Tag Archives: update

Trying to be okay.

I put this song on leaving work today. It is my favorite rendition of the song because it is so epic and has the full orchestral backup. I forgot that I had Spotify on repeat for the playlist I was using for client sessions. Somehow several repeats in, my brain finally acknowledged I had heard it many times, but I didn’t bother to change it. It repeated the entire drive home. It did help me to let go some, and many many tears were shed.

I’m not really okay, but I am doing my best to be okay.

Sunday, my only day off, we went to the Zoo to forget about things for a little while. Katherine pulled the wagon while Ian, Anya and Nathan all rode the ski-lift “Skyfari”. She also tried to kiss and pet the wild kitties through the glass. When the other 3 rejoined us, there was a tussle over who would pull the wagon. Later, I squawked at a penguin after it honked at me, and confused it horribly. It craned it’s head around to look at me as if to say “How do you speak penguin?!” My kids rode the carousel, and we all walked a ton, I had almost 12,000 steps by the time we left the zoo. It was a beautiful day, albeit fairly windy. It was much needed reprieve. There are more pictures to be had, but I can’t get Nathan’s to pull up as usual, so I’ll share a few of the ones I took.

Nathan has a brief extension on dialysis to see if he can reverse kidney function enough to stave off dialysis completely. We have been warned of symptoms necessitating an ER trip. For now he is okay, but I notice all the things that are not as we would prefer. It is frustrating us both.

Our cannabis cards have not been approved yet, and we were warned it could take up to 3 weeks, but I am sincerely hoping that it is sooner. I feel like I am dancing the edge of a mental breakdown, and doing my damndest to stay afloat.

However, thanks to a client and the chiropractors at the clinic, there is a service called “WELLTHY” attempting to help us with things.

They have figured out that we fell through the cracks. Disability took so long to get it to go through, that he will not get a penny of SSDI, he’s too far out from a job that had consistent wages. SSI is also out of the question. I worked my ass off keeping our family afloat and just barely above poverty, so my wages invalidate his ability to draw SSI, a family of 5 has to be under $3,000.00 a month to get anything. The medical bills will not be paid by the government, at least in any way to take them off our plate and get them to quit affecting credit tracking.

“WELLTHY” is helping to make sure that his Medicaid will go through, and is also attempting to find some sort of assistance or grant to eliminate the past medical bills. They are also helping with the paperwork for his student loan. They have also promised to attempt to find medical insurance for me at a rate I can afford (not holding my breath on that one). Finally, they suggested they might be able to make a connection for childcare via charitable organizations. I am hoping it all works out.

As for now, my IV treatment is still out of reach. So even if it would help us all heal, it is not in the cards for the moment. There’s not really enough for one person to get treated with it, let alone our whole family.

I have used our stimulus check to pay bills, and we’re working on getting the mostly dead tree removed from our backyard to help reduce the insects trying to invade our home. Then we will treat for insects to ensure our home stays safe. It is vital at this point that my home stay safe, it’s all I’ve got to show for 11 years of working myself constantly. It’s also a sad reminder that I am still drastically further from my dreams than I would have hoped all my efforts would have amounted to. If I had accomplished even half of what I wanted to by now, we would be in my wonderful concrete dome home that would be nearly impervious to termites and carpenter ants.

BUT, I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. I’m still meditating every night before bed, and frequently in the middle of the day. I’m still doing my best to stay focused on positive thoughts (it’s really really difficult right now). I’m still exercising as much as I am able to fit in. The mountains of paperwork just seem to get higher and higher, more and more, so some of my gaps I would normally use for exercise have disappeared. Yet I am still managing enough exercise to keep some shred of sanity maintained. At night Nathan and I have taken to playing solfeggio frequencies and binaural tones to help with healing goals. I have even resumed doing EFT tapping to try and release the emotional buildup.

I am giving it my level best efforts. Prayers are always welcomed.

May you have your sanity when you need it. May you know you are supported and cared for. May you know it is going to be all right. May you see everything work out for the best and be just fine.

Om Shanti

Garage organization

Today was a day off. One of now many more than I’m used to. The clinic let me know that trend was continuing because they were consolidating appointments, and would now be closed on Tuesdays and Fridays for the rest of April. I told them I understood and am looking forward to normal resuming.

Anyway, I had wanted to finish the garage, AKA storage unit, since the housewarming at the beginning of March. It has been one big pile, and chaos to utilize any of it.

Today was my chance, and I put a big huge dent in it. Nathan helped me start it before leaving to get his prescriptions and diapers/training pants for Katherine.

By help me start, we both drug most everything out into the driveway to help sort and rearrange, then he left.

I sorted things left by the previous owner. There was a fair amount of usable lumber and trim, a very good thing, but there was a lot of junk left behind too. That will need to get hauled off one way or another.

I reorganized all of our tools, really they are mostly mine, so I knew exactly how I usually keep them. They are now super accessible and easy to navigate.

I hung a little shelf in front of the garage window to help start the replacement flower bulbs resulting from squirrel lunches.

