Tag Archives: thought

I Survived the Thickness

The thick, the sick, the chemicals, and everything else laid to waste. This “mad world” has not taken me under yet, and if I have my say it won’t claim anyone else either.

I have survived chemicals in my drinks: flouride, chlorine, and other trace chemicals in my water, and sodas with sugar, acid and artificial sweeteners. I have survived chemicals in my foods: preservatives, pesticides, and others.

I survived it all.

I have survived Epstein-Barr for probably 27 years or more. I survived the damage it did to my thyroid and my emotions. The damage it caused to my pancreas, and allergies inflicted.

I survived the resulting ripple it caused for pregnancy and birth. I not only survived, I have taken care of myself and found some healing, even if it was slow.

Then I survived Covid and it’s havoc on my body taking everything negative and bringing it directly to my immediate awareness. It flared everything Epstein-Barr started, and took it a step further, driving me nearly insane. It damaged my son’s brain and my husband’s kidneys, but we’re all still alive.

Regardless of western medicines’ lack of ability to solve any of it, I will find a way. See I’m a thriver at heart.

If nastiness like that only takes me down, I survive, and I eventually overcome. Then, once I fully overcome all of it, I will thrive in a massive way. I look forward to that time.

For now I’m giving myself credit.

I deserve the beautiful body to match my beautiful insides, and to do that I have to stay focused on my love for myself.

I found reverse osmosis water and organic produce. I found auto-immune Paleo and Raw diets to enable healing. I found numerous supplements to manage symptoms and enable healing. I found my way out of darkness because of Dr Illardi’s ” Depression Cure”. I revived my love of the sun and found ways to love physical activity. I make an effort to connect with nature, mother Earth, and humanity.

I have taken care of my entire family since July of 2010. I have kept us alive and housed, and clothed and fed.

I helped my father and an acquaintance in the midst of their hard times.

I have donated time, items, and money to charities and individuals.

I help people on my table to feel better and find their own healing every day.

And through all of it I have even found a way to take care of myself. I have given myself space for healing to the best of my ability. I have done everything I could to feel better, as often as I was able.

I am strong and capable. I know how to persevere.

I am smart, nay very intelligent and I choose to use my gifts for good. I do my best to educate everyone I come in contact with.

I may never reach the same enlightened master level such as the likes of AdiYogi Shiva, Buddha, or J├ęsus, but I did mine while caring for others daily. I did mine while birthing and raising children. I did mine while fighting diseases in my own body and caring for a husband with even more complex health concerns. AND I did mine when Western Medicine was bent on doing only the lazy, simplest, send you on your way options.

So, if you ask me, my battles have been more challenging and the fact I’ve made it this far is majorly commendable.

So yes, I am focusing on my victories and accomplishments. I am loving myself so my inner beauty can be seen by everyone. I love me and I deserve the best for myself. I deserve recognition. I deserve to be acknowledged for my healing journey, everything I have gone through and survived, to reach for thriving.

I love me and I hope you love yourself too.

May you see your accomplishments. May you acknowledge your own gifts. May you love yourself and honor others for their tough journies too. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

DM toxic or safe?

So this backslides only slightly on the vibrational scale. I had a set of thoughts and external influences, trigger a message that needs conveyed.

Essentially there is a lot of talk these days about our DF & DM… That’s divine feminine and divine masculine to anyone needing clarification. As my readers know I’m a mix, and Nathan too is a mix. So, I suspect we have at least one of each out there waiting for us, or another person or two that at least balance the mix scales.

I was ‘given’ a video link that spoke to DMs being angry over being put down. Here’s the deal, if you lept to anger, then there’s an element of truth in it for you. We get angry with ourselves for failing to meet ideals, but even more if we’re not even trying very much. Then as humans we push that anger outward to deflect the pain from ourselves. I have lots of experience in this process and still battle it regularly myself. It’s human nature and very difficult to fight. It’s also very understandable to a degree.

What is important to note though is that when DFs start harshing on DMs it’s because we’re referencing toxic ones. My father is a good example.

Toxic DMs rely primarily on anger and lower vibrations. They like the fight and struggle. They like proving themselves more powerful than others and will resort to any means to do so, even emotionally damaging and physically damaging means. AND toxic DMs don’t care who’s in that path. Their own lovers and children often take the brunt of their toxicity. They take the pleasure of the win over any other costs. They live in addictions because it is the only way to find “good” feelings. They never took the time to learn how to climb up the emotional scale and want everyone else to hurt as much as they are, so they can feel better in their pain through the power of domination.

