Tag Archives: thought journey

Yummmm

*image is: mule in progress. I am planning on finishing next week on days off. I will do full progression of start to finish once it is complete.*

So yesterday and today I’ve been mentally kicking God’s ass, and kicking toxic masculinity out of my mind and body.

How?

There’s a little scolding and ‘telling the man what-for’ kind of thoughts, but mostly I’m acknowledging my abilities and creativity in the way of: “I could be doing these things, if you’d have provided the resources, facilities and time to do them, like I always deserved, or even just got out of my fucking way and stopped with the negative mishaps and misdeeds”.

It’s working and I’m feeling really good. So I’m going to milk it for all I can, as many days as possible.

For instance (x3):

1) Did you know I can create a book start to finish?

I know paper making. I know book binding. I know how to write (the 6years of this blog and the nearly thousand posts demonstrate that). I can create art of a variety from digital to hand drawn or painted, and I can turn any image into a print- digital print or manual old-school print of a variety. I know how to do page layout for print media of a variety. I know basic rules about editions and numbering short runs. I know graphic design for text or cover concerns. I know how to self publish small scale with modern machinery (less than 10,000 books scale). I literally know everything except steps for publishing large scale.

I have several ideas for use of these skills, but I’ve envisioned a book of my own poetry combined with my own art. Layouts to combine the two in a very artistic manner. Printed on my own handmade paper (if I ran a hundred books that were less than a hundred pages, then I would have to make roughly a thousand sheets- totally doable). If the print device was a giclĂ©e printer then they would be archival. Hand bound with either leather or fine fabric covers. I would then make a small scale mechanical paperback self-published version. The original handmade series could sell for a couple thousand per book. The small run paperbacks at average price for size/length. It would be quite lucrative and fun. God would just need to supply salary (or already have paid my life necessities off), equipment (professional printer and inks, paper making press and a sundries, cover supplies, all-in-one book press), and about a year of time to do so. It just seems like an amazing fun opportunity, that I’ve never had access to all the elements at the same time, for enough time to accomplish it.

2) Did you know that I know how work with sign and fabric vinyls? Make a sign from start to finish? Make fabric based projects from start to finish?

I have an idea for an installation piece that would be essentially the same thing as the banners businesses use for marketing. I’ve made them for other businesses, but it requires machines I don’t currently have access to (and never really did for personal use). I again want to use my poems and graphic design skills to create body sized interactive images. For instance words in the shape of a body outline, so that when you step in front of them, you become part of the image. If it was setup with mirrors, the person in the outline could experience the fullness of that moment, or it could be staged as a selfie experience. Variations on that theme could be reinterpreted by artists for years to come.

Yet again, I have yet to receive the equipment, space, time or resources to accomplish this really interesting project. Just another inspiration God stirred with no way to accomplish it. I’d much rather be doing some of these large scale artistic endeavors than collecting more inflammation pummeling people into relaxation. I’d rather be being creative than doing energy work for individuals, see energy work only helps that one person for as long as they allow, but the creative endeavors will touch people for as many years as they are utilized and displayed. I think of Alex Grey’s works and many other classical artists who touched humanity in positive lasting ways, and would love to do the same.

3) Did you know I can make jewelry of a variety from start to finish? One of a kind works of art that can be worn?

It’s slow, tedious, and materials are definitely a premium cost. But the finished products can be amazing. Did I mention one of a kind? I made a hematite ring for Nathan early in our relationship that now adorns one of our goddess statues. I’ve made broaches, a crown, a torc style chest plate, chainmail and a variety of necklaces and bracelets.

There is a wide array of tools and devices needed to accomplish this, and heat resistant surfaces and spaces. However, enjoyment is equal to any other artistic endeavor I’ve ever tackled.

Bonus:

I learned all the above skills when life was hell bent on working against me in every way possible. I supported myself completely, and still learned all of that and more. I’m certain that my residents that were in the IL building would not be surprised, because they were constantly telling me how amazing I was.

So yes, another kick in the ass to God. Keep inspiring, but all your inspirations are meaningless without the resources and time to do them. I’m willing, are you? It’s a big leap, and takes a miracle, but all the stories, especially in the big book everyone loves so much, say it’s possible. I’m open to receiving that miracle in any way which is quick and easy, and beneficial to more people than just me.

I followed up with a small thought that brought immense good feelings: I have enough money inbound to build and run my own clinic…. and not do it! The sentiment here is that I’m ready to walk away from all I currently have and participate in, as long as what I’m moving towards is grander in it’s impact on humanity, but easier and way more fun for me to accomplish, just after my weeks (or months) of travel.

