Tag Archives: self respect

Inner conflict despite iE

Despite my learning moments of the previous post, I’m feeling huge contrast in myself right now which I’m struggling to gain control of: be fully and completely supportive of a good friend and keep my mouth shut, or risk hurting them by voicing my observations and opinions of the cosmetic procedure industry and how it probably relates to someone they know.

I’m likely to be in a situation in the nearer future where a friend would be introducing someone they know. Normally, I’m like cool, a new person to meet. In this situation, despite my best efforts, I’ve already made judgements about the person because of their chosen line of work.

On the surface we’re both in the same genre of work, being “healthcare” related (admittedly for both of us that’s a stretch in different ways). However, their chosen branch goes against pretty much everything I care about.

The particulars I’m not at liberty to discuss, but let’s just say their current position probably pays well, but involves getting a paycheck as a result of taking money from people naive enough to think that an “easy” medical procedure can solve their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth issues.

I have always distrusted cosmetic procedures because they are short sighted, and that was before I went to massage school, and well before they created several television shows over the addictive nature and risks of cosmetic surgeries.

I have seen many times over where people went in and suffered far worse than was implied going in. I’ve also known many people that went in for things that were supposed to fix X and either didn’t completely fix X, or caused problem Y. One of my best friends went under the knife to have breast reduction for back pain, and it left her with horrible scars, no sensitivity, and her back pain was not completely solved, then she gained weight overall and her breasts literally grew back part of the way. I’ve seen people go in to reduce post pregnancy loose skin and have repeat surgeries to correct scarring. I have worked on hundreds of people that went under the knife and then had lasting problems for decades, which they attempted to remediate with frequent massages.

Now add to that the new “gentle cosmetics” of kryotherapy and various laser treatments for fat, skin, and hair. None of these new procedures have been practiced long enough to know if they will cause any longer term concerns such as hair follicle regrowth defects, fat cell overgrowth, or heaven forbid cancer.

To me kryotherapy seems at best an expensive temporary solution, and at worst something that could lead to oversized deformed fat cells because people unwilling to change their diet will have bodies with fewer cells trying to manage just as large of a problem.

Cosmetic surgeries and procedures are called cosmetic because they don’t actually treat the root cause.

I don’t understand how anyone with self-respect could willingly do a job day-in and day-out for years, knowing not only are they not actually truly solving any problem, but likely contributing to addictive behaviours. Beyond that, I don’t understand how anyone can justify capitalizing monetarily off of another person’s self-esteem problems. I’ve seen too much evidence that those that enjoy working in such an industry either have self-esteem issues themselves and thus enjoy reaping the benefit of greatly reduced costs of utilizing services repeatedly, or really enjoy taking other people’s money for little effort. The former is sad to me, and the latter makes me say “really, there’s other more ethical ways to accommodate that”.

I may not have a perfect body, and I have not solved my health puzzle completely. However, I’ve gotten further on my own, than Western Medicine ever even tried to. If I had followed doctor’s advice I’d be like my one (nearly 400 pound) brother, over 300 pounds and popping pills left and right to continue to get worse and worse, fatter and fatter.

My God given body has full ability to heal and be as beautiful as I desire once I figure out the precise combination of things that God intended it to experience. I’m very close to figuring out that puzzle and with no help from any doctor, or nurse, or cosmetic anything or anyone.

That’s why I don’t wear makeup or shave. God gave me this gift and I was the one that misused it leading to excess fat and ill health. I am the only one that can change to allow for my body to return to it’s full splendor.

No one forced food down my throat. I’m the one that made those choices. I’m the one that cleaned my plate because Dad said so, even when I knew I was full. I’m the one that allowed society, friends, and family to dictate what was acceptable food, instead of listening to my inner voice. I’m the one that kept gorging on sweet baked goods, allowing my brain to become addicted, instead of reminding myself I didn’t need it. I’m the one that allowed other’s telling me I was fat, or stupid, or ugly to take hold on my brain. I’m the only one that allowed those experiences to affect my brain and body, and I’m the only one that can fix it. I’m the only one that can find real lasting solutions and align with God. Western Medicine can do blood work to help tell me what is off, but only I can make the changes to myself to help correct it. Only I can align with proper nutrition and the divine energy that heals everything.

