Tag Archives: work

If I could do anything?

Admist everything else that has been my life of late, that question has been on my mind. Yet I need to take care of myself at every opportunity to make up for my painful lapse. So, I have thought and thought, and now I write while balanced on my foam roller.

At first blush, 2 weeks on a warm sunny beach with no one would be awesome. No questions, no comments, no concerns, no inquisitive ramblings, no need to do this, or have to be there, no role to play, no person to be for someone. Just me, sand, sun, ocean view, and tasty cold beverages.

Except then I acknowledge how seemingly impossible that would be. Either I’d have to run away and have guilt over that, or hire a babysitter and home health. Neither of which is desirable and the latter is out of my budget, I can barely afford the two middle-schoolers that watch Ian and Katherine on the rare occasion we have to resort to that. Fortunately, they are homeschool kids so even during the school year we can call on them if needed, but it is always a last resort.

So I told my friend the office manager I was sitting on that beach in my mind as often as possible, and then she made sure that I had as much time as I wanted to myself yesterday. I am grateful for that. I struck the balance between to-do-list and running away and gave myself a couple solid hours of quiet me time.

Anyway, so there’s that question. I have thought immensley on.

The short answer is: what I’m doing now, just a little less of it, a couple hours a week less should be enough, but with proper external care- so adequate trades too.

The long answer started when I thought about the offered office admin position at the clinic. I can do it, I’m not a 30 year seasoned vet, but I get the complexities and processes. Yet, I find myself holding my breath often, and I really have to focus because it isn’t second nature for me. Between dyslexia compensation mechanisms, and easily distracted, I find I have to spend most of the day making myself focus. It’s just like when I was Activities Director. It’s not a bad job and the job itself isn’t that stressful, but me doing the job is.

Then I thought about things I like and things I don’t like. It was a long list of both. Ultimately, the important likes were making pretty/adding beauty to the world and helping people. Those two give me big feel good warm fuzzies. Yet, I am beginning to see that the former is a result of the latter, and also that the way I help people can be a much wider array of ways. So in a way my current role is a good reflection of that.

I also acknowledged that there are other jobs that could accomplish the same things, but most of them would require more education, and that is out of reach at this point in time. Others, I’m not sure they would be any kind of pay raise or reduction in labor, so there’s no hurry to switch.

I also felt that I have had many people over time acknowledge my talent in a variety of ways: being called a healer, being told I’m compassionate, being told I’m gifted, and thousands of “best massage in my life”.

It’s just in me and I’m okay with that.

It’s so much there, that massage is the one thing I’m so profeccient at, that I don’t really have to think about it. My mind can be on a million things and people never notice unless I say something about it. I can carry on conversations while working my magic. I don’t have to give it one thought.

Yet I do, I still spend vast amounts of time focused on what my hands are doing, pressure, sensations, and billions of repetitions of healing phrases and and Reiki statements. I think about how beautiful some of my clients are, and how kind, caring, strong, and generous other are. I think about all their good qualities to help them reach themselves and heal.

I don’t do it because I have to.

I do it because I want to.

I want to help and make beautiful, and doing what I do, does that for them. I want to be my best self so I’m always striving for more focused, more attentive, more helpful, easier. And to do all of that I focus on what I’m doing even more.

So even though my job is easy enough for me to mentally check out, I remain as present as the client’s conversation allows, most of the time.

Things that bring enjoyment and joy are those that you can focus on fully and completely.

The more attention you give to your now moment the better it feels. And for me, massage and art, are both neck and neck for that place. Those two things have brought me the peace of the moment, more than anything else in my life. When I was in highschool music was a tied third. As an adult I have no time for music, and I’d have to start over being so rusty.  I genuinely love all 3, and currently I’m working in 2 of them successfully.

Anyway, at the long end of my contemplation, I have decided I need to back off slightly and somehow figure out good trades bi-weekly. I’m not giving up on what I love because of injuries, I just need to make certain they don’t happen again. There is a balance and I will find it in time.

For now I’d still love that vacation. I’ll leave the door open that the universe finds a way to make it happen.

May you see you role in this world and love yourself for it. May you have all of the joy inspiring focus you need and may you never have to focus on something you’d rather not. May your skills match the job perfectly and make everything easy for you. May you breathe deep always knowing that you got this, and you’re doing exactly as was intended for you. May you find your way to make the world a more beautiful place and in turn help everyone the same as a drop of water in the ocean. May you always know that you are loved and supported in all that you do, and you have that and more from the divine always.