This is all just food for thought.

What are your unique skills? What things do you know, that are not being utilized as much as you’d like? What is the greater impact that you might have on people if you had resources, or time to do so?

And most importantly, why don’t you know you deserve it now?

If your answer to this last one is because of anything outside of yourself then it is simply crap, a big fat lie- that you believed for whatever reason.

The hardest part is unbelieving the lie, and allowing yourself to believe the truth. It just takes practice and repetition.

For now I use all of these thoughts, plus concepts found in the show “Good Witch” to align myself. I’d love to be “a traveling fool” for a good long while, to then settle just a little, like Cassie Nightengale with businesses for fun enjoyable work.

May you see all of your gifts as valuable. May you know exactly how to change your life. May you see how to get back on course with what you genuinely desire. May you see life is complex and there are layers to everything, sometimes it’s figuring out how the layers fit, and sometimes it is realizing something was not yours and thus never intended to fit. May you always see the lies for what they are, regardless of how they happened, or why you believed them in the first place. May you know how to replace all of them quickly and effectively. Above all may you know that you are loved and supported in all that you do.

Om Shanti

PS : If I were two people (instead of one bisexual) I would say things to myself like this:

Masculine to feminine:

You are beautiful, smart, wise, and sexy. You have so much going for you that it is amazing and nearly unbelievable. That’s why no one ever believed you. You have done everything exactly right and none of the crap you dealt with was your fault. It really is time for you to be honored and recognized for all of your efforts, talents, and skills. I believe you because: I know how damn hard you worked, not just to handle everything you did, but to earn respect when it is rarely given to women. I know how much you studied and learned, even when no one was making you. I know how generous you have been to all those around you. I know how much you have done to improve the already spectacular being you are. You are perfect just the way you are, and now it’s time that you do exactly as you please. Have fun, travel, enjoy this world, and if you want- make something beautiful to share your gifts. I love you.

Feminine to masculine:

Thank you for this gift. I really appreciate your kindness and generosity. I really do need the break and the fun. I always just wanted to be. Be here, be loved, be supported, and know that someone is there for me if I need it. Now that everyone is certain how capable I am, can you help clear the way to make it more enjoyable. It’s interesting learning how to do everythingb and keep up with everyone, but very tiring for a body not intended for that kind of work. I’d very much appreciate the support of clear easy paths, with plenty of rest points to enjoy the sights and sounds of my life, and a steady flow of ideal nourishment and abundant time and financial resources. I’d also appreciate if you could help me see where the rest of my healing can be found, I have managed a really good start, but could use your help because one cannot balance scales alone. I love your support, I love your strength, I love your generosity. I love your kindness, openness, and understanding. I love that you would do anything for me, favoring my desires and protecting me. It feels amazing to be truly loved and supported. Thank you, I love you.

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Cloud surfing.

I have been feeling the need for some positive focus in a major way. In lieu of my grand dreams of Atira Community, I’d take some more practical Tessering. So I’m going to focus on the paradigm I’d like to be in right now, and aim at it based on my current reality. Essentially, I’m going to focus on what my ideal next step would be. As in from right where I sit right now: what is the best improvement in all areas that is reachable?

My ideal health situation would be: My own personal health, and that of my family, finds balance and is more easily maintainable. The tools to accomplish that would be easily afforded and/or covered by insurance, and would be toxin-free and side-effect-free. I could do the IV nutrient treatments in an affordable or covered way. I could heal organs for myself and my family. We could eat normal foods in normal quantities again. We would all be healthy weight, strong, flexible, and have healthy nutrient levels in our bodies. All of our bodily systems would function easily and seamlessly to provide a sense of overall consistent health. My family would make friends with focusing on meditation and yoga to help maintain their balance. They would find other enjoyable ways to help maintain that balance as well. We would all feel good consistently.

My ideal financial situation would be: The income I have been able to produce consistently these last few years, would come with fewer hours and still be minimal stress levels to help maintain health. A wonderful bonus would be if the wages increased a bit, and was still fewer hours and minimal stress. That would be wonderful because it would help to pay things off sooner, and I might be able to save time for tree sculptures and other activities I’ve been unable to accomplish. It would also help me to provide things that the teen has requested (car insurance for her to drive). It would be an increase of enjoyment along side financial relief and less hands on work. That would be amazing.

