Tag Archives: thought journey

“What Would You Say”

What would you say came on when I had my mp3’s on shuffle. It made me think, what would I say? This is where I started, where I’m at:

Shit sucks sometimes. Sometimes things don’t go the way you think they should have. Sometimes things don’t pan out right. Sometimes you don’t get what you want.

BUT

If you focus on that side, it just creates an additional layer of misery on top of already not being the happy perfect ending you wanted.

There is no reason to torture yourself further. Look for the good and at least feel better.

Besides, even shit can have an upside. Literally, shit keeps the ecosystem functional. Animals eat poo, bugs eat poo, it fertilizes plants, there’s even been solid science where one person’s poo helps another heal- icky but true.

But seriously, even metaphorical shit can have a bonus. My shitty past has led me to try extra hard to be kind, loving, and supportive. I accept people where they are and do my level best to help without judgement. I’m still human and far from perfect, but I try that much harder because I was judged so heavily at times when I just needed caring support, and none was to be found (even/especially in childhood).

Everyone deserves someone to care and help in times that they need it most.

My father blames Nathan for everything, and others think I settled. But what they all miss is that I chose the person that could be real with me. The person that could be honest and fully accept me as I am. He leaves doors open for possibilities (polyamory, magic, faith), and unconditionally loves me even in my worst moments. He does his best to demonstrate, show and tell me of his love. Further than that I do feel his love and his importance in my life.

He gave me two beautiful children, which have been full of learning lessons. Health, food, fitness, time and stress management are all much more understood because of birthing children. I’m doing my best to be a good example and not force anything on any of my children. I’m doing my best to be kind, loving, and unconditionally accept them and show them by my choices how to help themselves. I care and want the best for them, but see and understand that they are perfectly capable creators already. I would rather show them how to create their own happiness, than tell them what that should look like, or force anything on them.

The shit sucked, massively at times, but I learned ways around just about everything. I sustained a business on nothing but a box of business cards, and started it when we were living on food stamps. Imagine what I could do with millions. I like that thought!

My point is, for most people it’s not worth giving up and throwing in the towel. Most people still have an opportunity to try again and reach for better, and that is the most important thing. Yet, when you’re in the shit storm it’s easy to loose sight of the silver lining. Just keep reminding yourself that there is a buried nugget of good somewhere and it’s worth digging for. Ickiness will eventually reward you somehow.

For now, my reaching for good is remembering good things with my chosen family, the few happy memories of childhood, snuggling pets, and walks in parks.

Today is the beginning of the full moon, and we’re hours from the start of all hallows eve followed by the day of the dead.

The veil is thin and tensions are high for most of America and the world. Even without watching any news for months (over a year probably) I am aware of every woe, every fear, everything the news is scaring people over. But I am very aware of the other side of the veil rooting for us to find that better place. 2020 is different, change has definitely sucked this year, but it is because we have bigger challenges than previous years, and it’s not just because of politics or disease.

I am aware of how many more people are finally admitting their sensitivity to the energetic and unseen world. It doesn’t mean older generations didn’t have that experience, it just means they didn’t talk about it if they did. It does make me wonder and I have difficulty understanding aspects from the ‘if you were sensitive to divine energy then how could you possibly believe_____’.

However, I’m just more concerned that there are so many like me, feeling things and sensing things, but not having a full vocabulary or tool-set to manage it. We are literally flying blind and learning as we go, and 2020 made that a massively huge undertaking.

Just know there will be an end in sight and when we clear that other side we will figure out where the nugget of gold was hiding. In the meantime, do your best to ground, center, clear the junk, and reach for better.

Use this Hallows Eve and Day of the Dead to reach for better and ask support of all our ancestors that know the tricks to manage our sensitivity. Take advantage of the thin veil to get extra support from the unseen. It’s been ages since October has seen 2 full moons, and even longer since a full moon on Halloween. It’s significant, and it may just be the boost we all need to clear the hurdle of 2020’s shit. Focus on good and focus on help from the spirit world, we all need it more than ever. Let yourself clear so your light can shine more brightly and help us all see our way through the shit storm.

Ren Po Shun, Om Shanti

Below pictures of adorable Katherine; Nathan working on my legs when dad’s energetic junk was piled on top of slight dehydration; and my walk just now through Minor Park (south Kansas City Missouri).

The Why of Bad.

I have been contemplating the why of negative emotions this week from a practical standpoint. I am very familiar with Abraham Hicks and others that speak of wanting to focus on positive vibrations to attract more positive things into your life. I am also familiar with Abraham Hicks stating that negative emotions feel negative because they oppose the way your spirit feels about something. These are not new concepts to me, and I have worked with them heavily for several years now. However, I find that it is a good reminder for myself to look at things through these lenses, and anytime I find a good reminder for myself I feel like it would also help others.

