Tag Archives: trust

Learning to fly again.

This week has carried a heavy weight. One I’ve born alone as usual. Moving on from anything can be hard, but when there’s a strong energetic connection it’s even harder.

I counseled with an old acquaintance, had her reach for a less biased intuitive approach. In the end my desire to move on was relevant and she suggested some things to do to help. I was very appreciative of her input and validation of things I had felt and known. It did help some with a better understanding of why certain elements played out as they did, and was the nudge I needed to align with my physicality of moving on.

A short while later, I broke down while working on one of my elderly clients and through silent tears mentally begged Archangel Michael to help do for me what I do for others everyday: please take the pain away. It was after dinner and there was no sun, but the song “Sun Light” was stuck in my head, and I instinctively looked up to the ceiling for the closest light I could find. That made the tears pour down heavily, and I did feel significant relief. I did my best to remain quiet so my lady wouldn’t know I was crying while massaging her back. Several times that evening I had very similar repeats, ending with Nathan cutting cords on me utilizing some of the tips the acquaintance had given.

Today I’m sad, but functional and feeling significantly lighter. Most of the weight has lifted and I’m feeling like moving on is less daunting.

I told Nathan I want to, knowing it’s not going anywhere, but I had loved the idea of it/them, the interaction and energy of it all, so much that it hurts to let go and move on. Plus I can’t negate the connection I formed with the person and the very real emotions that connection carried regularly. I feel like I’m breaking my own heart. I said the law of attraction says you’re supposed to believe it and hold onto the belief, but it’s just not going to happen, so now I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Both Nathan and the acquaintance told me that it’s no reason to quit trusting my intuition, but that is where my distrust is the strongest right now. In time maybe I’ll trust myself again, just not today.

I feel like I also am holding distrust toward others as well, and I’m doing my best to let go of that. New people aren’t necessarily going to hurt me, logically I know that, but emotionally I’m so afraid of being hurt I’m holding others away. There is definitely a healing process when things don’t go as hoped or expected, and right now I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Then the universe sent me a message. A wounded butterfly.

As I picked up the butterfly, the song “Broken Wings” played in my head. The poor monarch had one wing that wasn’t working, and it’s so cold now that if I had left it on the sidewalk it would have died by morning. I let it climb me and as I went into Whole Foods I saw the mum display and gave it a warm new home. That was its best chance of survival, but regardless it could lay eggs and start the life cycle over.

I’m like that butterfly, and the song. I need to give myself my best chance at a fresh start. I need to take my broken wings and learn to fly again. That means I must do my best to regain buoyancy and look forward. I must find a way to trust myself and others again, and I must stay disconnected from what was at all costs.

I must reach for better and learn to love and live again.

May you have healing moments, especially for your heart. May the angels take your pain and grief. May you trust yourself and others, and learn to live on. May you feel God’s grace and God’s healing. Finally, may you find love, and may you learn to fly again.

Siva Hir Su

You found me Avis?

“You Found Me” by The Fray

That song played as my evening calmly wrapped up in the ever present clarity of hindsight.

This evening was an exercise in trust and understanding.

I ended work on time to pick up the rental van. We were nearly through processing the paperwork to finalize the rental and payment when we were notified that the van could not travel through the state of New York. We were not notified of that when we set the reservation 2 weeks ago.

Unable to secure that, we made phone calls in route to the airport, as all the rental agencies there were open extended hours.

Hertz had vans and they were able to go through New York, but would have over doubled our cost.

Enterprise had exactly one van left, and it could travel anywhere, but was several hundred more than our original reservation. I was willing to suck it up and eat the cost, but they needed one credit card that could handle the reservation plus a large deposit. I explained I had quadruple the reserves they were asking, but no one card of mine could take such a sizable payment. They simply couldn’t handle that, and I was unable to secure a temporary approval for the one transaction. So I walked away frustrated repeating OM in my head to attempt to real myself back in emotionally.