My ideal home would be: Enough time to keep regular chores caught up and finish projects started. I still have trim to finish installing in Anya’s room, and the drywall patch needs sanded and re-painted, I’d love to finish those things. There are still a few little silly things that have just never made the priority cut, like one door needs the kick plate installed. A wonderful bonus would be having enough income and/or time to tackle the big projects that have been indefinitely postponed: exterior paint job and addressing window replacements. Our home is beautiful and I love the idea of making it even better, by addressing the few not ideal items. I look forward to being able to do that easily and in a way that fits with schedule needs. It would also enable more contemplation and possibly even action towards things that have been considered to make our yard and kitchen beautiful as well. That would be most excellent. I look forward to moments like that.

My ideal community would be: Open, fully functional, healthy, lighter, and at peace. People would be secure in their beingness and open to others doing the same, regardless of how that manifests. We would all be free to choose and we would all reach for better. People would begin to walk away from arguments on differences, and embrace each other based on common ground. People would reach for things that feel good and look for ways to appreciate each other regardless of uniqueness. There would be even more beautiful plants and trees, and caring for the environment would be evident everywhere I go. Recycling would become even easier to accomplish, and everyone would make efforts to maintain cleanliness in our community and in our world. We would embrace the changing weather patterns and work together to adjust to the changes. We would all work together to find compromises and solutions to all of our challenges in every arena. Bipartisan would become a collective of positive forward motions and change for the better. Acknowledgment of failures would be propulsion towards a collective reaching for alternative solutions. We would all work together for the betterment of mankind and the world. We would all aim for balance with nature and help improve the world in every way for lasting progress, and hopefully increase humanity’s chance of survival for many generations to come (only in balance will humans continue to flourish). Institutions would recognize when they are failing the collective and adjust their actions and motivations to meet the needs of the collective. Governments would do likewise. Both institutions and governments would serve us best by acknowledging that though no action will be perfect for everyone, there are actions that would be a better solution for most, and those would be the actions that bring everyone together again. Institutions and governments would also acknowledge that because no one decision is perfect for everyone, they would enable choice in participation, we would be allowed to maintain our freedoms and our human rights. They would acknowledge that they are charged with making decisions for the majority and finding ways to enable those decisions for all whom wish to participate, but that human freedom is pertinent regardless. (Example: Education is supported and structured, but any one family can choose public vs private vs homeschool at their own judgement and risk.) That concept is embraced and applied in all areas of life. Institutions would embrace the energetic world knowing that more and more people are aware and open to it, and medicine would be served to learn more about it and find ways to help people with it.

My world would change slowly enough to enable most people to keep up and survive, to heal enough to lead healthy lives. Only those that are unable to keep up would perish, and that could easily be a slim margin with more available options.

These ramblings are my broad view of things on my mind and where I wish to see them head. Hopefully you see the overarching theme and how it applies to your experience.

May we all get through these changing times in one piece. May we all have the healing we seek. May you see that you are doing your level best to provide yourself with everything you need. May you give yourself the best possible options you can. May you find forgiveness for yourself when you are unable to give yourself the best available. May you love and respect yourself and everyone around you. May you see the light that our world needs and find every way possible to bring it into your days. May we all work together for better and brighter days. Above all may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Nonsequiter

Call it as such, a distraction, a forray, a useful tangent to discuss something different, something more enjoyable, something I can dream of.

My simple thought was that I wished polyamory was fully legal here. It is in Massachusetts now, but not here.

I’m not afraid of the commitment, and my desire is definitely fueled somewhat by financials, but it is so much more than that.

See, at this point the masculine paradigm has shifted enough that there is no longer the weighted benefit of being head of household. I know that because I file as head of household, and it rarely nets me enough to really care. My spouse didn’t come with a dowry, there was no massive parental input into the wedding on either side, and my spouse gets no great benefits from anywhere. I literally have an insignificant benefit playing what is traditionally considered the man’s role, as a woman. Still, I know that the paradigm slowly shifted enough that head of household is genderless. It wouldn’t matter if I was a man or woman, I would still have minimal financial benefit from being head of the household.

Compared to centuries past where men were gifted sums of money by wealthy in-laws or straight up given dowrys. Even more recently there were times where men would use the power to control spousal finances, especially when banks required a male consigner on any bank account. My mom always complained that she had to hide money from dad to even buy Christmas gifts and things her or us kids needed. That is wrong and society acknowledged that problem enough decades ago that it would be difficult to accomplish in this day and age (nothing is impossible with enough motivation and resources). So now, the only real benefit you get is on taxes, and nowadays that only really means anything if you have kids. The point is if I was relying on financial benefit to marriage I fell for the old paradigm when it no longer existed.