So I am going to break down things that have come across my mind lately and reach for the possible whys of the negativity felt. Essentially, what is one thought that feels like it is in closest proximity to what my spirit feels on the subject. I am probably going to use many topics to convey this to cover as many different ideas as possible, but I am going to start with a few close to my heart.

I have been picking up on negative trains of thought floating through my experience. I believe a lot of it was and continues to be triggered by my incessant father’s negativity. Even with his moving to Arizona, I can not seem to completely detach that cord formed at birth. I have merely managed to squeeze it off to a tiny trickle. However, negativity is all around these days and it’s not hard to bump up against negative thoughts. What I am discovering is that when I bump up against a negative thought it seems to give me the negative of whatever is on my mind, so things I generally am okay on, will suddenly become a bothersome thought. That’s why I am choosing to start with my own stuff because it is what is on my mind the most.

My others, just a couple of examples:

I have been contemplating the 3 in my experience a lot because I can feel them as being very active in my heart center again. I will call the person from India and their connected person “the duo”- they are the ones I feel left and right of heart center. Based on my recent reach out, I think I now know who the left is, but may have missed the mark on the right side. The 3rd person is an american man, he holds the position just below heart center- not quite to solar plexus area, so I’ll just refer to him as “Beau”. All 3 have been active for me for quite some time now, but The Duo has been active for over 5 years at this point. Being they still reside in my heart, I know they are significant and will eventually mean something. Generally speaking I accept all 3 as being very significant for me personally and already consider them family due to their seemingly permanent residence in my energetic awareness. Most of the time I feel their emotions (including arousal and negative emotions) or awareness of something I did. I have had a strong knowing for a long time now that all 3 will eventually come around to making some sort of commitment in my life. It is the knowing and the dreams that I keep circling back to as a reminder, because every single thing in my life that had that knowing eventually came true. So really, there is no real doubt in my mind that it will eventually be clear, make sense, and pan out as my knowing has informed me. My only confusion lies in the how and when, and really that is what the journey called life is all about. No need to take the fun out of the journey.

However, there have been those moments of energetic bumper cars that have caught me off guard or set me on brief doubt-tangents. I have so far been able to course correct on every single one, but occasionally it takes me a short bit to realize that is what happened, so I’m not instantaneously correcting yet. Here are some examples:

“Nathan needs to go, you’re mine.” Feels negative, because my inner being knows that Nathan is a very loved fixture in my life, the same as my children, and anyone wanting to be in my life will simply have to accept that. I don’t require a significant other to do anything specific with Nathan, just accept him as part of my family and interact with him as you would any other platonic family member. He is an adult, so basic respect and adult conversation would be necessary, but otherwise go as deep or as superficial as you care to. There is also an element of needing to acknowledge my desire for polyamory. I have been honest about that from the start, and I care about these people, and I know they care about me. So, since we all care and I have been completely honest about my needs, there is no need for anyone to be rejected or eliminated. My paradigm of conscious choice does not need adjusted because someone chose to look outside of an enforced paradigm and found me. If you found what you were seeking, then obviously I am perfectly fine just the way I am.

“You’re focused on the wrong things.” (I actually got that message through a song notification, directly following another called “I’ve been watching you”- a bit creepy especially since I’ve wondered if one of the 3 has someone digitally stalking me or manipulating/hacking my device.) Both concepts feel negative because for one the stalking/hacking thing is a huge red flag for a perp., and for two it seems like someone judging my thoughts, processes, and emotions based on their external input. Assuming that God is just trying to convey their mental space to me and no actual stalking/hacking is happening, I can then just look at the judgments. I may be focusing on the wrong things for them, but I know my predominant emotions these days and know my train is headed towards good mostly. I am gradually building forward momentum on the higher vibration end of the train. I know what I want- ALL the layers, and somehow I know that these 3 people are God’s choice for best fit for things I desire. I look forward to seeing that pan out and for my existing family to blend with them. When I think of the elements I do know for certain I generally feel really good. Even when I think of things I would like in less certain contexts I also feel good. I have gotten really good at stopping negative tangents in relation to these 3 people. I generally feel good about all 3 and the few things I have been hurt over are not life ending, and could readily be corrected with truth and apologies. So feeling negative from being told I’m focused improperly is a really good validation that I am indeed focused properly and thinking about positive things for me personally.

So, yes generally I am looking forward to seeing this part of my journey out, and the bumper car negative thoughts are being handled more and more readily. I am finding more consistent positive thought, and I look forward to my people manifesting positively. I know they are capable of accepting Nathan and I know that they will find their way through their half of this mutual journey just fine.

