Tag Archives: vibrational alignment

Withdrawn Again

I’ve set my site to private for now, so if you’re reading this in present tense, it means you care enough to have reached out on some level. I thank you deeply from my heart.

For those that may read this way later, if I reopen my blog, I wish you only blessings. I needed space and felt too much scrutiny to stay public for now. Writing is my way to process my world and it helps me reach for better. Sometimes I feel like others miss that point, and judgments are passed improperly. I needed to process without scrutiny for a change.

I have had moments that are hard to put into words because they involve the unseen. I’m getting information, but not enough to matter. One of my duo is hurting and I feel it. The other seems to be trying to be supportive, but I don’t understand what I feel and why, and neither will reach out to me and tell the truth. I have reached out several times to the one which I think I feel as being the supportive one, without success, and feel like they must think I am crazy. I also wonder if I am crazy or becoming a stalker, I had thoughts about trying to go overseas and find them, but I don’t know enough truth to even make that attempt. I would be the crazy person wandering the streets going up to complete strangers trying to ask them questions based on half truths and unknowns, and that’s assuming I could navigate language barriers. I don’t want to be that person, so I am trying yet again in vain to disconnect.

Then the american guy. There’s been thoughts and feelings there too, but that seem to be falling flat. I had a discussion about one of my hopes with another person, and their perspective left me wondering what the hell I’m doing. I almost feel like I’ve got it all wrong and there isn’t any hope. Again, I can’t fix the problem, because it is bigger than anyone lets on. Solutions could be found if I and others were respected and we all came together, but at the moment I feel like it would be better to just walk away quietly.

Pile on top of that my father. I suspected that he has been digitally stalking me, and this week I had validation, a couple of times over. With him too I wish no malice, but his negativity is a thick lead blanket threatening to drag me down and drown me. I know I can not get through to him to create the understanding needed to change that, I’ve tried several times over. I’m fairly certain that he is the one that keeps creating the energetic ripple of ‘Nathan needs to go’. He simply refuses to even try to get to know my husband, my love, my reason to keep going. Sadly it is probably based on some old long standing grudge over being replaced by a black person years ago. What he fails to see is that the companies that replaced him with a black person, did so because they could get an equally or more skilled person at half the cost. It was okay for the company as a cost saver, but disrespected the black person’s value. Beyond that if my father had been offered the job at what they gave the black people he would have been offended by being under valued by the company, but doesn’t see that is what they did to the person they actually hired. So it’s ludicrous to hold the grudge in the first place, but it causes him to think the worst of all black people, even my husband. Two children later, he still wants me to leave my love, and won’t even acknowledge that I do indeed love Nathan. I simply can not stand for that, so I’ve gone private.

This lesson I am struggling with. I love these people with all my heart, but they are hurting me energetically and emotionally, and disrespecting me. They don’t understand that refusing to see all of who I am and what I care about, is that which hurts me. I don’t want to be hurt by their negativity- I know I deserve better, but I do care about them, my compassion is allowing me to be trampled. I am allowing myself to be hurt by their actions and their state of being. I don’t know yet, how to prevent their negativity from hurting me. I just know there is a way to still love them and not be hurt by their actions and vibrations. One day I will figure it out and it will no longer matter.

Yet it has given me another moment of understanding how God must feel at times. God wants to love us all, and wants us to love each other, but we are so busy picking at each other and being so selfish that we hurt each other. I know God loves us all based on our core spirit, even someone as horrible as Trump. That man is so busy hurting other humans that I know God must be very sad over the way he is treating other people. Additionally, I find myself hating him for all the hurtful actions he has done, but God wants us to find love and compassion for all, not just some. We are intended to be lifting each other up and celebrating love and positive actions, but we are too busy picking at each other to care. Our picking, hurtful actions and hate of others: they all hurts ourselves, because they cut our connection to God.