Om Shanti

Furthermore (after publishing thought):

I am able to focus on massage and art, even when life melts down. I am able to focus on them even when I’m in pain or distress. I am able to focus on them in the midst of everything. I choose to do them because I enjoy them and they help me too. I choose to make the time for them, because they serve me well always, and bonus they help me pay my bills too. They are my gateways to my inner being no matter what else is going on in the world.

I wish that for everyone. May you all find that thing or the things that are gateways to your inner being no matter what is happening in your world. Those are your gifts. Cherish them always.

Om Shanti

Bringing the light.

This is the second post of the cluster inspired by my focused climbing up for higher vibrational alignment.

I am very grateful that I work in a clinic that is able to soothe and help people find the middle road. We collectively helped to bring some light to extremes and get people to work together… mostly anyhow!

We were able to serve a wide array of people during 2020 Covid non-sense because we were able to soothe nerves from both extremes.

We shed light on people’s fears through conversations, and helped them to see some things were being inflated and were sounding worse than that of reality. Nervous people would leave not only having had their aches and pains and headaches solved, but they would also gain relief from the scare tactics of news media. Well informed practitioners brought calm and clarity, over and over again, over the past 10 months.

We provided services that helped beyond words. When you are hurting, fears can seem bigger than they are. Once the body pain subsided, often the sense of fear and impending doom would as well. I can’t count the number of times someone would enter worked up about Covid and fall asleep on my table (some exceptions of course). Numerous people left saying that their treatment (Chiro/Acupuncture) or massage was exactly what they needed and was life changing relief on multiple levels.

Beyond that, I know that I, and at least a couple of others in the office, went out of our way to help the facility feel safe. I know I have regularly done Reiki on the building itself to clear out the energetic clutter. I have cleared when those most concerned, left behind a wake of energetics threatening to affect others. I have put massive amounts of intent and energy work into helping the space feel relaxing, feel safe, and feel secure and peaceful. I know it has helped to some degree, and my biggest wish is that I could maintain it more consistently (my own battles and schedule being the biggest hurdles for that).

For instance, one client initially wanted to refuse to wear a mask at all. He fought it, but gave in and kept returning, because he knew we were helping him. We were his trusted source for physical relief. We were not the people portrayed in the propaganda’s warnings about forcing masks. We were able to convey to him that we just had people’s safety in mind and we were doing our best to meet everyone’s needs. He begrudgingly wore a mask which he wrote TRUMP on in sharpie marker, but conceded we had no malice in making him wear one while in the building. He found understanding for our version of the middle path.

Another client, I’ll reference as Anxiety lady. She simply couldn’t hear me at first, but kept coming to the clinic. She refused to see me for services, but continued utilizing other practitioner’s services. Eventually, she did catch it and realized it really wasn’t that bad. She’s realized we weren’t just trying to be “on the other side” and we were genuinely trying to inform her. Even though she has yet to schedule with me, I’m confident she will eventually. I might look like the propaganda, sometimes looking a bit hippie-ish, but I was well informed and I did speak truth. The propaganda’s messages never account for that. She has to see that, and now that she’s also survived the Vid, she’ll eventually get over whatever prejudices she’s held onto this far. Plus, she does see the clinic as helping her, and the clinic wouldn’t keep someone around if they weren’t helping. Again clarity eventually comes, even when fear does it’s best to drown it out. But ultimately it is more a result of the clinic as a whole being able to maintain a clear picture of the middle path, of doing our best for as many people as possible. That is the biggest influence of all.

I really do appreciate working in an environment where we work together to meet as many needs as possible. I also really enjoy working somewhere where people do acknowledge the imperfections of western medicine, and do their best to provide the tools and resources they know to help compensate. We’re saying “we’re in this mess with you, let’s keep woes to the best minimum possible, and work together to reach for feeling better. Let’s all reach for better alignment together.”

That message is vital to feeling supported and included, during a time when media would love to see us tear each other apart.

I love that the clinic isn’t hung up on vaccines being a savior, because we all acknowledge their imperfections as well. I love that we regularly speak truths of health, guiding people to many options that can help them maintain better overall health. I love that all the practitioners are well informed on nutrition, exercise, stretching, supplies and supplements that can help with improving health.

I love that I work with a staff of people all doing their best to not only maintain or improve their own health, but that willingly work towards that goal with their clients as well. I love that I work in an environment that is focused on living the best life you can, it’s a massive improvement over helping people ease out of life gently.

May you enjoy where you work. May you see all the positives of your work and appreciate those around you, both co-workers and clients. May you know that life will continue to give you what you focus on, so focusing on the best is really the only way to go. May you find your middle road towards common ground. May you know we’re all just trying to find our best path through life. May you have all the tools and resources you need to find your own health and even help others do the same. Above all, may you know that God loves and supports you in all that you do.