A couple of examples from current events- I’ll do my best to be more brief:

Fear of Covid, getting sick, getting other sick, etc.- Fear feels bad. Fear is the opposite of what your spirit thinks. Your spirit is not afraid of catching this virus. Your spirit knows you have the ability to heal if you allow it. Your spirit also knows that if you fail in the allowing, that death is merely a new beginning, and though anyone you left behind would be sad, it is not your journey to be consumed by their grief. Either way, it is okay. Additionally, you can not create in another’s experience. If you coughed the virus on 10 people, all 10 could have completely different responses. You spread the virus equally, but their consciousness and their vibrational level was what determined whether they got sick or to what degree. This applies to every aspect of life and your inner being knows it. I wear a mask these days only to soothe people that don’t know this information. I’m not afraid, they really don’t need to be afraid, but I don’t need to make their already fear based mindset worse by challenging them when they are battling an uphill thought battle to begin with. It is easier for me to wear the mask and do my best to soothe their minds and help them find better more productive thoughts. That is being a lightworker.

“Trump is a light-worker/good for humanity” I even got told that someone referred to Trump as a Demigod. I’m sorry, there are many things that Trump is, but none of these apply. Beyond the ludicrosity of calling him a Demi-God, I feel I must ferret out the rest. They feel bad to me because my spirit knows that these statements are just OFF. Here’s the deal, a light-worker is here to not just help themselves, they are here to help humanity progress in massively positive ways. Trump is only out to get what he wants at all costs. He is not doing anything that actively helps humanity. The closest thing to helping humanity is that he IS helping us to see what needs fixed, so like my father he is serving as a valuable bad example. He is teaching us what not to do for certain. In that way he is helping humanity, but there are so many alternatives to his actions that he is most definitely not demonstrating the best choices. Light-workers are supposed to aim at the best choices possible to help the most people. So Trump is failing on both fronts. The only thing that Trump is good at is using the Law of Attraction. He is spectacular at getting what he wants no matter what is going on around him. Because of that I hope he has a massive cardiac event and saves humanity the trouble of trying to over-ride his really really bad decisions while he is still alive. He is a colossal bad example which gives true light-workers a direction to aim. We can use his skills with Law of Attraction, but aim for polar opposite results and actually better the world and improve things for humanity. Trump is merely a learning tool for light-workers to do their best, in the realm of even the negatives have value in clarity. Use the skill, but do this, not that. A powerful lesson is never equivalent to light-work or Demi-God.

In closing:

I had a thought after the Trump trigger-conversation that “the aliens must be fucking with us”. It was a sarcastic statement, but one that made me laugh. So, functioning under the assumption that vibrational alignment and emotion based discernment are a really thing, then the aliens must actually be fucking with us. However, from my perspective that isn’t really a bad thing. It means that if Trump does get completely out of control they will likely step in. In the meantime, it is probably in a effort to help the rest of us somewhat sane humans learn to control our brains for the betterment of humanity. I appreciate that thought immensely. If that really is the end goal, which because it feels so good probably is, then I am totally on board. I will gladly play along with the challenges to heal my brain and body and aim for a better human race. At this point I am no gold medal winner in positive thought correction, but I am getting better and better at it every day. I look forward to the day that I am so focused that I get really good shit really quickly, and unlike Trump my choices have always and will always be aimed at helping as many people as I can. I do wish to help humanity and will go out of my way to manifest things that help more than just myself. I’m off to a slow but steady start and I look forward to more positive momentum.

May you see your thought journey gaining positive momentum. May you reach for helping humanity while you help yourself. May you master overriding the bogus negative-thought bumper-cars. May you be doubt free and focused on positive outcomes. May you see ways to help humanity grow and progress in amazingly positive ways. May you have positive manifestations to validate your progress. May you see your ripple in the world. May you help soothe others’ fears. May you bring light to this dark world. May you see only the best in others and this world.

Siva Hir Su

A WTF moment.

I’m still not sure the exact mechanics of it, but late this afternoon I had a WTF moment with myself.

In a nutshell I got stuck on my body image and people that dropped me like a bad habit.

I was doing mostly great. I’ve been battling fatigue for a few days now, but I suspect that is mostly to do with the giant energy-vampire vacuum that is my father. Otherwise, I have managed to maintain everything else and my mood has stayed up since my explosive argument with dad. I’ve even been managing to get power-yoga workouts in the 3 times a week that is supposed to be a good maintenance routine. Yet right in the middle of my last client today my mood tanked.

I couldn’t figure out what triggered it. I was mentally running through all of the things I have accomplished and strides I have made for improvement. I was honoring myself.

Then* smack* it hit me. I’m still not what society deems beautiful. I don’t fit the dominant paradigm and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

I do eat like a rabbit and have for the majority of 7 years. My food fails are currently even a fraction of what they were while pregnant and that produced weight loss and healthy babies simultaneously. So why is progress so damn slow now?