But I know I didn’t fall for it to begin with.

I wanted love enough that I took a risk marrying an older divorcee of another race, despite both of my parents arguing with me to try and change my mind. Mom was against the age and being a divorcee with a daughter. Dad was against his race. Mom was the most correct at nailing down the hazards, because half of our financial problems linked back to his marriage and child support, the other half linked to the health concerns from a broken heart.

My source of love has cost me quite dearly, because even if I wanted to go back to school my only hope would be to test high enough for a free ride to grad school, no easy feat. I am unable to obtain student loans due to my two current ones still being in a decade of default, combined with already being leveraged to the hilt with home and vehicle- the result of being head of household. My only hope would be full scholarship on merits.

So, I took the risk and ate it. It has tied my hands in many ways, but I still have my loving husband as long as he shall live. I am still 100% grateful for his love and our years together. Tough as they were, I still have hope for better to come.

And that is where I would love poly to join us. Many days will improve with more hands, more finances to share, new ideas, and more perspectives to consider, new things to try. Beyond all of that though, more hearts equals more love; if I managed to survive everything else to experience that love twice over with much less difficulties, then I say it’s worth it. That’s why I wish poly was legal.

At this point I do still love my husband despite everything, and walking away would break my heart and cost me even more because I would become the one with the child support bill. I simply refuse to do that to myself.

Yet I still want the twice-love and less-responsibility dream of a poly family. Finding a significant other when you are already so committed to someone, is a challenge because the divine masculine still hasn’t relinquished the idea of the old paradigm. They still want the power and financial draw that is promised by the old paradigm of marriage. It’s supposed to be the reason for the ceremony and legal paperwork, the security behind the commitment. I don’t enjoy bursting bubbles over and over again, and I don’t enjoy the ripple when someone’s expectations are shattered. It has turnicated one too many attempts for me, and I don’t think I can muster another try.

But I still have hope. I still desire the loving committed supportive relationship of another. And that is why I wish poly was legal here. I could fulfill that pretense of the old paradigm of marriage committment, and still get my twice-love and less-responsibility of the poly paradigm. Plus I genuinely do wish for all the reasons anyone wants a new relationship, especially one as strong to hope it last many years. You know, the love, the new relationship energy, the going and doing fun things, the exploring of another person’s mind, personality and body, the kisses and hugs, and everything that a new relationship entails. It’s all very daydreamy for me and it’s definitely a good nonsequiter from my current reality.

So yes, I’ve pondered the shift that being able to fully commit to another partner would entail. I would love to have dates without the fear of shattering another person’s hopes, desires, or expectations. I would love to just be able able to be me and still look forward to getting to know someone new. I can daydream right?!

I love my husband and he will be my loving caring supportive companion as long as he lives. It’d be awefully nice to have better days too. So I daydream for now and leave the rest up to the divine.

May you have pleasant distractions when you need them. May your daydreams matter and help make the world a better place. May you have all the love you seek, and the fun and enjoyment too. May you enjoy your life mostly and make the best of what you do have. May we all see improvement continue in all ways. Finally, may you know that the divine loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

How do you choose?

I’m mulling over my decisions this week, somewhat agonizing over my choices.

The one that started it was my decision to deal with a dead tree and insects threatening my home. I could have not done that, and gotten Nathan and I both, the IV treatments. But doing the tree means one of us has to sit and wait longer. I chose myself to wait.

My reasoning was complex. First, I really value my own health, and really, really want to heal all the way. If you don’t have your health, then you don’t have much. Plus, the rule used in airline safety definitely applies elsewhere: “Take care of yourself first, so you can stay alive to help others/children.” It’s super important to be able to stay alive and be helpful to others, it’s our duty in living all of life in it’s entirety, not just for emergencies. It is how we give love back to the divine.

Yet at the same time, I know I have worked like crazy on my health. I may not have healed fully, but I have shown some improvement. My face/skin is consistently clear, I have fewer allergy symptoms across the board, and my body is fitting well in smaller clothes now. It may not be congratulations worthy, but my improvement tells me that I am already headed towards healing, and waiting longer for a treatment isn’t going to kill me. It’s merely annoying and frustrating.

I’m more upset that I can’t manage the whole family being treated all at once. I’m concerned that if I only do part of the family, then there is risk of reinfection/repopulating the virus(es). I may get one or two of us better and it not last long enough to get the rest of us better. In which case treatment was a waste of money, which is still unfortunately scarce in my world- I just wish money were more abundant for me/us.

