Tag Archives: take responsibility

Like an EnVogue song

“Free your mind and the rest will follow… Before you can read me you gotta learn how to see me.”

I am complex, I am strong, I am independent, I am intelligent, and yes a bit odd.

That last sentiment I saw staring me in the face headed from work yesterday, or was it the day before, my days are blurring together.

Anyway, SH7 UOD was the plate which my brain clearly and quickly deciphered to “shit you odd”. I nodded at whomever aligned that into my experience, with a mere ‘touche’ for my response.

I know I’m odd, but I also know: have a strong sense and feeling of connection to the Divine, an awful lot of my days. So I’m not so concerned about my oddness. I think some day it will be of great benefit to me, I’m just not there yet.

For now, the “normal” parts of me are of most benefit.

My immense work ethic and capabilities are not only handling a 40 hour work week with an employer, but maintaining my current massage load with a minimum of rescheduling or mistakes.

In addition, I have a whole slew of little wins I am happy I can mention.

I blew everyone away with my veterans day service. It was last Saturday, and I stressed immensely over it, especially when organizing it and decorating for it. When the service started I had the pianist play a short intro and launched into the speech. It was mostly borrowed verbage from my boss’ previous year’s speech, due to organizing time constraints, but I owned the presentation and delivered it with unwavering knowing. We sang; I and another volunteer delivered certificates of appreciation with a minor token of gratitude. I offered flags to all present, and everyone sang some more. I added a few words for wives of veterans and finally there were 3 vets present that shared thoughts of their time in service and cake was enjoyed at the end.

I had numerous thank you’s at the end for such a strong program. One of the toughest critics in the community even gave me a pat on the back with a “job well done”. Another tough critic said she could tell it was heartfelt.

Later I was asked about it, because at this point several people have noted me as being liberal and “one of those people”. I explained all of the veterans in my family and said at the end of the day I’m really just a humanitarian. That I believe regardless of the why, if a country sends people off to war, they better damn well take care of them when they come back, and if they don’t come back, take care of their family.

Since Saturday, both my bosses (all the way up chain of command) and I have been told, multiple times a day, how I did such a great job with the program. It still makes me blush. I’m grateful I had such an opportunity to honor those most deserving.

Additionally, I’ve had several moments this week of crafting lessons go quite well. Not only am I getting time to do things I enjoy and walking away with finished products at no cost to me, but residents are genuinely enjoying learning from me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Finally, Tuesday I was thrown into training the new guy. I was literally introduced right as our boss found out that state had arrived in the building for yearly audit (11 months behind schedule). She looked at me, asked my opinion on what his training should cover and then said “You got this?”. I said ok and she left. She was busy the rest of Tuesday with State auditors and Wednesday with an in-service at an Omaha facility. By the time I connected with her this morning I filled her in on everything I’d already covered with him more as a recap to see what I’d forgotten. She had very few suggestions and left me to plan the next steps of training.

Nathan has already pointed out twice how much she’s trusting me and how much faith she has in me. It’s finally beginning to sink in for me after 3 full days of training him, essentially on my own. I asked Nathan: did they drop him in my lap as a test of my skills and abilities, and his reply was maybe. He said he thinks that they’re more confident of my ability to train him well, than I am, and it’s not really a test if they know I can handle it.

I conceded Nathan is probably right, because except for my manager and the building manager, I’m the only one in the building with all the knowledge to train him. So far, even with feeling like I’m inundating him with information, he’s handling it well and remembering a lot of it. Hopefully it’s a good sign.

Of course he’s an Iowegian too, which has already been topic of conversation with several residents also originally from Iowa. I’m beginning to think that there is something to be said for those raised in Iowa, or at least the Midwest. Our reputations do proceed us in a good way, and are often accurate. He’ll fit right in, as least as far as I’m concerned.

All in all it’s been a very busy month, with very little down time for me (none really- save for a few hours here or there), but I’m hanging in well. I’m feeling more confident and more appreciated than previous. I look forward to seeing how the next few weeks will continue to play out.

