Tag Archives: support

And so it begins…

HAL has begun sending me things to reinforce my last post. One of which is the following:

How to Move On: What It Really Means to Let Go: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-move-on-from-the-past-what-it-really-means-to-let-go/

I guess I will never understand fully because letting go and focusing on love seem to be the bigger message. I still wish I had some understanding.

Anyways, in moving on, I had a really good time today with 2 different co-workers during downtime.

I took a walk with the office manager and we had a really great conversation, with some much needed emotional release for both of us. Plus it helped me reach my step goals today. I was very appreciative of that time all around.

I also got to play a couple of games of “Magic the Gathering” with the one chiropractor. It’s a game I used to play with the brother that’s closest to me in age. It has been …. let’s see…. since early 2003 that I’ve played. That’s 16, almost 17, years. Wow!

I still have my cards from back then, but so much has changed that the new decks are much better, so he has been encouraging me to use his. I feel like I’m starting from scratch and completely relearning everything. It’s so fun though. I totally lost big time- on both games, but still enjoyed every bit of it.

I am so out of practice that the strategy feels over my head yet, but I get the concept. The layering of steps and which cards work better in what order can be very complex. I literally had a card in my hand that I’d been holding for several turns, but forgot to leave myself enough mana(land) to use it and it cost me the one game.

I enjoy learning so much though, and it is definitely a fun kind of learning, so it literally made me giddy at one point. I felt like I got silly hyper with the fun. That was a very much needed distraction from my previous focus.

As for learning: I’m still working on hindi and telegu in my spare time, but since I have no idea why God nudged me to do so (especially since I’m letting go of that person) , it’s at a very relaxed pace. I’m getting to where in hindi I can pick out letters and sound out words even though I know very few translations. Telegu I know more translations, but have fewer of the characters memorized. It’s merely a symptom of the different apps and how they teach languages. I like Duolingo and Drops, which both offer hindi, but neither offer telegu. The telegu apps are much less sophisticated, but still get the job done.

I’ve also begun the slow tedious process of becoming an approved continuing education provider for massage therapy. Essentially, the easy part is proving my qualifications to teach a handful of courses by documenting I have so many years working using said techniques, I also have a bachelor’s degree, which though they would prefer it to be related (a BS), it doesn’t hurt. Once I do that easy step, I literally have to follow rules and write my own curriculum which can be no more than 30% cited source material. Finally, once I’ve written everything, I can apply by submitting my CV and courses for approval; of course paying the appropriate exorbitant fees. They really try to dissuade people from becoming providers: can’t have too many teachers and too few students you know!

I’m not intimidated by the process in the least. Their basic calculation is 1200 words equals a credit unit. That’s a blog post for me, so I’m guessing I’ll have more trouble pairing down or figuring out how to subdivide my topics for multiple related courses. However, after having written the operations manual for my previous position, I’m certain I’m up to the task. It’s more about convincing myself to do the free work knowing that eventually I’ll recoup the benefit in paid courses with students in multiplicity.

I’m also contemplating the investment of a site where I can host web-based courses. Essentially, the text/testing coursework can be provided via web interface without practical hands on CE hours. Ultimately that helps spread the information side, but the CMT loses access to the extra CE’s for the hands on practicals. It’s a lower cost solution for both parties, but longterm it would benefit me as the provider more. It’s a huge up front investment, to also have to market like crazy, but longterm reaping significantly higher benefits. Ultimately, it will happen, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the investment side just yet. I’ll contemplate web platforms and do the math several times during my writing phase of this momentous step, and make my final decision during the application process.

Long story short, I’m having fun and learning and inching toward another significant step of improvement. All by my not-so-little own self. I feel like screaming “HA, Take That World!”… but alas I know no one would really truly care anyway. So, I’ll keep my ‘I win’ moment to myself, and relish that I know I’m the only one that gets credit for digging myself out of a decade of hardship…. me and God that is.

May you all have happy dances of overcoming obstacles. May you find kindness around you and moments of connection with others. May you find joy in continually learning and ways to share what you’ve already mastered. May you see God’s grace and support guiding you through all of life’s moments toward brighter futures.

Siva Hir Su

Moving faster…

So, I’m now past the safe home delivery point. I’m officially at 38 weeks, and crunch time is on. I literally could safely give birth any day.

