Tag Archives: thought

DM toxic or safe?

So this backslides only slightly on the vibrational scale. I had a set of thoughts and external influences, trigger a message that needs conveyed.

Essentially there is a lot of talk these days about our DF & DM… That’s divine feminine and divine masculine to anyone needing clarification. As my readers know I’m a mix, and Nathan too is a mix. So, I suspect we have at least one of each out there waiting for us, or another person or two that at least balance the mix scales.

I was ‘given’ a video link that spoke to DMs being angry over being put down. Here’s the deal, if you lept to anger, then there’s an element of truth in it for you. We get angry with ourselves for failing to meet ideals, but even more if we’re not even trying very much. Then as humans we push that anger outward to deflect the pain from ourselves. I have lots of experience in this process and still battle it regularly myself. It’s human nature and very difficult to fight. It’s also very understandable to a degree.

What is important to note though is that when DFs start harshing on DMs it’s because we’re referencing toxic ones. My father is a good example.

Toxic DMs rely primarily on anger and lower vibrations. They like the fight and struggle. They like proving themselves more powerful than others and will resort to any means to do so, even emotionally damaging and physically damaging means. AND toxic DMs don’t care who’s in that path. Their own lovers and children often take the brunt of their toxicity. They take the pleasure of the win over any other costs. They live in addictions because it is the only way to find “good” feelings. They never took the time to learn how to climb up the emotional scale and want everyone else to hurt as much as they are, so they can feel better in their pain through the power of domination.

So yes, toxic DMs are a generally an unacceptable place to be, and unfortunately pretty much all of my father’s generation fit that bill. There are always exceptions and even in his generation there were men that found another way, they were not weaker or less of divine masculine. In fact, I and many women, argue those anomalies of the older generation were in many ways better, more capable masculine humans.

Currently many DFs are seeking for a revolution to tip the scales so that our generation and especially younger generations have an overwhelming number of safe and healthy divine masculines.

So what makes a safe and healthy divine masculine?

The biggest element I could put my finger on is that they know how to focus thought and climb the emotional scale. Second biggest for me was that they are secure in their own power and have no need for the battle to prove power.

So, a healthy safe DM can climb the emotional scale and can label all of the positives. Not only can they label their positive feelings, they feel even better when they find a way to express them fully and completely in their own voice and style. They are able to convey their positive emotions to others from a place of confidence. They are able to share love, joy, exuberance, exhilaration, and even ecstasy in safe ways, and even in platonic ways.

Qualifier: this is the ideal, there are some of those emotional levels I still have difficulty reaching, let alone expressing myself. We’re all works in progress, and the more capable you are the less toxicity it allows for.

So generally a quality DM can tell you what they are feeling at any given time. They don’t have to constantly express themselves, but if you ask they can give accurate truthful detailed answers. If they love you, they can say it, and more than just those 3 words. They can tell you why they love you, and what you mean to them in it’s entirety. If they want to hear the same from you they can also express their need for that, and be open to whatever your expression/explanation manifests as.

Even further, a quality DM can climb the scale.

I’ll make up and example:

DM had a shitty day at work and is really angry and frustrated. He takes 5 min to calm before going into family. He expresses his feelings in a calm manner to his SO (significant other), and then explains that he needs a few minutes to clear and refocus. He does that, maybe it takes 10 min, maybe it takes 45, but when he comes back to SO he’s in a much better space and can express what was causing problems and that he’s now focused on XYZ solutions and feeling better. He can use that refocused moment to really notice his SO and express love and appreciation for the patience. (I’m getting better at my moments like this, but I’m still not perfect and I’m utterly grateful Nathan is so patient with me.)

All of these elements were lacking in my father more often than not. “I love you” always came with a “but…”, right up until he stayed with me this summer, and even then it was merely a pause in whatever tangent he was on. He also only ever managed those 3 words and gifts or money to show affection. Additionally, gifts and money would always get flipped later, and used as guilt trips if you screwed up. I got to a point by the time I was in highschool, where I didn’t even want him to give me anything because I knew it would eventually be used against me. I wanted affection, and ultimately that desire brought me Nathan.

Anyway, that second element of not needing the fight for power’s sake: there’s a huge difference between finding joy in playing a game, and needing the struggle.

It doesn’t matter if the power struggle is in sport or an office building. It really can be either, and I have watched both.

