Tag Archives: why


A conversation with my friend the acupuncturist, over ingrained improper words, stirred memories of both prior conversations and childhood. Then she did an acupuncture treatment that released a couple mental patterns, and reminded me of my innocence of youth. Together that in turn stirred contemplation from a more youthful inquisitiveness as follows.

  • Why is it so hard to change things learned as a child, even once your brain acknowledges there are better choices?
  • Why does language learned one way, become so hard to change and adapt as the world changes?
  • Why is the world so damn slow to change for the better? (Probably somehow related to the previous question.)
  • Why does society feel that women are incapable of success on their own accord? I remembered a conversation where one of my brothers stated that Camala Harris must have done sexual favors to get where she is now. My response was “I suppose you’re right.” But, my intent was in that manner of not wanting to argue over something such as that, during the time I had to visit. Why are women in powerful positions never acknowledged for having worked their asses off and having put up with far too much shit to get there? Maybe, just maybe, they kicked some major ass in multiple ways, and their position is their reward for having done what others couldn’t handle, including putting up with male chauvinism in many ways.
  • Why are men (especially those of my birth family) so ingrained with women being lesser and incapable? Why are women seen as only worthy/capable of bearing children and taking care of family members?
  • Why are men unable to recognize when a woman is genuine, has integrity, and still manages to do what society deems as too difficult/impossible for them?
  • Why are men so intimidated by women that own their power and stay true to themselves as much as humanly possible?
  • Why are men afraid of women succeeding?
  • Why are men so adamant that women are lesser and men are superior?
  • What is ingrained in men so deeply that the toxicity has permeated all of their concepts regarding women as a mass-society/culture?
  • Why does the Bible tell a story where man gave a rib to create woman, when both men and women have the same number of ribs; but in reality, male chromosomes are where the shortage lies? Did that shortage in their chromosomes cause the deeply ingrained toxic complexities and lack of compassion, generosity, and inner knowing, as a gender? Are they somehow innately jealous because women have more chromosomes?
  • Why aren’t both men’s and women’s chromosomes equal? Is the inequality of chromosomes structure really the root of all inequality?
  • Why does religion feel the need to restrict behavior and label people as wrong because they naturally fall outside religious paradigms? Why does society continue to let religion label perfectly good and honest people as wrong or sinners because of their uniqueness?

I have broken rules and still become successful, and the men in my family seemingly can’t stand it. I have been true to myself as much as possible and I have reached for better alone. Even though religion loves to tell me I’m a sinner, I have a direct line to God and I know it for certain because of how I feel when I receive messages. I know I am mostly on my path and doing better every day that I stay true to myself. I have done my familial duty by bearing children, and though I haven’t cared for my parents in their old-age expectations, I have cared for my husband and kids, and continue to do so. Yet I still work, and not only do I work, I am the traditional head of household and breadwinner as much as any 1950’s male. I have literally done both roles simultaneously while healing myself and finding far better mental health than my childhood enabled. I am being true to myself and my integrity is far more than most any of our recent presidents- especially the prior one, just ask any one of my nearly 200 clients, many of whom keep referring new people to me. I break rules and go against religious doctrine on a regular basis, yet God supports me and guides me often. I function outside of western medicine, and am healing myself with very little of their help, yet I understand the system and the human body enough to help my husband and clients navigate it when necessary. I see the broken parts of everything and do my best to reach for solutions daily, and sometimes that means giving someone information they would rather not hear. I am doing my best to be a voice for God and help the world shift towards better one choice at a time. I am doing my best to reach for knowledge and support of maintaining our rights and freedoms as human beings. I aim for better in every way possible. I have worked with people from all walks of life and from every age from birth up to 108, and because of that I have a greater understanding of life and people. I see how people function, what they desire, and ultimately what patterns/habits/choices do the most damage over time. I do my level best to educate clients on how that applies to them, on a daily basis. I genuinely want to help make this world a better place, not just for me, but for everyone, and I make efforts towards that goal daily.