Though I have a bed, and we can still utilize the original backup plan for my water birth, we’re really hoping that our more permanent bedroom is situated by birth, and thus a ready comfy birth suit available.

To that end, we’ve been working like mad to carry out the plans to adjust Miss Hannah’s basement & get full move in ready. I have to say I’m utterly grateful for their offer, and especially for their help. Her and her boys have done so much hands on work, that we couldn’t have accomplished otherwise, especially with me working so many long hours.

Things are moving so much faster and more smoothly than they have for the last 2 years. There have still been glitches, but much more minor, and easier to overcome (less time consuming as well).

Bonus, so far most of the supplies have been things that were originally intended for the trailer remodel, so there’s been little expense so far (mostly paint and carpet squares). This has been an excellent element because we’ve again dumped about a thousand dollars on vehicles repairs.

I’m so over driving long distances all the time.

Since we’ve had such spectacular progress I thought I’d share some images and descriptions.

——————–

Hannah & her boys emptied the space to be our bedroom and put a coat of concrete sealing paint on.

Nathan painted the ceiling and Hannah’s boys and Anya did touch-ups where the sprayer missed. The fluorescent light fixture will get swapped out with one’s I’d intended for the trailer.

Nathan ready for spraying the ceiling:

Before touch-ups:

Hannah & kids helped me glue the bottom studs for the new wall. We had to hold them in place long enough for the glue to grab, then weighted them to sit for 24 hours to dry fully.

The salvage flooring went down. Team effort by all except me. Hannah puttied cracks since it didn’t go back as nicely as new flooring would have.

Nathan & Anya:

Teens helping:

Hannah puttying:

Flooring nearing completion, it was time to build the wall so that trim could soon be installed to finish the floor.

I started the studs last night, and Nathan added to them today based on my markings. The last few studs I’ll have to complete after work tomorrow (mainly because I know where they’re needed to place panels- a live action tetris game).

I feel fairly ridiculous looking in those pictures, geesh….

This is the wall after Nathan’s additions today.

The area below, with all the belongings piled up, will eventually be organized into a family room type area with art space & exercise stuff behind (dark far corners of the picture).

Once the studs are up, paneling will go up fast. I’m thinking we could almost get it done on Tuesday when I’m off. The catch is that I need to leave panels off one side of the wall to run new electrical sockets in it, & accommodate moving the wall switch for the bedroom light fixture. However, as long as the bedroom side is paneled & trimmed, we can assemble our bedroom furniture. It’s 13×15 feet, & tentatively I think we’ll fit our bed, baby crib, & Ian’s bed, and most supplemental furniture (dressers/closets). However, anything that doesn’t fit will be in the little kids room.

Furniture is already available, but piled other places until the room is ready. I’ll have a truly new bed for the first time in years, & this is the first time everyone will all have their own actual dressers in years, all-be-it used (before we shared and supplemented with Rubbermaid drawers). Now we’ve found dressers to accommodate everyone, & the baby dresser that was given to us doubles as a changing table.

Whew.

Finally, we will be to finish the little kids room and what will be my tub & storage room.

For the kids room I literally just need to adjust wall sockets, updating 2 of them to 3-prong (raising them higher out of toddler reach in the process), then hang paneling, trim everything out, & lay carpet squares.

This is the room before:

& yes the wall paneling will hide the furnace.

My tub-room/storage-closet, really just needs fully painted, the one wall paneled, & curtains hung in front of the shelving (on the right in this picture), water-heater (foreground), and furnace (far left of water-heater). The entrance to the room is by the furnace & it’s a small space (about 8×8), so this is unfortunately the best picture of the whole room.

The teen’s already started the painting, getting most of the two walls and shelves done. Little Ian helped some too.

He apparently loved feeling like he was helping.

The 2 panels for that one wall will go up quick and easy, and the floor needs a coat of the sealing paint & the room will be ready for curtains & tub. It will be a cozy quiet space for me to relax occasionally.

This is 2 shots of the basement bathroom. I adjusted existing shelves to create more storage, hanging the one set on the wall with hooks below for towels. I also caulked the tub. It does still need the sink glued in place (a forgotten step/oops by the original installer), & the toilet needs basic maintenance.

I’ll probably paint the board the hooks were hung with, but it’s a low priority, left for last or a teen needing something to do.

