Tag Archives: tears

Trying to hide from my fears. 

Be it running on exhausted,  real world woes, or a combination of the two, I find myself hiding in the spa room at work.

On Fridays I work at 3 different buildings owned by the same senior care corporation.  They are nice buildings,  with wonderful people,  none of which have taken the time to get to know me over the last 4 years. I don’t fault them for it,  I’m not in any one of them every day,  they simply don’t see me enough to think they should know me better.

Yet, I find myself today wishing someone did.  I cried hard and long between buildings.  I carefully gathered myself,  regained composure to walk back into the next.  I’ve done my job,  at least as much as I can for the moment, I’m waiting for 2 residents to be available.  So down time to be had, but today that’s not a good thing. 

Today the silence is eating at me, making me want to cry, to rock myself for comfort.  If they made an adult  version of the baby swings, I’d be in it right now. 

My fears are consuming me on this day.  I’ve taken all of my medicines and supplements,  & yet I still find myself struggling today.

I can’t help thinking I’m a failure,  yet I know I’ve tried everything within reach. But that’s just it,  I know there are things I would do if they were in reach. Yet I have no clue how to make them.

I’ve thought pray; maybe the divine will help. Alas, it seems I’m still on the do not call list for GOD.

I’m just so afraid that we will freeze to death this winter.  Our  van is vital for me to get to work,  so when it broke it became priority. We’ve fixed most,  but not all of what needed attention.  I still have to replace the struts & O2 sensor, nearly $700 of work, all because of finances. I thought I’d have enough.  Enough time, enough money,  enough smarts,  enough talent,  to make sure the vitals were done by cold weather.  Now I’m not so sure.

I’m so afraid that it won’t get done,  that other things will keep being more vital.  That I won’t have enough to meet all of the things that are really important.

It’s moments like this that I feel very alone.  I have fiends,  but none of them can or will help with the nitty gritty of this remodel. I knew that going in, but I find myself desperately begging the universe to quit kinking my hose, please quit throwing up roadblocks.

For once in my God  Dammed life, please let something go smoothly and as planned.  Why does everything I do turn to shit? I know I’m am insignificant measly mortal, but just for once I’d like to feel at least like I’m supported;  hell even just that nothing’s fighting  me.

I just want to provide basic necessities for my family.  I want a safe home,  I’ve long ago given up my dreams of  grandeur. I just want to be able to know I have enough to feed my family.  I just want to know I can go & come from work safely.  I just want to know the vehicle my children ride in is safe. 

I know that because of our past, our challenges that I failed to meet, I will probably never make it out of this God Forsaken hole. I just wish that if I’m stuck here for the rest of my life I could at least provide enough that my children don’t have to suffer.

Why is that too much to ask?

So I sit for a while,  in the Spa room, crying & hoping I can finish my day with my carefully practiced fake smile.