Tag Archives: struggles

Bad mom award…

Despite having a good dose of my thyroid meds, I’m still struggling. A friend pointed out yesterday that my verbal-vomit was hurtful, especially to my son. I removed myself and went home to cry alone, sending the following messages.

Obviously my shit is no better than it ever has been, so why does god bother to show me messages? I don’t know.

I don’t know why, but I’m definitely feeling that analogy from what seems so long ago. Of being trapped on the 13th floor of a burning building, with no rescue in sight. Where leaping to death (suicide) is a sure but finite end, but remaining where I am could lead to slowly painfully burning to death (never really healing my brain). I told Nathan I’m not a celebrity with unending supply of money and unlimited resources, so if they keep losing their wars, what chance do I have.

I know the news of late isn’t helping. I know I’ve had hormone swings still from post birth. I know my puzzle is non-existant: rare exercise, no sun after waking, very irregular sleep schedule, positive social interactions disappeared weeks ago, meditation is sparatic at best, and I was already feeling like a crappy parent (ruminating on my failures) before getting told I was, then pile on overwhelmed from the demands of breastfeeding a baby while trying to go back to work. The only thing I’ve maintained is my diet & fish oil, and that’s miserable little help, especially since labs indicated I’m still reacting to something.

I’m at a loss and feeling it daily. I’ve even found myself repeating it’s a good thing the boy dropped me, no one would want me and my shit. No one can help me, so why bother being around me.

Nathan says he sees my good, my love, and the depression times, though hard, are worth sticking through. Hannah seconded that last night and this morning. Right now I’m having trouble seeing and believing it.

All I know is they wanted me to post how well the baby is doing, saying its amazing. They say it’s proof I’m not a horrible parent.

I think it just means I cared enough to do my best while pregnant.

I learned in my CEU class in May that research shows massages during pregnancy help with motor skill development. So baby is doing so well because my constant working necessitated regular trades with my massage therapist. Sometimes the things I do right are accidental.

So here’s what they wanted to show, with keeping in mind that these are from a not quite 2 month old (born 4/23, & these photos/videos have been taken over the last 2 weeks):

Sitting alone for long periods:

She finally fell over after about 3 minutes of sitting:

Standing & figuring out leg movements:

Progress in crawling:

I’m glad that baby is doing well. If only I could figure out how to get myself back on track with the demands of life right now.

“Always Look At The Bright Side Of Life” -Life of Brian

I admire that quote from the Life of Brian song. I try to do that as much as possible. However, just like every comedic tragedy, my life is sometimes difficult to find the humor.

I admit it I’m human. I’m far from perfect. I’ve made bad decisions, poor choices, and fallen many, many times. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it just does. The “If I’s” and the “What If’s” and “I Should Have’s” just get stuck in my brain. I have to work very, very hard to over-ride them or ignore them.

Regardless, life has challenges, lots and lots of challenges. It seems to be a never ending game of wrestling with myself and everything else to try and “win”.


Today, the challenge: Try to keep my sanity while wandering around IKEA while waiting on the van to be fixed.

Some electrical problem has rendered our one and only source of  transportation to a veritable time bomb. I have had no idea for the last 3 weeks if it would  start, or even if it would stay running once I had started it. I took it to the regular mechanic twice (he’s great at nuts and bolts) could tell us there was a short somewhere, but after 6 hours and 2 visits, couldn’t tell us where.

So, I take it to one of our old mechanics in the Metro. CA Enterprises in Merriam. Great guy, does good work, and does his best to accommodate finances. He hooked up his machine, it was telling him that it was one of a couple of things. He said bring it back the first of the week (Today), and he’d  get it taken care of.

It’s 3:00 and it’s still not done because one part was switched out and another started testing bad. So he’s on a goose chase trying to get it finished by close of business. I have no idea how much it’s going to cost, but to save some money for fuel we told him we only have $500 to work with today. If it costs more than that he said he’s willing to work with us. I certainly hope so because I do need to be able to get to work this week,  & I’m out of my Rx allergy medicine! 

SO, our car will be fixed, but again there will be no fun, no construction materials, no spare change for anything. Yea! 😦

And IKEA, so tempting. There are literally thousands of things that I would absolutely love to have here. I told Nathan that if I had the money, I could take a month off work and have the house done. Finished, furnished and everything.

 So, why go to IKEA, it’s 3 blocks away from the mechanic, air conditioned, and there is a ready supply of food and window shopping.

Too bad the window shopping actually upset me.

I simply found myself saying I could have the trailer as a whole: kitchen, bathrooms, and bedrooms completely finished if I had the resources to pay for building materials and IKEA cabinets, bed-frames and accessories. It was sad, knowing that I have the knowledge, and access to physical resources. LITERALLY the only hold-up is lack of financial resources. It’s frustrating to say the least, and it’s not like I can ever think about not needing money. I’ve got a family, and I live in the United States. As long as I’m alive there will have to be money flow of some kind. I wish I could pretend I didn’t need money, then it might show up in plenty.

Yet, I do try to look at the bright side of life. It’s a comedy after all.

I do have a sort of safe home for my family, at least for now- and it was free to me. I am out living in one of the most beautiful areas I know. Near a lake, and forests. Far enough out to be clean, clear, quiet and simple, yet close enough to be able to access the city. I have a garden with beautiful flowers, which I haven’t been able to do for a decade.

I mostly have my health. I’m working on being a clean eater again. I explained to Nathan that I’m in the midst of grieving over my diet. I know that to be healthy I will never get to eat any of my allergens again: that means no brownies, cheesecake, cookies, no really good breads, no potato chips, no corn anything- ever again. I know this, but I like all of those things so much, that I’m literally having to work myself through that loss. It’s hard, but I want to be healthy for my children. Health is important, so I ironically find a sad twist of humor to grieving over food. Such as: some people in this world barely get to eat to stay alive, and I’m sad that I can’t have cheesecake anymore. Right!

C’est La Vie! Life moves on. At least I’ve had the knowledge and fortitude to acknowledge my allergies, and figure out my triggers. I’ve essentially prevented a decade of IBS or Chrones disease, the resulting hospital trips, possible surgeries, then medications which are hard on the liver.  For all I know I’ve prevented myself having liver cirrhosis in 20 years. That’s good right! 

Also,  except for our electricity usage lately,  I think I’ve had a pretty low carbon footprint.  Reusing materials for construction.  Recycling like crazy,  composting everything (even toilets), really ridiculously low water usage. Even waking around IKEA is low carbon footprint because they use solar for all their power. For a family of 4, right now we probably have a carbon footprint the size of the average American adult male. So yea us! 😉

And I do still look forward to the day that I get to put solar and wind to work for us. Then we’ll have virtually no carbon footprint.

Plus, I have great supportive fiends that let me goof off occasionally,  let me cry on their shoulders,  help me when I need help (that they can accomplish) & one even gave me that house I’m working on.  Those friends were vital to us having a great time at our homeschool co- op summer dance… fun “under the stars”. Who could ask for a better support system? 

So there you have it: my life as a Monty Python style tragic comedy!