Be well and may you all feel appreciated even in your own oddness.

I can only fix me.

This morning started with oversleeping from exhaustion. My infant is still not sleeping solidly through the night, we’re moving, and I’m going on 45 days without any downtime, knowing my next ‘day off’ will encure more heavy lifting.

I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare- only because we grabbed a breakfast bowl from QT, sans the cheese. I get to work and I’m confronted with chatty-Cathy that has spouted a whole mess of broad biased and bigoted generalizations like you’d hear on Fox news, and YouTube followed that with a notification to listen to Cranberries’ “Linger” with Spanish translations.

After the chatty-Cathy I ruminated on writing a long apology to the world. Apology for such an insignificant readership to actually matter, apology that my voice isn’t bigger/louder, apology for the attitudes of middle-class mostly-white over-55 Americans, apology that I’m not able to rise myself up higher/faster to make it known we’re not all like that.

I thought about telling the world to just ignore and walk away from America. That we’ve lost sight of real morals and values (not to be confused with cheap propaganda morals/values) and helping human kind. That America is full of racist bigots that will cast blame on anything and everything someone with any shade of color does, from stealing from our welfare system to opening business here on the American dollar and not paying taxes, both of which chatty-Cathy said within 5 minutes of me walking in.

But then if the world does walk away from America, what’s to come of the few of us genuinely striving for better. What if those few of us eventually need to flee America, where would we go if the world turns it’s back on us.

I realized that I was ruminating from scared, tired, lost and feeling alone. I listened to “Linger” knowing the song well already.

I realized I am a fool, things do go wrong, shit does stink, and sometimes this world sucks badly. I can’t apologize for everything that goes wrong when I’m not in control of those things. I’m also not a victim and refuse to be blamed for every thing that happens, especially when I’m not involved and not around to contribute, and especially when I know I’m already doing my best to help and be a good citizen.

Thus the only thing in my control is working on myself.

I can only vote using my conscious, ignore naysayers and those that insist on following status quo, focus on making my vote fall in alignment with my inner being’s knowing.

I can only focus on finding happy and my next step of improvement.

I can only battle the things that bug me long enough to find a solution. The solution is truly the answer, the battle only begets more battle.

I can only complain long enough to help refocus into a definition of what I need/want, because again complaining begets more complaining, and the solutions are really what I need.

I can’t let things bug me, or I’ll end up being eaten alive by concerns, fears, worries, and guilt.

I can’t keep existing trying to please others all the time. People are finicky and promise things they can’t fulfill. Swear they care, to turn and walk away. Say they like or love something until there’s a cloudy day or they’re simply not feeling like it today. Ask contradictory things of me to either challenge me or prove that I’ll fail, and either way it only accomplishes tearing me down and apart. Say they care to turn and blame me for everything that goes wrong for them. There are only so many apologies I can give before realizing that those apologies fall on deaf ears.

I’m done waisting my breath and heart. I’ve gotten much better at being much quieter, nodding and moving on, even with my own 4 year old. One day I’ll fix myself enough to attract people willing to work as hard as I do, willing to own their own crap as much as I do, willing to improve themselves as much as possible, and willing to work on finding improvement as much as I do, and willing to commit as much as I have.

For now, I must do better at one thing only: finding my happy and my next step of improvement.

The world will continue to be, for better or for worse, with richer and poorer, with birth and health and sickness and death.

All things are in this world and I must do my best to find the best I can, and leave the best mark I can. I must be there for the Divine/God, for good, for myself, for my husband and family. In that order even, as the first 2 really help to be there for myself and my family. That then becomes my legacy by default- was I there for my family enough that they saw my improvement and learned how to find their own improvement.

I wish that for everyone. If we can all accomplish that, eventually this world will seem a much better place. You’ll never eliminate the negatives, but the positives can weigh heavier in our experience, and enrich all of our lives. I wish that for all of you. Be well my dear readers. Find your happy today and most of all days.