In that acknowledgment I have to also acknowledge that every bit of my body is as God intended. If God didn’t want for me to have body hair, it would have been exempted from my genetics, I have worked on people that naturally had little to no body hair. I can’t find fault with things built into my genetics and still find the healing I seek- finding fault with any part of yourself only keeps you apart from the energy that created your self to begin with. Only by acknowledging the divine perfection of my body can I help align it to it’s original manufacture.

So, I’m in a conundrum of wanting to be supportive of a friend and thus accepting of someone they find value in. Yet, I’m struggling to find that value, because my only knowing of them is the one thing that goes against my core beliefs and causes me to doubt their character.

I’m totally over superficiality, and to me the cosmetic industry has caused an epidemic of superficial people.

This is one conundrum I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around. I want to be supportive because I do care about my friend. I may just end up being very quiet when I finally meet this other person. Alas, that will be on the friend’s terms because I’m still not texting until I have something to respond to. I’m not the only one that knows how to use technology to communicate.

May you have an easier time finding value in others even when you don’t agree on things. May you build strong friendships. May you experience God in your life and know your own value. May you have a deeper understanding of yourself and others, and a truly deep experience of life in general.

Siva Hir Su

Awe and amazement…

Nathan and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. We’ve been together over 16 years. Anya was born over 14 years ago, and her mom left us over 13 years ago. I very much enjoyed her early childhood, but often felt like I wasn’t as much of an influence as I would have liked to be. Nathan has always sworn otherwise.

Tonight I really truly saw myself in my children and it was wonderful.

I really saw Ian and his thought processes. It was an “I discovered mini me” moment. He was getting frustrated because I said “I love you” followed by “I want to set my seat-mat”. I walked him through in painstaking detail how those are 2 separate concepts, the pause shows that, and they were not any bearing on his intelligence. I explained I know he knows how to push buttons and turn things on and off and even to change settings. I then explained how I know he’s learning to read, but he just doesn’t know the words for those settings yet and it would be faster for me to set it, than teach him how.

Essentially, he had thought that my 2 sentences meant I thought he couldn’t set my seat, like he was unable. As soon as I explained it the long way, he understood it was just he hadn’t gotten that far yet. My son, detail oriented just like me. Super intelligent just like me. Eager to learn, just like me. Impatient with himself, just like me. Super sensitive, just like me.

I told him that learning is like telling your brain I love you. The more he learns things the happier his brain will be. It’s a start… that will eventually be breaking curves, just like me.

Then Katherine decided to join the fun. I watched my 17-month-old run and sidestep an object without breaking stride. I watched her then do a pratfall in a perfectly clear area and laugh at herself. Then minutes later she demonstrated being able to climb the baby gate. She even demonstrated fine motor skills of putting a spoon part way through the slots of the baby gate and pulling it back. She tried to feed one of the kitties with the same spoon.

She made me sound out words by intently watching my mouth and then jabbing my lip for emphasis. I could see how intently she was focused on learning everything as fast as she possibly could, just like me.

As I sat eating my evening treat: almond butter and cashew butter mixed with a bit of honey, she climbed up on my lap and pointed at it and then her mouth, just like “Simon’s Cat“. I proceeded to give her as much as she wanted. I explained to her: “Uh oh, and I break all the rules: you’re not supposed to have any of these until you’re 5”. I thought that’s so silly, they have no idea how healthy these are for people.

I told her the nuts had nutrients that helped her use other nutrients, and healthy fats that help fix broken cells and build a great brain, and the sweet honey gave energy to do everything.

I then marveled at how on Earth could anyone actually believe that those are unhealthy foods.

Those are essentially first foods, the human race has been eating since the beginning of mankind on this planet. We have been conditioned over millennia that those foods sustain life. It’s only with modern problems that people’s bodies have been trained to think those items contain negative triggers.

Peanuts alone: a major anaflactic allergy was 1 in 100,000+ only a couple/few of decades ago. Now it’s 1 in 140, and a major portion of that escallation has happened in the last 10 years. Answer yourself how are our bodies being told that peanuts are so bad?

