Tag Archives: tired


I can feel it in the air tonight.

A storm is rolling in, my children are having expansive moments, and I’m fuzzy around the edges: not quite thinking 100% clearly being tired from 12 days of work. I have one day of work to go and beyond being very ready for my day off, I’m aware of a sense of something other than a storm approaching.

In the past, these moments have carried anxiety or a sense of something more intense. At times I’ve used the words: anticipating impending doom. Tonight is different, more reserved, more subtle.

I had a moment of grief at dinner over my probably never coming back SJ. I cried and told Nathan that a heart never forgets having fallen in love. His consolation was that at least I gave the love freely and that has to mean something. He thinks that the divine will send an even better replacement, but I know even the best replacement will not have the exact same feel. That is something I’m just working on coming to terms with.

Ultimately, if there is such an energetic connection and honesty, I’ll likely move on just fine in time. It just seems like this one is taking me a long time to get over.

I told Nathan it all leaves me feeling like boys are dense, and perhaps my attention should be on girls again/for once. But the only girls I’ve caught in my sights are clients (a huge ethical no-no I’m unwilling to break) or already married and most likely monogamous at that. So being I’m still not on social media and not desiring to be on any dating sites of any kind, it seems I’ll have to wait for the universe to send me a girl. God knows what my preferences are, as evidence by the other things I’ve been provided in alignment with my previous asking. So there will eventually be an obvious answer, I must just continue to have patience.

For now, I work on friendship: with existing friends and new work acquaintances. It’s easier and more relaxed anyways, except for my damn schedule being so inconvenient. Plus, I can be a little lazy on friends and fit time for them in as I feel up to it.

It also means I can prioritize me better as well. Sunday being my day off, I will assemble what I have so far of my new computer for graphic design. I’ll get sketch-up and some other software installed to be able to start my images for Atira. Eventually, I will be able to get a pen mouse for detailed work, I look forward to that. In the meantime, I also plan to make some edits to the format of my blog here in WordPress. I’ve hit some pretty exciting milestones at 350 posts over the last 4 years. I feel like my journey needs honoured, so I am going to reflect that in adding to my blog layout. I make no promises as to how long it will take me to do all this computer work, since this week has been so full I barely managed to post at all, but it’s still a short term goal for me.

Wish me well, and if you’re a regular reader, I’d love some feedback/comments or even suggestions.

Be well. May you have rest and relaxation. May you enjoy time off doing things you like/love. May you have easy to accomplish, feel good, goals. And as I’ve often said: may you find all of the love you seek.

Siva Hir Su

Very long day.

Katherine is still not sleeping solidly or consistently at night and still waking at 5 am. I don’t know if it’s a reduculous learned pattern from our time with the one family, or energetic connection, or simply a pattern we’re too focused on to solve.

Regardless, I now hate 5am with a passion. I’m determined to put an end to it immediately, so I’m literally consulting every tool in my chest to find a solution. Sane people do not get up at 5am, o-dark-thitry, for no reason. Only if there is a job or some other cause. I’m going to figure out that cause and solve it, so my family can resume normal and sleep through 5am.

In the meantime my dragging meant an impromptu nap in a cold car, followed by attempting to finish my day by tracking down 1 of 3 possible massages.

When that failed I waited in the game room for a resident to use the WC. I threw a few darts and then noted the Scrabble bag. I dumped the bag on the poker table.

This was the result.

I merely righted the letters to be upright from my perspective, and that caused me to see words which I put very little effort into lining up.

The result:

Much like my plate messages. Deciphering the meaning is where it gets tricky.

Jet in son C, Ed, L.E.G. or leg, Gee C Web, AA, N, VRE, OAT (or TAO) U L D, Ad M U R R_D_, Z Y Q


Getting home though my boys gave me loves.

You might be tired if…

– you fall asleep at QT fuel stations frequently. 

– you miss an appointment that you scheduled yourself for the first time ever in 5 years of self-employment.

– you start to head to another appointment a day early.

– you make it to the only Halloween event that your family is going to this year (compared to dozens in previous years), and promptly take up residence on the only sofa.

– your costume is a store bought witch hat & your only black skirt worn over your work clothes. (previous years costumes were very elaborate)

– every spare moment is meditation opportunity, but often turns into a catnap sitting up straight.

