like Flogging Molly’s “Float”, I find myself contemplating beliefs and my life again. I suppose it’s better than ruminating on one topic.

According to Abraham Hicks: “A Belief is simply a thought that you keep thinking”. That was their explanation, but part of a larger discussion on essentially habitual thoughts.  By their definition many thoughts can fall under belief.

We often think of beliefs as being religious in nature, and true many of them are, but not all are according to that definition.

For instance, I consider myself Pagan, as that seems to be the closest label to put on my religious beliefs. Being raised in a split faith family, Mom being Catholic and Dad being Mormon, I saw at an early age that religion was merely someone’s definition of how to attempt to get closer to God. Catholics and Mormons have many similarities, though they can’t seem to see it or find that common ground in practical interactions. I noticed that they liked to argue over seemingly simple things like whether or not Coffee was an OK drink, but ultimately it was because someone somewhere had labeled it as not being good, and then a bunch of people agreed that drinking coffee would keep you from reaching God. When really maybe it does for some and not others. I always did wonder why they couldn’t agree to disagree on what works best for them in reaching God.

That was just in my family dynamics, not to mention how I later perceived the millennia long battle that still rages today in the middle east over essentially the same issue. It may be a little more complex than that, but ultimately it boils down to who was there first and who is “right”. It seems such a waste of human lives for thousands of years to keep arguing over such an insignificant issue. I mean really Judiasm, Christianity, and Islam share the same original teachings of the old testament, and their differences lie much later, so why fight war after war for centuries? Just to try and claim the title of “We’re right!”.

But that is a tangent, my beliefs are what started this blog post.

So, religiously I see the divine as a masculine feminine duality that manifests in a myriad of archetypal forms or labels. I’ve heard it compared to as a gem with facets, God being the gem, and the archetypal forms being the facets. I like that analogy. That’s why it un-phases me to switch between the old pantheons, I see the different deities in each pantheon as being ethnic labels of the same archetypes. Hence my previous post referencing Kali and Brighid as being two divine creatirces, because they are essentially the same archetype from 2 separate pantheons: Celtic and Hindu.  It’s the same reason I can listen to and sing Sanskrit mantras and turn around and reference something Bhuddha is credited for and turn around and speak of Bast or Bacchus.  They are all merely facets of the same God diamond or Goddess opal. So as far as faith goes I seem to have fairly flexible beliefs.

Not much good it’s done me. I see messages, I hear messages, but I rarely understand them, and they do little in the way of improving my life situation.  I do believe in psychic abilities, though mine seem to be spotty at best and completely unreliable at worst. At this point the trajectory my life has taken is so treacherous that I hardly think anyone would willingly choose it, yet I still have a belief that we- at least in part- choose aspects of our life journey before being born. I have yet to figure out why I have those 2 dissonant beliefs, especially since my journey seems to be so daunting that it literally scares people I care about away.

I have beliefs on money that I know are literally habitually ingrained from watching my parents as a small child. So much so, that I have yet to break them, and I fear that it is not only preventing my growth and financial abundance, but it is also self-perpetuating in being passed on to my children. Especially considering that Anya is about to be 12 and Ian is already almost to the magic age of 3 where most beliefs area already learned and being ingrained in our brains. I fear these beliefs have already done, and are likely to continue to do irreparable damage- but perhaps that is just another belief.

I have beliefs on social interactions, and government goings on, and aliens, and conspiracy theories, and vaccines, and things that are healthy or not. I have beliefs on education, and success, and whether or not my family listens to me, and so many more.

All of which I find myself constantly attempting to evaluate in real time and rephrase when possible. For instance I’ve noticed that I have almost a mantra of my husband and kids don’t listen to me, and I’ve been actively attempting to retrain my brain with “they listen, but like anyone can, they often forget or get distracted”. I don’t know that it is the end all, be all, fix for that particular belief, but it does feel better than “no one listens to me”. That is ultimately what we’re supposed to be reaching for right? Just a little better and a little better, until eventually you can see that there is improvement.

Then Louise Hay in her book “You Can Heal Your Life” explains that disease and discomfort are essentially outward manifestations of negative beliefs you carry about yourself and your life. Thus many of her solutions involve the mantra “I Love Mysef” or “The universe is safe and I am supported”.

I find that I have been working with those a lot this week and I am still and struggling with pain. My neck locked up two days ago, and my calves are on the verge of creating shin splints and plantar fasciatis because they have been in pain for nearly 2 weeks. Now granted I am working out 2 to 4 times a week, and that will contribute to leg pain of any kind, but I’ve also had a massage and a chiropractic adjustment in the last week. SO, Im left with the fact that this pain, that keeps migrating around my body, must be energetic.

Dear Louise says that pain is really guilt, and I have to say I can’t argue with that. I do feel guilt. Guilt that my family is suffering the financial strains that mine and Nathan’s journey has created. Guilt that I don’t have a great, wonderful, comfy, secure home with running water. Guilt that I don’t have enough cash flow to anticipate car repairs or other emergency situations. Guilt that I don’t have a decent vehicle. In fact, I would say that I feel utterly ashamed that I have tried so many different things, moved us so many times, changed jobs many times over as well, I have 2 different educations, and I still can’t provide for my small family what most Americans take for granted. It lends to beating myself up, but it also lends to being bitter over American Societies’ standards and  feeling furthermore a dunce for not being able to figure things out. I would say I’m definitely having trust issues with the Universe’s support, and any time there is shame it becomes a huge dark cloud over self-love.

It’s not that I can’t find good qualities in myself. There are many, as I started to outline in a previous post. I would say that generally speaking I do love myself, as I’ve managed to fight many battles in my life and I find myself sitting here in a very Monty Python kind of way screaming “Get Back Here! I Can Still Bite Your Knees Off!”. It’s just that my self-love has been overshadowed by the very real shame and guilt I feel, compounded by being in the environment I am most ashamed of.

I find myself wishing that the image, of when Shiva appeared to me while sitting on my front porch, was real. I was dealing with a somewhat scary spirit on the land, I could feel a very intense heavy oppressive sensation, when I called out to the divine for help. That moment a beautiful Shiva came and said it was ok, he’d help, and sure enough the image of Shiva literally consumed the dragon-like bear image I had of the oppressive spirit lingering outside. I felt calm and peace and that the other spirit had been run off, at least for the time being.

I do wish that would work with my life in general. I wish there was someone, anyone, that would look at my long list of woes, hold me and tell me that it was OK, because they were there to help. Yet, it’s not in the cards, at least for now. It might someday, maybe eventually, thus I leave the door open for possibilities, and hold out a little shred of hope. For now, I continue on my self-work. I will slowly work on my body and my mind, relaxing the muscles over and over again, telling myself that even though things have not gone as planned, the war isn’t over yet. That I still have many battles left in me, and there is no guilt or shame in that because I haven’t given up. That’s all I can do. I’m human, and all that is ever expected of any human is to just keep trying, just keep doing. I’ve learned a lot, and I will continue to learn each and every day of my life. Perhaps at some point those lessons will net substantial gains in my physical reality, but regardless I will do my best. For that I shall always love myself. No one else can dictate what my best is at any given moment, only I can define that, and I know I will always do my best. I will hold onto that in the knowing that the divine would expect no less and no more, and that the divine is supporting me in that journey. Self-work continues.

 

Image courtesy of:  http://www.gauravblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Lord-Shiva.jpg