I deserve every bit of recognition I receive. I deserve to be honored and respected for my knowledge. I deserve to feel pride in all that I have accomplished and all that I still do. I am a woman: smart, strong, capable, and successful, and I earned every damn bit of it without sacrificing myself to male chauvinism or preforming sexual favors. Every woman deserves that level of pride, success and respect. We do have more chromosomes and we use them to the fullest, and yes sometimes that means we kick ass and forcefully take what should have been rightfully ours to begin with. Toxicity will eventually fall, and until then women like me will keep doing what we do, and putting up with outdated rediculous mental bullshit from men that choose not to better themselves, while we keep trudging along fixing ourselves and everything we touch. One day good will prevail for real.

May you know the right questions to ask. May you see the solutions to problems you face. May women be recognized for their skills, efforts, fortitude and integrity. May we all heal and move towards real equality. Above all may you know that God loves and supports you because you are doing your best and improving every way you are able.

Om Shanti

The why of love.

Sometimes I feel like I love too easily. I told that to Nathan last  week before the panic attack day. At that point I was having a good day,  but confused and thus very frustrated. 

I exclaimed “I  fall in love too easy anyway.  Remember Kara, remember Tina, remember Chris…. Why the hell would they show me things that make it even easier to fall in love if it wasn’t supposed to be?”

My point that I was making there,  is that I fell in love with those 3 people and things didn’t work out. Yet, those situations were grounded, purely of physical interactions,  new relationship energy that built until it slammed into a brick wall of a hurdle that couldn’t be overcome. 

Nathan was responsible for the start of 2 of the 3 relationships.  And those two I ginuinely hoped were going to work out. Alas they didn’t.

The 3rd one: Chris, was all my doing. He was very charismatic.  Great at saying all the right words.  Horribly irresponsible when it came to sexual interactions though, and thus a baby daddy to several kids already.  He was a bad idea, but one my heart wouldn’t let me see. It took weeks of Nathan’s gentle coaxing and a group conversation gone wrong to see the light. Eventually,  I sadly withdrew, and it slowly became an acknowledgement of a bad decision that my heart almost let me walk straight into.

This time around,  I wanted to go slow. He wanted  to go slow too. It was just conversations,  until the messages started flowing to me.  

Until I saw things that I can’t unsee. Until I  dreamt things that didn’t make one lick of logical sense,  but felt oh so right. I heard words,  I felt energy and interactions, things I can’t explain fully with my language skills. I knew when he was thinking about me- it nearly caused me to drive off the road twice. That’s when my heart fell in love. I realized things were happening that had only ever happened with Nathan prior. This was different,  unique. I felt him without ever having even met him in person.

It’s oh so complicated though.  I’ve likely hit another brick  wall. I got a message he’s not coming back anytime soon (I wrote of that nearly 2 weeks ago). But damn I’m having a hard time letting go.

 I still feel him,  his emotions,  his general demeanor,  I know he’s still thinking of me.  So much so,  that I can tell when he’s making himself stop- push the thoughts aside, and when he’s allowing them. I literally energetically  have to withdraw myself sometimes to be able to function.

I feel like I have entire interactive conversations with him, like this morning hearing “You have to understand it’s not just me. It’s my whole family,  my whole life”. I knew what was being said and responded with an apology and a hopeful suggestion that there’s got to be a way to find a both solution.

I just don’t know.  I know I need to let go, at least for my sanity if nothing else.  Yet the good connections are so amazing I want more.

So, why?  Why would I fall so deeply in love with someone I haven’t met in person.  Why would I fall so deeply in love with someone I can’t have in my life? Why would I be shown things that feel so good if they’re not supposed to be?

Abraham Hicks talks about finding alignment  with things you want by  thinking about those things as if they had already happened. Something along the lines of: if you feel so good in the thought of something that you don’t miss it or feel like you need it, then you’re in perfect alignment. If that’s the case,  I’m nearly there.  I just need to get over missing him.  Hmmm. Not sure how to do that. 

Yet, that’s still not really a why answer.  My brain wants to know why this happened. It has to be more complex than a reason to feel good,  or is it? Is it really that simple? That just doesn’t seem right.

So again I’m left dumbfounded,  confused,  frustrated,  and bonus “Lady in Red” just came on the radio at work. Rawr. It seems like all the music ever written is a love song,  at least to me right now.  RAWR.