Tag Archives: thought

Need to shut off.

I know that I’m picking up on someone, and it’s making it hard for me.

There’s been a whole bunch of really old posts being read. I’m not certain if it’s my stalker father or one of a few other people, but whoever it is, I can feel their state of being. That gives me a knowing it is someone I once cared for intensely, probably during the time those posts were written.

If it’s Dad, he’s lost some of the chaos I usually feel from him. So that could mean some improvement for him, or really that it is just another person.

Regardless, my antenna is picking up on several things. A desire to run away. A desire to die, the sentiment “how do I just let go all the way and wake up on the other side”. A desire to sleep endlessly. A desire to give up and let go all together. Thoughts about: God is supposed to be able to heal anything, but we have to be able to let God in; and what if we’re all so broken that we can’t let God in. Maybe that’s why everyone is dieing, God needs to start over fresh with not so broken people.

This is piled on top of my own regular stress and physical experience. My body is in pain from the ribcage up, and that is after having had my massage on Friday.

From about T8 to the top of my head just about every trigger point is flared up. So, from the floating ribs down I’m mostly okay. The image below is a section of the Smolders trigger point chart, which hangs on the wall of my office. The X’s are the trigger points, and the swaths of colors show where you feel pain or other symptoms like tingling.

In my last quick post I mentioned my neck had locked up when I took some supplements to try and clear out food allergy reactions. Nathan worked on it, I worked on it and most of yesterday I thought it was solved.

When I got home last night I did my Epsom Salt bath and had Nathan try to get to the subscapularis trigger point figuring it was likely the root cause.

This morning I woke to being in an even worse state and having mild dizziness. I got to work, and while sanitizing the office I bent over and just about face planted on the floor. The dizziness flared in a big way. So I wrapped up sanitizing and asked for an adjustment. My neck was soooo tight.

So, I proceeded to spend every gap between clients using my TheraCane again. At which point I had visited every trigger point from ribcage up, both front and back. They are all angry.

At this point the dizziness has calmed and I have applied biofreeze to my neck to be functional. I’m still frustrated that I have done this much physical manipulation, been extra clean on diet, and I’m still in pain, stiff and functionally dizzy. I certainly don’t need anyone else’s crap on top of it, when they haven’t bothered to do anything good in my life for quite some time now.

The chiropractor asked me about the dizziness. I explained the common causes for me and that it isn’t really frequent, but often enough to be obnoxious and horribly inconvenient. He said to keep up on the self care and explore all the options.

I haven’t talked to anyone about the energetics of my world and their impact. It’s frequently too much for me to figure out and handle, so why bother overwhelming others. Yet it does leave me feeling lonely at times.

Plus, I’m not sure how much of my neck/shoulder stuff is the greater energetic ripple, as God has sent me over a dozen people in the past few workdays that all had the same region in a similar state of being. Perhaps it is just a cosmic ripple that me and all my clients have been affected by. Maybe none of us could have avoided it, who knows, oh yeah- God.

It doesn’t help that between it all, I’ve had thoughts of people whom I was certain were going to be significant in my world by now. They aren’t and I gave up a while ago, but I still care and wish I didn’t.

On one hand if I cycle back to those vivid psychic dreams of years ago, they still produce joy. On the other I feel like it’s a delusional fantasy and not really helpful.

The american man I care for doesn’t seem to truly give a rats ass about me, staying professional and detached, so when my signal got stuck on the other person’s desire to run away, I thought: “no really, that is a good idea, no one would really miss me for long” thinking of him in particular. I had similar moments with thoughts of the other two.

Anyways, it is all just too much today. I want to shut off for a while and ignore everyone for a long while. If I go home kids and pets and husband and housemate will want attention. If I go somewhere else, it’s still freaking cold outside, so I’d have to spend money on a latte for some quiet time. I don’t know.

Clarity is lacking and I am doing my best to stay up even with aches and other people’s energetic influences. These days it seems it takes everything I’ve got to stay afloat in a dark sea of societal stress, fear, and tension. I want to be the light and keep helping God, but it’s very difficult to maintain at the moment.

May you find ways to maintain your buoyancy. May you see good in your world. May you find peace and relaxation when you need it. May you be kind to yourself first and others you love a close second. May you find a way to disconnect from the things that cause your life to have more strife or difficulties. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Om Shanti

Behind= Reason to Live

So, I’m pretty much behind on everything I had set for goals. But it gives me a reason to keep living and keep trying. I’m squeezing this post in on my celery break, I won’t bother calling it lunch. So, I won’t elaborate as much as I’d like to, but still wanted to take a moment to share.

I pissed my liver off with food allergies, I think I mentioned the hives last week. It was originally triggered by a chicken breast and a bit of Halloween candy prolonged it. Well last night I over compensated with supplements and woke with a mighty tight neck this morning. I had Nathan do some quick energy work and drank some water. Then once I got to work I pummeled myself with my TheraCane. I’m mostly normal again, and my body is feeling a lot better in general.

Nathan and I managed to finish the repairs and upgrades to the littles’ room finally. It looks much better and having all the toys in one spot and being well organized for little bodies to reach has been a blessing the last couple of days. Their room also feels much brighter and more enjoyable. Nathan may not be a master painter, but he did a good job painting the walls, and even let all the kids help with that process. I did the shelves, hung the TV, fixed furniture, put in the two new tables, and did the ceiling fan repair. It was a good team effort.