So yes, toxic DMs are a generally an unacceptable place to be, and unfortunately pretty much all of my father’s generation fit that bill. There are always exceptions and even in his generation there were men that found another way, they were not weaker or less of divine masculine. In fact, I and many women, argue those anomalies of the older generation were in many ways better, more capable masculine humans.

Currently many DFs are seeking for a revolution to tip the scales so that our generation and especially younger generations have an overwhelming number of safe and healthy divine masculines.

So what makes a safe and healthy divine masculine?

The biggest element I could put my finger on is that they know how to focus thought and climb the emotional scale. Second biggest for me was that they are secure in their own power and have no need for the battle to prove power.

So, a healthy safe DM can climb the emotional scale and can label all of the positives. Not only can they label their positive feelings, they feel even better when they find a way to express them fully and completely in their own voice and style. They are able to convey their positive emotions to others from a place of confidence. They are able to share love, joy, exuberance, exhilaration, and even ecstasy in safe ways, and even in platonic ways.

Qualifier: this is the ideal, there are some of those emotional levels I still have difficulty reaching, let alone expressing myself. We’re all works in progress, and the more capable you are the less toxicity it allows for.

So generally a quality DM can tell you what they are feeling at any given time. They don’t have to constantly express themselves, but if you ask they can give accurate truthful detailed answers. If they love you, they can say it, and more than just those 3 words. They can tell you why they love you, and what you mean to them in it’s entirety. If they want to hear the same from you they can also express their need for that, and be open to whatever your expression/explanation manifests as.

Even further, a quality DM can climb the scale.

I’ll make up and example:

DM had a shitty day at work and is really angry and frustrated. He takes 5 min to calm before going into family. He expresses his feelings in a calm manner to his SO (significant other), and then explains that he needs a few minutes to clear and refocus. He does that, maybe it takes 10 min, maybe it takes 45, but when he comes back to SO he’s in a much better space and can express what was causing problems and that he’s now focused on XYZ solutions and feeling better. He can use that refocused moment to really notice his SO and express love and appreciation for the patience. (I’m getting better at my moments like this, but I’m still not perfect and I’m utterly grateful Nathan is so patient with me.)

All of these elements were lacking in my father more often than not. “I love you” always came with a “but…”, right up until he stayed with me this summer, and even then it was merely a pause in whatever tangent he was on. He also only ever managed those 3 words and gifts or money to show affection. Additionally, gifts and money would always get flipped later, and used as guilt trips if you screwed up. I got to a point by the time I was in highschool, where I didn’t even want him to give me anything because I knew it would eventually be used against me. I wanted affection, and ultimately that desire brought me Nathan.

Anyway, that second element of not needing the fight for power’s sake: there’s a huge difference between finding joy in playing a game, and needing the struggle.

It doesn’t matter if the power struggle is in sport or an office building. It really can be either, and I have watched both.

My father played the struggle in offices and at home, and never touched a sporting field in his life, but he was constantly intent on making certain everyone knew he was in charge. He would change jobs the instant that people didn’t listen to him and take his advice or suggestions. He constantly berated us at home making sure we knew he was in control of finances and our housing, and that we wouldn’t survive without him. Take the abuse and shut up, because you’d be homeless and starving without me, mentality. Of the whole family, I was always the most vocal about that. I wanted to challenge his power, even as a young child I remember telling my Mom, “He’s making it up to scare us, we should just leave.” She would tell me “where would we go?”, and make me drop it. I was the one in middle school that got in a screaming match with him and threatened to turn him into DHS. He ended the argument with “go ahead, see where it gets you”. Unfortunately, I was 12 and didn’t have the confidence yet to follow through.

But I’ve also seen similar done by sports people. There was a rugby player in college that was abusive to girlfriends not knowing how to shut the extreme masculinity off. Bonus he went through girlfriends like candy because, not only would they get sick of him being too rough, but also because he was only really playing just another game to see what the best girl he could get was. I was still really fat then, so I didn’t make his radar, but even if I had been on his radar, he was nowhere near mine. His behaviors were repulsive to me.

However, many masculines find great fun in games where they essentially beat each other up- kick-boxing, street fighting, boxing, hockey, rugby, and football are all good examples of this. They enjoy the strategy, the physical prowess they get to display, the challenge of reaching the goal of a WIN. Yet a healthy DM can see it is a game and can walk away, especially if it takes to much of a toll on their own being. The same goes for the office power struggle. Masculines can find enjoyment in the challenge and proving themselves capable, but a healthy masculine knows when to let the game go. It doesn’t have to be brought home, and if it reaches unhealthy levels then it’s time to walk away, no matter how entrenched they’ve become.

