Tag Archives: thoughts

Back Home.

I’m home and mostly caught up on sleep.

Heading out I quietly hid tears. The anti-LGBTQ brother was driving me to the airport. I couldn’t let him see my tears because I couldn’t talk about it. They were partly because I didn’t really want to go home yet, I wanted another week to myself. But too I was still sore for the revelation that I’m still not good enough for my family, that me being me is not within the range of acceptable. I really deserve to be accepted for who I am, even when some stupid institution says otherwise. God sees value in every single thing in this world, or it would not exist. God sees value in everything or it would not have been created to begin with. I am of God and I deserve to be acknowledged as such, even with being bisexual. I deserve to be loved as I am wholly and completely, because every cell, every molecule, every atom in my being is there because of God. I didn’t say any of it to my brother, I just thanked him for the visit and the ride to the airport, wished him a wonderful retirement, gave him a last hug and left.

Anyway, the return flight was as beautiful as the first, and I again took way too many pictures, even trying to catch the night ground. It’s moments like that I know I’m not really a photographer. Nathan would have known how to compensate for the speed and darkness to get great night pictures.

Also, there was a moment of note with person that sat next to me for half of the return flight. He was a quiet man, but I could feel him more than most passengers. It wasn’t uncomfortable like when I pick up on clients’ aches, but it was a bit distracting. I noted he was working on a crossword and there were words which caused me to begin to wonder. They were a little too coincidental, but I didn’t want to get caught staring trying to figure out if they were correct answers to the cues. So, I distracted myself with music and mantras. I was somewhat relived that he wasn’t right next to me for the 2nd half as I figured either I’d say something stupid or embarrass myself loosing to the distraction.

Instead, the second half, I sat by the Grandma and toddler of a family traveling together. The little girl reminded me of Katherine and made me glad I was almost home. I shared “The Forest of Piano” with the little girl hoping it might help her fall asleep, like it does my kids. She was less than impressed and stayed fidgety, ultimately cuddling in grandma’s lap to fall asleep.

So I started watching “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” I ended up finishing it yesterday afternoon while playing catch-up on rest. It’s a really good film, and even though it has some intense drama, it is ultimately a very inspiring film about a real life situation. It’s not the only movie I’ve seen this year, but it is the only live action, based on real events, type movie, I’ve seen in a long time. I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, now that I’m home, I’m mentally processing things I said while visiting family. I always wish I could say things better or do just the right thing, but I always feel like I fall short. I often second guess everything I say, and simply feel like I’m not good enough. Bonus add that whole ‘believing that sexuality differences are wrong’ and knowing I simply don’t fit, didn’t help.

I’ve done my best to push that one out of my mind and then I circle back to my other brother telling me he has thyroid cancer and they’re going to take his thyroid out.

I’m pissed at the system for failling me and my family, all of us. I’m pissed at the fact that I was the only one trying to help him; doctors/hospitals do bare minimum to treat symptoms, but every step along my journey I would tell him what I was doing. That is until he got mad at me and quit talking to me.  I’ve done my forgiving for the not taking phase, but now I’m frustrated that he’s taken a hit as a result. I have always been the little sis, and so he rarely actually acts on anything I say, but at least I was trying. I genuinely wanted my brother to know there was another option, another way, and help him the way I’ve helped myself. Nathan says it’s all okay, it’s his journey, but it makes me sad. Then I worry that I’m far too close to that diagnosis myself, uncomfortably so. I am beginning to believe that some of my shoulder pain may be my body trying to tell me my thyroid is doing worse. I so very hope not. I have some more things to try before I give up and let a doctor do their idea of diagnosis, I just don’t have any faith that they’ll do anything other than the most common possibilities, and throw in the towel if/when it doesn’t show what was expected. I’ve had far too many of those moments. But even if they really figure out the root cause, then what? Slice and dice with a life sentence of high dose medication, or kiss your butt goodbye. Those aren’t exactly appealing options, especially when I’ve done my damnedest to reach for better, health and healing.