My father played the struggle in offices and at home, and never touched a sporting field in his life, but he was constantly intent on making certain everyone knew he was in charge. He would change jobs the instant that people didn’t listen to him and take his advice or suggestions. He constantly berated us at home making sure we knew he was in control of finances and our housing, and that we wouldn’t survive without him. Take the abuse and shut up, because you’d be homeless and starving without me, mentality. Of the whole family, I was always the most vocal about that. I wanted to challenge his power, even as a young child I remember telling my Mom, “He’s making it up to scare us, we should just leave.” She would tell me “where would we go?”, and make me drop it. I was the one in middle school that got in a screaming match with him and threatened to turn him into DHS. He ended the argument with “go ahead, see where it gets you”. Unfortunately, I was 12 and didn’t have the confidence yet to follow through.

But I’ve also seen similar done by sports people. There was a rugby player in college that was abusive to girlfriends not knowing how to shut the extreme masculinity off. Bonus he went through girlfriends like candy because, not only would they get sick of him being too rough, but also because he was only really playing just another game to see what the best girl he could get was. I was still really fat then, so I didn’t make his radar, but even if I had been on his radar, he was nowhere near mine. His behaviors were repulsive to me.

However, many masculines find great fun in games where they essentially beat each other up- kick-boxing, street fighting, boxing, hockey, rugby, and football are all good examples of this. They enjoy the strategy, the physical prowess they get to display, the challenge of reaching the goal of a WIN. Yet a healthy DM can see it is a game and can walk away, especially if it takes to much of a toll on their own being. The same goes for the office power struggle. Masculines can find enjoyment in the challenge and proving themselves capable, but a healthy masculine knows when to let the game go. It doesn’t have to be brought home, and if it reaches unhealthy levels then it’s time to walk away, no matter how entrenched they’ve become.

There are probably other elements that go into separating a toxic DM from a healthy DM, but those seemed like the biggest factors for me. Probably because I know they are my biggest challenges. Despite hating my Father’s behaviors my entire life, I was essentially brainwashed into doing them by experiencing excessive repetition. That same repetition that enables a baby to learn motor skills is what engrained those toxic behaviors in my brain. I have spent every day of motherhood fighting those toxic behaviors, and I have minimized them at this point, but they are far from gone. One day, hopefully soon, I will be able to update that statement with success.

Regardless of your biological gender or your perceived masculinity/femininity, may you find balance in your life and experience healthy levels of gender identity. May you find that you are learning how to move up the emotional scale. May you learn how to express all emotions accurately, truthfully, and safely. May you know that you are reaching for better and every effort towards improvement helps to make our world a better place. May you have someone in your life that is patient when you need it, especially in regards to climbing the emotional scale. May you find you have support and love all around you in regards to being your best self and reaching for healthy gender identity. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, and wants for us all to master our emotions and heal toxic programming.

Om Shanti

Where’s the magic? Revisited.

I thought about the end of the new reboot of She-Ra. I won’t spoil it except for noting that her reason to stay, to fight, was the magic of love. It was enough to conquer overwhelming odds.

Yet, just two posts ago, I wrote of the magic of our world and how it is missing (and in some cases being manipulated).

There is the magic of focused thought and the magic of love. Both can move mountains and change the world. Both are obviously absent in the majority of the masses.

Fast forward to this evening. I had a long winding thought journey to get away from external influences. I knew I was being triggered by others again, and was pretty sure of the sources. I’m not going to rehash to journey because I made it through. I cleared the vibration and found my alignment.

My results are, that like She-Ra, I am willing to stay and use all of the magic for good if the magic of love is evident. I know I can overcome fairly overwhelming odds already, I have done it for myself and my family many times over.

Now, I acknowledge that I am deserving of better. I am deserving of those in my world honoring and respecting my being, fully and completely. I am deserving of love shown and focused magical thought from those around me. I am deserving of people that have worked on healing themselves as diligently as I have worked on myself (eliminating addictions and excuses). I am deserving of being surrounded by authentic people who are fully honest with me about who they are and what they feel (I have always been able to tell when someone is lying and there’s some serious truth serum needed in my experience). I am deserving of an accepting environment, where everyone is safe to be themselves and grow on their own journey. I am deserving of a space where people unable to meet those qualities, simply don’t involve themselves, we simply no longer connect and attachments dissolve.

I am so deserving of better things/people in my experience for myself, that I am willing to fully and completely let go. I can stay, or I can go. Whatever God’s guidance dictates. If my current experience can deliver the goods, so to speak, then I will stay and wait for the reveal. If my current experience is unable to deliver, then I will do whatever God’s choice is, including exit life willingly.

Sometimes in our journey we collect so much junk, straight up crap, from sloppy thinking, that the good would be more easily found via exit from current life experiences. I believe my father is there, and honestly keep praying that he relax enough to get that and facilitate that. I believe that is also why, despite efforts to keep elderly alive during Covid restrictions, they are all still checking out (en masse without catching the virus). The more walls on their path, the easier it is to see the only option really is OUT. At that point they just relax enough and it’s done.