Then I called my dad in frustration to ask if he still had his second vehicle. He explained he did but it needed transmission work and was not safe for distance travel. I asked his opinion on the matter and he said he always relied on National rentals. I thanked him for his input and said I’d let him know how things went later.

I walked over and National had none left.

Finally I sat staring at the Avis rental counter. I decided I had nothing to lose and the possibility of actually starting our trip on time.

I walked up with Nathan by my side. We explained our evening just as I did here, and the service rep, said let me see what I can do for you. After some tapping on the computer he pulled up a minivan and quoted a price only $300 over what our original reservation was for. He processed it through 2 cards with no problem, and explained the rental only covered liability insurance, we would need to arrange with our insurance for coverage for damages. I said no problem and thanked him profusely for his excellent service and solution. I told him I thought he was my new best friend.

I felt so much relief.

At that point we were only down 4 hours from our original pick-up. We stopped to get our very belated dinner and food for children. That was when the song by The Fray started playing.

It suddenly hit me. Avis backwards is Siva… As in the ‘Siva Hir Su’ I now use to flow energy. My guides gave me that one after reacquainting myself with Shiva mantras. Roughly translated it means the quintessence of all that is here is good. I knew I had been seeing messages and signs, but didn’t understand them. Was someone telling me I had things backwards? After all the song is about meeting God a little too late.

I had had enough sense to use OM to calm myself enough to trust that somehow I’d figure out a solution. And I did.

With hindsight I think I’m seeing the chain of events as confirmation that one must have trust and belief first, and then you can see God’s solution.

In my moment of OM I simply knew I couldn’t give up, I had to make this trip happen. And after a few moments I sat looking around and realized the only real option left was Avis, all the others had been tried or were already known as being too expensive from when we set our original reservation. I had to try simply because I knew the trip had to happen, and at the same time I knew I’d had messages even if I didn’t comprehend them. God wouldn’t try to send messages if he wasn’t trying to help. So Avis was a small leap of faith that even if I was being too dense to get the messages, they must still mean I’m supported enough that my last option would be the possible one.

And it was.

I spent the rest of my evening giving thanks for everything, especially that the trip would still happen. I would still get to see my mom, Nathan’s parents, and my brother and his family. I would still get my 12 days of reprieve from life. I had a few crunch time stress outbursts, but otherwise we got packed up with just a little bit less sleep for the journey. All was well.

May you all have your moments of clarity that help you to see what you were missing. Moments that enable you to know for certain that the Divine is doing it’s best to help and support you. Moments that make everything all right and provide that immense relief.

As above, So below, Siva Hir Su.

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

Romantic Sailor

That’s me. On the outside I’m tough, strong, independent, and swear with the best of sailors. I’m not too worried about getting dirty when it’s necessary, and I can handle myself in most any situation, not to mention being able to wield power tools. I know how to stand up to hooligans and con artists; mostly because of a couple of encounters when I was younger; and even though those encounters were unfortunate, they did teach me exactly how to handle subsequent encounters. When I say I can handle myself I most definitely can.

Apparently this strength is so intense that I often scare off even the ones I’d rather not. I had a good friend from high-school confess years later that he was petrified of me at first. Nathan ran away twice and distanced himself a third time, supposedly because of other’s opinions, but he admitted that there was an element of being afraid of me. Now I’ve scared off another. Oh well, I suppose, if it’s meant to be, he’ll come back like Nathan did.

With that being said, I find myself saying “If only someone would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay”. Nathan has always relied on my strength, and though he holds me, that sentiment hasn’t been his strength. He’s more of the gentle caring, expressing love IS his strength, but his love wouldn’t falter even if the world was crashing down around us. Sometimes I just need to KNOW that my brain has created the apocalypse and really everything is right as rain. That strength of another to say “no really its ok, you can rely on me for now”.