Anyway, what was supposed to be three days of relaxation has turned into a renewed focus to find that, at least now that I’m back home. I deserve to be able to relax and heal. My giant priority list has been put on hold until I can heal enough to feel like I’m safely out of the scare zone. I need me. My family needs me. I need to find and maintain my inner light and help myself enough be able to keep being there for others.

Today I spent a long time reaching for that while I simmered a pot of Saag for 3 hours. I meditated on healing myself feeling the positive flow of electrons in my body. I felt the energy and moved it all around from head to toe. It felt really good and very helpful. I hope it can help me permanently reach for better. I deserve to heal fully. I am determined to heal myself.

May you have mostly good moments. May you trust your role and any words you use to accurately convey your thoughts. May you know you are fully and completely accepted as you are and that your efforts matter. May you feel better about yourself and your health and know that you are healing. May you look back and see how far you’ve come and see the positive results of all your efforts. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Magic Hippies Inspiration

So today I was battling the intrusive negativity again, and in the process utilized a mental light-bulb moment.

I had the realization that the Hippies of the 60’s and 70’s really won. They spent all of their time thinking about and talking about free-love, oneness, and all things feeling good. Now 60 years later we have cannabis being legalized (soon to be federally legal), and even plural marriage is being legally recognized in Brazil and Massachusetts, with other governments contemplating it. I suspect that like LGBTQ marriage, it will only be a matter of time until all states willingly (or have to) recognize plural marriage, good for us Polyamory people (polygamists too I suppose).

Anyway, the thoughts of the good things to come from those wonderful hippies years ago helped me to fight off the negativity. I really just focused on the elements of the old negative paradigm that have already fallen, and the pieces that are currently in the progress of falling. It made me happy to focus on the progress that society has made, and that the old guard clinging so tightly to their unhelpful beliefs is gradually fading away (or dieing). It made me happy to acknowledge that their clinging to things that weren’t working, is ultimately what led to their demise, and that the progressive leading edge is where life thrives. That simple dichotomy was what was so relieving. It really solidified that all I need to do is stick to the leading edge feel good things, and I will thrive like everything else. It feels really good to acknowledge that.

It is the magic of the Law of Attraction or the thought revolution: to simply reach for what feels good knowing that it will eventually produce real life feel good tangible things. Again, that quote from Aleister Crowley plays in my mind: “Magic is the art and science of creating change in conformity with will”. We all have access to magic and it is our will, our ability to focus, that enables it to do wonderous things.

This has only been solidified by watching anime with my kids.

First we watched “Mary and The Witch’s Flower” a 2017 movie in the Studio Ghibli style, and now we are working on the NetFlix Original series “Little Witch Academia” also similar in animation to Studio Ghibli.

Both shows are obviously oriented towards Magic and the unseen world and the good things that it can do and accomplish. This theme is continued from our recent exploration of She-Ra, and I have to say I am beginning to see it’s influence in my life and my kids’ experience.

I had a conversation with my 6 year old where he was trying to harsh on the shows, by saying magic wasn’t real. I simply explained to him that it was his perspective that was making it seem like that.

I explained that real magic isn’t seen with our two eyes like it seems in the cartoons. I told him real magic is seen with the mind and our 3rd eye. I explained how our thoughts create things, (for like the millionth time!) and reiterated that the magic depicted in the cartoons is a portrayal of that process. I told him the cartoons just make it look flashier to make it even more exciting, but it’s really something everyone can learn to do and the better you get, the quicker things begin to show up. I said “I can’t make something appear instantly, but then again I haven’t spent my whole life trying to either”.

I also reminded him of my Reiki work and moving energy. I reminded him of how we have worked together for him to learn bending elemental energy like in Avatar, and that he is starting to get it. I explained that moving energy like that, be it for healing someone or doing good in your environment, is all a form of magic. I reminded him that he can barely feel the elemental energy right now, but it can still be felt. So even though it’s not big and flashy and obvious like in any of those cartoons, it is still very much his magical gift.

One step further, I acknowledged that many of the shows of my childhood, and now those shows I am watching with my kids, have all contributed to a better understanding of these unseen portions of our experience. There are now two, maybe three, generations with a better grasp of the energetic world. Now only do we sense it better, we are choosing to use it in helpful ways, having seen the effects of a handful of powerful white men utilizing it for their own personal gain and manipulating the masses. (1%’ers). Us younger generations are intent on creating positive change that benefits everyone, and the momentum is already gaining, thanks to those early hippies having done their good thought work. It is a wonderous blessed thing to be able to step back and see it all, and it makes me feel so good.