– perfect strangers comment that you look tired, and ask if you’ve had a long day.

– your coworkers express sympathy for your fatigue several times a day.

– every opportunity to sit is taken with a huge sigh of relief.

– you started to refer to yourself as an urban zombie.

– you take your husband’s head off over stupid crap instead of giving out the usual hugs and kisses.

– you fall asleep and when your alarm goes off in the morning, your immediate thought is “no way, I just set that a few minutes ago, did I screw up!”

– you have no recollection of your night except your one groggy potty trip, though some nights not even that.

– you realize that your first real day off is a majorly fun holiday and your only thought is “I can sleep in, or maybe the whole day!”.

– you fantasize about your online boyfriend, and it really just involves a good kiss and falling asleep in his arms.

– you find yourself frequently thinking “focus, what focus; I have no ability to focus on anything anymore”…. That or just inadvertently staring off into space even while someone is talking to you.

– you feel like a real live Igor; limp, haunch, and all.

– you realize your 2nd prenatal appointment is in a few days & hope your husband remembers everything important for you.

– you discover you’ve lost 30 pounds in the first trimester from your spectacular diet and pretty good willpower, but you’re inner voice responded with a monotone “that’s great, another 7 months to go.”

-hard surfaces frequently get turned into imaginary pillows.

– and finally: writing this makes you want to crawl into bed, even though you’re sitting in a friend’s house an hour from home.

Un exercice en Francais et en Telugu

For today’s blog:  I’m essentially utilizing my time watching our garage sale stuff,  attempting to keep my brain awake post route, by writing in the languages I’m learning.  This is to solidify for myself what I do and do  not know, whilst also demonstrating comprehension to others.  It’s an exercise I did back when I was  learning both French and Spanish in an academic setting, but this time I have no teacher to proof-read and grade my work.  If you are fluent in either language,  bear with me. In French I’m still having a terrible time remembering proper usage and placement of accents, and I’m supposedly only 33% through learning it. In Telugu I’m really still just getting started and still don’t have a full comprehension of language rules and congugations. Also,  I don’t have a Telugu keyboard,  so I’ll be using the roman transliterations as I’ve learned them. Honestly though, I’m still struggling to get all of the script consonant combinations down and  wouldn’t be able to type much if I did have the keyboard! 


En Français:

Je suis tres, tres fatigue, mais c’est une bonne jorneé aujourd’hui. Heir soir a été tres beau aussi. La lune a été grande et le nuit a été claire.

Je pense aux choses quand je suis dans la voiture. Ce nuit je pense que le garçon. Il est un beau homme. Je pense que je veux dire “Je t’aime mon amie”. Mais il est trop tôt. Je pense aux se travaillé. Je pense que il n’est pas m’appeler aux la téléphone. Je veux parler avec sa. Je veux dire “Voulez veux danser avec moi?”. Je veux a chez toi. Je veux beaucoup de choses. Je suis impatient. Je pense que il est trop lentement. Je t’aime beaucoup sa.

D’accord, donc je pense trop. Mais, quand je suis seule, je ne sais pas faire. J’aime chante, j’aime mon chat, j’aime les oiseaux, j’aime dormir. Mais, qu’elque choses dans le voiture est mal. Donc, je pense.

Tout le monde,  s’il vous plait, prends aux choses á vendre. Je ne veux pas prendre á le zone de poubelle. 

Continué a tres fatigue. Je veux beaucoup de dormir. Je veux mon chat et Nathan. Ils sont tres enjoyable. Mais, il y a dans chez moi, et je suis ici. Il est chaude, il est claire aussi. C’est d’accord.

Je voudrais un boissoin d’eau. Je boit beaucoup d’eau. 

Je ne sais pas de tout.


In Telugu:

Namaskaram, shuba dhinam. Dhanyavadhamulu. Nenu Telugu nerchunkuntunnanu. Na peru Treasa. Nenu bagunannu. Irouju thedi juin padakondu. Irouju Aadivaram. Na vadda ēdu pilli unnayi. Naku ā kukka’nte ishtam. Naku athanante ishtam. Atanu andhanga unnaru. Na kutumbam ikkada undi.
Ok, so I think that’s all my brain can handle for today.  With being tired; I know I’ve learned more words,  but I’m having trouble remembering them or basic sentences. Perhaps another day.