Today might be one of those days. I’ve been finding Sundays rough lately. They are actually my easiest work day, but it’s Sunday, and a lot that goes on involves GOD. I take people to church service, and sit and listen to hymns and sermons. I have gotten to the point that I can see the underlying Truths between my beliefs and others’ beliefs so I no longer take offense to services that at one time would have made me feel like vomiting. However, I find myself torn between feeling connected, and hopeful, but also feeling like I’m still stuck and missing things and people. It’s a difficult dichotomy.

It doesn’t help that my connection to the divine seems to amplify the missing people part. It seems nearly every day I’m getting messages, but for some reason Sunday’s are the worst/most intense. Today, I put on Johnny Cash Pandora Radio for exercise, and every song that played was a love song. The sermon was about gratitude for people in our lives, and I thought of family and friends both present and away, but then I thought of the missing man. Another song played later “You’ve realy got a hold on me”.

My heart burned.

Now I’m sitting writing this as I watch Grumpy Old Men, typing to keep myself awake so I can do my job (keeping an eye on residents). It’s a funny movie ultimately, but having seen it before, I know the sappy sentimental part is on its way. I’m just not sure my heart is up for it today. Every movie that has played at this new job has left me in tears, and I’m just not sure I can handle more tears today. I find myself saying that the sappy sentimental is only okay if there’s something heading into my reality right behind it.  I just want the words to be followed by actions, but it’s hard when the words are finding their way into my experience through repeated encounters in my visual and auditory experience, but aren’t actually coming from the people in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, Nathan tells me he loves me A LOT. He explains how much he loves me, but now I see him and the kids roughly 2 days a week. Even then, I spend way too much time up in my head. Even if I was home every day and every night, I’m not sure my brain would acknowledge the sentimental attempts from my family and husband. I think I must have a frayed connection on that one, and I have no idea how to fix it. I only know I wish I could. I want to feel the words they speak again. Yet, more than words I want the actions, the physical manifestations of those words, and for my brain to see and acknowledge them.

I think my problem is I am craving those romanticized moments from movies and novels. I want my night in shining armor to whisk me off my feet and solve all my problems while making mad love to me. Something that I hold out hope still exists, but I’m inching increasingly closer to complete disbelief. It doesn’t help that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I live a very alternative life to many people, have no real traditions, and have very different views than most. I’m not so sure that if my knight did exist, that he would even want to be in my paradigm. I hope my saving grace is my values in helping people and bettering the world.

Of Course, then I find myself thinking maybe there’s a prince and princess out there that would want to rescue me and Nathan both, our whole family. We could be one big happy family in much better circumstances. There’s still hope, which I’m reminded daily by my divine DJ playing “Keep Hope Alive” by Crystal Method.

So I will. Keep hope Alive. As long as I can. Hopefully it is a finite period with a definite end, of which I am just not privy. Only God knows, and I’m doing my best to trust the divine process. Trust and hope… believing would round out faith. May my faith be strong enough to get me through, especially for the rest of this day.

Gud Wryter 2… What to trust.

On May 12th, I wrote my original post “Gud Wryter” discussing my thoughts of what contributes to being a good writer. Since then, I’ve been mulling over related thoughts. It has occurred to me that people without dyslexia don’t really realize the complexity and ramifications of having dyslexia, and some people with severe dyslexia don’t believe that I was able to learn to compensate for having dyslexia on my own. I fall somewhere in the middle, mild enough dyslexia that I was able to figure out ways to compensate for it without extreme interventions, and thus I’ve always gotten along fairly well in school and work environments.

To that end I thought I would demonstrate my level of dyslexia by typing a post without using any spell-check or auto-correct functions. I decided that this would be better suited to a computer, as my android phone tends to put in completely different words when I misspell my intended word. So the following is my unedited writing on my topic today “What to trust.” I’m going to have a very hard time not going back and editing this! ­čÖé ….

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I sit this morning porst route, all up in my head. I’ve learned through therapy that what I’ve aways alled “hamster-wheeling” is really termed ruminations. It’s when your brain mulles over something so much that it builds into being intesne emotion based reswponses, often negative. I’m working with my new therapist on exercises to help break the habbit, and find that its bvery slowly starting to help.