On an only slightly related tangent. I had a conversation that began over woodworking projects, and segued into my swords. Ultimately, the conversation was because I need to replace a damaged mount for the one sword and in the process I need to accommodate our others. I was talking with the one chiropractor about that and he offered that I might be able to use his wood-shop on a day off to do that.

How it related to magic, thought, and powerful will, was in the swords themselves.

I have always disliked guns because they do immense damage, and anyone with working hands can pick one up and fire it, often mortally wounding someone. It’s how we have so many idiots going on killing rampages, kids accidentally killing siblings, and bullets damaging houses and cars because of a sports win. I myself have only fired guns once in my life, at the age of 13, and I can say with certainty that I could kill someone if I had to use a gun.

Swords however, are like those magical thoughts. Swords have immense power and can bring a foe to the end of their life, but swords can also be wielded in more positive ways, and the handler is the one that can make that decision. Swords require skill and knowledge for their force to be managed properly. Swords require strong will, power, focus, and vast knowledge for their usefulness to be realized. They are also quite beautiful compared to any firearm. I personally think that is why swords are still utilized in cartoons where guns are not. She-Ra had mad skills with the sword even though she was trained by the Horde to use guns, and rarely did she strike someone with the sword directly, yet she always accomplished the goal.

The cartoons I have watched with my kids have really solidified for me that you need more than just raw power. You need a full understanding, control of your self, control of your thoughts, knowledge, skill, and willpower to utilize it all effectively. The sword is just a symbol of all of that for me.

So now my inspiration is two-fold.

  1. Make mounts to hang my swords again.
  2. I want to create an art piece that somehow reflects both the concept of the She-Ra Sword and the ‘Skiny Rod’ or ‘Claiomh Solais’ that Akko carries in “Little Witch Academia”
    • I have an idea started, but it needs some fine tuning before crafting it can begin. I still have so many other things on my massive to-do list that it may be quite some time before I even get to attempt the construction. We’ll see. As with all things I never say never. I may get to it sooner than I think

May you have good thought moments. May you see and understand what your magic is and how to utilize it fully. May you have a positive impact on this world, especially with your thoughts and will. May you have quality time and good learning lessons with your kids. May you have more than enough inspiring moments to draw from in your lifetime. May you find that you are riding the leading edge and full of life force because of it. May you know that above all else, God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Delusional Fantasy

This quote has stuck in my head.

I sit fighting yet again with feeling mass consciousness being in a state of mass hysteria and fear. The whole ‘chicken little sky is falling’ is a bit much for me being an oversensitive type. However, it amused me that my kids watched a “Pete the Cat” episode yesterday covering safety and being overly cautious. I saw where a bit of it applied to current events.

I also am butting heads energetically with my ET again- so much so, that I have chosen the following statement to combat it: “Shiva, go destroy yourself, destroy your fear, your anger, your negativity, Siva Hir Su”.

It helps, but it is a constant battle.

I really don’t need to know the truth behind that connection anymore, be it my father or the past love interest, or something bigger than either. I just know I want the negativity to die, let it destroy itself. Maybe that would actually help create something better for once, not some half baked, not quite right, skewed approximation, or the shit this world is full of right now.

It also seems to me that the divine masculine collective (my father and a few others in my awareness included) are either not ready or not willing to change. They simply can’t seem to reach for love, acceptance and honesty. But maybe that is because I really just want an apology from certain ones, with some honesty, and really wish for all of me to be honored, and respected.

Regardless, I do feel like I’m trying to run with my own personal delusional fantasy, but with a thousand pounds of other’s muck weighing me down.

So beyond my short acknowledgement, I had wanted to write for a release and a reach for better. I’m not sure I can muster it today. Every thought brings negatives, every positive is drown out by hopes dashed, worries and fears, and most aren’t even mine. I fight, but today I have failed to win.

