Tag Archives: woes

Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.

So in my last post I wrote of a hormone swing causing my blood sugars to be high, no matter what I do. It’s quite literal.

I told a friend that I hadn’t had anything that wasn’t green, chicken or turkey in 3 weeks, and I was eating very small servings of everything.

She laughingly joked greens and foul, or foul greens. Ha ha. If it wasn’t for  the fact that I can’t  stand the sight of a salad right now, I might probably think that was funny.

I have gotten to where I’m certain that I’m eating about 500 calories on an average day, a nibble at a time about every 2 to 3 hours. It really is like when I was pregnant with Ian, but more extreme. The only up side being I’ve lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks.

That being said, acknowledging the pattern similarities and the fact that I know I had a hormone swing at the beginning of this mess, I can’t help but wonder if I am indeed pregnant.

Here’s the thing though, the hormone swing happened exactly 1 week after the only possible event to cause a pregnancy that’s happened since Ian was conceived. Between being careful out of financial reasons, being careful out of health reasons, my lack of sex drive to begin with, and Nathan’s struggle with Heart Diesase medication induced ED- it’s not like we were having careless sex on a regular basis. This was very much the only possible oops that could have led to such an outcome.

Now further more, the oops was on Sept 24th. October 2nd I’m at my midwife’s reunion party where she holds a potluck at a great park with a wonderful playground for all the families she’s helped to come have fun for the afternoon. My midwife Amber jokes: “so are you pregnant yet?” I scowl. She says “What?!”.

I explain I know I’ve had a hormone swing because my neck locked up and I’m fighting dizziness so bad it’s making me nauseous. I explain that it’s worse in the morning, food helps alleviate it, and that it is just like what happened when I got pregnant with Ian. I also tell her that I’ve taken my sugars and they are much higher than they were running the last time I took them (a couple of months prior). I tell her that I’ve been peeing on sticks trying to glean if that is indeed what is going on, and that I have plenty of test strips that are good till late next year- I’d bought a 50 pack online when Jennifer had recommended it for cost effectiveness. Amber laughs. She says: well just keep doing that then and let me know.

1 week later- nothing. I update Amber. We have a short discussion to refresh her memory of Ian’s conception. She says keep testing.

2 weeks- still nothing. She comments that I’m one of those tricky women. She’s not concerned, especially since I’ve already made diet adjustments and I’m on top of things.

3 weeks later- still nothing. She says she can do a blood test if I think I am, but not getting a positive. I respond let’s wait on that (knowing I’m broke and can’t afford it.)

Now I’m at 4 weeks and I’ve still not had a positive pee test, but no regular cycle either. I’ve even gone through 2 packages of EPT tests from the store.

I find myself hoping that stress is what did it. That I’m not really pregnant. I acknowledge that this would be a horrible time to have a child. We’re not financially stable, and our home environment is far from safe and secure. I’ve already been on government assistance, and that is the last thing I want to do again. It is a painful process and a vast majority of people look down on you for needing the help.

With that being said I’ve been in a committed relationship with Nathan for 12 years. 7 of that we have been married. I’m 33 years old and I’ve only produced one biological child (Anya is a step-child). I like to think of myself as being as socially responsible as possible. And socially responsible people don’t willingly produce children they can’t afford to care for.

Now, that being said, if I am pregnant, it was an accident. As a married couple this was the only time in over 2 years that we’d had a mistake. I think that is a pretty good track record.

Regardless, I keep circling back to what the hell am I going to do if I am. I can’t afford car repairs, I’m already spending $650 a month just on my health needs- just to maintain, not necessarily to improve. My current children are on Medicaid, and the only reason Nathan isn’t on Medicare is because Missouri never opted in for the extras on the Healthcare act, and his disability has never gone through.  If Missouri had done the healthcare act additions we would both qualify for adult coverage- we are that poor. Yeah us- not!

Nathan tells people when we really need money for something it’s always there, but I told him this weekend that his statement is a load of manure. I have 3 repairs that I have been sitting on because I don’t have the money, and the car is still running, so I can continue to ignore them for now. And every time something vital does happen, it means we miss out on other things, sometimes for 2 or 3 months afterward. I hate that.

So, then I start thinking about I need to make certain I’m not pregnant. I check into Plan B never having needed to use it before. I discover it has to be used within 72 hours of the offensive sex. Guess that won’t fix this.

