Tag Archives: understanding

Angry at whom?

While at the wedding, I sent an angry message, which I can’t forget. To be honest it was drunk texting.

I’m torn between letting it drop knowing I won’t get a response anyway, and simply apologizing.

Essentially, I am angry over lies and ghosting and getting hurt- at least on the surface.

In my message which I’ve now reread a dozen times hoping I would see a response, I saw my errors. I saw my assumptions. I saw where my mind has filled in blanks grasping at thin air for understanding.

In reality, I’m mad at myself.

I’m angry because:

  • I let myself be attached.
  • I let myself get hurt.
  • I can’t let go and move on, despite desperately trying to do so.
  • I perceive that the other-side/God keeps reminding me of all of it.
  • I don’t understand why the other-side/divine keeps reminding me, since that’s never happened before; or why I can’t let go and move on, knowing I’ve been able to with others.
  • I put hopes for myself in another.
  • I did make assumptions and fill in blanks that were not mine to fill in. I let feelings and sensations stir my imagination.
  • I made an assumption that because I felt a person’s energy in a certain way, that they must have been special or different. That the intensity and way in which I experienced things must have somehow dictated more importance for me because of the way I feel others on a regular basis.
  • I allowed a connection to interfere with my worldview.
  • I loved an idea so much that I’ve held myself apart from it by focusing on it’s absence.
  • I’m disappointed in myself for being hung up, stuck in a mental loop, unable to let go enough to fully restart.
  • That I’ve allowed this experience to shadow my current reality and I’ve begun to distrust everything that even slightly seems similar.
  • I question my now, myself, and my experiences, because that one instance fell flat.

Now, as I’ve told Nathan many times, once I acknowledge the problem, I can do something, anything to fix it. I make an attempt for improvement. I make an attempt to rewire my brain or reach for better.

So in this instance reaching for better would be:

  • I want to detach- let go and move on.
  • I want to see my growth and healing.
  • I want to see how this experience helped me to be a better person.
  • I want reminders in my experience to cease.
  • I want understanding and clarity.
  • I want the truth, an answer, an explanation.
  • I want to know why I felt everything that I did, and why I felt them the way I did.
  • I want to know what my dreams were and what they meant. I keep cycling back to my dreams: when they are that vivid, they always have an element of truth that will eventually be clear. I’m ready for that clarity.
  • I want to see my hopes fulfilled. I want to see and feel evidence of my desires in me and around me. I want to feel God’s support.
  • I want the blanks filled in, the truth as it pertains to me. Why is the divine continually reminding me of them?
  • I want to allow things in. I want to accept the process.
  • I want to restart.
  • I want to know for certain that I’m discerning something unique in my life.
  • I want to eliminate doubts.
  • I want certainty.
  • I want to be confident in myself.
  • I want to delight myself.
  • I want to regain a solid world view and find confidence and trust in moving forward into new situations.
  • I want to trust myself again, and have knowing that I am feeling things accurately. I want to have more evidence that I’m accurate in discerning other’s energy and how it relates to me (bodywork vs significant resource vs significant other).
  • I want to feel protected and that it is safe to love.
  • I want to dispel fears and find confidence in attracting someone to love again, in addition to my Nathan.
  • I want that someone to choose me… as in they could do anything they want, have other options available, but choose me because they connect with me on an intense level…. and they are open and honest about it even if that seems daunting, a challenge. (That doesn’t mean they have to give up other options, just that they choose me, also, as well, in addition to, or because they didn’t connect as well with the other options.)

That’s a good start. From here now I look for evidence of the answer, and keep an open mind and watch for synchronicity. My solution will come eventually.

May you all have refocusing moments. May you all have redefining clarity. May you all find your way to improvement. And finally, may you find your solutions and path forward.

Siva Hir Su

Corn-ey with messages?

Last night I accidentally ate some corn, now today I’m hurting a bit, but the weird stuff continues.

Nathan wanted Indian food, and picked Goddavari which is South Indian. I love Indian food, but most of it has all my allergens, so I went in prepared having taken an extra dose of benadryl.

My favorite dish is Saag/Palak Paneer so I ordered that. Of course, I stupidly made a comment about not understanding why paneer is always paneer in all the dialects, but the blend of greens changes from Saag to Palak. Moments later I thought of our own ridiculous regionalities like Soda vs Coke vs Pepsi, all essentially being used to convey a carbonated beverage. It made me sigh.

Anyway, Nathan chose Navartan Kurma based on the description not having whole peppers of any kind (that would reduce likelyhood of an asthma response for me).

Our food arrived and as usual we did the sharing of both. As I was eating the Kurma I saw corn. At that point it was too late, so I relagated to enjoying my meal and asked God to help it be gentle on me. Literally my words were “Shiva you come from a land of fire and I need no help with fire”. That made me laugh, and after a moment I said “Thank you for the laugh, but seriously help this be easy on me, and I’ll take more allergy medicine as soon as I can. ”

Considering how much exposure to allergens I had, and knowing there was corn involved, I’m grateful that I’m only a little achey today. I have fared far worse in the past. I have a slightly lighter day, so with anti-inflamatories and lots of fluids I’ll make it through just fine.

……………

So then imagine if you will, me standing naked (maybe don’t imagine that part ūüėÖ ) in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Just then a giant spider literally dropped down beside me on our over the toilet shelves.

It looked like this one:

Yuck! And it was huge, the size of a shooter-marble. Double yuck.

I backed away, toothbrush still in my mouth, I called for Nathan to come kill it. He started laughing at me. He told me that I’m such a strong warrior, right up until a spider gets too close and I turn into a shaking little girl. I punched him in the arm, right after he squashed and flushed the spider. I told him you might be right, but that doesn’t mean you have to mock me.

He said ” By the way, that spider was for you, I’m not the one that has spiders in dreams or anywhere for that matter.” I punched him again. But he’s right, it very much was for me.

The dreams and messages have continued.

Last night’s dream: Nathan got over zealous about a run-down house in searching for someplace to buy. In the dream he literally started cleaning when the real estate agent went to check on the home’s status. When the agent came back she said it had already closed for the cost of the outstanding taxes. Nathan was annoyed, but I ranted at him about the feasability of it in the first place.

I knew that dream was not just about a warning of being overzealous, it was also about how sometimes Nathan and I interact out of habits. We’re literally re-attracting repeat situations because of our inability to believe the other has improved and changed and grown. It made me pause, but I found myself getting riled telling him of the dream. I wanted him to do or say something that would prove he hears me and acknowledges we need to do things differently. We need a reset and I’m not sure how to accomplish that.

Anyway, just before waking this morning I heard a child say “will you keep me safe”. Initially I thought” I’ll keep you as safe as I can and let God do the rest”. Later, I reworded that to “I’ll teach you to let God keep you safe”.

Ultimately, I feel like that might be the spirit of my next child, and this is a redefining moment. This is a be careful what you ask and what you promise type situation.

I know as a parent that despite my best efforts my children will experience hurts. I also know that God heals hurts and can keep us safe from the worst if we allow that connection to guide us. I’ve been doing my best of late to try and teach Ian and Katharine that. It’s very difficult to slow a child down and get them to find their inner guidance, at least it is with my children. Yet, it’s not impossible.

It is my goal that my current children and any others I may have learn to maintain their connection better than I did. Of course, the hardest part in that is relinquishing control when their inner guidance dictates they do something differently than I would. My children are my most difficult mirrors, pushing my paradigm, making me uncomfortable over the simplest of things. I know this, but somehow that knowing doesn’t make the process any easier. I find I often have to step back and just breathe.

May you all find God’s helpful grace in your times of errors. May you all find your inner being and find a way to teach your children to find theirs. May your mirrors come with patience and understanding so you learn your own lessons gently. And may you find your strength even when faced with the thing that makes you feel like a trembling child.

Be well and blessed.

So mote it be. Siva Hir Su.

Processing…

Like Windows 3.1

First, because I can:

MC Yogi’s “Be The Change” The song is available on most streaming services, and I bought it through GooglePlay Music for .99. I highly recommend it.

Secondly:

Mumford and Sons with Baaba Maal “There Will Be Time” and “Si Tu Veux”

These are also available through most streaming services especially for purchase via GooglePlay Music.

I start with these songs, because this week in particular they are resonating with me very, very strongly. They always have, as least as long as I have known of them, but it seems that it has intensified this week. As have many things.

Last week my attention was brought to a book I am familiar with from my childhood. “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L. Engle. First I heard discussion of it among others in talking about the movie being on Netflix. Then I had mentioned it to my teenager, as an if you haven’t already you should read it. Then one of my elderly clients was rambling and interjected it without any clarification. It stuck out as though it didn’t pertain to anything else she was saying. As soon as I acknowledged that it had to be a message, my husband texted that he had seen a flyer for a local theatre group doing it as a play.

My response: FINE! I’ll re-read the book.

I did, and it took me about 6 hours over 4 days.

I was assaulted over and over with how many things in my existence seem to be from that book. I am always searching for my “Happy Medium”. I feel like the main character Meg quite often. I have many moments in my life where strange things occur that I should be saying “that’s weird” but seem to feel like it’s normal for me. I often find myself wishing for someone or something like Meg’s mother stating “Just because we don’t understand it with our human minds doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.”

Even things like numbers that appeared in the book repeating in my daily life, and the one character speaking in other’s languages seems to have carried into my understanding of my languages.

Above and beyond it all, is my search, my quest to destroy IT.

IT has manifested as depression and anger/rage in my life. I know I need to kill IT with LOVE, but it seems like that is a far more repetitive process than the book implied. One that I find myself still questing after to this day, albeit less intensely than when that journey started.

I read the book when I was very young. Much younger than the audience it is intended for. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I read it, and it was one of many books, having also plowed through the entire CS Lewis “Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe” series. Yet this book seems to have stuck on a very deep level. It was so intense re-reading the book so many years later, that at several points I found myself stopping to wipe tears away.

There were a few moments while reading that I could literally hear someone commenting on what I was reading that it meant more for me than the words on the page. I literally heard that this was my key, that what I needed was in that book. That it meant mountains to me, and that I had very special gifts. There was a reason I am good at multiple things including math, science, and language and have an innate ability to provide healing to others. My unique set of talents were very important to the universe. I just need to figure out how.

The line I am still repeating to myself: “Everyone has talents, it is how you use them that matters.”

Now I am processing. And Processing. And Processing.

Very slowly.

Fortunately in a couple of days I’ll have plenty of time for processing.

So far at the moment, I feel the link between that and other positive triggers in my life such as “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein and the afore mentioned CS Lewis series. Even somehow there is a link to my resonance with “Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry” and “Siddhartha”. I’m just having a devil of a time knowing what I am grasping at. Much like Meg when the sisters explained Tessering to her. I think I got it just for a moment, but not enough to explain it properly to another. Sadly after having re-read the book I think I understand the concept of Tessering better than what I am grasping at for myself.

So much so, that I began to wonder, is that a real possibility. I’ve had numerous conversations with people about how Heinlein was a genius that wrote of things that we are now working on making real. What if Ms. Engle had somehow tapped into a thought wave that was based in possibilities. She was writing a kids book, but now we are researching the real possibility of teleportation. What if Tesseract or Tessering is a real possibility that no one has put dollars into researching, and if so the ramifications of the book give a pretty clear warning of what could possibly go wrong in such experimentation. It also instills hope that once accomplished and perfected it would literally unleash a universe of possibilities. So, though scary, it brings hope in its wake.

It also makes me think of discussions I’ve had with people exploring the possibility of Quantum jumping. That by focused thought alone we could jump to an alternate timeline, and alternate reality of your own spirit. The theory leads to the possibility of leaps in improvement. I have often thought of those concepts as: it sounds too good to be true; but is it?

Are we limiting ourselves by disbelief because we simply don’t understand the how of its possibility. Can one find belief without understanding? That is a rhetorical question, mainly for myself. I struggle with faith when I allow myself to believe in the unknown. Often flip flopping like a fish on the deck of a boat, hoping to flop myself back into the comfort of the water of knowing.

What if it really is as simple as convincing yourself of your belief and then adding LOVE?

It seems too easy, but that as my wonderful husband pointed out, is because I have been well convinced by my parents and society that it has to be hard. I have been well trained that working hard is the best and only way, and boy have I mastered that one to get pittance of results in the means that were promised (finances, success, power).

Perhaps the thread I am working at pulling on means simply to let go and let things be simple. Let my beliefs build and give them faith and LOVE. Trust myself and the divine. Perhaps I will be the one to allow myself to Tesser, and when science comes and rescues my arse, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do!

Until that day, I’ll start with some more practical beliefs, and perhaps just allow that maybe, just maybe Tessering or Quantum Jumping is a real possibility that I may or may not figure out.

May you all find your moments of knowing regardless of understanding, find the path where your particular set of talents serve the divine in their highest good, and find the faith to trust the divine process. Above all, may you find your LOVE for yourself and everything else, including your beliefs.

As Above, So Below. So Mote it Be. Siva Hir Su.

Bhagavad Gita meets Abraham

So, if you’ve read my blog, you may be aware I’ve come in contact with many things that most Midwestern American young white women would have no clue of their existence.

Partly this was due to my own inner knowing early on, that my parents religious path left much to be desired for me personally. Also it was partly due to a very unique set of individuals I met growing up.

In middle school I had friends of several different Christian faiths that allowed me to visit their churches. What I discovered was that I didn’t really mesh with any of the churches completely.

By highschool, I had read books on Zen Buddhism, Taoism, other eastern paths, and had learned quite a bit about my ancient ancestors which were most likely druids.

I had one friend that moved into the same small school I did, within months of my moving in. That friend introduced me to Wicca and reading her books, I knew it was headed the right direction. Another friend lived there her whole life, but her parents’ home was the regional Buddhist temple and I was fortunate to meet the Lama on one of his visits to Iowa. It was a very special afternoon, one I still remember vividly because I felt very clearly when something said resonated and when it didn’t.

Then by sophomore year I’d read “Siddhartha” and “Iliad and Oddessy” as part of my academic endeavors. I&O for a lit class and Siddhartha for academic decathlon. Both instructors guiding the readings commented that I seemed to get much more out of either story than most ‘kids my age’. They were right, much of both stories resonated deeply, but there were still gaps in what I was searching for.

We lived near Maharishi University, and many people in the Iowa city area followed their teachings, so my next stop was to see what I might glean from their teachings. I discovered meditation and had learned basics of many Hindu concepts. That seemed to fill many of the gaps I felt. In an effort to know more, I read more. That was my first reading of the Bhagavad Gita.

I’ve begun rereading the BG because it didn’t stick as well back then. However, in reading it for a second time, I’m now almost tempted to reread the others (time being the only hindrance).

What I’m discovering is that language barriers in translations probably hindered my understanding somewhat in the first reading. This time I’m understanding much more of what is being said and I’m amazed at how much of it overlaps with Abraham Hicks teachings. It makes me wonder if the same thing happened with “Siddhartha” and “Iliad & Oddessy” in particular.

I know both books’ translations were well respected versions, and I remember clearly some scenes being so enthralling for me that it was as if my brain turned them into movies .

For instance in “Siddhartha” there is an excerpt where the main character meditates by a stream and sees all the faces of his life experience, in the stream. It led him to the understanding of how we are all part of one greater energy stream. When I read that part of the story, it was as if I was sitting by the stream having that experience. It was vivid and real, and I fully and completely understood exactly what was being conveyed.

I was roughly 14 when I read that.

I was only a year or so older the first time I picked up the Bhagavad Gita. So if my new reading is so eye opening, with this text, I can’t imagine the response I’d have with another pass on Siddhartha.

For instance:

In the BG’s 4th chapter/book titled “The Way of Renunciation of Action in Knowledge” the 18th verse/line reads: “He who sees inaction in action, and action in inaction is intelligent among men, he is a yogi and a doer of all action.”

To me I hear a direct echo of Abraham talking about how uninspired physical action is useless and unproductive, but if one meditates and finds inspiration in meditation, then any action based upon that inspiration is bound to be successful. Abraham has said it many ways, but regardless of the words the meaning is the same. Inactive meditation followed by inspired action is the best and most effective, wisest use of our lives.

Who knew that there was so much overlap?!

Abraham probably did!

Heck somewhere in my mind it had to have registered. Yet, another thing Abraham is right about. If you’re not ready to receive the information, then no amount of exposure will line you up with it.

Just because I read the text years ago didn’t mean it registered, that’s why I even acknowledged a reread couldn’t hurt. I knew I’d missed things, and it just didn’t stick over time.

Now that I’ve heard the information from a western perspective, and accepted it’s applications in my life, it’s starting to sink in. That has led to seeing the missed variations that I’d already read years before.

For me this is merely validation that I’m on the right track. I’d already read it years ago, but over time I’ve been exposed to variations from throughout history, and it’s finally making sense. I’m finally understanding and seeing it working, and rereading one of the early examples causing a ‘seeing it for what it is’ realization.

It’s like hiking a path to the top of a crest and looking down the crest one way, and looking back down the path and connecting just how far you’ve come.

It feels good.

I think I’ll finish the Bhagavad Gita just to solidify for myself that I’ve gotten what I can out of it.

May you all have your AhHa moments this week and have that sense of accomplishment. It is good to feel that sense of ‘coming so far’ to know where you’ve been.

 Honesty, vulnerability, and regret- a vibrational challenge. 

We are  taught to be open and honest.  We are taught that being authentic and ourselves is a virtue.  We are taught to be true to ourselves in whatever decisions and choices we make in life. That which honors ourselves while still meeting the necesities of life is supposed to be ideal.

So, why then does it hurt when things don’t go as one would have hoped or thought? 

I’m contemplating that today as I work.

I was open and honest.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I expressed as much of myself as I thought safe, based on the feeling place of those actions.

Yet, now I feel regret.

I felt I was too vulnerable,  too honest,  too open.  Someone has an understanding of me that I can’t take back. 

I wish I had that same understanding and awareness, because of the emotions I feel.

Yet, I can’t force that.  I have no control over that,  and I knew that from the start.

So, why if I knew all of that going in, why do I feel regret now? I don’t have an answer,  I just know that’s seeming to be the root of my vibrational resistance at the moment- regret over being open, honestly myself. 

At least I know the what now. Eventually I may understand the why and be able to release it. Here’s to hope and figuring this one out!

——

Update (later pm same day):

It has occurred to me that this blog I write is just as much about me being me. I write what’s on my mind, I am open & honest about fears,  concerns,  woes,  challenges,  and EVERYTHING that I do to attempt to overcome them.  I’m telling my story, all of it, or at least as much as I have time and brain space for. 

I don’t regret that. And I know full well that being as open and honest and vulnerable with strangers could be just as risky. 

So, again why do I feel regret with the one person? 

I’m beginning to think it was my expectation of exchange.

 In a give-take exchange,  you expect both/all sides to give equally of themselves.  I expected that, and ended up giving all of myself, but feeling like I got minimal in return. My expectations were short-changed. 

I’m not certain that’s the whole reason for my regrets, but it’s headed the right direction.  I’ll unravel this yet. 

———

Update (next morning):

My YouTube feed gave me this video in response to my quandary yesterday.  It’s amazing how they always fit. 

It makes sense to me now. 

I feel regret because I had a very conditional expectation for one human because of societal standards. 

Not only should I not care about societal standards,  I should also not hold one person to them because he is a unique individual raised in a very different culture than I was. 

Bonus,  being focused on one specific individual fulfilling my conditional desire keeps me out of vibrational alignment – that’s one of the arguments for polyamory anyway: one person would never be able to meet all of another’s wants,  needs, desires,  and especially expectations.

So all of that out of alignment led to the feeling of regret… cut that out chica (to myself).

…..

Unconditional flip-side:

I like having a give-take exchange with people.  It makes me feel good to have positive balanced interactions where I feel like someone cares about me as much as I do them. I like knowing that when I’m open and honest about myself, I receive validation that other people see that.  I like knowing that there are many individuals in my life that enjoy sharing themselves with me in a wide variety of manners. I like knowing that the universe not only supports these things,  but supports me in all ways.  I like knowing that I am loved by the universe and it is merely reflected by the love demonstrated by family and friends. I like knowing that I am a beautiful creative human being,  that God wants for me only the best,  and this illusion I’m in is intended to reflect that. I like knowing that my uniqueness is what makes me so special and that God/the universe is working diligently on my behalf to send  people into my life to honor my uniqueness. That person was merely one of many in my lifetime,  and they may come and go as manifestations,  but they are simply the reflection of that greater unconditional acceptance and celebration of my unique beauty. 

Now that rampage of appreciation feels much better. I’ll use that as a starting point every time I catch myself feeling that regret.  Practice makes perfect,  and negatives don’t disappear overnight/instantly. 

ReBirthing

Normally re-birthing is a process that happens over a few hours in a therapists office. It’s a very specific process that is intended to uncover and work through issues that center around birth and very early childhood, and the resulting body-memory/energy/emotional-set-point ¬†that a person could potentially carry indefinitely.

For me, I have essentially experienced this as a gradual unwrapping over approximately the last 2 weeks (a bit more perhaps). It as happened in little snippets of those intuitive flashes I reference so often. For me the flashes happen as images, short clips like YouTube videos or memories, and sometimes feelings, sounds, and even muscle memory. Anyway, I’m going to relay my unfolding to the best of my ability, and what it has helped me figure out, so that others might be able to glean similar progress.

——-

The Facts I know of my birth from parental stories:

-I was delivered by Cesarean (c-section). My mom was lightly sedated, so upon delivery my father was the first to hold me. Story goes I immediately peed on him and the nurses has to change his gown.

-My mom had blood sugar issues, but no treatment. It was a time when gestational diabetes was still a new-ish diagnosis and diet suggestions were made but not even strictly enforced, no medications were used because they were not widely accepted as safe during pregnancy.

-The doctor was a short man (my dad thought that was hilarious and has joked about it repeatedly over my life) that needed a step stool for delivery. His name Dr. Gupta, he was from India.

-At birth I was Jaundice and spent a few days in critical care nursery. My level of jaundice was so intense my skin looked orange and my dad nicknamed me pumpkin. I also didn’t want to eat for several days, but was tickled into nursing/bottle feedings to keep me hydrated. It necessitated at least an hour of direct sunlight (4 hours suggested) daily to help bring the jaundice down. It took about 2 weeks for my skin to return to relative normal color.

-At the time my mom was the only significant income in the family, so she only had 2 weeks off  (whatever the minimum was for the incision to heal) and went back to work.

———-

Facts about me in general:

-I require regular sunlight or I get depressed.

-I have been told I’m borderline diabetic and was considered Gestational Diabetic during my son’s pregnancy/birth. I controlled the pregnancy and my current state with Diet, Exercise, and certain Supplements.

-When I am very depressed or in a moment of severe negative emotions, my inclination is always to rock myself. I literally sit in a quiet space and close my eyes and rock my body back and forth like in a rocking chair. It is nearly always the only thing that helps when I’m at my worst.

-I don’t believe that I have actual conscious brain memory of my birth, but there is possibility of subconscious memories or body/muscle memory.

——

The intuitive flashes I’ve “received”, which may or may not be 100% accurate, please know that these all happened in meditative space, I have not consumed any mind altering drugs:

-I had a visual clip of the doctor rocking and rocking my bassinet in the nursery and humming/singing quietly to me.

-I had a similar clip of my dad’s early interactions, lots of bouncing, holding me and touching me with furrowed brows and very stiff movements. Another clip of the moment after I peed on him, being held in mid air (almost like Simba from Lion King) while nurses wiped my dad off and put a new gown or blanket over him.

-I had a moment where I felt the sensations of the rocking in the nursery, the lights seemed too bright so I closed my eyes, I felt very scared and wanted to cry, and then the rocking started and the humming/soft singing started shortly after.

-I had a moment where I felt very scared because I didn’t know where mom went. Dad was there but I really felt like “I want mom”, again making me feel like crying.

-I had a visual of my mom in the rocking chair by the window (at home), rocking me and singing.


My current interpretation based on all of those elements put together:

Mom was all I knew before birth. I perceived her as being my protector. Yet, she was unable to protect me from sugar, and I got far too much sugar while in-vitro. She did her best, and especially after birth, once I was home, she really worked hard to try and make up for it, rocking and rocking me, singing to me, like the doctor had done.

My dad loved me, but being a man from his generation, didn’t really understand how to interact lovingly with a newborn. Men were simply not taught how to do that. He was doing his best, but I as an infant without words could tell he was just different from mom, and I wanted the feeling place of mom, really I wanted the feeling place of what the doctor started.

As an adult I’ve learned a lot about alternatives. I perceive the doctor, even though he functioned through western medicine, probably had beliefs regarding spirit and it’s ability to heal because of his upbringing. I think that immediately he saw a beautiful baby girl, that was very special (I’m certain that my skin tone evoked memories of certain rituals in India) and that he knew I needed a little extra TLC. I think he was so touched by my appearance that he simply wanted to help me heal. He would have gone to his upbringing and did what would have been done in India. Attempting to connect me with my inner self, my spirit, to heal my body. So, he didn’t hold me directly, knowing that babies can get attached to those first few people in their lives. He rocked my cradle and sang to me, helping to calm me and soothe me so that my body could heal.

Now he probably thought that not actually holding me for any length of time exempted him from me getting attached. Unfortunately my new understanding is that I did anyway. For the first few days of my life, he was the only significant interaction outside of my mother at nursing time. Holding me or not, his interactions helped to soothe me and did help to heal me, so I attached anyway. His presence was a God send in an otherwise harsh sterile environment, and I now have no doubt that it was a major influence in decisions that I have come to over time. I simply didn’t know that I was making decisions based upon that interaction.

What do I mean?

I went searching for that feeling place early on in life. I was in 4th grade the first time I tried someone else’s church: a Pentecostal church (prior to that we’d gone solely to dad’s Mormon church). The Pentecostal church was fun, but didn’t give me that feeling. By the end of middle-school I’d been to the Quakers, Lutherans, Methodists, and Catholics. By high-school I’d read the Bible (blaech-boring and so damn convoluted with contradictions), Sidhartha, most of the Tao de Ching, and had looked up tons information on Confucianism and Zen Buddhism. I was a junior in high-school the day that my friend Erin invited me to her home, which doubled as the Buddhist temple, to speak with Lama Renpoche. It was a very expansive experience, being 2 hours of 5 high-schoolers speaking with an esteemed Buddhist leader. It answered some of my questions, but not all of them. It was about that time that I started learning about Paganism and Hinduism. Between the knowledge of the 3 paths, I found mine. I called myself pagan, because no other label really fits, no one box label is truly accurate, because honestly I just blend what works for me. Adding hindsight about the birth, explains why I resonate with mantras, it’s likely that that is what the doctor was singing to me. Regardless the feeling place of being rocked in the cradle with the mantras being sung is evoked when I meditate, and I would not have found meditation if not for learning about Buddhism and Hinduism. So the attachment to that doctor guided me to find the knowing.

Fast forward, and my birth again guided me when I went to have Ian. I knew that I wanted my child to have an amazing birth. A loving birth. Essentially, I wanted my child to have the experience that I was denied, I wanted the opposite of my birth. I went to great lengths to ensure a home water birth while having “Gestational Diabetes”. I stuck to it because I was deciding for someone that had no say. And I did.

Ian’s birth was nearly perfect. 12.5 hours of labor, as gentle as could be. Soothing warm water surrounded me for three quarters of it. Ian was born in occiput posterior (OP) position (really most of labor was that way), but my midwife was unfazed by the positioning and so I was fine too. I knew I was in capable hands and that helped the birth experience go great. Ian was born, and with the exception of a very brief removal of the cord from his neck, I was the first person to hold, to touch my child in those soothing warm waters. Dad (Nathan) reached forward around me and held his tiny hand. It was a very soothing wonderful experience. Even when we finally got out of the birth tub, it was 10 steps to bed and cuddle time for essentially 24 hours straight. Blissful.

I have said and will continue to say that Ian’s birth went as perfectly as any mom could expect, and I know that a major part of that was my willingness to do whatever that took with diet, exercise, and mindfulness.

The only thing that I would have changed was how much time I took off of work afterward. I too was the sole income for our little family (perhaps another remnant of my birth re-manifesting), so I only got 3 weeks off and even during that 3 weeks I did work a little. I sincerely hope that Ian can forgive me for that when he gets older. We minimized my working as much as possible, but when you are the only source of money, it’s unavoidable to return to work sooner than you’d like.

My birth experiences as a baby led to greater effort on my part and decisions that produced entirely the opposite experience for my child. I am ever so grateful for that. I can not fully put into words the relief I felt when I realized that. It was a very healing realization.

That being said, I love myself even more. I appreciate that I was able to undo a well accepted and well established “necessity” to provide my child a loving birth. I appreciate that the energy of the birth experience far outweighed my desire to take the easy route with medicine and a hospital birth. I appreciate that my efforts will likely turn into better manifestations for my son later in his life, and hopefully a better understanding of my love for him.

—–

The only thing that remains from my rebirthing is this cycle of Indian men ‘loving and leaving’. I can see the pattern now. I can see that I keep inviting them into my life when I need help the most, my darkest hours. And like the doctor at my birth they duck out when the worst of the storm is over. It’s really more of a quiet unnoticed exit, as in you can’t see me, so now is my chance. This latest man is the 3rd such repeat of this cycle: one when I was a child in school, and the other -Rajesh- as an adult.

At this point, now that I see the pattern, I find myself reiterating that I would like for one of them to stay. I would like for one of them to love me enough to be a permanent part of my life. As much as I appreciate the healing they provided, I want to wipe the idea of detached from their slate. And perhaps it’s because I can see that even though they tried to remain detached, there is really no such thing. If I have these memories, I have these feelings, I have these associations, then there is an attachment- for better or worse.

You don’t remember things that you don’t care about. Do you remember what color your shoelaces were on a pair of shoes from 3rd grade? Do you remember what you ate for lunch the 3rd Monday of 4th grade? Do you remember all of your clothes from your entire childhood? No they were things that you were not attached to, so your brain didn’t lock them away. You might remember your favorite item or events from each school year, or your most precious toys, but you won’t remember them all. You simply didn’t attach to them all.

To me attachment is an inevitable subtle side-effect of caring. When you care, it affects you, and then you remember those things, those events, those places, those people. I want the things that affect me in that way to leave happy feelings, like childhood vacations and favorite meals.

Yet, my current experience of 3 of the 4 Indian men in my life is regret. Regret that I wasn’t able to convey my appreciation for them being there. Regret that they got away without knowing truly how much they helped me. Wishing that I had said or done something that would have led them to reconsider leaving. Wishing that they could have taught others in my life a better way (though that mostly pertains to the doctor in regards to my dad’s interactions).

So, it all boils down to love (thanks Ms. Hay :/ ). Those are all symptoms of love. Those are all aspects of interactions based on love. I couldn’t tell them that they helped me and that I loved them for it, and yet those that remained in my life were somehow unable to do what those men did. It also boils down to my ability to love myself and find that connection. Those men taught me how, but I don’t seem to be able to maintain it consistently to this day. I can’t spend all day sitting in the sun rocking myself and singing mantras. I can’t convince myself indefinitely that things will really be all right. Oh, I have my moments like that, I can do it for a few minutes here and there, even a few ¬†hours at a time, but all day every day is where I slip. I have yet to find their level of zen. SO then I want them to stay, because maybe I could absorb it vicariously through them.

That’s probably not healthy either. It must be another lesson on learning to love myself. I find it interesting that every layer of the onion produces one round of healing and another yet to solve. I love and forgive myself over birthing experiences, but have yet to figure out a way to love and heal myself in regards to interactions with other adults. Perhaps the point at which my memories of the men no longer carry regret, I will have one decide to stay. But maybe that is just a belief needing revised too. Some days I feel like all of my work is on myself, and that the interactions with life are merely the filler.

 

 

 

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

Let it go, just kidding. 

So this week has brought with it a gaggle of strong people (mostly women)  in pain. 

I have waded through the muck of a half dozen people with almost the exact same tension pattern of varying degrees of severity.  Neck, to mid back, & heavy to one side.

After having worked on the friend I mentioned in my last post,  I noticed I was carrying similar tension, but thought I’d overdone exercising on the rowing machine at the YMCA.

But the people  kept  calling.  Each one admitting they’d been hurting for a while,  and that’d it finally gotten unbearable.  After the 2nd one I thought,  maybe mine isn’t from exercise.  Then 3 & 4 appeared at work & I figured I was carrying some collective energetic junk. Finally after 2 more friends begged me for help for the same issue,  I knew for sure something has to be in the collective energy field.

It happens every great once in a while.  In my career of nearly a decade I’ve noticed it maybe 8, or so, times.  Like mass hysteria,  everyone suddenly has the same physical complaints (or very similar with a majority of overlap). Unfortunately,  I’ve never escaped it myself. Nathan thinks this particular round might have to do with the impending inauguration, being that the strong women I’m around all find Trump offensive. I can’t say I disagree with that sentiment.

Anyway, this time is no different for me. After a wild week of riding the emotional roller coaster,  sifting through my own muck, & helping others with their shoulders- mine finally got unbearable.  By last night’s route I was having trouble moving,  any twisting motion sent pain shooting up my spine. I  told Nathan, and he offered to help. 

He vibrated my back & hips. He massaged with his hands, and finally he applied cups for me.

After about an hour (maybe 90 min) of very intense work,  this is what I look like. 

Nathan did a great job considering that I’m the one that was trained in cupping. I guided him on where to put the cups based on where I was feeling it most, & I said “when”, when each cup hit my intensity toleration limit.  Then you wait for it to work- 20 to 40 min.

I’m so grateful for Nathan doing this for me. I get my professional massage from my great therapist tomorrow,  but I knew I wouldn’t make it to my appointment if I didn’t do something. 

The cupping took a huge dent out of the severe tension.  And from the look of the picture,  I was storing up a lot of toxins.  It’s called stagnation when your muscles produce the dark purple peticia  you see on my back. It looks like a bruise, but really it’s just toxins (salts, lactic acid,  built up minerals,  etc.) having been pulled to the surface . They’ll be a little tender for about 24 hours and then I won’t even know they are there anymore.  They fully process out through kidney function in about 5 to 7 days. 

Now that being said,  Nathan didn’t solve the problem 100%, so I’ll definitely still need my massage tomorrow, & I  may have her do some more cupping to get anything that was missed.  When it’s done in a massage context, you can even drag the cups to really break up tension in the fascia- I’m thinking I need that.

I also asked my friend that has an inversion table if I could use it soon,  and she said Tuesday works. So I’ll essentially have 3 days in a row of self care. Time consuming, yet soothing, quite time… ample time to keep processing mentally.

With that being said.  My hour of cupping & vibrating was well utilized for visualization.

So far I can’t get “the boy” (that’s a short term of indearment to substitute for “online friend”) – out of my head.  Oh, I’ve tried.  No luck so far. I just can’t brush off the way the connection feels. Something that rare and special just doesn’t happen every day.

So for now I’m chalking it up to I don’t know what it means,  & I’m sending love anyway.  Maybe I’m not supposed to fully understand this one.  Regardless,  I’m going to make the best of it. So when he comes to mind,  I think pleasant thoughts, visualize what I’d prefer to happen.  It soothes me every time. … Now, if I could just figure out why I had a really vivid memory yesterday of a seemingly insignificant interaction with a man at Whole Foods from probably well over a year ago (it was warm weather, but I can’t remember spring vs fall)- I think it’d help make sense of some things. 

Anyway, my time this afternoon was that and visualizing other good things in my life.  I may not fully understand the law of attraction,  and I still think there’s either a hiccup or something I’m missing,  but it does feel good to practice visualizing future goodness. So, be it money,  vehicles,  home,  or this confusing man, I am attempting to think and visualize positive  more often. It seems to help with anti-rumination too.

Here’s to hoping that there’ll be a better brighter future in my little family,  and a little clarity on the way to it!