I tried to think about my place at the clinic in a positive way, and even failed at that. I won’t steal their thunder. They have worked hard for what they have. They are intelligent, hard working, and deserve acknowledgement for their efforts and knowledge. They do care in their way. Just because I need to continue to reach for improvement, does not mean I have to take theirs. I had hoped they would see all of me and my desires, and I had hoped for more with them. Alas, everyone only sees the part they want to see (maybe more human defect).

Yet, my feeling good told me that there was more. That I mattered in the ways I wanted to matter. But it seems that maybe it really was just my delusional fantasy.

I am just a place holder. This thing for that person, that thing for this person, etc.

Part of me wishes I did love guns as much as my father, I would kiss it and pull the trigger for the full experience and the release it brings.

As it is, I’m supposed to stay alive, and just live my mini-Atira on a shoestring budget. My dreams seem so far out of reach.

When we finally get the relief we’ve been waiting for years for, I don’t know what I’ll do. I have no idea how much it will be yet. I still hope it’s enough to buy a business or at least become a partner of one. But I simply don’t know, and what I wanted doesn’t seem to exist, especially at the clinic. It a good clinic but just not meshing completely, and I’m significant to no one. I’ve lost some of the confidence that I’d eventually be able to build my Atira, I’ve even lost confidence in being a business partner because I’m not wanted in the way I had hoped for.

I want to believe, but the darkness has filled my head with doubts again. It doesn’t help that I am living a close but not quite life, one that has limitations based on relationships and structures and locations. Covid has become the new F word, and I have taken to hiding more and more.

This world is not life. This world is not love. This world is shutting down and hiding in fear, and even my little close-but-not-quite clinic has fallen into it. Even my own home has too many conversations about what is going on out there, instead of being a peaceful reprieve. And the darkness and chaos that dogs me frequently, gets to my children too. I feel it hit me, and within minutes my kids feed off of it and ramp up into trouble.

My candle is about to go out in a sea of darkness, and I’m not sure I care anymore.

I have excellent days where I keep my head above the dark waters and can find the moments of positive to latch on to. Sometimes those good days fall in a decent stretch. This week I managed to keep it together most of the days, and struggled only on Wednesday and today. Other times it seems reversed. Regardless, the outer world is getting darker and colder, and it’s not just the weather.

Every time I reach out, my efforts just don’t matter.

Even my good days I feel sequestered and isolated.

Why is anyone afraid of dieing?

Our world died months ago and no one is doing anything to fix it. Hospitals still ill equipped, no solution for any virus that anyone has ever contracted, economy still in the toilet, business that will never reopen, increased suicide rates, increased depression rates, increased anxiety rates, increased opioid drug use, increased theft/burglary rates, increased auto-immune diseases, increased autism, increased anaphylactic allergies, no parties, constraints on gatherings of any kind, churches shut down, longer and longer lines outside at food banks, more homeless, more unemployed, yet national guard has been deployed to several overseas locations. Weather patterns shifting, coral reefs dieing, polar ice caps melting, plagues of many insects, wildfires burning entire states to the ground.

Really, seriously, is there anything good left?

There has to be, but winter has hit, so tress are bare and flowers are dead/gone. I find myself watching squirrels over and over again. I told one yesterday ” Do you know how cute you are to me right now?!”

Even our winter holidays that have existed for hundreds of years, thousands even, intended to help people make it through harsh weather and excess darkness, have been sidelined or shut down completely. We might as well just kill each other now, if we all started shooting each other it’d be over quicker.

It is what it is. I’m okay for the moment and my mood shall pass, I’ve practiced enough to know I’ll pull up again. I guess I will just have to latch onto watching squirrels and do my best to ignore every iota of everything else.

“Shiva, go destroy yourself, destroy your fear, your anger, your negativity, your chaos. Siva Hir Su”

Siva Hir Su

Siva Hir Su

May you see some positives in your world. May you find your strength and endurance to keep your own light bright. May you see the light at the end of the tunnel. May you be significant to others. May the darkness and chaos leave you alone. May the darkness and chaos kill itself. May those of us wanting to make the world a better place survive and find each other.

May God’s light shine bright and protect the positives. Om Shanti