Om Shanti

Almost back to ‘normal’

I’m a little stiff right now, but otherwise feeling better. And the stiff is no surprise because I walked 8994 steps today at work, inside one building, and no treadmill was involved. Just lots of back and forth, over and over again.

My one house call client asked if I was up to returning to giving her massages. I asked her to let me answer in the morning so I can see how stiff pans out overnight. I just know that I have to kneel and bend over a lot to give her a massage. My knee is still bruised, but I can kneel on a foam pad or small pillow and be fine there, but I definitely want my back to be normal before doing any significant bending.

Anyway, I am glad I am generally feeling better and I’m also very glad things are inching towards normal. I’m still certain Kansas City was an area hit long before our government did anything, so I’m betting the numbers of illnesses will be much lower than projected. I’m just happy to see more things open and more people participating in society again.

I’m also glad that my efforts at Thyroid healing are working. I’ve lost a little weight, generally feeling better- energy and emotions wise, inflammation is starting to subside, and even the pressure on my throat and voicebox has backed off. Those are all really good signs. I am hopeful that if I stick to protocols religiously I will have good results at next round of testing and sonogram.

I attempted to start writing my courses today, but didn’t get far. I sat down on my lunch break, and it was cut short by pseudo emergencies with residents. So essentially I started the Word doc and then looked up the formal structure I needed to fulfill. My handwritten notes did not actually get turned into any typed text. It’s a start, some notes and the details on what needs written is still aimed in the right direction.

I did hit a moment of overwhelmed at the end of a crazy day of work and looked at Nathan when he’d arrived to pick me up. I asked seriously if I was insane. He replied “only in the membrane” jokingly referencing the song. When I scowled at him, he said “No, you’re very intelligent with good information to share with the world. It’s a big task but you’re up to it.” I appreciated his real answer much more than the joking one.

All in all, today was a very busy, but very good day, and regardless of my momentary overwhelmed, I got this shit and will kick some intellectual arse.

May you have good busy days. May you find your knowing of being on the right track. May you know what to do and when. May you know you’ve got this, no matter what this is. May you appreciate your own abilities and feel better and better. May you be loved.

Siva Hir Su

Dome on the Range

Atira Home Dome

So this week has brought ups and downs. I had a lot of emotional roller coaster riding, which the acupuncturist was uncomfortably quick to point out the cause. (Am I really that transparent?) It was a combination of hormones from trying to sync up with the rest of the female staff, in addition to liver heat and congestion I stirred up from doing cupping on my arms. Yea… not. As TCM practitioners, they were very helpful with some herbs for the emotional side, and needles for the physicality, and I took extra walks for the anti-inflammatory benefits. I can say after several days I am doing better.

I did also get a fair amount of wonderful artwork in, both digitally and by hand.

I was able to complete the first shirt design I posted about previously, and with a minimum of edits. Mainly they had me change font once, take out a few of the contour lines in the figure, and adjust colors. In my book that’s an excellent start for only having done 5 commissions in the last 12 years. They then requested a second shirt and a business sign, which I have drafts pending for. I am super appreciative of not only being able to play with my design software, but for having gotten the commission work as well. It feels really good to be doing a variety of things that I am good at.

I told Nathan that I always was really good at giving people what they asked for. Mainly because I don’t like having to rebuild or make significant time consuming changes. I would much rather ask enough questions up front to get the idea, and hit the mark as close as possible on the first try. Fonts are almost always where the edits come in, as I have so many fonts that I tend to aim for more creative, and sometimes the plain fonts are more desired by the customer.  The customer is always right, and their font preferences will always win.

Regardless, within a day or two I will likely clear my 3rd design approval, and that is in addition to working full time as a massage therapist. That is happy dance worthy in my book.

Now pile on top of that having had enough time to do some coloring and I am feeling much more buoyant. I chose a mandala and colored in between clients. The day I started it, I was wearing the colors that I started the mandala with- blues and lavenders. The office manager thought that was amusing, and after she pointed it out, I did too. I kept coloring and began to realize I had been coloring in the chakra palette. Blues and violets being throat, third eye and crown. Pinks and greens being for heart chakra, and yellow for solar plexus. By that point, having accidentally accomplished that much, I decided to finish the mandala in appropriate progression.

Here are the results, which I’m super happy with:

20191009_1554192054716829049856828.jpg

I also accomplished some really amazing massage work this week helping a client with multiple-decades-old scar tissue and what she thought was an underdeveloped scapula. After some very intense myofascial release, I was able to show her that not only were her shoulder blades the same size, but that the damaged shoulder was capable of laying flat. I also helped not one, but two people, with major constriction in their hips. It was a very good massage week.