I moved shelving units so that plastic shelves were no where near the fireplace back, and all the metal shelves are now on the fireplace wall.

I hung all our odd items from the wall of pegboard. Things like our foldable wagon, grocery cart, and yard tools. It definitely helped get them super organized and off the floor. It’s too bad the pegboard wall isn’t big enough for our 3 bikes to hang, that would have been super cool and space saving.

Anyways, when all was said and done there’s a half dozen totes of things that need sorted to stow (or donate). There’s a pile of empty totes to be stored in the attic, and the junk pile and recycling to be dispatched with. Otherwise the garage is finally set as normal functionality for all the yard supplies, garden tools, regular tools, and kitchen overflow.

I had a very productive day and treated myself to a salt bath after dinner. Now I’m off to bed. I have one appointment tomorrow morning and then the clinic is closed so I’ll head home again. I suspect I’ll either end up sorting the few totes that are left, or tackling some of the small odd jobs that we knew were going to need done sooner than later. Maybe I’ll leave myself time for some art tomorrow. It’s going to be a good weather day, so exercise would be in order as well (not that today’s 8 hours of hard labor doesn’t count).

May you have productive days when you would rather be working. May you enjoy plenty of downtime as well. May you find ways to quiet your mind and may we all see this nonsense come to an end. Love yourself and do things that you want to do and see done.

Siva Hir Su

(BTW, the picture isn’t mine, I ran out of steam and decided our stuff wasn’t pretty enough to warrant going back out for pictures. So I used a stock photo from pixels library. Sometimes I do that just to mix things up, mostly it is because either I’m too lazy to take pictures, or feel my subject matter is better shown in a stock image. It’s all good, I think readers can usually tell which are mine or not, and I know that WordPress has included photo info automatically in the past, so when they care it shows, but I wanted to specify in case anyone was concerned.)

Ta Da

I need more ideas for titles. When most of your blog is just writing about your world: your own experience, it sometimes seems to have very repetitive topics. Geesh.

Anyways, The Good:

First I did a lot of meditating, it was very helpful and put me in a really good mood. I felt my connection to the divine really strongly and knew everything was going better. Things were going to be okay. Then I worked on a new to me client.

Then, I did another small art piece today, again about 2″ x 3″, watercolor only this time:

Not so good:

After that, I went home and proceeded to get bogged down in taxes. The first draft of my return is not a return, it’s a really big bill, when already in a crap storm affecting my finances. Damn. Even if my accountant can adjust it a little, I’m still going to have a lot owed. That took all my good juju and threw it out the window. I know I connected with God earlier today, but that sucked ass so bad, that I’ve had a really tough evening. I keep trying to remind myself that it is going to be okay, but ultimately I had to distract myself quite a bit to find a moderate even keel. This too shall pass.

My distraction was updating both of my business websites, and my listing on the board website. I remembered one thing I forgot just now (Reiki info), so I’ll get that later, but you can see them here:

Atira Group and Atira Arts

May you have mostly good days with creativity and a good connection to the divine. May you maintain your connection even in adversity. May your tax return be good and may you make it through this mess with stable finances. May you know everything will be okay.

Siva Hir Su

Ouch.

I should be more stressed. Somehow I am more relieved.

I had a dream this morning after first alarm only vaguely got my attention. Shiva told me he was coming for me. It was time. I said ok, and I looked forward to knowing who Shiva was. I then said that if he really was an ET, that it might weird me out at first, but somehow even that was okay. I got all tingly and buzzy in good ways, and then the rest of my alarms started going off.

I ended up oversleeping the alarms, but not enough to get back to my connection with Shiva. It only mildly upset me.

This is not the first time I had had a dream like this, and still don’t know what is meant by “coming for me”. That has so many possible uses and meanings. Part of me is vaguely worried about death, but if ET is a real thing it could mean departure from Earth. It could also mean a sexual or reproductive reference. It could also mean that whomever he represents in my dreams, might actually show up in reality, and I’ve had enough messages that it’s a woman that I’m just unsure.

Regardless of my confusion on the interpretation, it somehow was soothing, and somewhat exciting.

I got to work a few minutes later than usual, but my first client wasn’t until 11am, so stupid me thought I should launch my day with round 3 of new workout aspirations.

My legs burned, my calves and hamstrings wanted to cramp up and I had to stop and stretch twice. I couldn’t get my lungs to keep up with the intense desire my muscles had for oxygen. I wimped out, getting my 2 miles, but at slower paces on both running and walking, and not a stitch of incline today.

My body was angry, but did I stop there. Ohhh, noooo! I was too inspired by losing 3 pounds in 2 days. I pushed myself to do 60 reps of rows with 85 pounds keyed up. Then did 3 sets of abdominal weights- forward bend and side twists.

I think my body strangely likes self-torture. I’m am hurting so much, but feel better balanced in other ways. It’s a very strange dichotomy.

Then I discovered that ALL of my nursing home work has been put on hiatus- another kind of ouch entirely. All the facilities in the metro have gone down to only vital services using only direct hire employees. They even have restrictions on visitors. So over a quarter of my income just vanished until the crazy subsides and things return to normal function.