Then I start contemplating abortion. Course you have to know you are actually pregnant for that, and it too costs money I don’t have. Bonus: people that are most likely to complain that I am using government assistance are also the people that are most likely to be vocally pro-life and how could you possibly think about terminating a God given pregnancy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

Reality is that IF I had an Ideal Life Situation, I wouldn’t even contemplate abortion. I would be happy to have another child. Being that for years I was so unhealthy I couldn’t even get pregnant. My son stresses me out, but I’ve come to the understanding that it is part of being a parent. All kids stress all parents to some extent. And the happy moments do seem to be worth the stress and difficulties.

But the sad truth is that life sucks, BADLY, and it has caused me some very intense grief and depression lately. I’ve taken my anger out on just about everyone around me, including the kids. I see Ian act out the way I do. He has already learned my negative patterns. I fear that I have already done irreparable damage to his psyche.

So why on earth would I allow another child to be brought into this mess and damaged as well.

Because: Abortion is a no-good-terrible-horrible-low-down-dirty act that no respectable mother would do, RIGHT? But, if I keep the baby, I’d have to re-enroll in government assistance, and would probably end up allowing  my depression, anger, and frustrations to damage that child’s psyche because I have yet to break that pattern within myself. So, if I do that I’m no better either.

All of this leads me to believe that either I am cursed, horribly broken, or God really is just using me as a veritable whipping boy, and maybe all of the above.

I can’t fix this mess, and it just keeps getting worse instead of better.

If you are reading this pray for my family- I’m probably a lost cause.

I don’t honestly know what I’m going to do. If I have an unassisted birth, I won’t have all the costs, but things could maybe go wrong. If I have an abortion, I’ll probably hate myself even more. If I keep the baby and have my midwife back other things will go unpaid and I’ll have to do all of the horribly taxing red-tape to get on assistance again.

Of course this is all assuming that my intuition is right and I’m pregnant. I still have hope that I’m wrong and it’s a stress induced fluke. But I will have to succumb to a blood test soon if I don’t get a positive pee test- which is apparently possible (friend of a friend went 5 months showing negative even after positive healthy ultrasound).

Cross your fingers, say some prayers, send some good juju, do a spell, say some mantras for me- whatever your chosen path, if you ask, the divine might listen where he’s been ignoring me. At this point I’d take a to do list. As in if you do this and this and this, then I’ll solve the rest. Something along those lines would make me jump for joy as right now I feel like I’m lost at the bottom of a deep dark well, with no help or solutions in sight.

‘Nough ramblin’ for now. Good Night Y’all.

Trying to hide from my fears. 

Be it running on exhausted,  real world woes, or a combination of the two, I find myself hiding in the spa room at work.

On Fridays I work at 3 different buildings owned by the same senior care corporation.  They are nice buildings,  with wonderful people,  none of which have taken the time to get to know me over the last 4 years. I don’t fault them for it,  I’m not in any one of them every day,  they simply don’t see me enough to think they should know me better.

Yet, I find myself today wishing someone did.  I cried hard and long between buildings.  I carefully gathered myself,  regained composure to walk back into the next.  I’ve done my job,  at least as much as I can for the moment, I’m waiting for 2 residents to be available.  So down time to be had, but today that’s not a good thing. 

Today the silence is eating at me, making me want to cry, to rock myself for comfort.  If they made an adult  version of the baby swings, I’d be in it right now. 

My fears are consuming me on this day.  I’ve taken all of my medicines and supplements,  & yet I still find myself struggling today.

I can’t help thinking I’m a failure,  yet I know I’ve tried everything within reach. But that’s just it,  I know there are things I would do if they were in reach. Yet I have no clue how to make them.

I’ve thought pray; maybe the divine will help. Alas, it seems I’m still on the do not call list for GOD.

I’m just so afraid that we will freeze to death this winter.  Our  van is vital for me to get to work,  so when it broke it became priority. We’ve fixed most,  but not all of what needed attention.  I still have to replace the struts & O2 sensor, nearly $700 of work, all because of finances. I thought I’d have enough.  Enough time, enough money,  enough smarts,  enough talent,  to make sure the vitals were done by cold weather.  Now I’m not so sure.

I’m so afraid that it won’t get done,  that other things will keep being more vital.  That I won’t have enough to meet all of the things that are really important.

It’s moments like this that I feel very alone.  I have fiends,  but none of them can or will help with the nitty gritty of this remodel. I knew that going in, but I find myself desperately begging the universe to quit kinking my hose, please quit throwing up roadblocks.