But my home is also really, really important. It keeps, not just me safe, it keeps a whole family of 5 people safe. It is the refuge for my husband and kids. It keeps all our pets safe too. It is where we share meals and entertainment and LOVE. I have worked so damn hard just to get a truly safe home, that the idea of anything harming that, feels like a personal attack. I know it’s not, but I simply am not okay with going backwards because I didn’t pay for a tree to get cut down.

So I definitely leaned towards tree first and then maybe a treatment.

Yet, then I was literally on the fence about whether or not to treat Nathan or sit on what was left until there was more to add to it. I really would prefer to do the whole family at once, it’s safer and more reliable that way. We would be more likely to have long-term positive results for all of us.

Besides, there is no one of us that is more deserving than another. We are all doing our best. I was infected as a child, I was just being a kid, I never deserved the damage it did, or the decades of heartache, misdiagnosis, and problems. And I was already doing my best to get better when my kids caught it. They had no say, no decision in that, they didn’t deserve it any more than I did. And Nathan, I may have given it to him not long after I met him, regardless he definitely has it now, and I didn’t want to give him anything bad. I love him and have since I met him. I want good things for him, and have spent 11 years doing my best to help him get healthier too. We’ve done everything that came our way, we’ve changed diets and exercised and taken gaggles of supplements, vitamins and minerals. We’ve even gradually gotten better at managing stress in our lives and meditating. None of us deserves more than another, and none of us deserved to catch the damn virus. But, Nathan is not doing well, he is the farthest from health. The rest of us have a fighting chance all on our own, and he’s just trying not to drown already.

I really am worried about him, and I know worry doesn’t help, so I’m doing my best not to think about it. It’s just so damn difficult when, you are told that the only person in your adult life to show true unconditional love, is doing worse health-wise, and it is likely because of a virus or two that you gave them.

I caught Epstein-Barr as a kid, but I caught mystery-virus (aka covid) at work. I brought them both to my family, and I was just trying to be a good girl and do what I was supposed to do. I was trying to help them by doing my job to pay bills, by being a good mom and wife. I just wanted to take care of my family and doing it alone was really hard. I don’t know how to live with that, and I don’t know how to fix it other than try the damned iv treatment.

So, Nathan is going to get treated first to hopefully fix his journey as much as possible and maybe pull him out of the nosedive. The rest of us will happen when it happens, and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing to glean even baby steps of progress for the rest of us.

I just don’t know how to make anything else happen. This I can do. I had really hoped god would help, but after 11 years of doing my best, and to get told the things I heard the last two weeks, it’s pretty obvious it’s not likely.

I’m grateful for the clinic and the help and support I have gotten there and from all my co-staff. It is helping me keep my shreds of sanity. I am grateful that I can work with quiet stillness to help me focus on positives.

I’m grateful that I know how to reach for better and reach for solutions. I’m grateful for my meditation time. I am grateful that I have solved vast portions of my puzzle and that I at least have a worthy goal.

I wish I could do both the tree and all of us getting treatment. I wish the damned viruses hadn’t even affected us to begin with, or that they barely touched us. I wish we were all healthy again and the tree was already solved. I wish I had the loving supportive poly/extended family I have long desired. I wish my life and my efforts mattered to God. I wish my prayers mattered. I wish that I was good enough…

I keep trying and I’ll keep pulling up. “I’m not dead yet!” -Monty Python

There’s always a next step, there’s always something else to do or be done. There’s always the next best possibility, the next best thing. Maybe cannabis-based products will be that answer when I finally have legal access to them, they have healed seizures for little kids, what’s virus damage compared to that?!

There are other topics that came to mind when I chose to write this post (poly-family, my sexuality, desires for love/lovers, etc.), but I think you get the idea with just this one moment.

I seldom glaze over anything, and nearly always over-think everything, wanting the best outcome possible. My heart is often aching to be able to solve a both situation, because I rarely am 100% comfortable with my choice. If I could rewrite my worldview, I would eliminate scarcity and replace it with genuine abundance in all areas. That is usually the mechanism behind my agony and feeling like I must choose something other than both. I want both more often.

May you see the mechanisms hindering your progress. May you understand that there are always reasons for wanting both. May you understand that if you want both it is because both genuinely have meaning for you, sometimes even more than you realize. May you find ways to accommodate both no matter what the situation. May you release worry and find ways to reach for better. May you know you are loved and supported, and God is trying to help, but we’re the ones in our own way. May you see evidence of that love and support all around you.

Om Shanti

Cover photo is from our walk yesterday evening. Below you’ll find pictures from my walk at lunch today, and last night.