Tag Archives: triggers

Frigid Triggers

So I mentioned that I had been climbing out of trigger holes this week. I’m going to talk about that a little more.

One moment just after my birthday, I had a bit of jealousy sneak up on me. I quickly acknowledged that was going on and talked myself out of it. I acknowledged that jealousy is based on the belief that someone has something that you want and don’t have, but also some level of feeling neglected. I pointed out to myself that neither case was actually true. If the shoe was on the other foot, as in viewing myself from an outside perspective, I had that which was causing the jealousy, and I am far from being neglected. It simply wasn’t actually true, so that was an easy trigger to solve.

My other major trigger this week, and one that was reoccurring every single day, was simply the bitter cold and how it was affecting my life. One element of that was the whole ‘it’s the week of my birthday and the weather straight up sucked’. The other element was that it began directly affecting my daily work experience.

See, the clinic has two halves on two different heating systems. My office is in the half that has what is commonly referred to as a mini-split. Simply put, it has a unit outside, and then wall mounted units to accomodate both heating and air conditioning without the need for ductwork or other hazards of central heat/AC. They are only slightly less costly than a centralized system, but they are supposed to be more energy efficient. The biggest problem that I have noticed with the older unit governing my office, is that it no longer handles temperature extremems. It has gone down 3 times in the last two years, all during extreme temperatures- once due to heat in excess of 100°F, and twice due to temps below 15°F. This week was the second round of below 15°. The units work decent when they are only attempting to bridge a gap of 30 or 40 degrees, but once the range exceeds that, problems arise. This time it was the exterior lines froze preventing any function.

That treanslated into trying to function solely on space heaters. Generally not a huge concern, except that the 3 office rooms were wired on one 20 AMP circut. Which means that we could only power 2 space heaters on full, or if I needed table heat on, I had to turn space heaters to low. It was frustrating to say the least. So, it meant coming into a frigid space and doing my best to warm it by the time people needed to be disrobing for their massage. We blew the breaker well over a dozen times this week, just trying to get 2 of the 3 rooms to a decent temperature. Finally, the acupuncturists decided to temporarily relocate, so I was the only one attempting to get a room to normal temperatures. I still managed to blow the breaker 3 more times trying to warm the room up as quickly as possible.

It was frustrating, and at times infuriating. I kept climbing up from negativitiy, and something would set me off again. At one point the one acupuncturist asked me how I was doing, and I lost it on her, spending several minutes ranting about the whole situation.

I’m mostly (referencing generalities) still in my detached space, and because of that I keep repeating “Not my monkeys, not my circus”, but it is directly affecting me and that is why it keeps triggering a negative loop. I can’t stand weather this cold, and especially when I get bone chillingly cold myself.

In my perfect world I would be that person that takes an extended vacation when the weather turns crappy like this. I would love to have a birthday in Cancun or Hawaii, but alas it is not currently possible.

It also doesn’t help that no one seemes to care about the problem in a long-term solution sort of way. The chiropractors knew I was upset and began turning on space heaters before I arrived, but there was no motion towards a real fix. I pointed out to the acupuncturist that this was the third time I was having to deal with this situation and I have yet to make my 2 year anniversary. I explained that even though heaters don’t go down all the time, that it is a possibility with any system, and whoever wired 3 offices on one 20 AMP breaker was dense. There should always be enough power for worst case scenario. Yet, there is barely enough amperage for normal function in 3 rooms.

For instance, I am a massage therapist, and I have 4 seperate devices that draw a good amount of power. My room alone could blow the breaker if I turned everything on. I know becasue I did when one of my space heaters was taken by the acupuncturist. At that point the whole building was struggling to maintain, and the office manager and chiropractor had taken space heaters for themselves, and so one of my 2 tiny ones went to the acupuncturist. My solution was to turn on my hot stone roaster, my hot towel cabbie, and the table heater. The other space heater was already running, and the lights were on. 30 seconds later the breaker tripped. So just my basic devices which I have utilized for years, tripped the breaker becasue they were all on at the same time.

There is no way that those three offices can handle all of the devices that could potentially run at the same time. I can not run my menagerie, and then have the acupuncturist try to use diathermy, or even a laptop being used on top of my regular stuff would be too much. It simply is no good for a lot of reasons.

Ultimately, not only does the mini-split need some serious TLC to try and get it more functional, but if I had a say, I would call an electrician and figure out the cheapest solution to get those three rooms better power in a permanent way.

There also should be stored space heaters and fans for situations like this. As it is, I brought in 2 of my personal space heaters and the one accupincturist had one of her personal units. That means if we hadn’t been on the ball, the whole office would have failed due to a lack of heat providing devices. It would not be any significant financial strain to buy a fan and space heater for each room, and all of the rooms could come up with the shred of space to store them when not in use.

Alas, it is not my circus. I have no financial investment in the building or business. I am simply a contractor trying to keep clients happy, so no one gives a flying eff about my opinions. So, on top of hating the cold, being upset over a frigid birthday, and then spending an entire work week battling the cold inside of my office, the lack of my opinion mattering was just the icing on the cake.

It took every ounce of my mental fortitude to keep pulling up and finding my happy this week, and today I was so exhausted from it that I really just wanted to stay in bed and not even go to work.

Yet I did.