Nuts, fruits, and meats were first foods, and honey was the first sweetener. It amazes me that people have been trained that honey for babies will kill them. It is true that honey can have minute traces of botulism toxin, yet that toxin is what we inject in large quantities in adults for everything from puffy lips to migraines. There have been a rare few cases of babies that have died where honey was introduced just before their death, but no smoking gun to prove that’s what killed them. I’m going to point out here that either those babies were exposed to higher levels of botulism than normal (which can happen a number of ways), or they had very weak systems that would have struggled against nearly everything in their environment. The cases are sad but no reason to rule out honey as life sustaining food.

I have always fed my children Earths first foods and will always continue to do so. Yet I strive to keep as many man-made chemicals out of their bloodstream as possible. None of my children have suffered, and by my awe and wonder this evening- I know that they are flourishing.

I am ever so grateful that I have the knowledge and intelligence to have this experience. I am extremly grateful for my guiding connection to the divine that helps me see both the path to, and the results from, a moment like this. I am grateful that my children are just like me, regardless of money in the equation, it will get them far.

May you see the blessings in all your qualities. May you see the best of your children and be able to help them learn and grow on a path of least resistance. May you feel the love of the divine, and the guidance to give your children the best chances in this world. May you find full understanding of yourself and how wonderful it can be to help another little being discover this world.

Be well and be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Discernment

So yesterday was a very interesting day full of discernment.

I had several moments where residents passed on messages for me from afar/spirit. It was not quite as intense as the couple of times in recent history which I already wrote about, but intense none the less. I would share them here, but one of the phrases that I received from the second resident to do so, makes me think I should refrain from sharing yesterday’s experiences for now. She is a resident that is severely affected by something along the lines of Lewy-Body, and most of the time I can barely understand her. Yesterday however, the message was loud and clear and makes me cautiously, yet excitedly, anticipate my nearer future. It was unclear if what was being conveyed would be before, during, or after our family trip, but I interpreted it to be a good thing regardless.

On that note, I’m not a good liar, it’s one of many reasons why I prefer honesty. I find that in situations where I am not supposed to talk about something I  just avoid full discussion and become evasive, often redirecting or changing the topic all together. So, this is as much as you get until I get further notice from either the divine or the person it was regarding. All in all, other than wishing to disclose my reason for excitement, I am just happy to have had a good day.

I felt my connection all day yesterday, to varying degrees, and whether it is my mystery person of the last several years or a divine connection I’ve come to refer to as “my ET”: I’m still not sure. I’m not so sure it isn’t the same thing, perhaps “my ET” simply used HAL to be a mystery person in my experience. Who knows; I don’t.  One day, perhaps after I die it will become clear. However, for now, I relish the connection, and I am utterly grateful for it, even when I find myself saying “WTF- what is happening?!” It is strong and mostly feels good to great, and affects my body in a number of ways which I occasionally have trouble describing with the English language. Of course sometimes the sensations would make anyone blush, so I’d just rather keep those descriptions to myself. Mostly I find it pleasurable, but occasionally I get a pit in my stomach or feel very anxious from it. At those times I am still grateful to have the experience, but often wish that particular aspect would subside quickly.

Anyway, yesterday was mostly good, and felt great, but in the evening I thought that I would have a drink with dinner- partly to celebrate the good day, and partly to mellow out and relax. I had a singular hard cider with 5% alcohol. I was very quickly sloshed, even to the point of slurring words and silliness, and afterward the fall off was anything but mellowing. It was more like jumping off the cliff and I got very tired and quite cranky. I apologized to myself, my family, and especially to the connection. It was far more intense of a response than I had intended with my one normal drink.

Further discernment came late in the night after having slept for a few hours I woke with intense gastro-intestinal cramping and nausea. I took some homeopathic medicine we usually give to Katherine for her allergy induced colic, went to the bathroom, and then went back to sleep. I woke this morning mostly back to normal.

My discernment here is that I have cleaned my system up so much that even a little of some things is too much for me. My phrase this morning is that I no longer find my enjoyment in foods and drinks. I am definitely coming to terms with my body desiring to only have enough healthy foods for sustenance, and that I really don’t need anything else.

The up side is that I am dropping weight again, I’m down almost 15 pounds in a little over 2 weeks. That causes me to do a happy dance because it is in direct contrast to the 50 pounds I had gained working the activities job the prior 9 months, and being surrounded by all the things my body was attempting to say no to.