For once in my God  Dammed life, please let something go smoothly and as planned.  Why does everything I do turn to shit? I know I’m am insignificant measly mortal, but just for once I’d like to feel at least like I’m supported;  hell even just that nothing’s fighting  me.

I just want to provide basic necessities for my family.  I want a safe home,  I’ve long ago given up my dreams of  grandeur. I just want to be able to know I have enough to feed my family.  I just want to know I can go & come from work safely.  I just want to know the vehicle my children ride in is safe. 

I know that because of our past, our challenges that I failed to meet, I will probably never make it out of this God Forsaken hole. I just wish that if I’m stuck here for the rest of my life I could at least provide enough that my children don’t have to suffer.

Why is that too much to ask?

So I sit for a while,  in the Spa room, crying & hoping I can finish my day with my carefully practiced fake smile. 

Dreary, weary, exhausted; still chugging.

So I have a little bit of time to blog tonight. Quiet air-conditioned house of a friend. She’s at her kids’ game, and I’m waiting here to let other friends in when they arrive. I think this is the first quiet, ME time that I’ve had in over a month.

I miss that.

I’m introverted at heart, so when I don’t get that space it wears me down. I’ve worked very hard over the years, practicing my “smile like I care” face to deal with strangers and acquaintances on a daily basis for work. I’m pretty good at it now, but in my ideal universe I wouldn’t have to interface with the public- work with people directly. I think that is why I like Distance Reiki so much. I can still help people and provide healing services without actually having to socialize with the client. Socializing in and of itself is a stress for me. I do want to help people, but being able to do that without spending so much time conversing and socializing would be wonderful. Alas, for now I work predominately as a massage therapist, so I will continue to socialize to be able to continue to help people.

Beyond that, I love my family, very much, but sometimes- especially after having spent nearly a solid month in their company outside of work- I just wish they would go away and leave me alone. Being in a home with no walls is definitely a challenge for me. There is no space yet to call my own. Eventually there will be, but the biding of time is very challenging and I’ve already had multiple melt-downs. This is going to be an excruciating remodel process for me. I’m hanging in, but just barely.

There doesn’t seem to be enough thyroid medicine or lithium in the world for me right now, and I keep praying for my miracle healing so that my brain can make it through this time just a little easier. It seems that it will never come, after having made the same request of GOD for the last 21 years. I was telling my friend before she left that the few times I’ve used Pot as medicine, it’s worked. It helps balance my brain and take me out of Rage or Depression, to an even keel, and without even activating my asthma. However, it’s not legal here in Missouri yet, even as medicine. So  I keep trucking without it. If I get too desperate for mental balance I may disregard that and find some anyway, or take a day trip somewhere that it is. I just wish I didn’t have to break the law to get the only relief that I’ve ever found. Believe me, if the psych drugs had worked, I’d have kept taking them.

Anyway, I’ve been called Debbie Downer twice this week. I don’t like being Debbie Downer, and above all else, I wish I could change that about myself. I would love to be consistently happy, I’d love to get along just dandy having to be around people all day every day, I’d love for my emotions to maintain balance the majority of the time. I’d love to feel like I’m a sane human being.

AND I keep searching for answers to that puzzle. Every day of my life. As I’ve said before, I’ve found some of the pieces- it’s not nearly as bad as it has been in the past- but I still have a LONG way to go!

I keep chugging.

This heat wave isn’t helping. We’ve been 100+ degrees several days this week. The mobile home doesn’t have air-conditioning right now. And being that I haven’t made it to renovating the outside, it’s still pretty much a tin can. Do you have any idea how hot a tin-can-mobile-home gets when the outside temp is 104? I’ll tell you- it makes you wish that you were either dead or in Antarctica. Then to top it off, the battery and fuse died on my scooter, and the air-conditioning went out on our van. I have no way to cool off other than going to work or friends houses. People are gonna get sick of me, especially if I can’t keep my emotional shit together.

But, that’s life- keep chugging. Keep doing the best you can.

Eventually you’ll either figure out how to make things manageable, downright enjoyable, or die trying. I’m hoping for the former, but have resigned that the latter is entirely possible and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that, except keep praying to the God that doesn’t seem to have the time to answer my millions of prayers. Maybe, one day, he will, and it’ll knock my socks off. Maybe.

Keep chugging.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.