Tag Archives: understanding

I feel icky.

Nathan and I joined my mom, my brother and his wife and spent the day packing up my father to move him to my sister’s in Arizona.

My parents divorced 7 years ago because my dad’s retirement was torture for my mom. She didn’t have to help, but was there for me. I am very appreciative.

Several hours later I feel icky in our ride back to Kansas City.

His trailer is full of mold. There were dozens of icky things, including canned goods so old they were bulging and leaking. Dirty dishes that has sat in the sink for the past month were rancid. Boiled eggs left in the fridge were so old they were growing mold, that puts them probably about 2 months old.

We pitched every food item because most were well past expiration dates, and even unopened items were not worth keeping. Everything had a thick layer of dusty grease making it feel icky to the touch.

My father didn’t just have duplicates of things, no most items came by the dozen. I thinned a lot of things, but everything else I just packed because my sister had said she didn’t want us to thin at all. She had no idea.

The icing on the cake was discovering dad’s girl clothes, at which point my mom confessed that he was a bit of a cross dresser. She explained the ladies panties were probably his and that he had a penchant for those and silk, especially stockings. He never wore exterior cloths intended for women. No just undies.

I was less shocked or grossed out, and more angry. Again because dad has spent my whole life picking at other people’s appearance and treating women like objects. I can’t count the millions of times he picked at men with long hair or butch women. To find out he didn’t stick to his own genders’ box, is insulating to everyone he ever gave grief over appearance and clothing choices, which includes us kids and my mom.

Nathan found his condoms, and fortunately his porn stash has either been destroyed or was buried too deep for us to get to it today. I was not upset over missing those boxes, knowing both I and my brother have handled them on previous moves.

Where I feel icky is not just because of the dirty objects we handled. No it was more because I was helping such a hateful, abusive hypocrite.

To my father’s friends he’s such a good ol’ boy. He goes to church and masquerades as a good Christian. They don’t know the addictions and porn and cross dressing. They don’t know about his extramarital affairs or the racism. I know these things and his hypocrisy, and yet I am still helping him.

All the decades of damage he did to everyone in our family with abusive behavior, and I’m helping him. I’d rather see him check out and learn the ultimate lesson.

I’m glad this was my last icky endeavor on his behalf. Another week and I will no longer be responsible for him.

I am not perfect. I have lived an open marriage. I have experienced more than a few taboo things and the world of porn. I have a wicked temper, and I’m not proud of moments where my temper won. I too struggle with addictions.

Where I am different from my father is that I aim for polyamory, a committed consentual plural marriage. I aim for conquering my addictions. I aim to tame my temper and I constantly strive to master my emotions and control my mental function. And I do my level best to always accept others on their journey, and refuse to join in mockery involving appearance. People deserve to be accepted regardless of gender identification, sexual preferences, or any other qualification. You will never hear me pass myself as better than anyone or more virtuous, in fact I gave myself a tattoo to remind me to try and do better. I only rant on others when they disrespect me or hurt in me some way, I respect myself enough to refuse to tolerate that. I strive to do better in whatever that means at the time. So no I’m not perfect, but I’m not my abusive hypocritical disgusting father either.

Perspective is helpful, but sometimes the journey there is just gross.

At this point we won’t get home until midnight or after, and despite really wanting a shower, I suspect I’ll fall over and have to wait until morning to feel clean again.

May you have good experiences with loving parents. May you understand difficult stations. May you have understanding and compassion even when someone hasn’t earned it. May you know eventually everything becomes clear. May you know why you experience the difficult things. May you see positive perspective in less icky ways. May you generally have clean experiences on multiple levels. May you enjoy life more than not. May you fully understand how everything provides clarity for your own life and your own progress.

Siva Hir Su

Tao of Watts

One of the great American philosophers, Alan Watts will make you think deeply. He pulls from all major religions, but has a leaning towards eastern philosophy such as Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. This latest video notification to gain my attention seems to fit so well with everything going on in my worldview at this moment. May you have deep feel good moments of clarity. Siva Hir Su

Watch “You Can’t Do Nothing – Alan Watts” on YouTube

My Inner Being View

I listened to some Abraham videos while at work today and it stirred a list of how my inner being sees things. I wanted to share in case it helps you. It might also help to read recent posts to have a bit better understanding of how these relate to reaching for better.

Dad:

  • My dad is a perfect example for me to reach for how I want to be.
  • My dad has been very helpful in finding my best me.
  • My dad is showing me how to really LIVE.
  • Dad is about to chatch up with his higher self in a big way and him and I will both have a much greater understanding. We will both understand more fully and completely when he reconnects with his higher self in totality.
  • He is helping me learn unconditional love, unconditional kindness, and unconditional compassion in a big way. I may have needed the release of yelling at him, but I’m learning that it was more for me than to make any difference in his state of being alive. I can not change him, and I respect myself enough to keep reaching for better.
  • My dad has helped me to be certain of who I am and what my connection to God is.
  • He has made certain that I reclaimed my power.
  • I now know how to stand up for myself completely.
  • I now know how to stand strong and refuse to budge. Not because of unwillingness to change, but because I know what I want and what is in my vortex. I now know how to only change for the better and make certain my choices are respected.
  • I am more certain than ever of my worthiness because I know how bad being ignored and disrespected makes me feel.

Me:

  • I have healed greatly.
  • My body is working better than ever because of God’s healing and guidance.
  • All of my organs are healing and beginning to function closer to optimum conditions.
  • My immune system is working just as God intended for me and it is keeping me very healthy when I act as God intended. It needs no external input.
  • My body is now beginning to produce hormones at optimum levels to encourage further healing and help everything in my body function at it’s best.
  • “I am pure positive energy that must move forward.” – Abraham
  • I am heard and understood by God and by Nathan and others.
  • I am respected and honored by many.
  • My Thyroid is healing and gives me abundant energy, it is helping me burn fat and heal my whole body.
  • I am a beautiful person.
  • I am more flexible than ever.
  • I am stronger than ever.
  • I am healthier than ever.
  • I slimer than ever.
  • My skin gets more beautiful and toned everyday.
  • I am healthy, whole, and complete.
  • I am mostly resistance free.
  • I am positive and I mostly feel good.
  • I am calm and my body is being soothed by God’s healing energy.
  • I am perfect just the way I am. Perfectly imperfect, but always reaching for better. Always reaching for true living.
  • I am most definitely connected to my inner being.
  • I’m feeling better and better and that is manifesting in my experience.

May you have wonderful moments of clarity. May you see things the way your inner being does and know it is helping you to manifest greater in your life. May you know you are doing better ever day you wake up. May you know it is not your time and that God loves you. May you feel that love open your heart in amazing ways. May you learn and practice unconditional.

Siva Hir Su