I get the fear, but old people die from the flu, pneumonia, strokes, and heart-events every day. Most of my residents have said they aren’t worried and are ready for whenever it’s their time to go, regardless if it’s an infection or anything else that takes them out. I’m not being heartless, most of my people are in so much constant pain, that death would actually be welcomed and better. Yet our health care system is bent on making sure that people stay alive at all costs. … Going to stop my rant here. It’s never done me any good anyway.

Anyway, other people’s fears, not my resident’s fears, mean I’m going to be drastically short income this month. It’s not the end of the world, but it seems some of my goals for April with our house and yard will be put off. I look forward to sanity returning with my income in tow.

So fascinating dream and 2 ouches later I am finishing up my workday much sooner than normal. It’s going to be weird not having all my old people to see this week and probably next week too, who knows how long.

May you have full understanding of your dreams. May you have expected and desired time off (mine was desired but not expected). May you feel the burn in the best ways possible. May your strength, stamina, and prosperity only grow.

Siva Hir Su

Oh my, now what?!

This weekend brought a few hours to spare, and much unpacking and situating, even quite a bit of construction.

Saturday late-afternoon and evening I tackled our living room and I was able to get about half of it unpacked. I of course started with the prettiest and most meaningful parts to our experience. It meant that when I ran out of steam our living room was a beautiful spread of 2 altar spaces lit with glowing candles. One is the fireplace mantle and the other the top of the big bookcase. Before (in the rental) I had everything tightly organized onto just the bookcase, it worked, but I’m appreciative that I now have the extra mantle space. I feel it better serves the delineation between the different divine archetypes we work with. It felt very good to get the energy flowing in a very positive way again.

I also managed to get many (not all) of our pictures and family keepsakes hung. I sat with Nathan and Kids and had a long moment of tired but very satisfied appreciation. I was very grateful for this new home.

I was only slightly concerned that my inability to keep moving meant none of our books or important paperwork was dealt with. That will be dealt with in due time.

After my moment with family, I crashed for a good night’s sleep. I even ended up sleeping in a bit the next morning. I tried to get up at my usual time, and decided to do a meditation. My meditation ended with a cat curling up on my lap and then I dozed off again. I was reawakened by the same cat knocking the bouquet Nathan had gotten me, off the mantle. The adrenaline rush of jumping into action to clean up the puddle launched me into my second “day off” of action.

The rest of Sunday was a comical trip to Home Depot to purchase the carpet that Anya finally picked for the flooring of her room, and the following construction labors.

Home Depot is NOT my favorite hardware store, but it’s the closest one to our new home, which was vitally important for the purpose of the trip. It took me forever to find someone to cut the length of carpet I needed, but once complete and checked out they were nice enough to help load it into our car.

That was the comedic moment. See we drive a little red 4 door Mazda Prot├Ęge, And the carpet was a 12 foot long roll. I had to make the trip alone because the roll was slid in from the trunk all the way up to the front dashboard. Slid is an over simplification, more like shove, adjust, shove, adjust, repeat until it was in as far as possible. They sent the youngest teen boy to help and he was strong but not great at understanding what I needed of him. When all was said and done we got all but 4 feet of the roll in the car. I hung the appropriate red flag from the end and drove home with the trunk open to 28 degree weather.

Once home it was almost as comical to get the carpet out of the car and downstairs to Anya’s bedroom. The staircase is just inside the front door, but faces the bathroom and thus required bending the carpet roll to turn the corner into the bathroom.

Regardless, we succeeded and carpet was eventually installed.

Before putting the carpet down I did the drywall patch on the superfluous doorway and laid the carpet pad. I also installed two doors with appropriate framing. After the carpet was down and trimmed properly, I trimmed out her baseboards and doorway. The following pictures take you through that journey, from where the room started to when I finally ran out of steam.

Literally the only 4 things left for her room are: door kick-plate, door threshold strip, re-painting, and unpacking.

She was hesitant about the room initially, but as I figured it was because it was incomplete. Now she’s super excited since it looks and feels like a bedroom suite.

I do still have trim left to complete in her little half bath, and a few other odds and ends, but the most intense of the desired construction stuff is complete. It feels good to acknowledge that 2 weeks from close, the biggest chores have been tackled and completed. At this point we just have lots of boxes to sort and put away, some of which were in long-term storage so Nathan has already started a big box for donation items.

And today is Tuesday, the first chance I’ve had to write since then. It’s also the first chance I’ve had for serious self-care in about a week. SO, I’ve done cupping on my arms to get functionality back. I was seriously tight and sore from all the heavy work both in office and at home. My skin has soaked up 8 ounces of Mag-ahol, and post cupping I’m doing lots of arnica to take out the “attacked by octopus” look.

May you all have time to spare, speedy progress, and successful ventures in all respects. May you feel satisfied and appreciate your home. May you feel the gratitude of things going well, and see positive changes in your experience. May your tired be well earned and followed by ample rest and rejuvenation. May you have many blessings and much love.

Siva Hir Su