That was the time I woke this morning.
I’m still awake. Someone’s in my head, at least it feels that way.
I woke originally with thoughts of futility about people in my life. I keep getting those stupid message notifications for videos and music. All of them implying I should be apologizing for leaving people hanging. Yet, I’m the one that begged for them not to do that to me. I’m the one getting left hanging. I’m the one that begged for honesty, caring and compassion (& love) from them. I’m the one that helped them as much as I could until their old habits and lies took care of the problem. I did what I could, and results for everyone in my life were because of things I couldn’t control, mostly on their end of the equation.
Yet, it wasn’t just the futility of those people. Now I’m stuck on the futility of western medicine, and life.
My health journey has hit a point of needing the low income clinic again. The ass P.A. I went to wasted my money, so to even get my thyroid meds refilled I need to go back to KC Care. My appointment is tomorrow afternoon.
But I don’t even give a shit anymore. They’ll be able to refill my script, but not much else, even if they wanted to.
Doctors that could do more, don’t.
Everything hangs on vaccines that have 1% to 3% risk rates. That’s everything from “I had a bad allergic reaction”, to people like the lady I knew that dropped to the floor getting vaccines for a vacation and is now a quadrapalegic and never got her vacation, to people that die from them. But they’re our savior- NOT!
Nevermind that we have a new virus that millions have already caught. Those millions are either experiencing repeat infections, or like Epstein-Barr Virus it just hangs out waiting for an opportunity to flare and reinfect. I’m betting it is the latter. In which case the vaccine will save no one at all.
And we still have NO solution for any viral disease after you’ve caught it. None, nada, zip, zilch. Several hang out in your body for years, doing varying degrees of damage and destruction. But nothing is acceptable to doctors/allopathic-medicine as a reliable way to eradicate chronic viral infections.
The best option is oxygenation therapy. Essentially a peroxide solution in IV-therapy bags. Less than $20 in true costs (plastic, peroxide, distilled water), but IF you can find a doctor that will actually do it, you’ll pay $2000-$3000. And there’s no guarantee it will kill everything in one go. It usually does, but it really depends on your body mass, how much damage you have, and how deeply hidden virus particles might be. So there are some people that need two or three rounds before they are free and clear and able to heal properly.
And me personally. I’ve spent 7 years learning how you squelch depression and manage my thyroid, to have this year’s viral battles, both with Covid and EBV, make it a nearly impossible ongoing issue.
At this point my body hurts frequently. The last few months my liver and pancreas seem to have periods of struggle where I feel them swollen and inflamed and sometimes it outright hurts. I’m in the midst of one such period now. My upper abdomen is painful to touch and aches just sitting still. My sugars won’t come back down unless I fast, and I spend more of my days not eating than consuming anything. When I do eat, 75% of the time it’s seaweed and celery with a smear of peanut butter. The other 25% of the time is meals Nathan fixes for dinner, and 90% of those are AIP friendly.
I’m doing everything in my power correctly and it’s no use. It’s not fixing things like it used to.
I blame Covid, but have no proof I even had it, because testing wasn’t available when I was originally sick, and by the time the antibody test was available it was past the 3-week window of accuracy. So at this point, I could retest when I have one of my anomalous moments like the dizziness or abdominal pain, but I would be risking spending resources to maybe get inaccurate results, since testing still seems to be quite questionable, regardless of which one you’re taking about. It seems that for accurate results it’s down to a two out of 3 type situation, having known several people need to do just that to figure out if they were really sick or not. The ‘I’m actually sick’ test is finally now available at certain locations for free, but the antibody test will still run $150 per test.
It’s not something I care to waste money on knowing there’s no real solution anyways. Even if I did show positive for Covid or the Covid antibodies, there’s still no solution I can even attempt to afford. Even if I had several thousand dollars to try the oxygenation therapy, there’s only 3 docs in the KC metro that offer it. Who knows how long it’d take to get in. Even if I did, it’s not a guarantee it’d reset me to normal and healing.
It’s definitely feeling like futility and “why bother”.
Too bad Dr. Oz or Dr. Fauchi can’t actually create change on this matter. Our medical system will never change. There are too many greedy-old-white-men controlling that system to create any real change anytime soon. They would all have to catch a chronic disease that started to eat their bodies, for anyone to care about medicine being truly for healing and not making money. Unless they all face what me and others are going through, they just won’t care.
May you have a, full night’s sleep, a better day and less feelings of futility. May you know that somehow God will make this right.
Siva Hir Su and Om Shanti