Then my brain took the side tangent of why it possibly matters. My brain decided to remind me of the few whom I wanted, that pushed me away. They did not want to choose me.

I couldn’t seem to help it, the two elements felt connected.

In the end. I’m frustrated over slow to non-existent progress. I’m down over body image and wanting the others. I know I shouldn’t care about them, but I still do. I’m feeling a huge “it’s not fair” moment. I work so diligently on improvement, every day doing something to better myself, and that’s in addition to the myriad of things I do for others.

I had a conversation with God last night after my half of a massage trade, asking why they don’t help as much as I need (beyond the obvious of not as good of a therapist as I’m used to). I got the message that I need at least 10% of what I do for others to be for me and God. That is what the intent behind tithing is. Care for that which keeps everything going.

Yet I countered God with I do way more than 10%. I trade 5% of my time. I do self care another 10%, Nathan works on me another 5-10%. I get chiropractic as much as needed, which varies depending on my schedule and everything else. I exercise which helps me increase my strength and decrease problems. I take supplements that cost almost 10% of my income. I eat my super healthy, allergen free, rabbit food so stringently that 6 out of 7 days a week look exactly the same. I meditate daily, and I do multiple other things for health benefits with my remaining spare time (IR treatments, acupuncture, mechanical manipulation, inversion, etc). If you account for every ounce of effort for my health it is way way more than 10% of my work-time/finances.

With all the effort I put in, I am still morbidly obese by all standard measures. I’m only 20 pounds lighter than my father carrying multiple gallons of water weight due to congestive heart failure- so much fluid he can’t reach to wipe his own ass.

Yet I can almost put my knees behind my head, and I can pick up people that weigh as much as I do, even dead weight elderly people. That’s in addition to hours of deep tissue massage. Last week I did over 25 hours of deep tissue, and one of those hours was so deep I had to climb on the table and use my knee for the person to get their desired results.

It is seeming very not fair, and it doesn’t help that I work with people that have it easy- eating all manner of bought prepared foods and smoothies, and still looking like Abercrombie models. I would love to have the acupuncturist’s body, or the chiropractor’s either one.

But my lesson here is to love what I have because it is obvious that I’m not getting out of it any time soon.

I don’t hate my body, it keeps me going, it is strong and flexible most days. I can handle way more than most people physically speaking. I have massive endurance and there are definitely elements of my body I do really like. I love my hair, though right now I could really use a haircut. I love when my skin is tanned, it is so soft and smoothe and the tan makes it seem to glow like when I was pregnant. I love the definition I have in my calves, when I stand on my tip toes you can see the outlines of the muscles. My bones are strong by evidence of only having broken a couple of really small bones in bad accidents (a window falling, a table getting dropped on my foot), like if a bone hadn’t broken I would be wonder woman. I like that my toes and fingers are all in good proportion and in good condition. I never have trouble with athletes foot or plantar fasciitis. I can pick up my kids and carry them for a long time. I can walk miles without trouble. I’m even finally beginning to regain my core strength.

The one thing I want to change CAN, at least technically speaking. I seem to be having a devil of a time allowing it to. Simply put I want my skin to skrink and take those extra pounds away. I watched a Dr Oz episode one time where a lady like me had 40 pounds of skin removed. That is what I need, but I know for certain it is possible without surgery. I just want to figure out how to allow my body to do it, and do it much faster. I’ve read and researched several times over, and I’m already doing everything that helps (exercise, saw palmetto, Hyaluronic Acid, collagen, Infrared treatments, ultrasound treatments). If it helps I’m currently trying to do it as much as possible. Yet months into my stepping up measures, and I have very little to show for it.

The cover photo is stock image from pexels, and as much as I would love to look like that, I’m currently having difficulty believing it is possible.

This is what I looked like after Ian’s birth. It’s the smallest I have been as an adult:

This is an advertisement picture for a swimsuit, but close to what I would love to look like:

I am certain that my body can heal, and I really, really, really want it to. Today’s emotional tank didn’t help, but I know what I want and how to mentally get there. Just more practice is needed. Apparently lots more practice, and letting momentum win this one.

For now I am going to let it go and try to find my happy again. Perhaps more herbs to counter cyclical hormones.

May you have an easier time loving your body. May you know that God loves and supports you. May you know that others find you beautiful in the best ways. May you know your goals are reachable. May you know you have made progress in all ways. May you know there is a reason why you still care about others, even when they don’t care about you. May you know how to make the best of things that hit hard or sneak up out of seemingly nowhere. May you know that the important people or things will eventually come back around and have lasting meaning. May you know you are on the right track. May you have plenty of energy and endurance to get through.

Siva Hir Su