My calorie intake has dropped significantly, not intentionally. I am still eating frequently, in fact more frequently than before. However, I’m just sticking to that handful of healthy foods that my body is okay with. Some days I feel like I am a fish because I find myself consuming other fishes, shrimp, and lots of green leafy things. If it were not for my nut and chicken intake I wouldn’t have anything to argue otherwise.

My nut intake increased intuitively based on a memory of information I had learned on Brazil nuts. So I am literally eating all the nuts except Walnuts (I had reacted to them strongly while pregnant so I’m assuming they are still off limits), and very few peanuts (though I have never reacted to them, they tend to carry high levels of environmental toxins). At the same time, my chicken/poultry/protein-shake intake has decreased, again based on an intuitive flash that I might be consuming more protein than I need.

So my intuition said, more nuts (especially Brazil), less protein, cut the chocolate (addiction), and eat more frequently. Then voila, I am suddenly shedding weight again. I love it when I listen to those flashes, and follow through and it works! That is the best kind of discernment.

So this now tea totaler, wishes you good days filled with intuitively helpful discernment. I also wish for you to have all the messages from the divine that you need and the ability to be honest and open in your life. Be the Change and Be Your Unique Self.

So Mote It Be; Siva Hir Su

It’s not a tumor

Or a gallstone.

After 36 hours of resting and detoxing, Epsom baths and super-clean minimal eating, I was better enough to do a half day of work. Or so I thought.

I went in and after an hour, my headache and body pain flared again. I was exasperated.

I worked 6 hours and went home to rest and detox some more. I even did cupping to pull out toxins. My body really needed that.

After all of the rounds of cupping (both shoulders and back), I ended up with big dark circles and blisters from severe muscle congestion, all over my upper body. I looked like a giant octopus had attacked me, but I felt so much better.

I was certain at that point I must have accidentally ingested too much actual pepper.

I knew the dinner theater trip I took with residents had served veggies with red peppers in them, but thought I’d picked all the bits out. I must not have, or there was something else I missed, because several of my allergens cause body pain like that. However, this round was super intense because I haven’t experienced the burning in my chest, shoulders, and arms before.

Needless to say, I’m back to the brain-mouth argument over foods in my environment. My brain knowing that the reaction sucks enough to say no, but my mouth knowing how tasty everything is. It’s a never ending battle that my will-power wins when I’m pregnant, but often loses when I’m the only one to suffer.

So to reset, my goal is to stay clean from here on out, a monumental challenge in the environment I work in. I just can’t afford the reaction and resulting pain and time off it causes.

On the up side Katherine is still doing great. Still a few days from being a year old, and she’s climbing stairs on playground equipment (family went out while I was predisposed with my few hours of work).

She is intent on catching up with Ian as quickly as possible. She even takes his trucks and plays with them just like him. I hope she sticks to the good things and ignores his bad behavior. I’m also very grateful that she enjoys being outside so much, we’ll get lots of miles out of that.

May all of you enjoy sunshine, outdoors, progress, self-care and calm immune systems.

Good nite and be well.

The Real Dirty Work Starts with a Bang.

 That is my leg with arnica gel all over it after meeting a sledge hammer in the worst possible way.  A physical manifestation of the proverbial 2×4 to the psyche.

It was January 1st: New year’s day. We needed to cut wood for the stove to continue with having wonderful heat.  I did what I always do- help. It doesn’t matter how busy I’ve been or how tired I am,  if there’s work to be done that I will benefit from,  I do my best to help.  New year’s may have been a holiday,  but really it was just another day in my life, so help I did. 

Nathan was using the chainsaw to cut chunks,  & I was using the maul to split those chuncks. All was going fairly smoothly,  but there was one section of log that just didn’t want to split. I gave up on it several times to split others. After about 30 min of swinging the maul and sledge hammer,  I’d caught up to Nathan & didn’t have any other large pieces to work with. So I went to give the stubborn piece one more try.  I got the maul into it again, & started to pound on the maul with the sledge.  It wasn’t budging, so I reeled back to give one really hard hit. As the sledge came down it grazed the maul just barely & continued full  force into my shin.

I saw stars – again!