This moment has been amplified over the horrible storm that hit the Midwest this week. It affected much of my family, as several of them live in Iowa in the path of the storm. Yet very little has made the news about it. When Nathan and I went looking, after having talked to my mom, we found a few articles with pictures from just a couple of towns. Yet this storm has been called an inland hurricane and decimated hundreds of miles of land across 4 states, and millions of acres of crops were ruined. It was worse damage than caused by the 2008 Floods to hit Iowa. In recent history Joplin Missouri was decimated by a huge tornado and the country rushed to the rescue, those same 2008 floods also had the country rush to the rescue. We have rescued so many areas from such horrible things, but right now the country and the world are so busy arguing over politics, masks, and Covid that this massive horrible event is going ignored. My mom said it could be another week or two even until her area gets power back, and the flattened substation that services her home serves most of a two county area. People are running out of perishable foods, fuel, and there is no electrical service and thus anything impacted by loss of electricity. There are hundreds of thousands of people without power across 4 states and in several major cities, but the death toll is not astronomical, so hey lets not care or anything.

Except that death is not the only cause of suffering, neither is disease. Yet, this suffering of hundreds of thousands of people is fixable in short order if we came together and even acknowledged it. Just like Joplin, Puerto Rico, Wildfires, and the 2008 Floods: we could bring quick solutions if we cared. God wants us to see the quick solutions and do them, God wants us to help each other, God wants us to set aside differences &/or fears and help each other in every way, not just some ways for some people.

But I am one singular confused person, trying to sort out my own puzzle, and figure out how to prevent allowing people I care about to hurt me. The best I can do is go get my mom for a visit and spare her from sitting in the dark alone for days on end. I might also be able to bring her neighbors a bit of something to help them get through. Beyond that I have no idea what to do because there doesn’t seem to be any official system for helping in a broader sort of way. It’s saddening.

I know I am here in this world to help others and do my best to bring the light. Sometimes that seems to be extra difficult. Sometimes, I simply have to try and find my way back to the light myself. You can’t give light if you are having trouble seeing it yourself.

I am valuable, I am worthy. I deserve love and respect and truthful apologies. I am a good person and I am doing my best. I deserve to have others see that and acknowledge my improvement. Yet, I deserve to see my own improvement and my own progress and I deserve to have things I desire without penalty. I deserve the ability to overcome suffering, especially because of things outside of my control. I deserve to feel more at peace, and I deserve to be able to love others without being hurt. I deserve better understanding and higher vibrations. I deserve to be accepted as I am, for who I am, wholly and completely and find full healing for my brain and my body. I deserve for those that I love to come together and love each other and support each other, because that is what is right for humanity, but also simply because I love them. If God loves them and I love them, then they are worth others loving as well. They all have value in one way or another, I want for humanity to start seeing the value, the love, the good, and the reasons to come together. I deserve to enjoy life and see the good more.

May you see the good and enjoy life. May you understand life’s lessons. May you find ways to support God and humanity. May you focus on uplifting the world and being there for fellow humans. May you accept the good in others and work on finding common ground. May you accept others simply because someone you know loves them. May you see everyone’s value. May you want to get to know others. May you find ways to drop the negatives and allow God’s goodness in your life. May you reach for feeling better and helping the world.

Siva Hir Su.

On the surface I screwed up.

Side note: The hip/low back is not solved yet. Still in progress, but better. I will revisit it after my short shift this afternoon. For now I sit on ice.

The second topic for today is a mistake, which wasn’t a complete mistake.

On the surface I scared an older clinic client on accident. She came in nervous about the virus, and hesitant because she didn’t know me and usually saw one of the other therapists. I tried to soothe her nerves and it backfired. She got more agitated and decided to not do the massage.

So my mistake was in words intended to soothe but which failed to do so. But it caused the clinic to loose a paid appointment and the chiropractor to have an uncomfortable phone call the following day. For that I’m truly sorry, and have apologized profusely for it. I own it completely and would have done the call if it hadn’t been for the caller’s specific request.

Where it is not so much a mistake and important for me to acknowledge, is that I got what I wanted. I law of attractioned myself some fine tuning.

