*image is: mule in progress. I am planning on finishing next week on days off. I will do full progression of start to finish once it is complete.*
So yesterday and today I’ve been mentally kicking God’s ass, and kicking toxic masculinity out of my mind and body.
There’s a little scolding and ‘telling the man what-for’ kind of thoughts, but mostly I’m acknowledging my abilities and creativity in the way of: “I could be doing these things, if you’d have provided the resources, facilities and time to do them, like I always deserved, or even just got out of my fucking way and stopped with the negative mishaps and misdeeds”.
It’s working and I’m feeling really good. So I’m going to milk it for all I can, as many days as possible.
For instance (x3):
1) Did you know I can create a book start to finish?
I know paper making. I know book binding. I know how to write (the 6years of this blog and the nearly thousand posts demonstrate that). I can create art of a variety from digital to hand drawn or painted, and I can turn any image into a print- digital print or manual old-school print of a variety. I know how to do page layout for print media of a variety. I know basic rules about editions and numbering short runs. I know graphic design for text or cover concerns. I know how to self publish small scale with modern machinery (less than 10,000 books scale). I literally know everything except steps for publishing large scale.
I have several ideas for use of these skills, but I’ve envisioned a book of my own poetry combined with my own art. Layouts to combine the two in a very artistic manner. Printed on my own handmade paper (if I ran a hundred books that were less than a hundred pages, then I would have to make roughly a thousand sheets- totally doable). If the print device was a giclée printer then they would be archival. Hand bound with either leather or fine fabric covers. I would then make a small scale mechanical paperback self-published version. The original handmade series could sell for a couple thousand per book. The small run paperbacks at average price for size/length. It would be quite lucrative and fun. God would just need to supply salary (or already have paid my life necessities off), equipment (professional printer and inks, paper making press and a sundries, cover supplies, all-in-one book press), and about a year of time to do so. It just seems like an amazing fun opportunity, that I’ve never had access to all the elements at the same time, for enough time to accomplish it.
2) Did you know that I know how work with sign and fabric vinyls? Make a sign from start to finish? Make fabric based projects from start to finish?
I have an idea for an installation piece that would be essentially the same thing as the banners businesses use for marketing. I’ve made them for other businesses, but it requires machines I don’t currently have access to (and never really did for personal use). I again want to use my poems and graphic design skills to create body sized interactive images. For instance words in the shape of a body outline, so that when you step in front of them, you become part of the image. If it was setup with mirrors, the person in the outline could experience the fullness of that moment, or it could be staged as a selfie experience. Variations on that theme could be reinterpreted by artists for years to come.
Yet again, I have yet to receive the equipment, space, time or resources to accomplish this really interesting project. Just another inspiration God stirred with no way to accomplish it. I’d much rather be doing some of these large scale artistic endeavors than collecting more inflammation pummeling people into relaxation. I’d rather be being creative than doing energy work for individuals, see energy work only helps that one person for as long as they allow, but the creative endeavors will touch people for as many years as they are utilized and displayed. I think of Alex Grey’s works and many other classical artists who touched humanity in positive lasting ways, and would love to do the same.
3) Did you know I can make jewelry of a variety from start to finish? One of a kind works of art that can be worn?
It’s slow, tedious, and materials are definitely a premium cost. But the finished products can be amazing. Did I mention one of a kind? I made a hematite ring for Nathan early in our relationship that now adorns one of our goddess statues. I’ve made broaches, a crown, a torc style chest plate, chainmail and a variety of necklaces and bracelets.
There is a wide array of tools and devices needed to accomplish this, and heat resistant surfaces and spaces. However, enjoyment is equal to any other artistic endeavor I’ve ever tackled.
I learned all the above skills when life was hell bent on working against me in every way possible. I supported myself completely, and still learned all of that and more. I’m certain that my residents that were in the IL building would not be surprised, because they were constantly telling me how amazing I was.
So yes, another kick in the ass to God. Keep inspiring, but all your inspirations are meaningless without the resources and time to do them. I’m willing, are you? It’s a big leap, and takes a miracle, but all the stories, especially in the big book everyone loves so much, say it’s possible. I’m open to receiving that miracle in any way which is quick and easy, and beneficial to more people than just me.
I followed up with a small thought that brought immense good feelings: I have enough money inbound to build and run my own clinic…. and not do it! The sentiment here is that I’m ready to walk away from all I currently have and participate in, as long as what I’m moving towards is grander in it’s impact on humanity, but easier and way more fun for me to accomplish, just after my weeks (or months) of travel.
This is all just food for thought.
What are your unique skills? What things do you know, that are not being utilized as much as you’d like? What is the greater impact that you might have on people if you had resources, or time to do so?
And most importantly, why don’t you know you deserve it now?
If your answer to this last one is because of anything outside of yourself then it is simply crap, a big fat lie- that you believed for whatever reason.
The hardest part is unbelieving the lie, and allowing yourself to believe the truth. It just takes practice and repetition.
For now I use all of these thoughts, plus concepts found in the show “Good Witch” to align myself. I’d love to be “a traveling fool” for a good long while, to then settle just a little, like Cassie Nightengale with businesses for fun enjoyable work.
May you see all of your gifts as valuable. May you know exactly how to change your life. May you see how to get back on course with what you genuinely desire. May you see life is complex and there are layers to everything, sometimes it’s figuring out how the layers fit, and sometimes it is realizing something was not yours and thus never intended to fit. May you always see the lies for what they are, regardless of how they happened, or why you believed them in the first place. May you know how to replace all of them quickly and effectively. Above all may you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.
PS : If I were two people (instead of one bisexual) I would say things to myself like this:
Masculine to feminine:
You are beautiful, smart, wise, and sexy. You have so much going for you that it is amazing and nearly unbelievable. That’s why no one ever believed you. You have done everything exactly right and none of the crap you dealt with was your fault. It really is time for you to be honored and recognized for all of your efforts, talents, and skills. I believe you because: I know how damn hard you worked, not just to handle everything you did, but to earn respect when it is rarely given to women. I know how much you studied and learned, even when no one was making you. I know how generous you have been to all those around you. I know how much you have done to improve the already spectacular being you are. You are perfect just the way you are, and now it’s time that you do exactly as you please. Have fun, travel, enjoy this world, and if you want- make something beautiful to share your gifts. I love you.
Feminine to masculine:
Thank you for this gift. I really appreciate your kindness and generosity. I really do need the break and the fun. I always just wanted to be. Be here, be loved, be supported, and know that someone is there for me if I need it. Now that everyone is certain how capable I am, can you help clear the way to make it more enjoyable. It’s interesting learning how to do everythingb and keep up with everyone, but very tiring for a body not intended for that kind of work. I’d very much appreciate the support of clear easy paths, with plenty of rest points to enjoy the sights and sounds of my life, and a steady flow of ideal nourishment and abundant time and financial resources. I’d also appreciate if you could help me see where the rest of my healing can be found, I have managed a really good start, but could use your help because one cannot balance scales alone. I love your support, I love your strength, I love your generosity. I love your kindness, openness, and understanding. I love that you would do anything for me, favoring my desires and protecting me. It feels amazing to be truly loved and supported. Thank you, I love you.