I know I have collected a lot of junk over my 37 years of doing and living for others and by others rules and obligations. So, I am honestly not sure where my solution lies. I’m still waiting for the next step answer.

What I do know is that in many aspects in my life, I am certain that I no longer owe anyone anything, nor do they- I.

I have helped many people in many ways, and a large group of them got to take the lazy route because I took responsibility for the load at that moment.

Now it’s my turn.

I deserve better and I have never really been a lazy person, so I think I deserve a taste of what lazy looks like. I deserve enough resources and support to see what lazy is really like. I deserve to see more of the good in this world, here where I already am and everywhere. I deserve more love expressed, from more than just my husband, and if it’s impossible with my current junk, I accept exit.

I leave the decision up to my higher self and God. I love me no matter what the answer.


May you know 100%, your deservedness and your love for self. May you know what you desire. May you be honored and loved in multiple visible ways. May you get to experience all the moments you desire. May you know that you owe nothing to no one, and no one owes you anything either. May you feel your connection to the divine and your positive vibrational alignment. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Reaching

Preface:

This a multi topic post that I’m not sure if it will wrap up concisely. I’m still following the rabbit hole myself. I apologise in advance if it is clear as mud.

Also, I am human and just because I reach for something doesn’t mean I actually accomplish it 100% of the time myself. I do my best, but as in all things, sometimes we humans fall short of our goals. We also often have ideals that can be hard to maintain consistently. Topics of this post could definitely fall in that category for me.

And so it begins.

Two conversations this morning caught my attention and started me down a rabbit hole of thought.

The first conversation included a comment about one party having passed something by their father. The second conversation included statements about work and enjoying being the low person on the totem pole even though their manager wanted to promote them to a managerial position. Both conversations triggered thoughts for me from my perspective and I know it somehow fits together. I’m attempting to type to that conclusion.

The details:

Conversation 1:  An adult referenced running a deal by his father for input. He respects his father’s business sense and wanted to follow the father’s advice. In regards to the fullness of the conversation from my perspective, my intuition told me he was right, and in this situation listening to father’s advice was a good call.

What it stirred in me is really interesting though. My knee jerk reaction is usually: “Why would a younger adult pass something by their parents? There are so many places to look for successful input, but even more it’s an opportunity to use your own guidance system.”

This is due to many factors, one of which is that I have been surrounded by elders that were busy keeping up with the Joneses and playing corporate games to ultimately just be miserable. This was strongly evident in my parents, but also in friends’ parents. Most of the older generation from my perspective was busy chasing “good jobs” to make just enough to look like they were doing ok. Then they would spend hours of their lives making sure that they could keep up appearances and managing to keep bills paid. They were all miserable most of the time. I never wanted to be like that. I wanted more financial success- true, but more I wanted to be happier, more satisfied with my life.

Beyond that aspect, my father was an especially good example of what not to do, and most of my efforts have been directed at attempting to be the opposite of him. He was never happy, his good jobs- never were, and his bumping elbows always seemed excessive to me.

For instance, the things he told others, he never said directly to us. A good example was when I was in middle school learning flute and he would tell others how wonderful I was, but at home, if he said anything about it at all, it was to make sure my grades were still “up” and that I was doing what I was supposed to, practicing enough, etc. There was always an air of ‘you can do better’ no matter how good I was already doing.

My father was also extremely vocal about what he wanted us as kids to do, and our choices were never acceptable to him, or at least it seemed to me. I was well informed many times over that I should be an engineer and that art and music would never make me money. Well I proved I could make money off of art (still do), and I know I could off of music if I wanted to, but I chose another option out of other desires and wish for greater amounts of money to be made. I still never became his precious engineer.

Why? I just could never understand how someone that was so miserable could push so hard that someone else do what they did. I always just knew for certain that if I had any chance of finding success and being happy congruently, that I had to do a lot of things differently than my father. I saw that his system was failing him daily in many many ways, and I wanted better.

Sometimes I beat my head up against the things that he scolded into us on a regular basis. It’s hard to duck around something that was both proverbially and literally beaten into you, brainwashing is very real; but when I can see his patterns clearly as being separate from mine, I make every effort possible to do something different, aiming for better.

Mostly, I feel like I have been successful and I am far from being my father. I have moments of failure, but in general, I am definitely my own person. I can’t claim daily effortless happiness, but I’m far closer to that idea than he even considered. My financial success may not be greater yet, but I’m matching dollar for dollar but with more to show for it. That alone gives me hope for greater in the near future. So potentially I have improved in both financial and emotional happiness.