Ian and Katherine quite enjoyed the reintroduction to their new play space.

I wanted to share a bit about my little Ian. He is such a sweet boy, and very sensitive like me. In time that will be a blessing, but right now it can definitely be challenging as he works through his own strong emotions and tries to figure out the ones that aren’t his. It causes a fair number of meltdowns still, but he’s slowly improving. Lately, I’ve had to watch his foods as much as mine, I still don’t want to restrict him or tell him completely “NO” , but I’ve noticed that his antenna goes haywire like mine when he’s deviated too far off course. It’s a work in progress.

The upside is that he has taken a liking to “Avatar the Last Airbender”, and is working on learning the moves from the show.

It was my IN moment.

I explained to him that it’s based in reality and that is what me and Daddy do when we’re doing energy work. I explained to him that of the elements, I have mastered fire and water the best and gave him a demonstration of what that looks and feels like. I told him that the most important part of the elements is focusing on the qualities of that element. He immediately tried to duplicate the feeling. The best part was that he was successful. I told him it was weak, but I could feel it and he just needed to keep practicing.

So this morning with my neck lockup, he helped with some water element. It was super sweet and I almost started crying. I thanked him and hugged him tight. I love my son.

Finally, one of my clients is a psychology type therapist. She explained to me her category once, but I’d have trouble being accurate. Anyway, she’s grandfathered in with a master’s degree and thus can’t accept most insurances, which means she’s costly cash pay. She’s also full and not accepting new clients. That’s where I come in. She essentially tips me in Tips.

Every time I get stuck, she offers me tools and resources to help me keep going. Free of charge, only the cost of conversing while she’s on my table.

Lately she had given me the following resources and I’m finding them so helpful that I wanted to share.

Apparently my father caused me to delevope a protector part at a very early age. It looks and acts just like him, and I’m having a hell of a time eradicating it, so she’s helped give me some tips for that process. I’ve been doing the meditations and I can tell it’s helping, I’m just not clear of the other side yet. I look forward to the day that part is helpfully joined my whole and the doubts, fears, self-degredation, and anger diassapate. I’m slowly inching my way there.

May you find the upside of your behind-ness. May you have quality moments with your family. May you know you are making progress. May you enjoy your life more than not. May you have the help you need, when you need it. May helpful resources make their way into your experience easily. May you have plenty of reasons to keep living and reaching for better.

Om Shanti

If you love it, be willing to experience it fully.

I was working on finding my joy, my connection to God. Intrusive thoughts were hampering that, and I got stuck on one.


But because I was headed towards better, I saw them in a whole different light. I thought, if people love their guns so much, why don’t they want to experience them fully?

If you really loved guns, you would want to hold them, caress them, fondle them, kiss them. And if you were really, really in love with guns you would want to experience them as fully as you could. So while you were kissing it, you’d just pull the trigger and it would take you to God instantly. That is the truest fullest expression of experience of the thing called a gun. That would be the ultimate experience of that creation.

Yet, people that swear they love guns can never bring themselves to fully experience it.

You know what I love?

I love art and music and cuddling kitties and seeing my kids smile. I love relaxing in sunshine and playing with my children. I love seeing my husband smile and relax. I love love. I love companionship. I love yoga, comfortable exercise, and being healthy. I love helping others heal and relax and feel better.

Did you know that all of my things take me to God too?

I let myself do them as much as I can, and I experience them in as many ways as possible, and as often as possible. Yet, I’m not sure that any single one of my loves could take me to God as fully as the gun. I’m not sure I could ever find so much joy and pleasure in any one of my desires that I would get to release to God immediately.

Oh, I’ve tried.

I have immersed myself in art so much that a whole day disappears, and I never ate or drank or even needed to go to the bathroom. My mind only registered art.

I have immersed myself in music enough to loose a few hours at a time.

I immersed myself in birthing two children. With my son I barely noticed 12.5 hours had passed. With my daughter I barely noticed 24 hours passed.

I have immersed myself in work at several points in my adult life and looked back to a whole year having passed and saying “where did the time go?”.

But never has one of my loves taken me all the way to God, wholly and completely.

The gun, it’s unique. If you are willing to experience it as fully as it was intended, it’ll take you straight to God.

Maybe we should all make love to the gun.

Or maybe that’s why we’re so damn afraid of it.

We’re afraid of what God would say if we experienced it fully and completely. If that’s the case, why do you love them?

Things that seem questionable to me are not things that I find love and joy in. I have tried things as an adult I knew immediately felt wrong. I have avoided things that didn’t even need tested or tried to feel wrong. My body tells me things it doesn’t love and I walk away from them as best as I’m able, even when it’s inconvenient.

If it feels good and feels better that is what we are supposed to reach for, to the fullest of our ability. No matter what that is. No matter if it is daunting, challenging, inconvenient, or expensive. If it brings joy, go there, fully and completely and it will connect you with God to the fullest of it’s ability. All of this world is creation, and all of it has a place for some reason, experience it as fully as you are able.

Food for thought.

May you know what you truly love, and be able to experience it fully. May your loves take you as close as possible to God. May you know God loves you, and supports everything that you really love.

Siva Hir Su