I’m very excited, because when all is said and done we’ll have nearly twice the living space we’ve had for the last 2 years, & that’s with sharing a kitchen and living room with another family. We’ll also have running water, and that is just amazingly awesome to me. Little Ian has already enjoyed a few baths with Miss Hannah’s help and he’s loving being able to take them again. I don’t blame him, I missed them too!

So, all that to say we’re headed to another step of improvement being completed. Another rung on the journey of life. *sigh* This is good. All is well.

Rain, Kahlil Gibran Quotes, & Abraham

This morning started with a jab to my full bladder by my 2 year old.  I didn’t want to wake up to begin with,  sleep was good.  I launched straight into cranky. 

No wonder Ian then didn’t want to listen to me or cooperate. He’s such a good mirror. 

After using the restroom & getting him changed & also using the toilet,  I sat out to release the chickens from their confinement. More grumbling over trash & recyclables scattered about. 

Ok. Chill the F out. Oh no,  too much to ask. 

 Breakfast & TV, Ian still not listening, & Nathan asking me what’s wrong.  I didn’t have a good answer. 

He pointed out I get grumpy every time Anya is gone.  I couldn’t argue.  She’s gone until Monday, for fun in the Ozarks with friends.  I’m jealous,  I’m frustrated over the loss of help with Ian,  but more I’m just missing someone I love. Step-mom or not,  we’ve been connected for all 12 years of her life.  I’ve watched her grow up, helped her as much as I could,  taught her things,  experienced the joys and everything else of childhood. Most of my actions over the years linked back to supporting  Nathan and Anya and helping keep their relationship and our family intact. I love her,  & so I  miss her when she’s gone.

The TV was shut off. Ian and I needed a reset.

Then the rain  began.  Dark, dreary, but cool & cleansing. Ian & I watched from the sofa.  All the “noise” was coming from either  Ian or the rain hitting the house. It was more peaceful. I decided to check the emails that’d come in earlier.  

The Abraham email reinforced what Nathan pointed out.  I need to find my happy.:

The standard of success in life isn’t the things. It isn’t the money or the stuff — it is absolutely the amount of joy you feel.

Excerpted from Lincroft, NJ – Tuesday, October 15th, 1996

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

 I’m not too far in the hole,  really just a bit cranky, so it shouldn’t be too hard. 

 Then I started reading another email where the blog author was looking at herself,  avoiding judgement,  and how difficult that was.  I  felt that one.  Her non-judgemental writing was beautiful and I could see how her tune  changed, her vocabulary was so much more beautiful,  and I could feel the shift. Is that why it’s so hard to do?  To shift mentally from one extreme to the other, that’s quite a leap. The mental energy required to do so must be why it feels so daunting and difficult. Yet the results are so worth it, her straight forward description was so beautifully written it caused me to get choked up imaging what words I might use to describe my physical self.

Then the last email brought me to tears. It was: 

Inspirational Kahlil Gibran Quotes – Logical Quotes 

http://www.logicalquotes.com/kahlil-gibran-quotes/

I was unfamiliar with this author,  but the words were so intense. I immediately thought of my friend who’s out east right now. I’m missing him so much. The Kahlil words tugged at my heart. Despite having messages,  and faithful confidence,  I found myself feeling pangs of sadness.  I felt disconnected. I felt that he’s so out of reach right now,  and all I want to do is hug and hold him close.

Yet some of the quotes spoke  of love made  in difficult times,  and I immediately thought of Nathan.  Our love is so strong  because of our ability to endure. I can’t imagine a world without Nathan in my life. He’s supported me through the most difficult and intense depression, he’s kept me from the brink of suicide.  He’s walked through every change with me and held my hand and done things himself just to support my journey of finding mental health.  He’s benefited from all of that,  but it would not have happened if not for our bond of love. I’m ever so grateful. The joyous moments are there too, but Kahlil is right in that the difficulties endure in memory.  His love and support in those difficulties means so much more because he could have given up on me and walked away. He chose to keep coming back,  he chose to support me through thick and thin,  he made love matter more. That is priceless. 

So this morning is full of love and introspection.  Ian is 2. I love him,  and I know he loves me even though he has a really ‘strange to me’ way of showing it. So I’m sitting with the quotes,  feeling the feelings, acknowledging they all stem from an original feeling of love. Perhaps as I focus on and resonate with that love,  my day will improve.  Then, if the rain  clears I’ll show you my garden. It will be a good day regardless.