Personally, I just prefer reaching for better than my parents did because they set such good examples of what not to do. The conversation I heard this morning, really just pushed the acknowledgement within myself that I have good reasons to not look to my parents for guidance, but that others might find as many or more reasons to seek parental guidance. Really, most anyone seeks guidance from those that they trust on a given topic, and parents just happen to cover multiple topics for children.

But, that takes me one step further into seeking guidance from outside of one’s self to seeking guidance from inside one’s self.

Because I was so bent on trying to reach the opposite of my father, I had to examine all of my options closely and listen to my inner guidance system to try and choose. Sometimes I would feel like the truly-best-option was out of my reach, so I would then aim for the best I could. Regardless, I was always trying to decipher how I felt about my known available choices.

I also always knew when something dad was trying to convince me of didn’t mesh with my inner-being. Every time he told me I was wrong, I would have an internal reaction along the lines of “that’s what you think, wanna bet?!”. Specific examples that come to mind was when he tried to tell me seeking a liberal arts degree was suicide, or that marrying Nathan was a huge mistake. 2 kids and 2 careers later I still disagree with him. I am a better person because of both of them, and the challenges were worth every bit of effort.

My point is that whether or not you look to those you trust for guidance, the best guidance anyone could ever find is within themselves. If you ask others, you get their known choices and preferences, which can help you see more options- something very helpful if you feel uninformed. However, they can only give you what they know, and they might not know enough to give you a truly balanced set of choices. Even if you utilize others to expand your knowledge and choices, you still need to ask your inner-being what is best for you at this time. That is the only real way to know for certain what you should do in this moment with what is available to you. Our inner-being is always our best advocate.

Conversation 2: Someone was telling me about how their job wants them to be a next level manager because they are good at everything and know a lot about the products and processes. They were expressing a combination of appreciation over the acknowledgement, and frustration because they like their job just the way it is. They like not having so much responsibility and a bit less work.

This tied in with the other conversation for me because it was about weighing the pros and cons and doing what is right for you. You still have to listen to your inner-being.

Also, it made me realize that just because you are very appreciative of acknowledgement of your skills, does not mean you have to deviate from what you desire.

The conversation left me with a sense that she really just wanted to stay in the job she had, that it made her happy. I wanted to tell her to stick to her guns and do what made her happy, let them find someone else to promote. However, I stopped short of saying that because I know it is ultimately her choice, and in this moment she may be focused on the good reasons to stay, but that she may have vibrationally asked for things that the promotion would bring. I would have no way of knowing that. It is hard to be totally in someone else’s thought processes and know their vibrational balance.

I have had a similar mix myself on many occasions. I currently have a mix on current topics, and I’m doing my best to sort through it all emotionally, from where I am currently at. Sometimes we just need to say things out loud to another person to help solidify how we feel inside. Sometimes it helps to list all of the pros for both and look to see which option has more pros (I usually don’t involve the cons if I can help it, they muddle things to much, and everything has cons.) Regardless of how you get there, ultimately it’s a conversation between you and YOU. Your human self really just needs to check in with your higher-self to see what the best answer is right now. That is ultimately all we could ever hope for anyway.

It’s hard to do sometimes, with so much going on finding the quiet space to get that answer is a challenge. Also it often can be even harder to stick to, especially when others try to convince you otherwise. Yet if your inner-being says it is the best, then it is always the best thing for you. You inner-being never lies about that.

God doesn’t lie, humans do. Always trust God force over human input.

Finally, there was one other moment today that somehow fits.

Conversation 3: The accupincturist at the clinic was telling me how she always scolds women to “Stop It!” when they start apologizing for being sweaty, or dirty from work, or not having shaved. She explained men never apologize for such things and neither should women. I agree with her wholeheartedly. Women do tend to over apologise for things they need not care about. However, I would say that some men do as well. 

The next time you feel the need to apologise for something relatively benign, ask yourself, is this a necessary apology? Ask yourself, if someone was presenting that to you, would you be offended? Ask yourself, would you want or need an apology in a reversed situation?  Ask yourself how would you act if your gender was different?

Sometimes genders do over apologise, and sometimes genders under apologise because of the feeling that it’s just built in to your own gender. Be aware of those faux pas, and make amends to your level of apologetics regardless as to whether it is too much or not enough. It is always kind to apologise when you feel you are not at your best for a given situation. It is also kind to yourself to acknowledge that not every lapse must become a long apology. There is a happy medium we can do our best to reach for and our inner being will guide the way on that topic too.

May you sense your inner-being and it’s trustworthy guidance on all topics. May you find it easy to reach for the best option for you in any given moment or experience. May you be kind to yourself and others. May you find the right guidance in every respect. May you hear your inner-being easily. May you know that God loves and supports in every way through your connection with your higher-self.

Om Shanti