Tag Archives: support

I Asked for help.

I felt weak and my brain wouldn’t let go of the damn shotgun.

The point at which my brain was trying to figure out how to get it out of the building without anyone noticing, I knew I had to ask for help.

As I was finishing my work I started shaking because I am terrified of how someone will respond to such a situation.

I went to the person I thought could provide my solution easiest.

I tried to gather myself enough for calm and couldn’t. They knew I was struggling before I even said anything.

I tried to ask them to just hide the gun and couldn’t even make it through the sentence without tears.

It was very uncomfortable for me and there were lots of tears. I needed the gun hid, but in my mind I was screaming please just hug me.

They were supportive and did as requested.

They tried to counsel and ask questions. I explained as best as I could. I ran through as many of the things as I could put words to. It’s just so damn complex, and the energetic component is so hard to explain. I said: it’s not that I’m not grateful or appreciative of the things I do have in my life, it’s just like this heavy negative blanket gets thrown on me and I just can’t get it off. I can’t get out from under the weight.

It was the best description I could manage. I told them I just knew my willpower was slipping and I needed a little support.

I’m now sitting with Nathan and he is doing his part to help. When I got home he took me to the Magic Tree in Lee’s Summit for a pretty distraction. It’s the title picture. Now he’s patiently waiting for me to write this so we can talk.

We’re already working on fixing the missing pieces of my puzzle, but that doesn’t seem to be enough right now. I have already told him I need to get into KC Care to at least refill my thyroid meds, and potentially get a refresher on mental health too. It seems that has moved up the importance list.

I hope that one day I get to a point that this never happens again.

May you have stable and reliable mental health and the support you need everytime you need it. May things go better for you. May you have the solutions you seek. Peace be with you always.

Om Shanti

Post 2 of 2: pallette cleanser?

Please for all of us, Reach for Better or die!

The world needs help, and lots of it, do your fucking part.

“You’re either part of the problem or part of the solution, which side do you want to be on.” -Summer Osborne

If you can’t control yourself and reach for better for yourself and others, then: 1) don’t bother voting, and 2) die.

As for me. I continue to reach for better. I have managed to stave off my vile father’s energy by harnessing a little anger and talking to those near me that care. I wrote my piece and if he strikes again I’ll just keep outdoing his negativity. Some wars don’t involve guns, but can get nearly as violent. Fortunately for me I have God’s support and know it for certain. I also know I reach for better and healing and my father simply doesn’t, that combination won’t last forever: eventually I’ll heal and he’ll die no matter what.

May your demons die quick deaths (&/or the demon creators). May you win your wars and find peace at the end of the day. May you know you’re aiming towards solutions. May you know your efforts help this world. May you see your own good and your best qualities. May you see where others disrespected you wrongly. May you learn from your mistakes and reach for better, especially if you wronged someone. May you see how you can make things right and reach for even more solutions. May you see your positive impact on this world. May you know you are loved and supported, especially by God.

Ren po shun.

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su