I realized later that all of my clients that I really enjoy working with are nearly the opposite. They are mostly healthy and always aiming for improvement, and none of them are afraid of much, let alone viral news. They are all confident in their being a part of a functioning society and life in general. I really appreciate that immensely.

Because I am so appreciative of those clients, I have attracted fewer and fewer of the opposite like the one I scared. I currently don’t have any of my nursing homes, my house calls are down to 3, and one of them spaced way further out than normal. And clinic clients that are scared generally aren’t scheduling with me to begin with, and really never did at all.

Yet at the same time I have had a gaggle of new clients that have all become regulars or at least repeat clients. A couple have admitted financial limitations, but promised they will reschedule as they are able.

So I had an uncomfortable moment with a perceived loss that ultimately helped me to acknowledge that I have stayed busy enough without any scardy cats scheduling. That feels good and like relief.

Please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate anyone that has bought into the fear. In fact I feel rather sorry for them and wish I could help. But this failed appointment also reminded me that sometimes you can’t fix something for someone else even if you want to. We were so far apart in vibrational alignment that she simply could not hear me and find ease. She could not reach for a soothing place. Additionally, it would have taken me down and been very difficult on me to drop to her level. That is something I am beginning to see simply isn’t worth it. I like improvement enough that I would rather keep reaching for better, than drag myself down trying to help others find their version of better.

Lately, I even dislike conversations where people want me to commiserate with them. I find I either end up going silent, doing the “uh hmm’s”, or politely arguing with them. The latter being my least preferred response because I don’t benefit from upset clients. Sometimes though I know something so strongly to my core that I simply can’t tolerate someone trying to convince me otherwise, on the table or not. I just try to stay polite and keep it short and move on to other topics.

So all in all, my fine tuning means:

  • I’d prefer scared people to just not schedule with me at all. Same goes for people that want to commiserate or argue.
  • If they must schedule with me, then keeping their fears or arguments to themselves is important.
  • I’m perfectly okay with quiet and/or silent sessions.
  • I much prefer confident healthy people on my table.
  • I enjoy friendly people that have good conversations (I’ve had several lately over fitness, meditation, nutrition, and alternative healing choices, I like that a lot.)
  • I enjoy finding common ground with those on my table.
  • I like the relief of knowing I can help someone because we’re closer in vibrational alignment.
  • I like repeat clients a lot.
  • I like having a full schedule.
  • I really like people with stable enough finances that they tip well, and I repeat my many thank you’s for those I’ve already received.
  • I enjoy a good challenge in my work, just not so much of a challenge that it depletes me for other sessions.
  • I enjoy knowing that I am able to solve many muscular based concerns and that I know when clients need to seek additional help. I am also very grateful I have qualified chiropractors & acupuncturists to refer to in office, and other types of providers outside of the office. That is especially helpful when my skills are not enough to solve client concerns.
  • I am grateful that I have a steady flow of clients and income.
  • I am grateful for the relief I have felt this last year and look forward to more of that.
  • I am glad that I keep getting stronger and healthier to keep doing the work that I enjoy.
  • I also enjoy having the graphic design work on the side to help have more income without exhausting myself.
  • I have immensely enjoyed having time with my kids and husband and pets, and time in my garden is good too.
  • I am grateful for the knowing that I am mostly in the flow of that which is wanted and that the universe is supporting me.
  • I look forward to even more improvement.

May you all have your fine tuning moments of acknowledgement. May you see where you goofed and know how to attract corrections. May you appreciate your world and your place in it. May you continue to help move society forward. May you feel mostly good and have just the right clients continue to flow into your experience. May you have the help you need and the things you seek. May you have more fun in the process. May your skills be evident and acknowledged by others. May you feel loved and appreciated.

Siva Hir Su

Photo is not me, obviously if you’re a regular reader, but it was the closest stock image to a real massage. I dislike the images where clients are not on the table right, or it’s obviously a posed scene, it perpetuates rediculous sterotypes and misconceptions. Just FYI.