 After falling off the steps just weeks before, it seems there’s a theme here like with Wiley E. Cyote & Road Runner. 

I hobbled over to the van to sit & put my leg up on the door. Nathan went to get ice & arnica. I knew since I could walk it wasn’t broken,  hairline maybe,  but not bad.

Ian kept asking: mommy what happened,  why are you crying.  I kept telling him:  I hit my leg hard, it really, really hurts.

When Nathan brought the ice,  my leg hurt too much to put it on, so I started to down Arnica pellets. For best effects you are supposed to space the pellets 15min. I think I was managing every 5min. After several rounds of pellets I moved inside,  applied the gel, & then managed to  gingerly rest the ice on it. About an hour later is when I took that picture.

At this point, 3 days later,  it’s still tender to the touch,  but otherwise you can barely tell anything happened.  I’m so grateful for Arnica.

Now, having had a chance to reflect, I see that I’ve yet again gotten the proverbial 2×4 to the head again.  What do I mean by that? 

Well, it seems that when the other side:  be it guides, spirit (s), ancestors, &/or God- (I’m really not sure whom); is trying to get your attention and you’re not figuring it out, they make you stop. Literally.

Every time,  something happens, which forces me to stop for a while.  I’m literally forced to take a break.

Now,  I’ve written about messages that I’ve gotten lately. So I believe I’m getting it,  but then they make me stop. So obviously I’m missing something somewhere. 

Maybe its bad interpretations on my part.  Maybe I’m not getting all of the messages. Humans, including myself, do tend to have selective listening. I’m really not sure, but I’ve had to stop and step back.

For some people that might be easy,  but for my rumination inclined mind,  it’s not.  That’s really my dirty work, and very difficult,  especially emotionally. 

How then do I analyze and interpret without ruminating?  The answer is still elusive to me, but I’m working on stopping the analyzing when it turns negative too long- thanks to some tools gleaned from therapy. 

So far,  it seems my new messages seem to be about focusing on myself for a bit.  Giving myself loving care,  slowing down, allowing myself to be more in the energy of healing.  I’m no stranger to these concepts,  and in general feel pretty good about myself, my strength, my skills, my determination, and my ability to love and find compassion.

 Many other traits as well, but I do admit that I often put others before myself. I frequently focus on others needs more than my own. I can be easily distracted,  and sometimes even a good distraction can be over played/ overdone, and I rarely allow myself to just be and rest.

  Yesterday,  I had a good friend of mine challenge me with the statement that everything is in your life for a reason.  She pointed out that if I’m seeing a pattern,  then it means I’ve not learned from it fully yet.  Things repeat when you don’t get them the first time.

Now, I’ve been off  of Facebook for a little over 2 months.  It’s been a good thing.  I’m less stressed, and those that really care have still stayed connected.  I’m grateful to know that I have a loving husband and supportive friends. That being said I still find plenty of distractions.  I merely replaced Facebook with thoughts and other things. 

My friend suggested that my online intrest might be just that.  He might be my brain’s substitution, essentially filling my desire for a distraction from all the rest. I had to admit she might be right. It could solely be my desire for a loving gentle distraction.

So I’ve intentionally pulled back to try & figure things out.  The last 3 days have been very messy emotionally. 

In my conversation with the friend yesterday she pointed out that there is some kind of energetic misalignment,  & she reinforced that I  need to figure out a way to be happy regardless of whether or not the relationship progresses.

Wow. I keep circulating back around to the feeling place of the connection. How I feel during conversations,  how my heart feels when I think of him, how it’s such a rare experience in my life. There are only 3 others in my life that have shared that connection: Nathan & to a lesser degree 2 of my best friends. I like these feelings a lot, I look forward to them. Intentionally shutting that off is hard.  I feel the lack very intensely.

I can’t help but wonder  why the connection would be so strong,  so unique, if it didn’t mean anything except a distraction.

Regardless, I’ve  logged out, leaving my  contact info behind.  I’ve pulled back energetically.  I’m working on reducing thoughts of him. I can’t help sending the energy of love and respect  and well wishes though. I  just feel I’m hurting myself by doing anything less or contrasting.

I’ve also started to analyze other smaller events of recent.  Attempting to glean messages I might have missed. 