REgardless, this morning I am discovering that I’m having difficulty trusting my intiuition., and runminating a lot. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, 3 posts ago, I wrote about a lvoe interest in my polyamorous world. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have fallen in love with a man I’ve never actually met face to face.

We’ve been messaging for the better part of a year, and it seems to me that he is a wonderful guinine man. However, I’ve had more meaningful and deepre interatcions with pepole in person. Not just a few times, but hundreds of times in my lifetime. So why then, am I falling in love with theis man.? There’s literally no real, life-ecperience reason to be in loe with him. It’s just a bunch of messages, that for most normal people would at best equate to a really good friendship.

Yet, I fele that he has chosen me very carefully and in doing so, opened up some connection that was probably already there. a latent deeper spiritual connection. IS it from a past life, or just something that we are supposed to learn form inthis lifetime? I don’t really know, I just know that for me it is really intense, and seeminlgly out of nowhere and for no reasson.

Nathan, my sonderful supportive husband, is fully aware of our interactions. I’ve shard every interatcion with Nathna and asked his opinion at every step of the way. Nathna has let em vent and air my frustrations and quandaries aloud on many many occaisions. He agrees with me that I am feeling something beyond our interactions. He has helped to calm my fears and talked me through every concern and every moment of feeling like I’m going crazy. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive persn in my life.

Now, I tend to be a spiritual person, as I posted about in my “320 million reasons” post, it sometimes means that I get anggry with god when things dont go as I think they should, but, I do acknowledge that there is a divine presence of some kind. Whatever this force is has always porvided me helpful synchronistic clues when something is important to my life journey.

These clues helped me when I met Nahtna and was falling in llove with him. I got information about his then wife and girlfirend and though I was hesitant to share that information with him, he swares that it helped him through points ofollowing when both his wife and girlfriendd left him in rapid succession. This same source prepared us when Anya’s mom was about to pass away by telling us it was coming when no one else would admit it. This same source helped me through a very trying pregnancy, esnsureing that I had a very happy healthy and supre smart baby. This same source has hekped us find rental homes at times, and has helped me make discisions when I felt like there were not any good decisions to be made.

To be fair though, I don’t consider myself psychic. These messages have only ever pertained to my direct life experiences. I have never gotten intense messages like this regarding other people, and definitely never with strangers.

Now this source is telling me things about this man that I’ve been talking to. It’s been conveying to me through a variety of means, all manner of input regarding this man. I know my intrepretations are leaning in hte right direction, because I’ve always gotten this intense tingly sensation up my spine when I’ve “hit the nail on the head” so to speak. That sensation has always been present, and we’re talking about a decade of divine message intrepretation.

So I’ve gotten that a lot of late. For instance, I know (believe based on these clues) ┬áthat he is afraid of ramifications fo being with me in a relationship sort of way, even though he intentionally sought out a polyamorous person. I know that becasue he hasn’t discussed things with his fiance, he’s petriified of screwing things up with his family, because he’s afraid that his fiancee wont agree to being poly. I believe that he might also be concerned about the logistis of a relationship with me. It seems He’s also really overwhelmed and confused over this stragne connection that we share, becasue he has felt it too, but it’s new territory for him. I’ve been told that we’re both having trouble trusting and listening to our intuitions. That ultimately we’re headed the same direction, but htat he’s going extra slow because of all of the confusion and fears. I’ve been shown moments with him in the future, moments that even in being just thoughts bring me great joy. I believe that I even know what he looks like even though I’ve only seen one fuzzy selfie-picture. I have felt him thinkging about me (several times), one of which was validated in a conversation with him later the same day it happened. Also, on several occcaisions I’ve felt his thoughts start out about me and turn toward the fears. Finally, at one point, he told me he’d moved to Norht carolina, and within hours of him telling me that, I got a very clear message that he hadn’t. That it was an unsuccessiful attempt at breaking the connection, he was so afraid of what he felt that he didn’t know what to do ecxept tell me he’d left hte city. The next time I conversed with him, I tried to subtly call that out, and as soon as I did I felt his reaction to ┬áhis realization of my knowing: a giant pit in my stomache and he quit talking.

