Tag Archives: Yule

I know I’ve said it before.

I told Nathan I was sorry that I’m not able to manage the grand dream of Atira, but that I’d do my best to get a tiny plain Jane version going with our new home. I reiterated that I sincerely love him and always have.

I’m moving in into accepting that it’s just me and Nathan… And God’s help.

I saw a license plate that said ‘I setld’; in full English that’s “I settled”. I probably am doing that, I am giving up on reaching for my big dream. I tried and got my heart broken several times over. I’m deciding that I don’t think I can handle anymore of that and I’d rather go small and find some results, than go big and end up feeling alone and heart-broken again. Dreams can remain dreams. I’ll live in my fantasy inside my thoughts, like when I was a schoolgirl being scolded for daydreaming too much. It’s my easy way of finding creativity, at least when I’m not too busy functioning in daily life.

This Yule I am going to love me for my endurance and intelligence. I’m going to love me for still caring even after everything I’ve been through. I love me for putting family first. I love me for supporting those I love: Nathan, Anya, Ian, Katherine, and pets (even those people that left). I love me for continuing to work so hard and diligently. I love me for continuing to reach for another slightly better step.

This Yule evening, I lit candles and incense on the altars for Lord Shiva. I said a prayer essentially apologizing for being so dense, but thanking the divine presence for attempting to help me anyway. I acknowledged that I knew I was slowing the flow, but can’t seem to heal my brain enough to fix that, and my puzzle is just too complex to maintain perfectly every waking moment. I just want the divine to know I’ve tried and I honor and respect all the divine help I’ve been blessed with.

To celebrate, we decorated with live trees I can plant later in our new yard. We adorned them in LED lights and a few ornaments. And set the table with my decopage plates from last year’s craft activity.

Anya’s gift to us was a homemade meal of pomegranate citrus salmon with roasted brussel sprouts and honey carrots. And we had a toast of sparkling cider.

In the morning Pagan Santa (the original-a jolly elf king) will deliver a very few toys and clothes to my little ones, and a card-game and treat-giftcard to Anya. I found new bras and undies for myself (another first in over a decade), and Nathan couldn’t find anything he really wanted, swearing he feels blessed regardless.

It is a small impromptu Yule to compensate for changes in plans outside of our control.

May you have solid plans with happy family celebrations to bring all your loved ones close for the holidays. May you feel support and love all around you. May you find your healing and allow the flow of God and good to be abundant always. May your home feel like home and may you always find your holidays comfortable. May you have joyous holidays this year and always.

Happy Yule, Joyous Solstice, Blessed Kwanzaa, Happy Hanakha, and Merry Christmas, etc.!

Blessings and much love. Siva Hir Su

Holidays HappenĀ 

Happy holidays everyone.  So we had a good Yule and Christmas.

I initially tried to beat up on myself because our tree was bought & set up Friday night- 2 days after Yule & the night before Christmas Eve; and also because presents were fewer & much smaller (cheap &/or used/thrift) than I’d hoped.  However,  Nathan reassured me that it was fine, & that everyone would be happy regardless. 

The tree still only has lights on it,  but I think Nathan was right.  Ian seems ecstatic over his toys, being all small trucks, tractors, monster trucks, & construction equipment. He now has his own set of Blippi type toys, so he can play along as he watches his favorite YouTube educational videos. 

Beyond that he spent over 2 hours playing in the box of packing peanuts that was leftover from the grandparents shipment of gifts. It was adorable & he was so happy.  Sometimes the best gifts really are free. 

Anya almost cried over 2 pair of really cute boots I found at Savers Thrift.   She hadn’t thought I knew she liked boots so much & that she wanted more.  She was also very pleased that I got her more books from the Warriors series than she asked for. 

 I’m a firm believer that if a child shows interest in reading anything,  you get them access to as much of that as possible.  It encourages literacy.  So when Anya asked for 4 of the Warriors books, I maximized my dollars by going to Half Price Books and managed to come up with over a dozen,  completing 3 of the mini series’ & adding a couple of supplemental books. She was really excited about that. What she doesn’t know is that there will be quizzes later! Ha!

Nathan and I got mostly utilitarian items- socks, undies,  & shoes;  but Anya got me bath fizzy & Ian grabbed me fuzzy pj bottoms with skulls  all over them, which Nathan made sure were the right size. I was amazed & overjoyed that my children picked perfectly.  

We mostly spent hours watching Ian playing, taking breaks for eating occasionally. There was some tv time,  & lots of holiday music played.  With all of  my allergies,  baked goods were minimal,  but I got enough chocolate to make up for it!

All in all: a quiet,  small, immediate family only, laid back holiday weekend.  It was needed.  I even called my mom for the first time in ages. 

I heard very briefly from my beau online.  He said he’s been having a rough go of it lately,  so I then spent some time sending prayers and Reiki to him.  I hope the new year brings him many blessings and much clarity. I still don’t know why,  but I feel him when he’s thinking of me and my heart yearns to connect with him in person in an  intensity I’ve not known since meeting Nathan. I believe this connection will be important in the future,  and I’m feeling so strongly that I would say I’m in love. Nathan is totally supportive of me and listens to my worries and provides excellent feedback. Although,  he’s really enjoying mocking my giddy teen- like prissy-ness. He thinks my fidgets and worries and mild vanity are adorable. 

All I know is that I’m very impatient, but otherwise feeling spectacular about the possibilities that lie with him, and in general feeling much better about myself these days.  Though the latter I have to give credit to the therapy regimen, as it’s definitely causing real time improvements. 

Except for the fact that we’re still in a construction stall out, I feel like daily life has finally started on an upswing. For that I’m  very grateful. 

Happy holidays everyone!