Tag Archives: wants

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

Defining myself. 

In an effort to pull out of a nose-dive, emotionally speaking, I thought I should define a few things.  First:  my good qualities,  it always helps  with feeling better to see good in yourself. Second: my needs & have they been met, if they have it’s a good thing,  & can be added to the emotional win pile. Third:  my desires/wants, also with reflection on manifestation &/or  potentiality. Perhaps by the end of these 3, I’ll “feel right as rain”.

I

  1.  Intelligent- could have had a PhD if I’d cared to, or had the funding to do so.
  2. Thoughtful/kind- I try to think of others in any situation. 
  3. Thoughtful/analytical- I examine my experiences to attempt to glean useful knowledge and have a better interaction the next time something arises. 
  4. Hardworking
  5. Determined
  6. Self-reliant – I support myself & my family.
  7. Self-motivated -I make it to work most all days to ensure #5 because I want to, not because someone threatened loss of job.
  8. Compassionate -I  sincerely hate when I can’t help someone in need.
  9. Kind/caring
  10. Giving (often to my detriment) 
  11. Gentle (most of the time- don’t count when I’m working!) 
  12. Loving (when I’m not in the hole)- I’ve literally fallen in love several times,  even when things weren’t going to work out,  I still miss those people, and think of them often.  I continue to love my parents and siblings even though they don’t seem to share the same feelings for me. I will hold tightly to Nathan as he has been my rock in the stormy ocean of love. 
  13. Understanding/Empathetic – I know I can never understand everyone’s situation 100%, but I go out of my way most of the time to do my best to understand where someone is coming from and their motivations. It genuinely helps in communicating with people if they feel like they are being heard  and understood. 
  14. Good listener – most of the time,  everyone has bad days/ moments of this one- right?
  15. Organized
  16. Neat/tidy- both in my space,  and with my own person: I dress well, have good hygiene, I prefer to look good, smell good and do my best to carry that into my living spaces (2 year olds make that hard)-& I do it because it shows respect for myself and those around me.
  17. Creative – I’m an artist:  see here!
  18. Good at math too- I took calculus twice because of college transfer issues,  not because I failed the first time. BTW- I was bored out of my mind the 2nd time. 
  19. Honest – there is integrity and safety in being honest, and I’m more likely to omit truth than lie to make a situation more gentle. 
  20. Strong- literally & figuratively: have dealt with poverty & family crap & health issues for years; & I can leg press 175 pounds,  & pick up my husband of 230 pounds! 
  21. I’m cute,  I love my hair, my expressive eyes,  and though my body is changing from losing weight,  I acknowledge the journey I’ve been on is entirely worth it.

    That’s a good start I think.  It’s helped my emotional set point for today.

    II. Needs

    1. Food- I always have enough to survive. 
    2. Housing – has been challenging in many ways over the years,  but I’ve never been completely homeless.  I’ve always had somewhere to take shelter for the most part.
    3. Clothes – always. I’ll wear something to tatters before it disappears.  It ensures we always have something to wear, and I’ve gotten damn good at piecing together stellar outfits from thrift store finds. 
    4. Shoes- same as clothes,  but we always have something on our feet.
    5. Work- there were some  dry spells after college,  but the last 7 years has had consistent work.
    6. Income- spotty at best, but I always have enough for food at least, & the last 4 years has been a very, very slow increase.
    7. Transportation- we’ve always figured out something,  & often it’s been keeping a clunker just barely functional,  but it got the job done, & got me to work.

    III. Wants/Desires

    1. Safe, energy efficient,  pretty home- still working on that one. 
    2. Safe, energy efficient, nice vehicle(s) – also in progress.
    3. Atira- see my post “320 Million Reasons to Cling to My Shred of Hope.” From Nov 19th….. seems highly improbable at this point but I still cling to hope. … and for the record I’d take a few acres in the country paid with well, septic, solar, & wind power. 
    4. One big happy poly family. I have to be honest,  this is me being somewhat selfish,  wishing to replace my failed relationships with my birth family with an intentional loving supportive family of choice.  It may be a pipe dream, but I still cling to the hope. I really just want to feel the love from others, which my family never really showed. 
    5. Studio- I want to be able to create beautiful things again.  A studio would enable that.  This may come to pass sooner than later, as I’ve thought about having a separate shed for it, but home is priority. 
    6. In a like manner I want to enable Nathan to do his fine art photography again.  He does beautiful work when he has the chance. See here!
    7. Financial abundance – the kind of abundance where you don’t have to think about how much things cost,  only “do I need or really really want this”.

    Those are really the biggies. I’m sure I could come up with thousands of little, day to day, needs/wants/desires, but almost all of those would be solved with financial abundance/freedom. Again probability vs possibility: anything’s possible,  but how probable is that really. I still don’t have an answer for that one.