My final note of upswing is in the image I began with. It is the design for my dream dome home. I’m working on turning my sketches into drafted images. Obviously, I’ve barely gotten started as it was a low priority. I won’t be building it next week, and unless a miracle happens, probably not this year. So, it falls last on the list after all other computing and design work wraps up. Considering I’ve literally only devoted a few precious minutes to it, I think I have a great start. I am so looking forward to finishing it.

I leave you with the following blessings:

May you find joy in your work and time enough for other joys.

May you have days filled with beauty, and the emotional fortitude to breathe and see it.

May you have more than enough, and ample miracles in your life.

Finally, may you see your strengths and your own inner beauty and light.

Siva Hir Su

I can only fix me.

This morning started with oversleeping from exhaustion. My infant is still not sleeping solidly through the night, we’re moving, and I’m going on 45 days without any downtime, knowing my next ‘day off’ will encure more heavy lifting.

I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare- only because we grabbed a breakfast bowl from QT, sans the cheese. I get to work and I’m confronted with chatty-Cathy that has spouted a whole mess of broad biased and bigoted generalizations like you’d hear on Fox news, and YouTube followed that with a notification to listen to Cranberries’ “Linger” with Spanish translations.

After the chatty-Cathy I ruminated on writing a long apology to the world. Apology for such an insignificant readership to actually matter, apology that my voice isn’t bigger/louder, apology for the attitudes of middle-class mostly-white over-55 Americans, apology that I’m not able to rise myself up higher/faster to make it known we’re not all like that.

I thought about telling the world to just ignore and walk away from America. That we’ve lost sight of real morals and values (not to be confused with cheap propaganda morals/values) and helping human kind. That America is full of racist bigots that will cast blame on anything and everything someone with any shade of color does, from stealing from our welfare system to opening business here on the American dollar and not paying taxes, both of which chatty-Cathy said within 5 minutes of me walking in.

But then if the world does walk away from America, what’s to come of the few of us genuinely striving for better. What if those few of us eventually need to flee America, where would we go if the world turns it’s back on us.

I realized that I was ruminating from scared, tired, lost and feeling alone. I listened to “Linger” knowing the song well already.

I realized I am a fool, things do go wrong, shit does stink, and sometimes this world sucks badly. I can’t apologize for everything that goes wrong when I’m not in control of those things. I’m also not a victim and refuse to be blamed for every thing that happens, especially when I’m not involved and not around to contribute, and especially when I know I’m already doing my best to help and be a good citizen.

Thus the only thing in my control is working on myself.

I can only vote using my conscious, ignore naysayers and those that insist on following status quo, focus on making my vote fall in alignment with my inner being’s knowing.

I can only focus on finding happy and my next step of improvement.

I can only battle the things that bug me long enough to find a solution. The solution is truly the answer, the battle only begets more battle.

I can only complain long enough to help refocus into a definition of what I need/want, because again complaining begets more complaining, and the solutions are really what I need.

I can’t let things bug me, or I’ll end up being eaten alive by concerns, fears, worries, and guilt.

I can’t keep existing trying to please others all the time. People are finicky and promise things they can’t fulfill. Swear they care, to turn and walk away. Say they like or love something until there’s a cloudy day or they’re simply not feeling like it today. Ask contradictory things of me to either challenge me or prove that I’ll fail, and either way it only accomplishes tearing me down and apart. Say they care to turn and blame me for everything that goes wrong for them. There are only so many apologies I can give before realizing that those apologies fall on deaf ears.

I’m done waisting my breath and heart. I’ve gotten much better at being much quieter, nodding and moving on, even with my own 4 year old. One day I’ll fix myself enough to attract people willing to work as hard as I do, willing to own their own crap as much as I do, willing to improve themselves as much as possible, and willing to work on finding improvement as much as I do, and willing to commit as much as I have.

For now, I must do better at one thing only: finding my happy and my next step of improvement.

The world will continue to be, for better or for worse, with richer and poorer, with birth and health and sickness and death.

All things are in this world and I must do my best to find the best I can, and leave the best mark I can. I must be there for the Divine/God, for good, for myself, for my husband and family. In that order even, as the first 2 really help to be there for myself and my family. That then becomes my legacy by default- was I there for my family enough that they saw my improvement and learned how to find their own improvement.

I wish that for everyone. If we can all accomplish that, eventually this world will seem a much better place. You’ll never eliminate the negatives, but the positives can weigh heavier in our experience, and enrich all of our lives. I wish that for all of you. Be well my dear readers. Find your happy today and most of all days.