This area is full of KState panther heads in their beautiful purple, but in the last few weeks I’ve frequently seen  it juxtaposed against a red boar- I have no idea whose logo it is, but someone said Arkansas. I think for me it’s less about team references and more about color theory and animal totem meanings. I’ve got a working theory about personality traits, but I don’t fully grok it yet. 

 Then there’s my burn…

Don’t worry,  I shot that while parked at the library. 

The shape is a perfect vesica piscis, having been created when I bumped my hand on the metal shade of my 200W light therapy lamp. The deepest part of the burn has scabbing from it being opened by friction during my massage work.  I can’t help but think of 3rd eye depictions like found on images of Shiva & Buddha. Am I supposed to see meaning behind being burned by light & finding inner knowing? It sounds straight forward enough, but that thought feels off, like maybe I’ve not got the whole interpretation correct.

Finally,  because I do a lot of driving, I seem to get a lot of messages through vehicles.  Bumper stickers, license plates,  etc. Lately there have been abnormally large numbers of repetitive characters. Loads of T’s (reference to my name perhaps), and gobs of GKS/GXS, CX, Z’s, & the number sequence with 9 (789, 897, 798, etc). I don’t really know what these mean. I’ve guessed the numbers might be something to do with birthdays or my placement on the emotional guidance scale (see below). Though I’m not sure, I feel like the x’s & k’s might have to do with kissing (o’s & x’s meaning hugs & kisses,  & kiss often is shortened to kk  or x when texting), & though I’d like it to mean kissing a certain someone,  I’ll leave it at the general idea for now.

Having a painful wake up call makes me hesitate a little on my observations & interpretations a bit.

I have definitely been hovering between “6. Hopefullness” and about “13. Doubt”, but most of my time is at about 9 or 10. Hence the numbers might be accurate.  Obviously I need to work myself back up the scale. Easier said than done.  But acknowledging that doesn’t answer what the letters & numbers mean.

Especially since the last one really shocked me. Sitting in multi-lane traffic, I realized the 3 license plates in front of me had a message.  Left to right the letters of each plate read: FEL, FER, FER. I told Nathan.  He tried looking up the letters. FEL  didn’t return anything useful: there was some female singer,  but he didn’t think it applied. FER returned several results: ” apparently it’s a last name to some. .. Fer is a night club”….  But the one we were both taken aback by is this logo:

Zagreb is in Croatia. I have no living connections to that part of the world, but I have 2, maybe 3, possible deceased connections.   Also,  my online friend is an engineer. 

Is it a stretch? Maybe. I also thought the important overlap of FE could be a reference to needing more iron,  but my diet is currently green stuff & lean meats. I’d think I’d be getting enough iron. 

So yet again,  I’m at a loss,  seeing a message, but having no real clue as to what the hell it means. 

So I’ve slowed down,  stepped back,  & I’m mulling over everything whilst doing my best not to ruminate.  I’m breathing deeply.  I’m listening to music so I can feel something other than my messy ball of emotional goop. I’m working just enough, & accepting anything that happens scheduling wise as vital and necessary.  Which means that yesterday I got a short nap,  and didn’t actually make any money. Instead I traded my  friend  cupping to help her neck & back,  and she guided me through cutting cords. It was a massively intense,  yet very helpful experience.  Yesterday was much needed, and I’m grateful for every second of it. Hopefully I’ll see the meaning/my answers soon,  and my emotions will calm.

For now:

“I am where I am, and it’s okay.”

I will survive,  and continue on this game of life regardless of what happens, I’ve made it 34 years,  I can do at least another 34.

I am grateful for meeting my dear friend online,  I wish him happiness,  health, prosperity, and that all his dreams come true, regardless whether he remains a part of my life.

I acknowledge that having a big heart and easily loving those that readily give me genuine attention, sometimes means I might end up feeling the sting of loss. Loss is part of life, and though it hurts, it is not permanent.  I’m a better person for the loving. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” – Sir Alfred Tynison

I hope that this particular connection means something good,  and has lasting positive effects, but acknowledge it’s out of my hands. This one is not mine to solve, and regardless of what the end result is, I will remain true to myself,  stay strong, and keep moving,  heading toward better days. That’s all anyone can ever do- move forward in whatever that means.