I’ve sent a gaggle of messages since, and all I can think is: please let me in. I want nothing more than for him to admit the elephant in the room, and acknowledge our connection. I know he wants to know how to proceed and what to do, but I don’t think it;s that easy. I think htis is one situation where we won’t know the details until we proceed. I feel like its a one step at a time situation. In this situation the first step I feel is that he needs to admit he is still in KC and meet me. That’s all. Once that happens, one or both of us will figure out the next step. I dont’ have all the answers, but I know that he will be a wonderful part of my future. I look forward to that.

Nathan does too. Hes read our conversations, hes headr my feelings, my anxieties, my thoughts. Hes analyzed all of my synchrnistic divine messages and intrepretations, and he thinks I’m onto something. He says hes even tried to send prayers and energy to this man to help. It all makes me loce my husbadn even more. I couldnt’ ask for a more supportive person in my life. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to even be able to find love in multiplicity, and now I feel like I am on the brink of just that. The feeling of loving 2 poeple is so wonderful. The anticipation is immense. If even half of the images I’ve been shown come to pass, I’ll be on cloud 9.

I feel very deeply, always have, and with NAthan our years together have had chalenges for certain, but I would’nt have had it any other way. Our love has withstood the tests of time and we are still strong in our foundation. Would I cahnge things about our exeriences, or about our helath, Yes, most definitely, but I am ever so grateful that I have had Nathans support in all of my adult life.

Now, I feel that I could have that twice over and it makes my heart expand with joy and gratitude. I want to love this man and support hin in what ever he chooses, be there for him enotionaly. HE just has to let me.

And that is where the runmination and “hamster-wheeling” ┬ácatches me up and makes me second guess my intuition. I start thinking that every time he backs away he’s done. That he’s not coming back and that he has ignored everything ad moved on. Those thoughts make me sad and definitely create a negative snowball that overrides my knowing from divine synchronisity. MY human ego based brain for whatever reason wants to override my inner knowing and tell me the worst story ever. It becomes very hard in those moments to believe and trust myself and what I’ve seen and felt.

My therapist is aware of all of these things and I’ve told him about my relationship situation and this man. IT’s on the long list of things I want to gain control of, and so begins the anti-rumination work. Essentially we’ve started with a worksheet that helops to catch the rumination in process and stop the thoughts. So far I’ve used the worksheet’s process twice. Both times it helped to stop the snowball effect. Youd be amazed though how hard it is to catch yourself in automatic thought. Its hard to even catch myself several minuets into ruminating. But I’m committed, I want to be done with depresion, so if changing my diet, changing sllep habbits, chaging exerciese habbits, and doing these thought process homework assignments will solve it, then great- I’ll do all of that and so much mroe. I’m ready for positive things in my life, for my brain to heal, and to overcome all of my challenges- and hopefully that will include the love of another person in my life.


 

So there you have it. That is basically what my dyslexia looks like when I haven’t edited and proof-read something several times over. It’s not a 100% because I did still find myself using the backspace key occasionally (it’s really hard for me not to after years of correcting myself), so there are a few errors that I automatically corrected, but I think this is as close as you’ll get to seeing my true dyslexia. It’s a combination of mis-spelled, mis-typed (because my fingers get ahead of themselves), using improper tenses, and reversing or duplicating letters. I also tend to drop, or use too many punctuation marks. All of these things are what I look for when I am reviewing anything I’ve typed. Usually after 3 or 4 proof-reads I have found most if not all of my errors, and I can consider my typing complete. I hope this helps give perspective on what it’s like to have mild dyslexia.