I showed up 40 min early, and the chiropractor had already turned on the space heaters, so it wasn’t as frigid as previous days. The sun was shining, so I got a bit more sunlight than the previous several days. I even managed to get in a decent workout between clinic and my 2nd job. I’m holding steady, and hoping that they seriously figure out a long-term solution before the peak of summer heat kills the equipment again.

Regardless, it’s not my circus and I will always do my best to stay focused on my happy place. I will keep finding better feeling thoughts, and do my best to keep pulling up, even when triggers are plentiful and repetitive. Sometimes it just takes way more effort, and I’m somewhat wondering if I will ever see a good reason to keep reaching up so diligently. Hopefully that’s just the remnants of discouragement talking.

May you have many birthdays with beautiful perfect weather. May you find that finding your happy place is easy. May it be life affirming and easy to regain your balance and feel good. May you have plenty of rest and plenty of warmth. May you see the results of your energetic and thought work. May you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do, no matter what.

Om Shanti

Need to shut off.

I know that I’m picking up on someone, and it’s making it hard for me.

There’s been a whole bunch of really old posts being read. I’m not certain if it’s my stalker father or one of a few other people, but whoever it is, I can feel their state of being. That gives me a knowing it is someone I once cared for intensely, probably during the time those posts were written.

If it’s Dad, he’s lost some of the chaos I usually feel from him. So that could mean some improvement for him, or really that it is just another person.

Regardless, my antenna is picking up on several things. A desire to run away. A desire to die, the sentiment “how do I just let go all the way and wake up on the other side”. A desire to sleep endlessly. A desire to give up and let go all together. Thoughts about: God is supposed to be able to heal anything, but we have to be able to let God in; and what if we’re all so broken that we can’t let God in. Maybe that’s why everyone is dieing, God needs to start over fresh with not so broken people.

This is piled on top of my own regular stress and physical experience. My body is in pain from the ribcage up, and that is after having had my massage on Friday.

From about T8 to the top of my head just about every trigger point is flared up. So, from the floating ribs down I’m mostly okay. The image below is a section of the Smolders trigger point chart, which hangs on the wall of my office. The X’s are the trigger points, and the swaths of colors show where you feel pain or other symptoms like tingling.

In my last quick post I mentioned my neck had locked up when I took some supplements to try and clear out food allergy reactions. Nathan worked on it, I worked on it and most of yesterday I thought it was solved.

When I got home last night I did my Epsom Salt bath and had Nathan try to get to the subscapularis trigger point figuring it was likely the root cause.

This morning I woke to being in an even worse state and having mild dizziness. I got to work, and while sanitizing the office I bent over and just about face planted on the floor. The dizziness flared in a big way. So I wrapped up sanitizing and asked for an adjustment. My neck was soooo tight.

So, I proceeded to spend every gap between clients using my TheraCane again. At which point I had visited every trigger point from ribcage up, both front and back. They are all angry.

At this point the dizziness has calmed and I have applied biofreeze to my neck to be functional. I’m still frustrated that I have done this much physical manipulation, been extra clean on diet, and I’m still in pain, stiff and functionally dizzy. I certainly don’t need anyone else’s crap on top of it, when they haven’t bothered to do anything good in my life for quite some time now.

The chiropractor asked me about the dizziness. I explained the common causes for me and that it isn’t really frequent, but often enough to be obnoxious and horribly inconvenient. He said to keep up on the self care and explore all the options.

I haven’t talked to anyone about the energetics of my world and their impact. It’s frequently too much for me to figure out and handle, so why bother overwhelming others. Yet it does leave me feeling lonely at times.

Plus, I’m not sure how much of my neck/shoulder stuff is the greater energetic ripple, as God has sent me over a dozen people in the past few workdays that all had the same region in a similar state of being. Perhaps it is just a cosmic ripple that me and all my clients have been affected by. Maybe none of us could have avoided it, who knows, oh yeah- God.

It doesn’t help that between it all, I’ve had thoughts of people whom I was certain were going to be significant in my world by now. They aren’t and I gave up a while ago, but I still care and wish I didn’t.

On one hand if I cycle back to those vivid psychic dreams of years ago, they still produce joy. On the other I feel like it’s a delusional fantasy and not really helpful.

The american man I care for doesn’t seem to truly give a rats ass about me, staying professional and detached, so when my signal got stuck on the other person’s desire to run away, I thought: “no really, that is a good idea, no one would really miss me for long” thinking of him in particular. I had similar moments with thoughts of the other two.

Anyways, it is all just too much today. I want to shut off for a while and ignore everyone for a long while. If I go home kids and pets and husband and housemate will want attention. If I go somewhere else, it’s still freaking cold outside, so I’d have to spend money on a latte for some quiet time. I don’t know.

Clarity is lacking and I am doing my best to stay up even with aches and other people’s energetic influences. These days it seems it takes everything I’ve got to stay afloat in a dark sea of societal stress, fear, and tension. I want to be the light and keep helping God, but it’s very difficult to maintain at the moment.

May you find ways to maintain your buoyancy. May you see good in your world. May you find peace and relaxation when you need it. May you be kind to yourself first and others you love a close second. May you find a way to disconnect from the things that cause your life to have more strife or difficulties. May you know that God loves and supports you.

Om Shanti