There are probably other elements that go into separating a toxic DM from a healthy DM, but those seemed like the biggest factors for me. Probably because I know they are my biggest challenges. Despite hating my Father’s behaviors my entire life, I was essentially brainwashed into doing them by experiencing excessive repetition. That same repetition that enables a baby to learn motor skills is what engrained those toxic behaviors in my brain. I have spent every day of motherhood fighting those toxic behaviors, and I have minimized them at this point, but they are far from gone. One day, hopefully soon, I will be able to update that statement with success.

Regardless of your biological gender or your perceived masculinity/femininity, may you find balance in your life and experience healthy levels of gender identity. May you find that you are learning how to move up the emotional scale. May you learn how to express all emotions accurately, truthfully, and safely. May you know that you are reaching for better and every effort towards improvement helps to make our world a better place. May you have someone in your life that is patient when you need it, especially in regards to climbing the emotional scale. May you find you have support and love all around you in regards to being your best self and reaching for healthy gender identity. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, and wants for us all to master our emotions and heal toxic programming.

Om Shanti

Where’s the magic? Revisited.

I thought about the end of the new reboot of She-Ra. I won’t spoil it except for noting that her reason to stay, to fight, was the magic of love. It was enough to conquer overwhelming odds.

Yet, just two posts ago, I wrote of the magic of our world and how it is missing (and in some cases being manipulated).

There is the magic of focused thought and the magic of love. Both can move mountains and change the world. Both are obviously absent in the majority of the masses.

Fast forward to this evening. I had a long winding thought journey to get away from external influences. I knew I was being triggered by others again, and was pretty sure of the sources. I’m not going to rehash to journey because I made it through. I cleared the vibration and found my alignment.

My results are, that like She-Ra, I am willing to stay and use all of the magic for good if the magic of love is evident. I know I can overcome fairly overwhelming odds already, I have done it for myself and my family many times over.

Now, I acknowledge that I am deserving of better. I am deserving of those in my world honoring and respecting my being, fully and completely. I am deserving of love shown and focused magical thought from those around me. I am deserving of people that have worked on healing themselves as diligently as I have worked on myself (eliminating addictions and excuses). I am deserving of being surrounded by authentic people who are fully honest with me about who they are and what they feel (I have always been able to tell when someone is lying and there’s some serious truth serum needed in my experience). I am deserving of an accepting environment, where everyone is safe to be themselves and grow on their own journey. I am deserving of a space where people unable to meet those qualities, simply don’t involve themselves, we simply no longer connect and attachments dissolve.

I am so deserving of better things/people in my experience for myself, that I am willing to fully and completely let go. I can stay, or I can go. Whatever God’s guidance dictates. If my current experience can deliver the goods, so to speak, then I will stay and wait for the reveal. If my current experience is unable to deliver, then I will do whatever God’s choice is, including exit life willingly.

Sometimes in our journey we collect so much junk, straight up crap, from sloppy thinking, that the good would be more easily found via exit from current life experiences. I believe my father is there, and honestly keep praying that he relax enough to get that and facilitate that. I believe that is also why, despite efforts to keep elderly alive during Covid restrictions, they are all still checking out (en masse without catching the virus). The more walls on their path, the easier it is to see the only option really is OUT. At that point they just relax enough and it’s done.

I know I have collected a lot of junk over my 37 years of doing and living for others and by others rules and obligations. So, I am honestly not sure where my solution lies. I’m still waiting for the next step answer.

What I do know is that in many aspects in my life, I am certain that I no longer owe anyone anything, nor do they- I.

I have helped many people in many ways, and a large group of them got to take the lazy route because I took responsibility for the load at that moment.

Now it’s my turn.

I deserve better and I have never really been a lazy person, so I think I deserve a taste of what lazy looks like. I deserve enough resources and support to see what lazy is really like. I deserve to see more of the good in this world, here where I already am and everywhere. I deserve more love expressed, from more than just my husband, and if it’s impossible with my current junk, I accept exit.

I leave the decision up to my higher self and God. I love me no matter what the answer.


May you know 100%, your deservedness and your love for self. May you know what you desire. May you be honored and loved in multiple visible ways. May you get to experience all the moments you desire. May you know that you owe nothing to no one, and no one owes you anything either. May you feel your connection to the divine and your positive vibrational alignment. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti