Tag Archives: update

In other news….

That picture is soooo not me, I don’t have a picture of me working out! Perhaps I should fix that!

Anyway, to start, my stress triggers recap: house hunt/purchase attempt(s), Equifax mumbo jumbo, mortgage application, frigid weather, sinus cold, my dad’s state of being, hormones, relationships/moving-on from pointless hopes, kids being kids…

Yeah: I think that’s most of the ones I’ve talked about of late.

Now add to that my brand new shiny computer had a glitch from a recent Microsoft update, and the resulting frustrations over not being able to work on my dome designs. I had really hoped to have a significant amount of that completed to show here by now, but alas it will have to wait until the glitch is resolved. I won’t have Sunday time to do that until after Thanksgiving, but I very much look forward to the results when I eventually do get to it.

I am slowly chipping away at the process to become a continuing education course provider. Currently I’m on the portfolio/curriculum vitae. It doesn’t seem on the surface that it would be a big deal, but organizing 15 years of applicable skills into the format they are seeking is a bit tedious. So that is not completely done yet either, and I haven’t even started writing my courses. I projected 6 months when I decided to commit, and like all cases, my estimate may or may not be entirely accurate, but I will eventually complete it. One step at a time, as my schedule allows.

Finally, because of all these stress triggers, I’m feeling the need to burn it off – quite literally!

Except when I’m smack dab in the middle of a stress-trip with a spice cake right in front of me, I have little to no appetite. I’m still eating, but finding it easier and easier to stick to healthy items in very small portions. That’s a great thing! Especially since I’m officially eating vegan now; no grains, no meat, no dairy, no soy, no nightshade vegetables; except that darned piece of cake!

Then, I have a strong desire to move nearly constantly. In between clients I am finding myself pacing quite a bit. I’ve also been taking every opportunity to go exercise. Being it’s been so much colder, nearly all of my workouts have moved inside. I’ve been alternating between the Planet Fitness across the street from work and the YMCA near home.

I have been lifting 2 to 3 times a week, except this week because my cold caused a missed day. I do use the dummy-proof machines since I’m not working with a trainer or spotter.

As for cardio, I am still getting at least 40 min of speed walking via treadmill 4 to 5 days a week, I aim for an hour when possible. I fluctuate between 3.8 and 4.2 mph on the treadmill because I so enjoy matching the beat of the music I’m listening to. This last week though, I’ve been working with incline more, to push the cardio aspect a bit. It’s that or run, and I really don’t enjoy running…. ¿Yet!? …. Will I ever?

Anyway, I just wanted to share my progress with my readers to show you really can do anything you want. For me, that just means a little of everything.

My current lifts are all weights based on 3 to 5 sets of 10 reps at a time. I do 2 sessions, with the second hitting 5 sets, before I raise the weight by 5 pounds again. Last week I had a day I pushed a little too far or too fast and I really felt it for a couple days afterwards.

  • Leg press 205
  • Leg extension 85
  • Seated leg curl 90
  • Inner thigh (Adductor) 110
  • Outer thigh (Abductor) 110
  • -Glute extension 70 (I haven’t actually done this one recently so it may not be completely accurate.)
  • Back extension 140
  • Abdominal (curl- arms up) 85
  • Abdominal (curl- arms front) 80
  • Rotary torso 80
  • Lateral raise 55
  • Shoulder press (I just learned this is also called military press, and it was one I had backslide on poorly, I’m part way back up.) 30
  • Tricep extension 55
  • Tricep press 65
  • Biceps curl 30
  • Lat pull down 70
  • Seated row 65

I haven’t been good about logging my times weightlifting in the health tracker- mainly because I log the pounds and sets in a different app and forget to duplicate it, but here’s my average steps and calories views.

I’m not seeing the results myself yet, but several people have said I’m looking better these days. In my pregnancies, that stage was 2 to 3 weeks before I actually noticed changes myself. Besides the scales have not budged, they still stay between 220 and 225. Merh.

I welcome all of you to share your progress in the comments as well. I’d really love to know if there’s anyone out there that I’ve inspired in any way, or encouraged to persevere through their own struggles. And there’s always room for commiseration in fitness journeys!

May you all have easy stress free times. May you have great work-outs with plenty of support. May you find you only desire the calories your body needs. And finally, may you see results of your own hard work.

Siva Hir Su

“Nobody said it was easy…

No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay

That’s us.

I’m still waiting to find out if the birth is going to be covered by the insurance I was required to take (per government regulations in December). Insurance that cost me nearly a thousand dollars and my employer over three thousand. By that means alone I think they should have to, being the premium charges are greater than medical services provided to me during eligibility. My birth costs if rejected will be $3200 (that’s about 3 grand less than a hospital birth with no complications), and to-date the insurance has covered $35 of chiropractic and about $200 in labs. I’m still crossing my fingers they cover at least the thousand dollars worth of premiums taken out of my paycheck.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to stay positive, and not having complete success.

I wish life were like college, or school in general. I did great in academics, school was easy. Follow the rules, do your work, and poof you’re done. I Graduated in 4 years with honors, and 2 semesters of double load. I am that person that set/busted test curves and slept through classes to still get A’s.

Life is not that.

What do I mean? It’s a jumbled confusing mess of “wants to’s” vs “have to’s” vs societal dictations vs expectations of/by myself and others.

My baby wants me, just me. Nathan is OK at times, Hannah gets by for a while too, but ultimately, she just wants mommy. All day, and all night, every day.

The problem is, Ian has gotten jealous of her getting all the attention and has started making the same demands, acting out to a very obnoxious and frustrating level.

It’s impossible for me to do the same thing for both children, I must share my time.

Beyond that I’ve been contemplatinging myself, my needs and desires.

Even if I had the luxury of being able to stay home indefinitely, be it working at home or simply retiring due to money plenty, I couldn’t solely devote all of my time to two children. It would drive me insane, my brain requires variety, and lack of variety literally stifles me.

Thus, this month has held the most challenges in just attempting to appease my brain. Too many days inside watching and feeding children has left me stir crazy, but then going out leaves me shaking my head in confusion. I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary to keep savings in case the birth doesn’t get covered, but I still want to have fun. Then I find myself not knowing what fun looks likes anymore. Everything seems like too much work to accommodate two littles and my special diet, & some things just seem plain impossible. I find myself saying I’m not sure what to do, because the old me and the new me (with 2 babies) are 2 different people.

I’ve been attempting to stick to Abraham processes, and my success is still minimal. I work myself up to just fall again. Figuratively and literally.

Figuratively: I have moments where I feel like a naive fool, a wishful idiot, having let myself get hurt. Then I beat myself up for letting it continue to dog me, but have to acknowledge all of the external reminders that contribute to remembering.

I have other moments where I’m overwhelmed with all of the things I’ve yet to finish from before birth, knowing its simply more difficult to get them done when the baby wants to cling to me. I have to stop and acknowledge that I have managed to still accomplish some of them, just not all.

Then I have moments where I panic because it’s time to return to work, and on one hand I want to-finances and variety are needed; but not wanting to on the other-because a large part of me has really been enjoying cuddling with baby and playing with Ian so much.

Those figurative moments have started manifesting literally physically. I’ve fallen 3 times in a little over a week, and I never fall. Previously, my only fall in the last five years was during an attempt at ice skating.

Yet, I’ve fallen tripping over baby’s bouncy seat, luckily I fell sideways and baby didn’t even stir. Then I missed the last 2 steps going downstairs, and fell hard. Baby did notice that one, but was okay more startled and scared than hurt. Hell, that one scared me. I’m still feeling the hurt with several bruises, but it scares me fiercely that I could have really hurt baby. My third fall was on our outdoor swing. It’s one of those bench style with cushions, and I have no idea how, but I hit the ground going to sit on it and knocked the swing off it’s hooks. That after having fallen on the stairs, so baby cried, but again was just startled, as she was snug and safe in the moby.

However, at this point I don’t trust myself, pretty much at all. I’m now to the point that if I have to do something that might cause a fall I either go very slow with baby in a snug sling or I pass baby to someone else. I’ve even stayed upstairs and talked from a distance and tossed things down to avoid going up and down stairs too often. This week has scared me immensely.

So, time to focus, ground, and find some balance.

I want to make my kids happy while still meeting my needs and desires, and meeting necessities of life in a big family. I want enough rest, exercise, and enough variety to keep my brain happy. I want to feel like a productive member of society and be helpful to other humans in need. I want to enjoy my daily activities. I want to feel loved and supported. I want to see my manifestations take shape in wonderful ways. And I acknowledge that the universe knows the solutions for all of these requests and more, so ultimately I want to be in the best receiving mode I can be. I want to allow the divine to assist me with these and all of my requests. My asking is already done.

Relax. Breathe. Believe & Know. Allow. (That’s the hard part!)

Kickin’ Depression’s Butt

So today, someone viewed a post I wrote last August titled “Trying to Hide From My Fears”. I could only vaguely remember what I wrote, so I went back and read it again myself.

I was initially surprised that someone was interested in me enough to go back that far in my timeline to read a post. However, as I re-read it, I realized the real surprise was in the topic.

As far as the rebuild goes, we’re not currently in any better of a state of being.

However, my view on things has gotten much, much better since then. I’m seriously kicking some intense depression butt.

Despite many meltdowns before winter, and as winter progressed, we made it through safe and sound. We didn’t freeze, and we made it through mostly OK. There were a few moments where the wood-stove went out and I shivered through gritted teeth until there was warmth again. There were a few moments of “I hate living so far out a really low grade road”, but again few and far between and they passed with little fanfare.

Then I looked at how I perceive things to be going. I still feel like there are roadblocks in my way, but now I have a perception that there might be a reason that I’m not getting anywhere. Less angry/upset, and more confused/searching-for-answers. For instance, why can’t I seem to get an affordable shipping container delivered despite a half dozen dealers in KC and having talked to one of them face to face over a month ago. It’s suddenly seeming impossible to get a favorable response, and not for lack of trying. The guy I talked to in person I’ve also spoken to over the phone, left voicemail, and  emailed 3 times. One of the other dealers was out of the size I wanted at their KC lot and was going to charge nearly $900 extra to have one shipped from Gardner KS- no thanks, the point is to save money. 2 other dealers have yet to get me quotes, and the last one I have yet to call because I just looked them up today- I could remember seeing their lot, but it had not previously shown on my google search for dealers, so now I’ve got their number. However, considering that I’ve been working on this almost 2 weeks, I’d have thought there’d be better progress.

Is it possible that there is something else in the works that the Universe/Divine is attempting to get me to save the money for? If so, a good-clear-message as to what that is, would be nice. I’d gladly save the money to the best of my ability (assuming the van and car stay in good working order so that an oil change is the most expensive maintenance). Especially, if the plan K was even better than my shipping container (plan J- I made it well past plan B early last year!), I’d do that. I’d do just about anything that was better than my plans.

I simply want a decent-clean-home for my family with running water and laundry appliances, pest-free too, please. I can always make improvements over time and as I’ve said several other times, I will continue to aim for Atira community regardless of the more immediate outcomes.

In fact I perceive that I would be able to make better headway on Atira if I’m not devoting so much of my time, efforts, and resources to attempting to fix our more immediate needs.

That’s another area I’ve improved: instead of dwelling on the failures and what’s stuck, etc.; I’m spending most of my time thinking of the possibilities of the future, and how I could construct the shipping container to accommodate alternate bed arrangements when it graduates from our home to the first homeless shelter. Basically, my brain is busy with the challenge of maximizing space and storage opportunities without limiting furniture placement. It’s a somewhat fun activity, but definitely less stressful than depression brain.

I’ve also spent more time attempting to look up information on possibly applicable grants and other programs that might contribute to the financial side of the creation of Atira. Just because it is Mine and Nathan’s baby doesn’t mean that we are not willing to accept help. On the contrary, we’d take all of the help we could get as long as the basic concepts remain intact and the over arching idea is accomplished.

Now that being said I still have my moments.

I’ve gluten-ed myself several days in a row, causing my cheeks to flare with the red acne/psoriasis patch and causing mild vertigo from mild brain swelling (I’m going to write a funny gluten post soon). I had a couple of down days from Nate’s passing.  I think that is to be expected though when losing a friend 3 years older than I am. Definite grief and lots of perspective gleaned there. I’ve alslo had some triggers tripped.

Yet I’ve also worked to compensate for all of that to keep myself from falling too far back into the abyss. The stats on that August post have essentially pointed out how far I’ve come despite essentially standing still. It’s nearly night and day. That makes me feel good, that makes me feel better, that helps see my efforts really are paying off. I look forward to that continued improvement. I look forward to good things.

Now if I can just figure out what I’m supposed to do with June in case the shipping containers continue to be stymied.

Living La Vida Loca- Enrique Iglesias

I feel that song quote fits this quick update. I felt like I needed to post an update, but I have precious little time to do so, so a quickie on my lunch break will have to do.

  1. Visited Dad Sunday into Monday. Very surreal, but very needed. He sent me off with gifts of protection, sustenance, and a sentimental returned gift from my childhood. I can’t help but wonder if there is more to the gifts than meets the eye, but only time will tell that. Everyone was on their best behavior and despite my fathers harsh presence at times in the past, we got through the visit with nary an argument. It was very surreal, but in the best way possible, especially considering everything in my family’s history.
  2. Garden is growing great, with all the rain everything is doing wonderful. I haven’t had time to take pictures, so I’ll have to do that this weekend, probably when I go to mow the lawn again.
  3. Another chicken died of natural causes, but that hasn’t affect egg production. Now that the weather is nice again were getting 3 to 4 dozen eggs a day. I’ll be delivering 10 dozen to a friend this evening. She’s going to make mini-quiches to put in the fridge and freezer at work for the low income high-schoolers that intern at her work. She says they typically have whatever leftovers or chips are available in their break-room for breakfast, so this will actually be a healthy breakfast for them now. I’m glad our abundance in eggs will help kids that need it.
  4. I’ve been working long days to accommodate fewer days in the city. So far it has helped get caught up on basic chores and do things like the visit to Dad. However, I’ve planned 13 long work days (14-15 hours) in June to enable 17 mostly open days for construction. It’ll be interesting to see if: A) I can stick to it; and B) if it produces the results I’m hoping for.
  5. The construction plan has shifted. Essentially, in a quick synopsis: The rotten wood and siding replacement on the mobile home was pushing the budget over 5 grand extra just to do the outside, and that was if I did everything myself. However, I can get a 8’W x 45’L x 9’T (foot) shipping container for $2200, so 2 shipping containers would be much more square footage and not only save me a little money, but a lot of time. So the new plan is get 1 shipping container and get it built with allowances for a second one to be attached later. I can use everything that was started and collected for the mobile home, and pull the rest of the usable materials from the mobile home. Thus saving even more time and money. In the short term it’ll be a very small space for us to get used to, but it will enable land, well and septic to happen faster, and in the long run we could end up with a very nice spacious home made of 2 or 3 containers attached in a variety of options. Also, if I can get it delivered quickly, I could potentially have a large portion of the construction done by the end of June because of all the days I took off. It’s essentially almost twice the time allotted for all of the construction we did last year. Then if I managed to do the same in July we could have a nice home in a little over 2 months. The biggest hiccup will be paying for the remainder of the needed supplies. I won’t have much to spare, so I foresee playing the “hop the Habitat Restore stores” game for the rest of the cabinets, electrical, plumbing, and fixtures, and even as much of the raw lumber as possible. There are a few elements I will have to purchase new (kitchen counter) so I have to leave some cushion for those items. It’ll be tight, but I think it will speed things up considerably. Now, if I can just get the shipping container guy to call or email me back.
  6. Anya’s birthday is coming up soon, and even though we got her a phone, I feel I need to do something special to show her how much we appreciate everything she does for us. She’s headed to the Ozarks as I write this, to spend time with a friend’s family at the lake. They are in our home-school group and really good people, so I think it’ll be a good time. She’s gone until Monday, so it’ll be an extra long weekend for me! Anyway, I’m thinking of doing a Coco-Keys water-park hotel stay for her and a few friends. It’ll be 2 rooms with me and one other mom and 5 or 6 girls. Again, pushing my budget, but I need to show her we love her and care about her, and I can’t think of anything she’d like more. Now to schedule the reservation- it’s on my list of things to do today.
  7. All the “normal stuff”: mow, tend garden, clean, dishes, work on thinning  out our storage unit/purging, laundry, cats, chickens… I’m sure that’s not even everything, but my lunch break is up, so I’ll just have to write another post this weekend. A crazy life for a crazy wonderful family doing our best to survive this crazy world (and that’s not even considering anything politically or societally!).

Fatigued

I find I’m very tired today.  The divine is still talking,  but the messages are muddled. I think I got told that Nathan needs to check on his friend in Malaysia, and Anya’s dead relatives the BRTs left me with 486 as their message.  Dunno.

 I still feel the energy of that  particular archetype, but maybe I’m missing something- AGAIN. Or maybe it’s just that  I’m wishing for sunny days to return. Rain for extended periods does get to me. I’m feeling good today, just run down and low energy- even with decent sleep and a good workout 2 days running. 

I’ve cranked the music up to compensate and have done a lot of driver’s seat grooving. It helps a bit.  Today:  RobD, Delhi 2 Dublin, Kongos, Nathaniel Ratliff, and Imagine Dragons…. lots of up beat loud dance friendly grooving…. Side note:  why is it that I don’t feel self-conscious bopping in the car,  nor having body hair,  but other seemingly silly things cause great embarassment (like when my hair is a mess or like having mud on my pant leg because the car is coated in it)?

Anyway, this post was really just intended to put up a couple of small art images I forgot to put in yesterday’s blog. 

So here you go:

Top “Peace” is ink & watercolor on heavyweight watercolor paper.

Bottom “Love” is ink pen on same paper.

Fulfilling a small part of that love the infinite divine 24/7. I want more of that. 

I’ve also been thinking about all of the modern conveniences that I really love and miss. I’m going on a year without running water at home,  and it really makes me love my showers at the Y  (not that I didn’t before – I’ve always loved being in water in any format). Just mulling over all the things I love and miss and look forward to having ready access to again in the future. 

So, despite my fatigue, I’m doing my damndest to bring love and light in with me to work.  I’ve really cranked up the Reiki and I’m using the new symbol my guides gave me, even though I still don’t really know what it means. I hope it helps everyone I come in contact with today.

Additionally,  I’ve decided I’m going to set-up a flute performance for my one big building. Hopefully we can find a date far enough out that I can actually practice before performing this time. Considering I hadn’t touched my flute in almost 2 years,  Nathan’s art showing went ok,  but I did goof a couple of times. Again with that silly embarrassment:  they all said they couldn’t believe that I hadn’t touched my flute in that long and that I was great… now I just need my brain to believe it. Keep performing,  practice makes perfect. 

Lastly, I think I’m going to make a concerted effort to get our passports.  Nathan and Anya have expired one’s, but Ian and I have never even had one.  Oh my, that’s a kind of big hurdle to visiting other places one day. One I think needs to be a priority, though I’m not entirely certain why – those muddled messages maybe. 

There you have it. That’s my day so far, and my small goals. 

April

My phone is on it’s way back, so I’ll have it in a day or two. The email says they replaced the charging port. I hope it was really that simple of a fix.

The van has a new back window. Nathan busted it out on a mailbox avoiding deer on his route- I have yet to understand the physics of that, but oh well, what’s done is done. Just yet another valid reason/excuse for not being able to save any money.

I’m currently exhausted, but keeping myself awake, because leaving Ian unattended is hazardous. He refused to go to sleep until 2 am last night- despite angry mom. Bonus, we had to be up at 7 am for the van window this morning! Nathan and Anya are in the metro for Co-Op classes today, so it’s just me and the boy. Extra Bonus: it’s cold again. I gave him a box of clean cat litter to pretend he has a sandbox inside. We talked about not letting the cats in his box, and if his litter gets dirty, letting me know so I can swap it out for clean! So far he’s dug in it with his toy construction vehicles for hours, like 3 hours on Sunday, and several hours yesterday, and we’re already an hour into digging today. I may have started something hazardous!

I suppose he’s happy though, so even though it might be a hazard, it’s one worth taking for some peace and quiet. Being in the middle of nowhere it’s that or drive an hour for an indoor playground, and the way I’m feeling, litter in a box wins.

Finally, I realized that I really miss conversing with my Online Friend. April will be the approximate one year mark from when we started chatting, and at this point I am really hoping that I get to meet him soon, or at the very least have a phone call with him. Of course, the latter requires that I have my phone back, and the former requires him returning from the east coast. So patience it is. I’ve relegated to doing my best not to pressure him at all. Partly to honor him: that he is in a very unique and difficult situation which has and probably will continue to cause conflicting thoughts and emotions, I honor his need to work through things in his own timing, and I’m doing my best to be supportive of whatever decisions he makes. Also, partly to honor myself: I need to make peace with patience, if I don’t the universe is going to keep testing my patience- one way or another. *Sigh* In the mean time, I simply keep focusing on the connection we share (when possible) and sending love. Everyone can always use a little love.

 

Up, Out, and Renewed Focus

I did pull myself out of the depression hole. I now know I can. It was hard, took a solid week to fully come back up. Several days of exercise and then behaving diet wise, and I am back to relative chipper. (I say relative because I’m not sure my best moods ever constitute what some refer to as chipper, however, I am in a good mood place.)

My phone, which is really a miniature computer that makes calls and receives text messages, started acting up. It was eating files and overheating. Wednesday of last week it started overheating to the extreme and failed to take and hold a charge. I called customer service (using my husband’s phone) and they gave me instructions for sending it in, free of charge- I love when warranties work! Then as I was prepping to send it in, it suddenly acted like it was ok again, so I typed up a short letter explaining everything that had happened and giving a disclaimer that it seemed to correct before mailing. I really hope the technician reads my summary. I’m not sure I care whether they fix or replace it, so long as I get a working phone back.

I’ve realized that without my phone, I feel very disconnected and unprepared. I have come to rely on the quick access to my calendar (i.e. my livelihood); being able to look things up on Google or YouTube. Being able to make a call or send a quick message without hunting down a Wi-Fi connection. I’ve even realized how it has affected my work, as before I was using a couple of Chinese Medicine reference apps on a regular basis. Not having access to those apps, I have had to rely on my computer when available, but mostly my memory- which is occasionally very spotty, and in Chinese Medicine there is an awful lot to remember. It’s not the end of the world, and I’ll make it the 9 to 14 days that it will take to get something back, I’ve just realized that I’ve grown very attached to my tiny computer/phone. I’m definitely in withdrawal.

 

Speaking of Chinese Medicine, I’ve done some for myself. After being sick that week, I had congestion that just wouldn’t drain. My sinuses were sorely backed up and causing problems. I began having a continual throbbing jaw pain on the left side of my face and noted some red sore spots (a sign of excess, especially the congestion type) on what I knew were accu-points. I just couldn’t remember which points they were for sure and what their use was.

I looked them up and sure enough, every point had to relate to sinuses and congestion. They were stomach, large-intestine, and bladder meridian points that dispel wind. In Chinese Medicine, wind can be an external influence (windy days causing sickness) or a symptom of liver/spleen excess (which also manifests as anger or yelling). I found myself saying: I don’t know which cause it was because I’ve experienced both of late. So I relegated to carrying out the most efficient solution- Acupuncture. I would love to go to an Acupuncturist often enough to heal my body for real. However, being as low budget as I am with a basic knowledge of Chinese Medicine, I’ve opted to do very basic acupuncture sessions on myself to solve acute issues. This time, was one such event.

20170302_231714

I have to say after the 1st treatment I was significantly better, though it re-flared, so I’m actually in the middle of my 2nd treatment as I write this. Being that I’m not a fan of pain, I’m hoping that this treatment polishes off the congestion/wind and  I’m back to full normal tomorrow.

 

Beyond that life is mostly normal. I’m still working every day, commuting 90 min and dropping loads on fuel. With the new route income we have managed to begin to catch up on car maintenance and repairs. We still have shocks, 0-2 sensor, and some kind of electrical short to figure out. It’ll  all get done eventually.

I’ve still been conversing with my potential poly love interest online. He’s taking a business trip to the East coast for several weeks, so between that and my AWOL phone, I’m in withdrawal of our conversations too. However, I’m hopeful that his time out east also bears some fruit with his fiancee too, at least metaphorically speaking. I hope he is able to get a better sense of his fiancee as a person and what he’s really committing to. My biggest concern for him is that he’s walking into the rest of his life completely blind. That could cause so many problems long term. I know that the culture of arranged marriages (regardless of country of origin/perpetration) is predicated upon that premise: that the couple to be is to know that their parents and whomever else is involved in the selection process, has their best interests at heart, and thus should be trusted. Yet, I can’t help but think of the horrendous outcome that would have befallen me if my parents had picked my husband.

My parents may love me, but they lost sight of who I was as a person long ago, and at this point we disagree on more things than we agree upon. I can’t imaging how horribly wrong their choices in personality, political views, and general world views, would have been for me.

I’m honestly surprised that arranging marriages is still thriving so strongly, I would have thought it to have fallen apart decades ago. Although, I suppose there might be something to the idea that angry bitter people might be wanting to punish others for their forced marriages, and what better way than to force another marriage. The gentler more conscious version of that would be “maybe if I do a better job picking a mate for my son/daughter then their marriage will be better than mine was”.  Though I hardly think either stance will provide the desired outcome for anyone, especially when younger generations are being raised to believe in freedom and love. The two ideologies simply don’t mesh well.

My biggest hurdle is accepting his decision to go with the arrangement and not refuse. I understand why he feels the need to follow through with it, the complexity has weighed heavily on me. I sincerely wish I had the financial resources to provide an acceptable 3rd option for both him and his parents. Yet, I don’t currently have that ability, and based on his explanations, I don’t see a valid alternative without it. I just wish so much for him to be happy and have freedom of choice, even if that didn’t involve me long term. It’s all I would ever wish for anyone. Happiness, and freedom. I feel really strongly about those two things.

It’s really why I get so angry over our political environment here in the USA. Our government allows us as society to have just enough freedom to be complacent, and has ensured over the years that restrictions to our freedoms are quietly put in place (with a good reason mind you) so that it’s a surprise when someone goes to do something and is told no. Then we have to fight 10 times harder to have those laws removed from the books and freedoms restored. It’s a pattern that has repeated itself over and over again in US history, yet we keep letting it happen.

Anyway, I’m rambling. I just want peace, happiness, and freedom for all. I want to help people get on their feet and rebuild their lives. I want to have a lasting positive effects on this world. And right now all I can do is get up every day and go to work to ensure that my family has food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and communication with the outside world. And since that is ALL I CAN DO, then do that, I will. However, I will keep telling the story of Atira (coming to a blog post near you, soon!), the good things I wish for, and maybe the more I tell it, GOD and GODDESS willing, I’ll be able to welcome it into my life for real. THAT is my new focus.

Tis the season. 

Happy holidays everyone.

Tis the season for busy bustle, and it’s no different for us. As if we haven’t already been insanely busy. 

We moved into the 3rd house for heat, & 3 weeks later we’re still cleaning & pulling belongings from the shell of our house to be.

All of my houseplants froze. I’ll end up having a small “plant funeral” when the proverbial dust settles.

We’ve had the wood stove fired up for a while now,  and I must say I love it. There’s nothing like having a fire to watch,  and the heat is amazing.  We’ve now gotten the house  so warm that we were getting dehydrated (even with kettles of water on top) & overheated ourselves. I’ve opened windows on 3 occasions to help cool down. 

There is a little bit of a learning curve. I’m the best at restarting it in the morning without filling the house with smoke, but by no means perfect. We’ve also learned a lot about hard vs. soft woods, & how to stack the fire to last overnight.  We’ve had a few mornings where we woke up cold  because of improper fire building & failing to tend in the middle of the night.  Though even those somewhat cold mornings are no comparison to space heaters with no insulation.  I’ll take the failed fire any day!

Since we’re  using the wood stove,  we’re using wood.  Apparently, we didn’t cut much wood to the proper size, so Nathan’s been a veritable lumber jack cutting  wood most of several days now.  Luckily our work last summer means that we have plenty to cut.

Cats are not only enjoying the heat,  but they are getting along great. It’s so much fun watching them playing,  & every time I sit the 3 young ones come sit on me & cuddle.  I told Nathan that it’s ok I’m not pregnant,  I had a litter of kittens. Ha!

No run in’s with momma cougar,  but I did have a dream I’ll share in another post. It was pretty funny. 

This house isn’t pretty either,  & has it’s own share of needing fixed,  but I think I’ve managed to make it feel more like home.  Nathan says I’ve raised the vibrations of it as home by several notches. 

Finally,  right now I’m  headed (car-pooling) to the final practice  for the community choir & orchestra- of which I was begged to join. The 4th instrument I learned growing up was Oboe, and they needed one. 

 Our  Holiday performance is Saturday, and I’m torn because I am enjoying playing music again, but this has been way more stressful than I’d like.  Fitting it into my schedule was hard enough,  but car-pooling hiccups meant I was late more often than on time – something the director didn’t take well to. I became the veritable whipping boy & anything that was wrong with intonation was blamed on me.  Now I’m essentially biting a hole in my lip to try & play as sharp as everyone else.  

You see when many instruments warm up they tend to gravitate toward being sharp,  Oboe definitely gravitates toward flat. Hence the dissonance. 

I was playing directly into my digital tuner so I knew that I was hitting notes mostly on pitch, but even on pitch  against a quarter step sharp sounds horrible. 

 So, he rudely took me off of a part 2 practices ago.  The removal only partly bothered me in and of itself.  It was how he rudely did it in front of everyone that really upset me. 

Now I find myself playing tentatively or not at all. What was supposed to be a fun revival of concert hall music,  now has become me trying to decide if I even want to show up for the performance. 

Sadly,  my responsible ass will show up and play even if I feel like a stupid out of tune schmuck. I will just have to try to not let it bother me.

Maybe my wonderful love interest will keep distracting me with his great conversations- I know Nathan misses him as much as I do. It’s wonderful to have such a supportive husband.